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Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.


A very interesting day. I took advantage that I was the only staff member of the program in the regional office to have a field day. But first, I have to mention that I broke down, briefly, again, on my way to work this morning thinking of her. She clings to my heart.

My clients can be such nuisances at times. I called to inform that I was running late because of massive traffic clogs only to be asked if I read a text message canceling the visit. Text message! My work phone does not send or receive text messages. In any case, this client sounded sick and I was told that a fever was to blame. I’ll call Friday to set up something for next week. I was going to have breakfast at Starbucks where the meeting would take place, but I decided to go to another, closer location since I didn’t have to drive all the way to the next town over. I ate outside, by myself, in the company of the sun.

Later on, I met someone who took me to a school building that is supposedly haunted. I do believe in the energies of the Universe, so I expressed some interest in wanting to go at night…that would be quite the experience. But I am not sure this can be done since this place is nearly an hour away from where I live.

I was naughty today and had two sexual encounters; but I no longer blame myself for enjoying the fruit of the earth. I do hope though, that this new guy I met today can turn into something more interesting other than sex.

49 birds flew over the skies today to commemorate the victims of the massacre over the week. This is a clear sign of the divine; and while I am not religious, I am spiritual and do believe that there is a higher being that we are incapable of comprehending. Coincidentally, the man I met today also believes the same as I do, so naturally it was a nice surprise. Quite refreshing to find that on a sex app.

My deep meditation today took a turn to the bizarre when I felt this energy come into the center of my body and pulsate outwards. I should not invite spirits to guide me into the light anymore; I am not sure what I am dealing with when I invoke such things. But in any case, I had to stop the meditation because it became intense. My visions this time were different, I was sitting in the dunes of a beach, dunes that nestled me while I looked out into the calm water with small waves at the shore. There was an insland in the far distance. I saw both deceased persons walking on the shore, but they vanished into nothingness. I hope they find peace.

But I’m annoyed at the magnifying glass that is being put over the victims. There is no way to escape this; no matter where I turn to. Conversation, social media, news, even on a sex app I was greeted with a message showing a mosaic like photo of the victims with the words “REMEMBER” on top. Do we want to remember? Yes. We want to remember, cherish, and treasure the angels that ascended to the other dimension. We do not want to forget this act of hate and violence. But what we do not want to do is magnify the grief by exploiting our emotions on social media. Yes, it is healthy to feel and to let your body feel the grief, anger, despair, suffering, and any other type of emotion that arises from this. But the problem lies in exploiting it on social media. We need to have respect for the victims and their families. I stumbled across a post on social media by an individual that consisted of an enlarged photo of one of the victims, with the description of “This person was so and so years old and worked on so and so. I am sobbing, I am crying, my heart is heavy, I am destroyed, etc, etc, etc.” This is waving a magnifying glass over the grief for everyone to see. Some of us are trying our best to comprehend what happened, comprehend the loss, and to move past it while remembering that hate can never win, and by remembering that the victims have not died in vain. I was talking with a friend who explained to me that all she wants to do is bury her head in the ground because she cannot continue to bare the pain. We do not wish to be constantly bombarded by reminders, photos, or details of the events. We are aware of what happened. We cannot forget what happened. But we do not want to continue to be triggered by the people who are taking this grief and zooming in on it for the rest of us to see. Have respect for the families of the victims. Let the victims rest. Remember them as they were when they were alive, and remember them now and what they stand for. Just because they have passed does not mean that we only have to remember them in living. Remember them in passing as well, what they stand for, and what the purpose of this event is. I have shed tears and felt sadness for my fallen brothers and sisters, but I cannot possibly continue to dwell on the pain and the suffering of continuing to seek information and details of the events. I cannot bare (and I have not) to look at their photos. I refuse to do that to myself. I do not wish to continue to feed the grief. I don’t understand why this is not the case with others. There are people that continue to feed the grief, suffering, and pain. I am not demanding that people deny their emotions; people must simply feel their emotions. They have to let them run through their bodies and channel them in a healthy way; but stop using social media to do so. Sit with your friends, your family, have face to face contact. Write a poem, a song, type or handwrite; it is of no matter. But there is a problem when these emotions run rampant and are made even more dramatic through social media. Please, enough. We do not need to be reminded. We know. And we shall not forget. We cannot forget; we have to make a meaning out of this event and change the way that society is. It is normal to have many feelings about this, but to continue to make the situation more tragic than it already is does not help the healing process. In this tragic world, we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.