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K asked for FROYO today but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’m going to the gym this evening and needed time to relax after dinner. Also, there is a rainstorm pelting everything right now and some thunder. So I guess Wednesday is the first official day of summer? But who the hell cares? Who the hell made up these imaginary days and rules? The weather hasn’t been cooperating anyways.

I’ve spend the last two days reading the old entries from this blog, most of it which is private. It has to stay private to protect some identities, but as I have mentioned before, it is genius writing. Maybe it can be published as a small memoir one day…without editing. It has to be raw in order to serve its purpose.

I went along a small joy ride today after a work meeting to the country. It was so beautiful, and driving around the lake, seeing those big houses on the hills…how I really wish that was my life. Part of me really wants to stay in the country, but another part of me knows that this would be a lonely life for the most part. Today, I have come to truly realize that I never knew what I was doing with my life. I thought I did, but I really don’t. I don’t think that any of us do. Part of me wants to live in the country, part of me wants to ┬álive in the city outskirts…it’s all a mess. And I will never make enough money to lead the type of life that I want, so that’s another reason to be in a relationship.
And speaking of relationship, we finally broke out of the norm last night and went to a show. He said that I need to have thick skin in order to be with him, and that I should be able to call him out and put him in his place. Although when I have tried to do that, I am met with resistance. Well, I think that I should remind him of this then. He does have a big fortune coming in the future, so that is another advantage. Some days I want things to work out, and some days I am not sure that they will. But isn’t that what I longed for anyway? This whole time? Some one to accept me with all of my flaws? He has been the only one…so far anyway. I really don’t know what I am going to do, and hoping for the best without being proactive and working to improve the relationship isn’t exactly a good plan.

I received a thank you note from my brother’s finance regarding the present that I bough for their wedding. See you in July indeed. Some things stay the same, and some things change. But don’t they say that things are always changing? Well, as the song says, “The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.”

I am hoping that the next few weeks give me a break so I can travel to Vermont on a Saturday. The weather has been plotting against me. I don’t appreciate it one bit! We aren’t even allowed to have decent weather in this bankrupt state…people are leaving, businesses are leaving…what will there be in the end?

Saving up is taking forever. There is always something impeding meeting my goals. These 1000 dollar something credit card bills NEED to fucking stop. I even sold my iPad to make up for some of the costs. Yes, it was hard to part ways with it, it’s still strange that it is gone (all this sentiment for a piece of technology? A testament of how dumb we have gotten), but I will take any help that I can get at this point. I can’t wait to just pay off all of school…I haven’t been paying them anything for almost two months now. Why throw money away to interest? The biggest scam of it all is the entire University and loan system. I can’t fucking WAIT for the day that these loans are gone. July? August? When? I really hope to be done with this September the earliest, I can’t take it anymore. And after that, save up to try and attempt to find a decently priced apartment. I just wish I didn’t have to live in this place. I want to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years, but the older I grow , the more I realize how hard it actually is. I’ll leave it at that before I go into another mindless rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What happened today? I’ll tell you what happened today. Next week is my last week at my current job. I haven’t told them anything, only two co-workers know. I plan on writing a candid letter next Friday, and sending it to my boss and a human resource staff. That will partly expose them for the crooks that they are; I won’t go too much into details because I don’t want to become involved in a possible legal situation, but my honesty should be enough to set off a bomb after I leave. But anyway, today, I could not stand being there anymore, and I refused to become an unofficial salesman and attempt to have people tell me what their electronic address is, so that was not going to happen. I lied and said that I would be in a different building doing just that; asking poor people to give me their e-mails to boost the numbers of this tyranical health center up so that the higher ups can take all the credit. Isn’t that how America works anyway? But today, it did not work out that way.
What I wasn’t counting on is that one of my co-workers decided to pay a visit to the place I was supposed to be in and asked my other co-worker where I was. Bless her; she covered for me and said she didn’t know where I was…but nevertheless, the jig was up. This was half hour later after I left. What I found curious right now is that she didn’t text me or call me; she has my personal number. So why didn’t she? Why didn’t she contact me? Did she feel the need to wash her hands and let her boss, our boss, know that this was something that she should handle? Is this something that her brain could not take on because she has other problems going on in her life? Well I’ll tell you something; nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to go back to school. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to take this stressful job. Nobody put a fucking fun on her head and force her to date the man she is always bitching about. Fun tidbit about this latter fact; she once told me that sometimes our minds tell us to stay in relationships even though we know that they are not good for us. So what is she doing? She is staying in one that is not good for her, but she spends all day posting stupid shit posts on instagram about infidelity, relationships, school, and other topics that are not worthy of mentioning here.
All suspicion aside, if she told my boss that I was nowhere to be found, there is something to be said that the boss just so happens to have a meeting in the same office I am going to be working in, which wouldn’t be my home office. If I were her, I would be smart not to rat me out, because since I am going out either way, I will go out dropping several truth bombs and granades as I make my exit. Does she want to get thrown under a bus? She does not. But since she probably isn’t smart, she may have already lit my fuse. Only Monday will tell.
Either way, I am happy. Happy because no matter what happens, this next week is going to be my last week in that hell. It was an honest mistake on my part in going there. Nothing could have warned me of the bullshit that I have endured since I started December. If this was foretold, I would have never left my previous job. I gave up a lot of freedom to come to where I currently am, thinking that it would provide an opportunity for growth and development. Instead, I have stumbled upon idiots who call themselves supervisors and hold Doctorate degrees that should have never been handed out and revoked immediately. I would like to know why someone with a PhD makes spelling errors often and does not know how to be professional while treating their subordinates with respect. Well, soon enough, that is going to backfire on them. My candid letter, although not a kick below the belt, is going to make an impact. At least I would like to think so, because at this point, all human resource jobs should be eliminated. Nothing ever gets done. In any case, I will have the last word. Because what I think of these people and this self indulging agency cannot truly be put into words, so instead, I am going to make sure that a magnifying glass is placed on them.

So yeah, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First day of orientation; long, but wonderful. Looking forward to what this agency has to offer.
Snow hit the ground this morning, all looked wonderful…but it has now since melted. They say winter will be dry and cold, but only time will tell.

The deplorable king continues to install petty billionares who have never struggled in their lives as cabinet members. These are the vermin that are going to destroy America. Impatience has taken over; would like to see, immediately, the deep regrets of the working and struggling class that cast their filthy votes for these swine.

Deleted the budget sheets compiled during summer…at this point, they are useless. They say that the best way to make the Universe laugh is to make plans. And so I shall not make plans. Things will be handled on a month to month basis, and financial plans will change.

Holidays will be here soon; presents are of the essence. This year, the discount stores will be seeing me! Anxiety looms; my boyfriend said the family we are spending part of Christmas eve is very wealthy. If any talks of politics ensue, it would bring extreme discomfort and awkwardness. How to deal with that situation? It will be necessary to ask him what their stances are. Enough about politics! So fed up…yet they persist, more than ever.

More nonsense later, as always.

The end of October has come; tomorrow the people will continue their robotic, yearly routines. But I do enjoy being festive.

Today, B told me that he grew up and realized that everyone is selfish and that life is nothing but pain and suffering until you die. What nonsense! My reply was simple: Not really sure what kind of people he is surrounding himself with.
But everything is all about the perspective of life. I am very fortunate, even though there are many instances where those close to me drive me to insanity. But isn’t that in every household? We also forget that we drive others insane; did you think you were a perfect saint?

I went to Salem yesterday and it was a nightmare! Not because there were costumes everywhere, but because it was far too crowded. It would have been more fun to absorb the historical and cultural aspects of the place, rather than focusing on the consumerism. Sad! In every corner, people were too busy consuming their lives away…we simply think that we “have” to buy things. What good will that do? The satisfaction is only temporary. But in any case, the ride was too long for my taste…but at least the trip was enjoyed and with good company.

I did yoga again today after 4 days of not doing it. I keep forgetting how important it is to do, but I get so busy with daily life that I am just too tired at the end of the day. Still, I make every effort possible. I decided that I am going to live a positive life, and that includes trying to be away from my house as much as possible. I dislike coming home and being asked how my day was, etc. etc. Yes, I am grateful that there are people that care about me, but I just don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s bizarre. But I know that this is not the way that things have to be.

In any case, two more weeks until my job ends, and then vacation for two weeks. The election is sneaking up on us…trying not to think about it. Either way, life is not going to be magically fixed.

Excited for the Vermont trip next Saturday, but not excited to spend money. Trying to save money has become a thing of the past, for those of us who are not wealthy, so we have to try to make the best of things. All I know is that before the middle of next year, all of my loans will finally be paid off. The feeling of being debt free is going to be worth it in the end. Patience is very important. It can only get better after that, so they say. I have learned not to expect anything from life.

Feelings of dread have taken over me because of living in this place…it is so dead. And going 0ut of state yesterday only validated this feeling for me. It was so amazing to see the many corporate buildings along the way, yet, there is nothing here but “death and taxes” as my friend said this morning. Sad, but true. My boyfriend wants to move to Florida or California if the business he is working for expands. I sure hope so, but in any case, I have to focus on the present moment. Things could always change, like the direction of the wind.

More later, I suppose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I canceled therapy on Tuesday. She never called, but I did not leave her the opportunity in my message to call me back. Let the past bury its dead. I don’t want to go sit in a couch to talk about all of the negative things that are happening in my life, nor waste money on it. What for? Life is too short for that nonsense. Therapy fulfilled its purpose for me. I’ve felt great the last 3 days by keeping myself busy at work and remembering all of the good things that I have in life.

It’s true that her death has changed me forever, and I will never be the same person that I was before her passing. But this is a lesson in the journey of life. Every one has their own story. I submerge myself into doing the things that I love and leave the rest up to fate. What else is there to worry about? The key is to accept that we are never in control; we never were.

I should be annoyed at this new agency I am working for; I’ve had to chase their HR staff to ensure that all steps are being completed in order for me to start my employment on time. I could do a better job in fulfilling their duties and I have no experience. Sad!

A week and a half left until the election…I am so sick of waiting. All I want for it is to end on a good note, and for the evil to go away once and for all.

No work for the next three days; a well deserved break.

I feel that I am finally emerging for a dark period of my life; like the dawn arriving after a long, dark night. I leave the past behind and look forward, with hope, to the better things that life has to offer. This year was not the easiest, but I managed to get through it. This continues to prove to me that I am a good person.

Today was a good day. The rain came and went, but the fog settled in. K canceled Sunday’s Vermont trip; I will not waste my energy on her. I have been questioning my friendship with her for a long time. I think it’s time to silently let it drift away. I simply do not have time for people like her anymore. The older I get, the less time I have to invest.

The wonderful news is that I asked N to go November 5th and she agreed. This will be very exciting; the trees will be more in color and she has never been. It will be a lovely experience.

I still find myself going through moments of absolute despair and pain as my brain questions my feelings towards my boyfriend. I adore him so much, and I could never leave him. I care about him and want to take care of him. He is one of the most amazing guys I have ever met, and our bond becomes stronger when we have arguments. Things are going to be ok. I just need to stop thinking so much and let things flow naturally. It’s a wonderful thing when things ocurr naturally in life.

I am going back to therapy next week, but I am hoping that it does not last a long time. Either way, I will be in transition for jobs, and I will not be able to go because I will not have insurance.

The trip to DR cannot come soon enough; I cannot wait to bask in paradise for 10 days…yoga by the beach, swimming in the ocean. Heaven on Earth.

I am glad to be leaving my current job, but my co-workers are terribly sad that I am leaving. It must be so. It is time for me to move on to better things. I am looking forward to this new venture. I just hope that all of the paper work is completed on time.

The weekend is here, yoga and relaxation are the goals for this week. I have been lacking on yoga lately, but I have had a busy month.

More later…

I’m always so down on myself. I don’t know why. I get depressed about random stuff. I feel like I’m always writing about depressing things…and that it should change to positive things. Unfortunately the depressing topics overshadow the good ones. I am appreciative of all the good things that I have in life. I really am…it could be so much worse for me…but it isn’t. I should write about the good things, right? I seem to thrive on the negativity. I honestly wish it was different. I’m not down 24/7, I’m not weeping and wallowing in pain all the time, I’m really not. I do smile, rarely, and I do laugh, often. I feel like I should enjoy life more…I always take everything so serious. I think that when I reach the end of my life, whenever that may be, I will probably regret not being happier.

Now that I’m doing (or starting to do) research for Grad School, I realize that I need guidance. I just hate the fact that everything is so stressful. Society has made everything so unbearable. We no longer have time to stop by the park and smell the flowers, and everything has been replaced by technology. It’s not bringing us together, it’s tearing us apart and isolating us more. I know I’ve said that many times, but I know it’s true. There is so much pressure to succeed…and yet, it’s so typical and ordinary. High school, college, grad school, average job, make money, die. There HAS to be more to life than that. HAS to be. I know there is…and I know that I have to find it. Everything is so fast paced, everyone promotes happiness, and god forbid you are the depressing one who expresses their thoughts in public or on facebook…people will immediately not like you and ostracize you. But in reality, everyone is depressed. Nobody is truly ever happy. Nobody will truly ever be 100% happy. I wonder when I’ll stop repeating myself, I feel like a broken record. I should laugh more, smile more, love more, LIVE MORE.

I think that it’s important to worry about things because I want to succeed…I want to make it. But at the same time, compulsive worrying is doing me in…slowly but surely.

I think it’s time I really turn things around. I have to. I’m slowly killing myself, and worrying is becoming a habit and some sort of sick addiction.

I’ll just end with this quote: “Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.”

I can do this…I can do this…I can do this. I’ve been through hell and back for someone who is 22. I can do this.