You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘personal’ tag.

I’ve been reading past entries. I’ve been reading past entries to see if things have improved, no, not to see if things have improved. I know things have improved. I’ve been reading past entries to see how things were back then, and how they are now. Even though these entries weren’t so long ago. That is just a testament to how far I have come in such a short period of time. This has been the shortest recovery period from a mental illness in all of my life. It makes me feel happy and confident that I can rebound in the future; because more things will happen. More people will go, more events will happen, suddenly, without notice. Am I really that stronger? Is it much better this time around?

The past month or so I concluded that a stage of my relationship was abusive; toxic. The way things are now compared to how they were back then is the true definition of contrast. Things are not perfect, nor will they ever be, but they are better than they were before. A lot of people stay in bad relationships because they want to see if there is any chance of improvement, of hope. Sometimes it works out, but there at times that the situation becomes worse.
And speaking of worse, I often wonder if my writing style has deteriorated over the years. The best entries were written during moments of depression and anxiety. That’s a conundrum. Now that the situation has improved, and that my mental health has gotten to a stable level, the entries are not as exquisite. I deeply resent that. Is there a way for me to get back to what I had? But what should I write about? I have written about many things, many feelings, and various events. The events that are currently occurring are nothing in comparison to the drama of the past. Are my best days behind me? Have I fallen prisoner to the cult of domesticity and routine? Are my social adventures truly over? A part of me wishes that more experiences were had, but at the same time, a part of me wonders if what I went through during the end of high school and my college years was enough. Would I have been able to handle more? I have been tired for a very long time. But maybe I could have learned more things. I do the best that I can to live my life without regrets, but at times, I wonder if more experiences would have been better.
At least, now that I am going back to school, there could be new experiences in the horizon. Although, this time, the mentality is different…at least this is something that one would think.
It will be important to go with an open mind, and welcome changes. The only problem that has to be resolved is the financial part. Maybe I can get that under control. Isn’t that the second most important part besides grades?

I had a dream about her the other night. I wonder what it was about, or what she was trying to say to me. I forgot what the contents of the dream were, and maybe that is the reason why I should start documenting my dreams. I’m not sure that dreams mean something…but they could mean everything. There have been times where I have dreamt the future. Specific scenarios that were not just a figment of my imagination. Perhaps she will come back into my dreams again, sometime soon, to deliver another message. This time, I will be sure to document it. I want to write something sentimental, but I am still trying to fully move on and not let it get to me on a moment of weakness.

I wish I could continue to type more, but at this time, there is nothing else to say other than there is a feeling of resident because I feel as though all I do is work. Well, that is the reality of the current situation. All I do IS work and barely have any time to do anything recreational. There are summer vacations scheduled. I hope that it will be enough to sustain me. I am trying to do everything that I can to live it up before school starts…it is going to hit me. I have been out of school for six years now. It will be another transition that will have to be made. A part of me prays that it is the right decision, because god knows that, no matter what anyone tells me, we have no idea what we are doing with our lives. We never did, and I suspect that we never will.

Advertisements

Her death anniversary came and went. I shed a few tears, but did not weep. This year, it was a positive remembrance. I did not want it to consume me; enough grief has been caused by this.
Work has been consuming; so consuming. So much so, that I did not go to the gym today. I came home and I slept. My body has been giving my signals that it is time to take it easy. On Tuesday, I did not lay down until 10PM. I went all day, non stop…and my body was hating me for me. This is understood, and we will make many efforts to take it easy.
My relationship is heavenly…after many tumultuous months of hardship, the clouds have finally settled and things are much better. Nothing in life is perfect, and this relationship is far from perfect. No relationship will ever be perfect, but things are much better than before.

M continues to communicate updates on her relationship, but I honestly am so over it. This is what she is choosing; this is the type of relationship that she wants, it seems. Despite everything, things continue. I do not expect her to leave, and I do not expect her to learn anything until something truly bad happens. And that is not going to be fair for the people in her life. It is not going to be fair for her either, so at this time, pray nothing happens because the delicate equilibrium that we have fought so hard to create cannot be disturbed at this moment. As an answer about Grad School is being waited on, there cannot be any ripples. Life is going to happen regardless; pray the waves continue their serenity and calmness.

I have no choice but to wait until April comes to begin vacation season. Just one more month and a half and it will be worth the wait. Vacations have become such an important part of my life, that I will make it a point, every year, to do a vacation. Even if they are small get aways, for the time being, until the financial situation improves, that is a blessing. It will not do to compare the situation to anyone else, for that is a form of self harm. Speaking of finances, even though the debt war is over, for now, it has been so difficult to save money. The last two months have been unacceptable; moving forward, these things cannot happen again. They are  delaying the goals that were set in place to move forward financially and have the upper hand in certain situations, should school truly occur.

But until then. The ride continues. The inexplicable experience continues, and it does not show any signs of stopping. There are no words, I have no words to explain this existence. But for once, truly, I am happy. And it’s great. I have lived to see the day where I can truly say “I am happy.” And it feels so good.

The middle of January has arrived and we find ourselves back into this time warp. Everything is moving at a fast speed, and nothing is slowing down. I finally decided to put in the effort and pick up where I left off on my old entries. The most difficult entries have followed suit; the weeks and months after the unexpected passing of her. We had no time. No time to prepare or plan; finding out was like taking an arrow to the back of the head. The pain slowly dissipates through your entire body, and claims your mind.

Yesterday was another emotionally draining day in my relationship. But there was a breakthrough, and I made him break down. For the first time in one and half years, he broke down in front of me and cried. Does that mean that my nonsense and difficulties finally cracked on him? Yes. But I think that he needed to hear what I had to say. Reading back about my fears regarding my inabilities to form a romantic relationship…it’s not because of not wanting to, or not believing that we couldn’t, or believing that it was impossible. No, the reason is that we are too fucked up and too trapped inside our minds to have the tools and communicate things. I am a fucking weirdo. And I am proud of who I am, even if it means being the most difficult person I know.
At this time, there is no way to tell what direction this relationship will take. But what I do know is that if certain things cannot be worked out, there will be no point in continuing anything.

My parents are gone and won’t return until the last week of the month. Thank god. They too, fucked up. Almost no interest in wanting to be a part of my relationship. It’s so easy for them to wash their hands and say that they tried but they didn’t really follow up or show any interest before then. Where was the interest before the fucking holidays came around? Where was the interest before they found out that family was visiting out of state? So fuck it, I decided that I am not going to care anymore. Reading my past entries reminded me that as far as 2 and a half years back, I decided not to give a fuck about people anymore, the troubles they bring, I simply don’t care. I am not interested in resolving anything. I am not interesting in trying to resolve the imperfections, because some people are going to remain stuck in their ways, forever.

The truth is that I love being a loner. I don’t care to do anything with anyone. The only thing I care to do is go be with nature. Nothing else interests me. If, for some random reason, wealth befalls upon me, I will gladly take it. That is my goal, because you cannot rely on anyone but yourself in this god forsaken, desolate planet. You can’t trust anyone and expect people, even your family, to fulfill you. Family is just another label. It’s just another made up human idea, like almost everything else in this world.

I decided that I am going to stay in my field. I love it. I fucking love it. I love hearing about the drama, the stories…I know that in the past this was not always the case. But because I hardly interact with anyone outside of work, this is perfect for me. And the fact that these problems do not follow me home is the greatest fucking thing. How about that?

Let’s see what else happens.

Another day of boredom. Well, it’s really another day of being unproductive. When I am bored at home, or other places, I can always find something to do. When I am work and have few tasks to do, it is difficult to find activities to do. However, it has been decided that it will be productive to write. Why write? Because it is a skill that I have always wanted to keep up with; something special that cannot go to waste.

The state of the world continues to decline; domestically and abroad. It won’t be wise to speculate on what is going to happen; nothing is certain at this time. Yet people go about their daily lives. Why should we stop? We are too comfortably numb to everything. We know what is happening, yet, it is kept in the back of our minds. Some choose to ignore it completely, while others know that it is there and that perhaps, if they carry on with life, it will dissipate.

Why is this country running itself to the ground? Why is this world burning itself out? The ego of men has become too great, that they are willing to destroy the world to achieve success. How can one be successful in a world with nobody in it?

I continue to struggle with the decision of going to graduate school. It seems, with everything that is happening, that it is simply not worth it in the long run. The investment that I am going to receive is not going to be justified, in fact, it will not even be an investment. At this stage of life, it sounds like an absolutely nuisance. Higher loans, higher interest rates, and a lack of an adequate salary increase is not going to inspire or motivate anyone to go back to school. For school is only necessary for people who want to perform certain types of duties; very specific jobs that require the expertise and knowledge of an area of study in order to be completed successfully. My job requires no degree, in all its reality. Anyone could be trained to perform the tasks that I perform, whether they possess a degree or not. The sad reality is that yes, perhaps I, like millions, was scammed into thinking that it was necessary to go to school in order to obtain a “successful” job. But what is a successful job if one is still struggling to pay for the bare necessities? I looked at my credit card account last night, and I was not happy with what I saw. There may have been a few (and just a few) luxury transactions, but they were not of an astronomical account. What truly added up, and quickly, were the essential purchases.
So the cost of living goes up, and the salaries remain the same. It is through this process that the middle class is going to disappear in this “great” country, and there will be nothing left but a struggling class and the wealthy.

The holiday seasons is approaching, and feelings of sadness, anxiety, and melancholy have begun to take over. Despite everything that is happening in the world, and in life, it’s also important to find sometime to water our minds with positive thoughts and imagery. Yes, this is a difficult task, but it is not impossible to achieve. It is very much like trying to write an entry when there isn’t much to say; or when one truly feels that they have written about every single thought and event that occurs in daily life. However, I made a promise to continue writing, no matter what. It cannot be given up. That would be doing a disservice to ourselves, the world, and anyone that could benefit or become inspired by the words found on these writings. It is simple for me to write once I begin, the struggle occurs in the beginning, when my mind is attempting to formulate the main idea of what the paragraphs are going to be about. However, most of these entries are in a narrative format, and the subjects change, with transition, as my thoughts change. Perhaps my brain has a “To do” list, which are the thoughts of the hour, of the moment, that must manifest themselves into words written on a screen.

I have been thinking about starting a blog, however, the process is completely unknown to me. I am also not sure if people would want to read what I write. I am certain that some people could benefit from these words. The question comes down to what type of subjects do I want to write about?

Lately, there is a sense of wanting to do something greater with my life. It’s not that I am completely unhappy, but there is a longing of needing to go above and beyond what is being done at this moment, to achieve something greater than the current work that I am performing. It is one of the most frustrating and soul clenching feelings one could experience, but the positive side of things is that it is an indication of acknowledging that one wants to do better and be better. The journey has to continue, for various reasons, of that I am certain. I am not sure of where it is going to take me. All I pray for is a solution to the uncertainty. It must come from within; I am fully aware. The only ingredient that is missing is a catalyst.

Today, tonight, is a day that I’ve been looking forward to, for four and half years. Tonight, November 21st, 2017, as of 6:15pm, Eastern Standard Time, the war is over. I am debt free from the iron claws of the Department of Education. The unbelievable sacrifices that have been made to achieve this personal goal tonight, are unheard of. I have done so many things since this financial conflict started to get by. Retailing, dull research projects, cleaning after people, taking care of the mentally ill, enduring the torturous stress of unbearable superiors, and enduring a thousand storms of personal depression. Tonight, the ghosts in the corridors of yesteryears have vanished. No more wasting of our income to satisfy the interest rates of a system that steals from the unsuspecting, the ignorant, the uneducated on financial matters. The College system and Department of Education of this country are nothing more than profit making thieves. They are liars, bandits, frauds, embarrassments, manipulators, gangsters, corrupted thieves.

There were many nights, many late nights, that my mind took advantage of me to create misery and grief. There were many nights that I wondered how I would make it through, moments when I proclaimed that the only way out of this aberration was to die. Tonight, I have proved the naysayers wrong. Tonight, I have proved the loser deep inside of me wrong. Tonight, I have proved myself wrong. There is nothing stronger than determination, hope, and an infinite quantum of patience. Gone are the days of wondering if I would be that elderly man, being haunted by debt callers, having my income deducted to pay for loans, worrying about being incarcerated or hunted like a wild animal.

Tonight is a victory for the many people that have woken up, and decided to reject the system which teaches society that in order to succeed in life, one must go to a traditional school and become indebted. Tonight is a victory that I dedicate to millions around the country and perhaps the globe, whom are still struggling to find a way to pay back monstrous loan amounts to the institutions that promised them a sanctuary but delivered them into the ninth circle of hell. I may not know your circumstances, I may not know your personal stories, but I can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All you have to do is believe and have patience. There is a way out of every situation, as long as you believe in your heart that you can find a way to get out. Never give up the fight. Never give up the struggle. Never give up on trying to find a way to tell the corrupt system that you will not falter, and that you will fight back with every single cell in your body to obtain this freedom.

Gone are the days where people believed that studying hard, obtaining good grades, and continuing education for 4 or 8 more years will bring you success. This system is crumbling, people are waking up. The debt ceiling will have no limit, as it will continue to pile up with the debts of millions that are unable to pay back. People are abandoning the old ideas of going to school to become indebted with degrees that will not lead to success. It is time to think outside of the box. It is time to put everything you know behind, and listen to the minds of those who know the truth and see it for what it is. The society that we are living in is a fraud. It is a lie; everything you have been told is deceit. The powers that be are keeping people below their means in order to succeed.

Today’s historic occurrence would not have been possible without the support of my family. It would not have been possible for me to continue moving forward without their unconditional love. Perhaps this may not be the case for many others, but the tools to help you are out there; believe me. Believe in yourself. Believe that there is a way out of this situation and utilize as many resources as possible. Dig deeper; do not follow traditional paths, for they will only lead you into the edge of the abyss.

I may not know what the future holds, and perhaps nobody does know what is going to happen. But the one thing that I know, which is clear, is that I have eradicated this debt by myself. This is one of my greatest personal achievements of all time, and I will remember this day for as long as I live. The inspiration and relief that I feel at this moment cannot be replaced or matched by anything else. There is no greater satisfaction than to know that I will no longer be exploited by those who are meant to help me. So wake up, find strength, even in the smallest of things, fight your fight, pave your future, and end your war.

I’m going to Seattle in April of next year. I’m going back to school in the Fall of next year. One more payment and college loans will be finished. Planning to move in with my boyfriend next year, while planning a vacation with him to a favorite get away. I am happy. Happy. It’s amazing how much a difference a few days can make between the lines of wanting to die with depression, to feeling happy and wanting to live so fully that the air from my lungs escape me and leave me breathless.

I love life. I think I have always loved life, secretly, even during the darkest hours. This is a blessing, a rarity, a miracle that will not happen again, to my knowledge. Without asking questions, without asking “Why?”, I am going to feel blessed. Because I am blessed. I have come a long way since the dark, miserable winters from the early beginnings of the second decade of the 2000s’. Here I am. Here I stand, here I rise, here I go. And I’m doing just fine. Everything is going to be ok. Good things are going to happen. And if the journey ends, abruptly, as it has been known to do at times, I want to be able to have no regrets and say that at least I did what I wanted to do. Tell me, how about you?

One more payment left on my loans and that will be the end of it. However, now, I have been thinking about going back to school because that is the only way to make more money. There are so many factors that would play into this…and it wouldn’t be a good idea to become more stress with multiple transitions. Moving out, going back to school, projects, paper, homework, internships, working full time…and everything else in between outside of those two. It’s a lot to think about, and time is only dwindling down. No idea what is going to happen. Going to an open house on Monday night so I hope to get some answers.

The cold has arrived, but not as it usually does. It continues to  change week by week, and it adds to the nuisance of things. But, there is no reason to be negative or depressed about anything. I have a very good life, and it is only going to get better, god willing.

A breakthrough occurred in my relationship, and while the details will be left out, it is a very acceptable and positive breakthrough. Time will only tell if thing are going to remain the same, have to be optimistic.

Thinking about travels next year…and also about moving out. There is fear, there is anxiety and doubts, but there is no other way to confront the issue than to just simply jump in. Otherwise, we will never know. And these sort of things just have to be done until everything else falls into place.

Work has been horrendously slow, and supposedly it will pick up again soon. However, again, time will be the judge of that. Other than that, there is nothing else going on that is worthy of mentioning or reflecting about.

The journey continues, somehow.

I feel dejected and empty inside. I don’t think my life is ideal. It feels like it’s all wrong and I am so dissatisfied with everything. My job doesn’t seem right; doesn’t pay enough and it’s tiring to deal with the problems of others, as well as managers. My relationship doesn’t seem right; he doesn’t like all of the things that I like and it feels like he makes no effort to compromise. My family life is wrong; I don’t have a relationship with my brother and it’s damaged with my parents because they have shown no interest in my relationship which has hurt it. My friend life is wrong; feeling lonelier as the weeks go by and I barely talk or see anyone. My home life is wrong; I have to move out because it is intolerable and awkward to live with my parents.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Have to take a break from smoking weed because that isn’t helping. And it’s hard with all of these things going on because it makes me want to take xanax, and this past week I took it twice. It has been a long time since that happened…can’t remember the last time xanax was taken. Everything just seems like a low key nightmare right now. Not sure if it’s because the focus is on all of the negative things, probably. After all of these years. Why can’t my brain stop doing this to me? And the racing inner thoughts and monologues…the worst part. I had to come here tonight to write about everything because there is no other outlet for this to be let out in. Been thinking about going back to therapy but money is always an issue…well, not entirely an issue but it’s still hard when saving up is the main goal. And to be honest, it will be predictable…all therapists care about is client retention because that’s more money for them.

There is no need to hear “it’s all up to you to change all of this,” because I don’t want to hear it. This is something that I already know. It’s difficult right now, especially with the financial situation. Next year, maybe after summer, I have to really try to look for something pays more. It is going to be hard work…but life is just going by so fast. Everything is so surreal, and it is really hard not to ask existential questions. We’re all just a ghost in a shell. Nothing makes sense anymore and it doesn’t seem like it ever did. Today, I uttered out loud; I hate everything. I feel depressed.

Another end to the work week, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Being back from vacation is always depressing, so I was not sure what was in store for me. Luckily, it was nothing that was terrible. I still have to come up with a strategy for needy people. I have to continue to try and be tougher, and develop methods to be firm. I think that I have come a long way.

The “catastrophic” storm is making a direct hit down south after midnight tomorrow. Those poor people. Not all of my family was able to evacuate. I guess that this is the price that one must pay for living in paradise. Yet again, I do enjoy the region of the country that I live in. I have to say that it is unique and exquisite in its own way. Tomorrow, I plan a hike. It has been quite sometime since this happened, so I have to ensure that I make the best of it. The weather will be nor warm nor cool, just right. I hope for no rain.

K had a miscarriage and nearly died. It is…beyond words to think about this. Just weeks ago, I was randomly thinking of what would happen if she died. That thought just randomly crossed my mind. It was not something that I was expecting or planning; it was just a passing thought, like most of my thoughts. Or most of our human thoughts anyway. I think that the world is going through a difficult era at the present moment, and the thought of day may be more present in our minds than usual. I don’t fear it.

In any case, I am so close to eradicating my debt. And speaking of debt, a gigantic data breach was announced. The spineless, soulless pigs made assurances to themselves before announcing it to the world. What can we expect in this disgusting world we are living it? And people ask me why I hate people! There is your answer. I know that not everyone is bad, but I can say, for certain, that I despise other humans! I want to go away, far away in the mountains, But the curious thing is that we need social interactions to survive. So this is why I have very few friends, whom I have kept very close through the years. And I shall continue to do so. It is essential. The sad reality is that good people are hard to come by…genuine people are a rare gift. We have to treasure them.

The world will continue to spiral downward. But we will continue life, as if nothing was happening. As Lana del Rey sings, “When the world was at war before, we just kept dancing. And we’ll do it again.”

Today was a difficult day. I spent the first half of the day worrying and crying over the potential threat of war that is now looming in the world. The thought about nuclear war has me feeling very ill and depressed. I expressed my concerns to R and E. A good conversation took place with R regarding the circumstances and potential motives of these events, while E was more of a quicker “let me comfort you,” sentence. But no matter. This brings me back to dreams that I’ve had where fire is raining down from the skies…only that the possibility of this is not a dream. It’s a living nightmare.
It’s sickening to think that the world is ruled by mad men with big egos who are offended by anything. The stupidity and evil of men is going to be the ultimate downfall. There is just no way to say this. It is so unfair that humanity has to suffer because of a few soulless men who are only interested in themselves. I don’t know what else to think about this…R suggested that I just move on and go on with my life. It does go on, after all, no matter what. This also brings back bad memories of a book I read for high school summer called “On the beach” which talks about the end of the world after many nuclear bombs were detonated. I just can’t believe that this is happening to our world right now. People are lost, full of self interest and greed. There is no compassion or kindness anymore. There are many fake people walking among us, who pretend to be pure, but in reality, are using that to lure in the kind hearted ones and take advantage of them. Believe this; I have met them myself.

A storm is looming in the ocean and due to hit sometime next week; anticipating a lot of rain and winds, but nothing else, since we are away from the ocean.

I have given up on trying to come up with a timeline on when I will be officially done with debt. It is going to happen when it is supposed to happen. What I can say, for certain, is that this is closer than ever before, and for that, I am glad.

Back to work tomorrow, and I have no idea what to expect. I am not sure what is waiting for me, but I will tackle it accordingly. I have to remain tough, and I have to remain decisive because I do not want to be involved more than I should with what I do.

There is nothing else to write about for the time being. Some suspicions from my loved one about someone, but there is nothing to worry about. I think that these worries are unfounded, because there is no contact going on. It is rather off putting because it comes across as obsessive and it just turns me off. Someone should be able to trust, and trust fully. Never mind the things that have been said in the past; those were empty words, fueled by moments of weakness and emotion. I did not mean any of those things that were said. But in any case, they will never come to see the day of light. And further, we made a promise to each other, on our one year anniversary, that we would put everything in the last year behind us and start fresh, and so we did. I truly feel that, after our one year mark passed, things have been drastically different. Something in the air…something has changed between us. And for that, I am glad, because it has changed for the better. I truly hope that things can stay this way, because I am not sure that either one of us can take another year of the same struggles that took place on the first year. But I have a good feeling that these struggles are officially dead, in the past, and that they will not be coming back to haunt us in the future.

More later, as it happens.

Advertisements