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I accidentally typed 8/7/117 and well, it might as well be the year 2117 because I feel like we are in a time warp. It has already been a week of August and today flew by. Just sad to think about. Does time not go at the same speed every day?

On Saturday, I made new projections on the budget and everything will be done late October. So much for having this debt war taken care of by March of this year. Many delays and inconveniences along the way, but after finishing the projects, there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. At least that is what we tell ourselves.

Mostly tired. Tired of the daily routine, endless tasks to be done, and bulk of useless information that has to be remembered for work. My relationship and work take a lot of my time. It’s just too much. I barely have time for myself anymore. This past weekend, I played video games for the first time in a long while. I stayed in Friday night and will continue to do so in order to save money. Except for upcoming vacations, there is nothing truly exciting going on. Although I try my absolute best to make the best of each and every single day. I was finally able to lay down around 9:30 tonight after running non stop all day. Adult life is awful, why do children wish they would grow up? To do what they want? Well, you can’t just do whatever you want when you are an adult, unless you are rich. And that is a fairytale for the 1%.

What I want is a vacation for myself, alone, in the mountains. Maybe that is something that I will do next year. Go far away into the northeast kingdom of Vermont for a few days and just forget about the entire world. That sounds like a dream.

Today was another cool day of rain, and summer continued to dwindle down. Sad. At this time, I’m just going along with the flow of things and not really caring for the bigger picture. Only the small things are to be controlled, but the bigger picture, that’s just up to the Universe.

SE is not doing well. They say it’s just a matter of time now…weeks maybe. I have not been able to visit because of being so busy. But a part of me does not want to see the inevitable. I want to have happy memories, not the memory of being in the final stage. I promised VK that I will try to make arrangements to visit next Monday. I am leaving Tuesday night for Cape Cod and Monday would be my only free night. I will not go to the gym next week, there just won’t be time or days to do so.

Life goes on, somehow, despite everything.

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What can I even say about today? How can I even try to put into words the torrent of fuckery that ensued on this humid summer day?

I found out that my boyfriend would not be allowed to sit with me for dinner during the reception at my brother’s wedding. And what for? We were told in the beginning by him that it would not be a problem, and that we would be sitting together the entire time. I wrote a thoughtful and honest message to him stating my grievances, but reminding him that I loved him and supported what made him happy no matter what. And can you believe that he responded saying he “understood” my concerns but that it was tradition not to have dates at the wedding party table? So I asked people who were married if this was the case, and they said that it was not! This is all another work of art perpetrated by his fianc√©. Yes. R confirmed this for me after I told her what was happening. She knows little of the situation itself but was quick to give me that conclusion. And my boyfriend agreed too. Tomorrow I speak with E and will tell her…will not be surprised if she agrees and says the same thing! But leave it to the jesus freaks to be judgmental. She does not want a gay couple to be seen in photos of her special day. Well fuck her special day, and fuck that wedding. I spent an ungodly sum in traveling expenses when it could have been used to moving out. But it all went down the train to appease their selfishness. She can expect zero contact from me after this entire travesty is over with. To think that I was certain she had extended an olive branch by sending thank you cards for wedding gift and liking some of my photographs. I am such an imbecile for planning to extend it back and make peace with her. Well this was the last straw for me. I recognize that I am at guilt for not making an effort to get to know her and giving her a very cold shoulder, but one would think that since she is such a “sweet” catholic girl, that she would be the better person. Well let me laugh at anyone who thinks that. Fake. All fake it seems. Sad. The entire day was spent in conversation with my brother and my boyfriend about this subject and I nearly had a panic attack. I had no choice and went outside to walk and breathe fresh air. The conversation is still going on as I write this!

On top of that, I was ready to strangle my client today for her deplorable behavior. It is not my fault they are experiencing poverty. Do not dare to come at me and tell me how easy it is to get a paycheck when all I am doing is trying to help. Some poor people can be very bitter. None of this is my fault! I did not choose to have kids and be with a loser! I went to school, took out loans on my name, and traversed through hell to obtain my degree, which by the way, is not making me rich. So what is her grievance about? I will continue to be nothing but direct with her because I have to present myself as a person that plays no games. And I don’t!
It has been so busy that I barely had time for anything. I actually worked nearly 8 hours today; the thought of that! I could have had a heart attack from all the nonsense that happened. But the gym and eating helped. Much. I cannot smoke because it is affecting intimacy and I don’t want none of that. I do feel bad for lying about it, but at least it is not a major lie or infidelity. I would never in my life resort to that. Disloyalty! Never. But the stress is also partly to blame for this. I just can’t focus and have no energy to perform. I rather sleep.

I cannot wait for this week to be over…I cannot wait for next week to also be over. Once the wedding is done, I can focus on the real issues at hand. Tomorrow I find out how the sudden move I made yesterday results in. I just feel suspended in the air, floating by and not having any clear idea of what is going to happen. I had the urge to rage today, to scream and scream to let out all of the anger, but it just did not come out. It was channeled in a different way. Maybe this is just for the best as of now.

 

Today I ordered the first massive offensive against the debt that needs to be destroyed. It was a final minute decision, but once I saw the situation at its present form, I decided that there is no turning back at this point. This has been delayed since March; a monstrous delay in my opinion. So in a few days I will find out how much the total is applied to the actual amount due and I will base immediate decisions after that. There is no turning back from this.

The beach retreat to Cape Cod had to be moved to the middle to the end of the week, third week of August. Then another retreat to the coast of New Jersey the last week of August going into September. This will be a good time to rethink things and re-organize.
Next week I fly out to the midwest for the wedding, and I shall be glad when this is all over. It has been draining and stressful. The event has been plagued by guest cancelations but I say that this is the consequence of having an event in such short notice (less than 8 months) and having it in the middle of nowhere. I spent a fortune on travel expenses only to be there for a day! But at the same time, I know that both sides of this are being selfish. But I am happy at the end of the day for my brother, that is what he wants.

The world continues to spiral out of control, so I have decided to surround myself in a cloud of marijuana until further notice, but of course, this has to be done in moderation. I do not want things to be very obvious.

Work continues to be work, and nothing else. Drama here and there, but as long as I stay away from it, I will be unscathed.
This week is very busy with extra curricular non work related events; birthday event on Thursday at the theater and a birthday party at the lounge on Friday night. Well. These things don’t happen often so of course we are obliged to attend. And it will be a good distraction anyway.

Herr Doctor has contacted me for help with computer software. But it is I who will have to look up tutorials before I help. He has offered to pay me, to which I said “What nonsense!” but there was no convincing him otherwise. I have been thinking of how much I will miss him when he eventually departs…he is of age. It will break my heart. He has been a soul that I have been connected with for a very long time. A unique soul that understands me…and those are rare to find in this god forsake country, this god forsaken world.

Is there ever any salvation from it all?

I took a long drive through the country today on my way to a visit. Beautiful back country and farm land with rolling hills in the background…like a dream. I really loved it; today was a beautiful summer day. It looks like it’s going to rain on saturday and now I feel depressed that I haven’t been to the beach yet. I just can’t think about the fact that I am only allowed to go the beach a few times during the year. I want to live in a place where the weather is enjoyable all year round. Sure, winter can be pretty at times, but it’s just not enjoyable whatsoever; I really hate the cold.

Also feelings of dread come and go as I think about the lame weekly routine…well, don’t want to sound negative at all. I just wish that there was more to life than this. Truly. It doesn’t seem like there will ever come a day where those damn loans are paid off…always something holding me back. Yes I know that I have come a long way, but impatience seems to be taking over lately. When I think about and read the entries from several years ago, it is so amazing how far I have come in this journey so far, and how so many of the things that I wished for back then have actually happened. Not everyone has that luxury. Not everyone has that amazing opportunity to read back at their life experiences and compare them to how things are in the present moment and smile because of realization that things are much better. And yes, many things have finally come to fruition, but of course as a human I am still not completely happy with the way things are in my life, well, nobody will ever be happy anyway.

I have to be thankful and show gratitude every single day…and also make the best of every day, no matter what. Yes, this is hard to do at times, and the wanting for more tends to take over here and there (more than we would like), but really, the key is to make the best of each day, no matter what…and that takes a lot of strength and patience.

K asked for FROYO today but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’m going to the gym this evening and needed time to relax after dinner. Also, there is a rainstorm pelting everything right now and some thunder. So I guess Wednesday is the first official day of summer? But who the hell cares? Who the hell made up these imaginary days and rules? The weather hasn’t been cooperating anyways.

I’ve spend the last two days reading the old entries from this blog, most of it which is private. It has to stay private to protect some identities, but as I have mentioned before, it is genius writing. Maybe it can be published as a small memoir one day…without editing. It has to be raw in order to serve its purpose.

I went along a small joy ride today after a work meeting to the country. It was so beautiful, and driving around the lake, seeing those big houses on the hills…how I really wish that was my life. Part of me really wants to stay in the country, but another part of me knows that this would be a lonely life for the most part. Today, I have come to truly realize that I never knew what I was doing with my life. I thought I did, but I really don’t. I don’t think that any of us do. Part of me wants to live in the country, part of me wants to ¬†live in the city outskirts…it’s all a mess. And I will never make enough money to lead the type of life that I want, so that’s another reason to be in a relationship.
And speaking of relationship, we finally broke out of the norm last night and went to a show. He said that I need to have thick skin in order to be with him, and that I should be able to call him out and put him in his place. Although when I have tried to do that, I am met with resistance. Well, I think that I should remind him of this then. He does have a big fortune coming in the future, so that is another advantage. Some days I want things to work out, and some days I am not sure that they will. But isn’t that what I longed for anyway? This whole time? Some one to accept me with all of my flaws? He has been the only one…so far anyway. I really don’t know what I am going to do, and hoping for the best without being proactive and working to improve the relationship isn’t exactly a good plan.

I received a thank you note from my brother’s finance regarding the present that I bough for their wedding. See you in July indeed. Some things stay the same, and some things change. But don’t they say that things are always changing? Well, as the song says, “The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.”

I am hoping that the next few weeks give me a break so I can travel to Vermont on a Saturday. The weather has been plotting against me. I don’t appreciate it one bit! We aren’t even allowed to have decent weather in this bankrupt state…people are leaving, businesses are leaving…what will there be in the end?

Saving up is taking forever. There is always something impeding meeting my goals. These 1000 dollar something credit card bills NEED to fucking stop. I even sold my iPad to make up for some of the costs. Yes, it was hard to part ways with it, it’s still strange that it is gone (all this sentiment for a piece of technology? A testament of how dumb we have gotten), but I will take any help that I can get at this point. I can’t wait to just pay off all of school…I haven’t been paying them anything for almost two months now. Why throw money away to interest? The biggest scam of it all is the entire University and loan system. I can’t fucking WAIT for the day that these loans are gone. July? August? When? I really hope to be done with this September the earliest, I can’t take it anymore. And after that, save up to try and attempt to find a decently priced apartment. I just wish I didn’t have to live in this place. I want to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years, but the older I grow , the more I realize how hard it actually is. I’ll leave it at that before I go into another mindless rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What happened today? I’ll tell you what happened today. Next week is my last week at my current job. I haven’t told them anything, only two co-workers know. I plan on writing a candid letter next Friday, and sending it to my boss and a human resource staff. That will partly expose them for the crooks that they are; I won’t go too much into details because I don’t want to become involved in a possible legal situation, but my honesty should be enough to set off a bomb after I leave. But anyway, today, I could not stand being there anymore, and I refused to become an unofficial salesman and attempt to have people tell me what their electronic address is, so that was not going to happen. I lied and said that I would be in a different building doing just that; asking poor people to give me their e-mails to boost the numbers of this tyranical health center up so that the higher ups can take all the credit. Isn’t that how America works anyway? But today, it did not work out that way.
What I wasn’t counting on is that one of my co-workers decided to pay a visit to the place I was supposed to be in and asked my other co-worker where I was. Bless her; she covered for me and said she didn’t know where I was…but nevertheless, the jig was up. This was half hour later after I left. What I found curious right now is that she didn’t text me or call me; she has my personal number. So why didn’t she? Why didn’t she contact me? Did she feel the need to wash her hands and let her boss, our boss, know that this was something that she should handle? Is this something that her brain could not take on because she has other problems going on in her life? Well I’ll tell you something; nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to go back to school. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to take this stressful job. Nobody put a fucking fun on her head and force her to date the man she is always bitching about. Fun tidbit about this latter fact; she once told me that sometimes our minds tell us to stay in relationships even though we know that they are not good for us. So what is she doing? She is staying in one that is not good for her, but she spends all day posting stupid shit posts on instagram about infidelity, relationships, school, and other topics that are not worthy of mentioning here.
All suspicion aside, if she told my boss that I was nowhere to be found, there is something to be said that the boss just so happens to have a meeting in the same office I am going to be working in, which wouldn’t be my home office. If I were her, I would be smart not to rat me out, because since I am going out either way, I will go out dropping several truth bombs and granades as I make my exit. Does she want to get thrown under a bus? She does not. But since she probably isn’t smart, she may have already lit my fuse. Only Monday will tell.
Either way, I am happy. Happy because no matter what happens, this next week is going to be my last week in that hell. It was an honest mistake on my part in going there. Nothing could have warned me of the bullshit that I have endured since I started December. If this was foretold, I would have never left my previous job. I gave up a lot of freedom to come to where I currently am, thinking that it would provide an opportunity for growth and development. Instead, I have stumbled upon idiots who call themselves supervisors and hold Doctorate degrees that should have never been handed out and revoked immediately. I would like to know why someone with a PhD makes spelling errors often and does not know how to be professional while treating their subordinates with respect. Well, soon enough, that is going to backfire on them. My candid letter, although not a kick below the belt, is going to make an impact. At least I would like to think so, because at this point, all human resource jobs should be eliminated. Nothing ever gets done. In any case, I will have the last word. Because what I think of these people and this self indulging agency cannot truly be put into words, so instead, I am going to make sure that a magnifying glass is placed on them.

So yeah, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First day of orientation; long, but wonderful. Looking forward to what this agency has to offer.
Snow hit the ground this morning, all looked wonderful…but it has now since melted. They say winter will be dry and cold, but only time will tell.

The deplorable king continues to install petty billionares who have never struggled in their lives as cabinet members. These are the vermin that are going to destroy America. Impatience has taken over; would like to see, immediately, the deep regrets of the working and struggling class that cast their filthy votes for these swine.

Deleted the budget sheets compiled during summer…at this point, they are useless. They say that the best way to make the Universe laugh is to make plans. And so I shall not make plans. Things will be handled on a month to month basis, and financial plans will change.

Holidays will be here soon; presents are of the essence. This year, the discount stores will be seeing me! Anxiety looms; my boyfriend said the family we are spending part of Christmas eve is very wealthy. If any talks of politics ensue, it would bring extreme discomfort and awkwardness. How to deal with that situation? It will be necessary to ask him what their stances are. Enough about politics! So fed up…yet they persist, more than ever.

More nonsense later, as always.

The end of October has come; tomorrow the people will continue their robotic, yearly routines. But I do enjoy being festive.

Today, B told me that he grew up and realized that everyone is selfish and that life is nothing but pain and suffering until you die. What nonsense! My reply was simple: Not really sure what kind of people he is surrounding himself with.
But everything is all about the perspective of life. I am very fortunate, even though there are many instances where those close to me drive me to insanity. But isn’t that in every household? We also forget that we drive others insane; did you think you were a perfect saint?

I went to Salem yesterday and it was a nightmare! Not because there were costumes everywhere, but because it was far too crowded. It would have been more fun to absorb the historical and cultural aspects of the place, rather than focusing on the consumerism. Sad! In every corner, people were too busy consuming their lives away…we simply think that we “have” to buy things. What good will that do? The satisfaction is only temporary. But in any case, the ride was too long for my taste…but at least the trip was enjoyed and with good company.

I did yoga again today after 4 days of not doing it. I keep forgetting how important it is to do, but I get so busy with daily life that I am just too tired at the end of the day. Still, I make every effort possible. I decided that I am going to live a positive life, and that includes trying to be away from my house as much as possible. I dislike coming home and being asked how my day was, etc. etc. Yes, I am grateful that there are people that care about me, but I just don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s bizarre. But I know that this is not the way that things have to be.

In any case, two more weeks until my job ends, and then vacation for two weeks. The election is sneaking up on us…trying not to think about it. Either way, life is not going to be magically fixed.

Excited for the Vermont trip next Saturday, but not excited to spend money. Trying to save money has become a thing of the past, for those of us who are not wealthy, so we have to try to make the best of things. All I know is that before the middle of next year, all of my loans will finally be paid off. The feeling of being debt free is going to be worth it in the end. Patience is very important. It can only get better after that, so they say. I have learned not to expect anything from life.

Feelings of dread have taken over me because of living in this place…it is so dead. And going 0ut of state yesterday only validated this feeling for me. It was so amazing to see the many corporate buildings along the way, yet, there is nothing here but “death and taxes” as my friend said this morning. Sad, but true. My boyfriend wants to move to Florida or California if the business he is working for expands. I sure hope so, but in any case, I have to focus on the present moment. Things could always change, like the direction of the wind.

More later, I suppose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I canceled therapy on Tuesday. She never called, but I did not leave her the opportunity in my message to call me back. Let the past bury its dead. I don’t want to go sit in a couch to talk about all of the negative things that are happening in my life, nor waste money on it. What for? Life is too short for that nonsense. Therapy fulfilled its purpose for me. I’ve felt great the last 3 days by keeping myself busy at work and remembering all of the good things that I have in life.

It’s true that her death has changed me forever, and I will never be the same person that I was before her passing. But this is a lesson in the journey of life. Every one has their own story. I submerge myself into doing the things that I love and leave the rest up to fate. What else is there to worry about? The key is to accept that we are never in control; we never were.

I should be annoyed at this new agency I am working for; I’ve had to chase their HR staff to ensure that all steps are being completed in order for me to start my employment on time. I could do a better job in fulfilling their duties and I have no experience. Sad!

A week and a half left until the election…I am so sick of waiting. All I want for it is to end on a good note, and for the evil to go away once and for all.

No work for the next three days; a well deserved break.

I feel that I am finally emerging for a dark period of my life; like the dawn arriving after a long, dark night. I leave the past behind and look forward, with hope, to the better things that life has to offer. This year was not the easiest, but I managed to get through it. This continues to prove to me that I am a good person.

Today was a good day. The rain came and went, but the fog settled in. K canceled Sunday’s Vermont trip; I will not waste my energy on her. I have been questioning my friendship with her for a long time. I think it’s time to silently let it drift away. I simply do not have time for people like her anymore. The older I get, the less time I have to invest.

The wonderful news is that I asked N to go November 5th and she agreed. This will be very exciting; the trees will be more in color and she has never been. It will be a lovely experience.

I still find myself going through moments of absolute despair and pain as my brain questions my feelings towards my boyfriend. I adore him so much, and I could never leave him. I care about him and want to take care of him. He is one of the most amazing guys I have ever met, and our bond becomes stronger when we have arguments. Things are going to be ok. I just need to stop thinking so much and let things flow naturally. It’s a wonderful thing when things ocurr naturally in life.

I am going back to therapy next week, but I am hoping that it does not last a long time. Either way, I will be in transition for jobs, and I will not be able to go because I will not have insurance.

The trip to DR cannot come soon enough; I cannot wait to bask in paradise for 10 days…yoga by the beach, swimming in the ocean. Heaven on Earth.

I am glad to be leaving my current job, but my co-workers are terribly sad that I am leaving. It must be so. It is time for me to move on to better things. I am looking forward to this new venture. I just hope that all of the paper work is completed on time.

The weekend is here, yoga and relaxation are the goals for this week. I have been lacking on yoga lately, but I have had a busy month.

More later…