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Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.
My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.
I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.
So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.
I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.
Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.
I’m over this fucking weather. It’s June and it’s been nothing but fucking garbage 60s and rain. So over living in this part of the country
B keeps boring me with his stupid shit. He broke up with his boyfriend and is being a fucking mess. All I want to do is tell him: “I don’t fucking care and go get your life.”
Even friends need a little check here and there. I’m all for not judging and listening to people when they have issus, but I just don’t fucking care. Maybe he will get the hint when I don’t reply as much.
My own relationship? I don’t even want to talk about that anymore. I’m so over it. If things get better, great. If not, great. Next.
Nothing else to update other than almost done with paying off school. Wondering how that will work. I’ll have to call them and see because I do not want to make any mistakes.
Started going back to the gym and will be serious about eating muscle building foods. Very exciting things.
Finished the wedding present for my brother’s wedding and all I have to do is buy the plane tickets next months. Can’t wait for this to be over. It has been nothing but nonsense from the beginning. A very awkward situation for everyone, it feels.
Started smoking weed again. It helps with relaxation. I will have to research and see what weed is better for my anxiety…I should do that right away and book mark a few to see if they are available.
Going grocery shopping tomorrow for all the foods that I need to be healthy and build some muscle mass. Nothing too crazy.
Well more later I guess. Hope that things look up and continue to be better. I am thankful for the life that I have.
I have enough to pay off school. But now, I have to wait maybe a month or two to pay it all off to ensure that I have enough left in my bank account to pay for other bills. It will all finally be over soon…impatience has taken over at times.
Nothing to do today because the weather was not cooperating. But now it changed to 71 and some sun…of course it would, towards the end of the day. My boyfriend came out to a walk with me last week and I was very shocked that he said yes. I got another ultimatum and I truly believe that this will be the last chance that he will ever give me. And I understand him. I understand the things that I have put him through, but he also has put me through other things…maybe not as deliberately as I have, but still. I guess we forgave each other. I hope that everything stays peaceful…for our sake.
Going to try to smoke weed again to see what happens. Also trying to get into the gym again…but it’s a waiting game because of having to see when the promotion comes out.
Going to do my best to live it up this summer. Nothing or anyone is going to stop that from happening.
Laying here in my old bed…thinking about the things that have happened in the past, and how everything has somehow changed. I look forward to the day, sometime later this year, where I can finally move out. After all of this time! I am very excited to begin this process sometime in the Fall. Probably closer to my birthday. That would be such a fun birthday present to myself…to be able to find a place. I know that it will happen.
It has been a slow beginning to the year, but next month we will be half way done, once more. It is difficult to think how fast the years are going by. Soon we will all be dead…just kidding. But I will say that ever since I got over my existential crisis, I arrived at the resolution to live it up as much as I can. Isn’t that what everyone does anyway? Yes. And so will I. This is why I am trying to have as many experiences as possible…but at the same time, it leaves me thirsty for me. I think that there is no satisfying the human hunger for more. People want more things every day…no matter how much they get.
Last summer was memorable, so in keeping with tradition, this summer will be no different. I am happy that I can get to work in another location that is rarely monitored by the higher ups…so I can escape and do whatever I want when the opportunity calls for it. But I have to admit that I will never do this if I have outstanding work to do. I always make sure that I finish my work before I do something outside of the office. Nothing is every truly left undone…of course unless I genuinely have no time to do it because I am busy doing other things.
I think I have arrived at the conclusion that my mind is obsessed with thinking about the near future…next week, next month. It is part of having an anxious personality disorder, I guess. But that is why maybe the weed will help. Trial and error will only tell. I have to somehow figure out how to get a weed pouch…or toiletry case. Maybe ebay will help…Louis Vuitton again? If the price is right, and only if the price is right, of course.
More wars and conflict above, and I do my best to stay away from it all because I have to protect the last bit of tranquility that I have left in this world.
Well. That is it. Later. More later.
Considering going back to school to get my Master’s in Social Work. This should have been done a long time ago, but a family member fed me a false illusion. Still, nobody could have known the outcome of that special project, and after all, it was close to fruition.
Things are peaceful as of late, and hopefully will stay this way. Waiting for summer to arrive so that life can be lived more. Today is a hot day, 80 degrees and it is only April. Rumors going around about the weather being in the 70s all the way up to summer. Well this would be very good news. Last Spring was cold, and the beginning of summer wasn’t so hot.
Eagerly awaiting the coming months so that school can finally be paid off once and for all…but if I go back to graduate school, more and higher debt will be accumulated. Hopefully it would be the right decision…based on my own experiences. It’s just that I don’t see a way up without a graduate degree. Really wish this would have been done long ago and I didn’t listen to others. Although that means I would have never found a passion for it or met new people and have the good life experiences I have had. Everything does happen for a reason after all.
Well, more later. Enjoying the stillness and peace of this hot Spring day. Peace is so important. It always will be.
It’s important to always remember and never forget that we must never worry about the things that we cannot control. This is something that is often forgotten about during daily life because of getting caught up in all of the insignificant details.
If something is meant to work out, it will simply find a way to work out along with the effort of those who want it so. Otherwise, it is important to simply move on until everything eventually falls into place. For a lot of us, everything is going to fall into place. And if things don’t, we have no choice but to accept reality for what it is.
I will continue to have a relaxing weekend and count the blessings, as should you all.
More later, of course.
Nobody has to care about what I write; these are only my own thoughts. The over thinking continues to ruin my relationship. I need to look up techniques on how to control over thinking. There is yoga, music, sleeping, and conversation with others. But I have to find something to do when I am alone. Writing here helps me a lot; as long as I can remember, writing has been a tremendous outlet for me.
Work continues to keep me busy, although I do wish that I was busier. It is always good to be busy and constantly on the move, no matter where I travel to within the assigned region of the state. Hopefully, in time, more work will come my way.
Thinking about taking some time to myself to figure out what I would like out of my relationship. Every time him and I talk, I know that we have a special bond. I have not created something special with anyone before…not even guys that were similar to me. Went out for a walk today and was thinking about a particular person that I had a connection with in terms of thought processes and hobbies. The very next, he disappeared. During a discussion with my boyfriend, he pointed out to me that these guys only wanted me for sex, and that once they found out that I was looking for a genuine connection, they ran away. This guy was one of those people. When I think about all of the guys that I have gone on dates with, nobody has connected with me the way that my boyfriend and I connected. Our relationship just seems to work, despite our differences. Yes, there are normal clashes here and there, but for the most part, we get along very well. Most (but not all) of our issues are a byproduct of my over thinking. He has been no saint. I am glad that he has taken the time to explain himself to me regarding the times when I questioned him about certain views and topics. The fact that he is still with me despite everything I have done, is the definition of true love. He really has shown me that true love is real. I don’t want to question anything anymore, I know that when we put out minds to it, we get through whatever obstacles we are facing. Nobody can predict the future, and nobody can predict if this relationship will be successful in the end, but what is known is that we both want to be with one another, and will do anything to make things work.
The walk I took today was a part of the new effort to be more active when I am home from work and not simply lay on my bed, which takes away all of my energy. I have to get rid of that bad habbit. It was chilly, and the school fields were occupied, so I went back in about half an hour, which was a satisfactory time for a walk in these conditions. But once the warm weather arrives, it will be very important to go back to the trails. I am still going along with my plan of trying to engage my boyfriend in trying new things, and if it fails tremendously, I just don’t think I could stay with him. Or could I? Let it be decided as time goes by.
More later, as usual.
I’ve been struggling the past week and a half with my relationship. I love my boyfriend, I deeply care about him in a way that I have never cared for another guy before. Yet I struggle; yes, every relationship has their good and bad. Nobody is perfect, no matter how alike or different they are from us. My dad told me that “We are always seeking that perfection which doesn’t exist,” and it’s true.
The struggles come because he isn’t on the same level of culture as I am. We have different hobbies. He doesn’t care much for social issues, while I do. My hobbies are more in tune with those of an older person, while his are those of someone who is younger. I like the woods, hikes, museums, and the such. He likes video games, reality TV, and pop culture. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this. Being with him has made me realize that I couldn’t be with someone who is a clone of me. I will give an example; I have a friend who has similar tastes to me, so we have deep conversations about life. But the last time we talked, the conversation got very overwhelming and I had to deflect and end it. At that moment I realized that it would not be healthy for me, personally, to be with someone with the same thought process as mine. It would drive me insane; I already drive myself insane. My boyfriend does a good job in making sure I “snap out of it.” He has stayed and faught for this relationship despite all the things I have done to him and my extremely difficult ways of being with my thoughts. He forgave me after I confessed to him that I was watching too much porn, which was affecting our sex life. He forgave me when I told him that I didn’t think he dressed appropriately for my birthday. He forgave me when I took the site of other guys that I was talking to that I had met online (and live out of state) years ago. And lately, he forgave me when I told him that he didn’t fulfill me 100%.
This is all true love to me. I often ask myself what the reasons are behind the fact that he has not left me yet. Is my unconscious mind trying to sabotage this relationship?
The reasoning behind me saying he does not fulfill me completely also made no sense; I felt that he would say no to the activities I would suggest doing, when in fact, I have only made two suggestions. The first was one was last year, when I asked him to go on a walk, and the second was recent, when I asked him to watch a show with me and he said the subject of the show was of no interest to him. Yet I have done everything he has suggested (has all been mostly TV shows) without protesting at all. He must have asked me if I felt that the relationship was one sided for a reason, he must have suspected. And he was right, and I told him.
He let me know that he would try to do things with me and would be open to doing so. I worried so much this past week whether that would work or not that I threw myself into an emotional pit of dread and ended up having to hide in the bathroom to cry. He also says ignorant comments here and there. I have come to learn that he does not mean what he says; he is not a bad person. This is the way that he was raised; he has lived in the same town all his life and did not go to a four year college where learning about diversity is key. Now, this is not to say that I firmly believe one must attend college; I don’t. I know college is not for everyone. There were several times during my college years that I considered dropping out. In the end, I am glad that I didn’t. But it would have helped him to get to know more people of diverse backgrounds. None of this justifies the things he says, I have made several comments and dropped hints regarding the fact that these bother me. During one of our discussions, he concluded that maybe there was a possibility that things were not as he thought they would be. This gave me faith that there is hope in educating him.
I know he loves me and cares about me; he has proven this to me and I will never, or have I ever, questioned how he feels about me. I believe everything he says in regards to how he feels about the relationship and how he feels about me. I have never connected so well with him, and our relationship just works, somehow, despite our differences. This isn’t something to question. I think that this is something to be celebrated. I have met many guys, gone on dates, and have been lead on to the point where I thought that there was something wrong with me. So after my last, short relationship, I dedicated to only having sex, convinced that this was all I was good for. He made me realize that I am so much better than that life…and he is right. It was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I don’t want to ruin what we have; I concluded that I want to give this relationship a CHANCE. He has given me, and continues to give me many chances. I am going to hold him to his word and hope that he really comes through with saying that he is open and willing to try new things with me. I will continue to educate him and immediately call him out if he says something ignorant. If, after sometime, I notice that there are no changes, I, with all the hurt in my sould, will have to end it. I would much rather tell myself that I gave this relationship a fair chance, and worked to improve it, rather than just give up and walk away. I love him a lot and that is why I don’t want to let this go to waste. But if the changes that I mentioned do not happen over time, I know what I have to do.
Regardless, I have to stop my mind from running and making up scenarios or fantasies that do not exist. I have to fully live in the moment and go by facts and past evidence. I don’t want to push away every person that tries to get close to me. I am focusing only on the negative aspects of things, rather than the positives. This is something that I have to work on, before it ruins my life.
Here’s to hope.
Last night I went to a concert and it was an amazing, vibrant experience. I made sure to submerge myself as much as possible in this extraordinay experience of the senses. A good time was had by all and it was a wonderful night for music, laughter, and friends.
Trumpcare was killed yesterday and the night was full of celebration. No further thoughts on this; a major victory for the people.
I am in the last straw of my relationship; I don’t want to be the one that runs away, but if he does not put effort to do more things that I like to do rather than me doing everything he suggests, I am going to walk away. I really hope he can pull it together because my brother’s wedding is in July and he has been invited. He has been making small progress in being educated about diversity so I am happy.
Finally started again at my old job and it was as if I never left. Was welcomed back with open arms and once again, the tomfoolery of being involved in other people’s lives begins.
What happened today? I’ll tell you what happened today. Next week is my last week at my current job. I haven’t told them anything, only two co-workers know. I plan on writing a candid letter next Friday, and sending it to my boss and a human resource staff. That will partly expose them for the crooks that they are; I won’t go too much into details because I don’t want to become involved in a possible legal situation, but my honesty should be enough to set off a bomb after I leave. But anyway, today, I could not stand being there anymore, and I refused to become an unofficial salesman and attempt to have people tell me what their electronic address is, so that was not going to happen. I lied and said that I would be in a different building doing just that; asking poor people to give me their e-mails to boost the numbers of this tyranical health center up so that the higher ups can take all the credit. Isn’t that how America works anyway? But today, it did not work out that way.
What I wasn’t counting on is that one of my co-workers decided to pay a visit to the place I was supposed to be in and asked my other co-worker where I was. Bless her; she covered for me and said she didn’t know where I was…but nevertheless, the jig was up. This was half hour later after I left. What I found curious right now is that she didn’t text me or call me; she has my personal number. So why didn’t she? Why didn’t she contact me? Did she feel the need to wash her hands and let her boss, our boss, know that this was something that she should handle? Is this something that her brain could not take on because she has other problems going on in her life? Well I’ll tell you something; nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to go back to school. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to take this stressful job. Nobody put a fucking fun on her head and force her to date the man she is always bitching about. Fun tidbit about this latter fact; she once told me that sometimes our minds tell us to stay in relationships even though we know that they are not good for us. So what is she doing? She is staying in one that is not good for her, but she spends all day posting stupid shit posts on instagram about infidelity, relationships, school, and other topics that are not worthy of mentioning here.
All suspicion aside, if she told my boss that I was nowhere to be found, there is something to be said that the boss just so happens to have a meeting in the same office I am going to be working in, which wouldn’t be my home office. If I were her, I would be smart not to rat me out, because since I am going out either way, I will go out dropping several truth bombs and granades as I make my exit. Does she want to get thrown under a bus? She does not. But since she probably isn’t smart, she may have already lit my fuse. Only Monday will tell.
Either way, I am happy. Happy because no matter what happens, this next week is going to be my last week in that hell. It was an honest mistake on my part in going there. Nothing could have warned me of the bullshit that I have endured since I started December. If this was foretold, I would have never left my previous job. I gave up a lot of freedom to come to where I currently am, thinking that it would provide an opportunity for growth and development. Instead, I have stumbled upon idiots who call themselves supervisors and hold Doctorate degrees that should have never been handed out and revoked immediately. I would like to know why someone with a PhD makes spelling errors often and does not know how to be professional while treating their subordinates with respect. Well, soon enough, that is going to backfire on them. My candid letter, although not a kick below the belt, is going to make an impact. At least I would like to think so, because at this point, all human resource jobs should be eliminated. Nothing ever gets done. In any case, I will have the last word. Because what I think of these people and this self indulging agency cannot truly be put into words, so instead, I am going to make sure that a magnifying glass is placed on them.
So yeah, fuck you.
It will be a year tomorrow since she left this world. It’s weird to think about…what have I exactly done in that year? Life seems like a blur when it’s thought about…so many things have happened, but that phone call seems as if it happened just last month. But alas, it will be a year tomorrow. The plan is to have a normal day; go about work routines, get home, and get ready for Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend. Of course I am going to be thinking of her tomorrow, more than ever. I’m not sure that there has been a day that I did not think about her since she left this world. There may have been a few days here and there where she was completely off my mind…and when I think about the question of “What have you learned since? How have things changed since that day?”, the answer that comes to mind is that, although the existential crisis continued all through most of the year, life was lived to the fullest. Went on road trips, took another vacation, experimented sexually like never before, did not take any day for granted, and inhaled every single experience that I was able to create. That is her parting gift to me; that life is to be enjoyed with its fullest potential. Yes, fragments of the crisis still linger, but I have come out of this stage of my life stronger and with a deeper appreciation for experiences. The need for material possessions has vastly diminished. More emphasis has been placed on food, traveling, nature, peace, yoga, family, and friends.
It is a certainty that a range of emotions are going to be flowing through me tomorrow, but this is only normal. My anxiety over Valentine day’s dinner does not help the ocasion. In the end, everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow, frankly speaking, will just be another day. Thank you for making me learn that the lesson from your passing was to enjoy life to its fullest. Rest in peace, and let me be at peace.
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