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Another day gone by. Was busy at work so at least that kept me happy. I am now dealing with another crazy that talks too much…but really, poor broken souls. Yet they continue to believe in god and have faith…despite all the horrors they have been through. I think that certainly speaks for itself; perhaps this is what true faith is about. I leave those problems in their living room tables; after all, they are not my problems. I only help navigate through them. I do love my job, I am lucky to say so. I know what it is like to have a job you hate. One of the worst feelings.

I continued to obsess over political news today. I know that it is not good for me, but the obsession wouldn’t stop. I’m just in disbelief about the things that are happening in this country right now. These so called leaders are so blatantly hateful and ignorant…and people still vote for them. What is happening to the world? What fucked up reality is this? I have to develop a plan to truly stay away from everything. I can’t carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, nobody can. I already deal with enough at work. And speaking of burden, I was thinking about my life earlier today. I have to be thankful because I have a relatively easy life. I am free of major stressors and at least have a quality of life where I am. When I think about moving out soon, in the next 6 months or so, I know that it will be a struggle. This is why proper arrangements have to be made.

The weather is finally cooperating and today is the first day of summer. I think that a trip to the beach on Saturday is going to rejuvenate me so much. Yes.

For now, I have to think about the plan that is going to be developed and put in place to avoid the outside world. I have said this many times, but it is the only way to preserve the little bit of peace and sanity that we have left. “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” I am going to live by this motto for as long as I can.

We are living an aberration in this country where politicians are destroying the lives of millions of people. I’m so tired of the hate and ignorance. But my sincere hope is this: I hope that every single person who supports hate and doesn’t think that anything is going to happen to them gets everything taken away from them. I don’t care. I hope you lose your health care and your livelihood. You are playing yourself and your fellow country men. I am so disgusted to be a part of this sickening world. You would think that after everything that has happened in such short time, people would wake up, but they continue not go. So, in the long run, when the economy is destroyed and your services taken away, you will not have any other person to blame but yourself. So fuck every single person that votes for ignorance and hate. I hope that you, your children, and grandchildren pay the price, like the rest of us do. But don’t get too comfortable. Enjoy this brief moment while you can, because the majority of the world is laughing at you. And when things change, and things will change, because nothing is forever, then you will be at the receiving end of defeat. This is inevitable.

So fuck this country right now, and every single person that has brought on this disgrace of a government and nightmare for the rest of us. But don’t worry, you will also suffer with the policies that only benefit the 1% of the petty billionaire class. You are too ignorant and blind to see. Too fucking stupid. It’s beyond any words. So I’ll leave it at that. We are laughing at you too.

K asked for FROYO today but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’m going to the gym this evening and needed time to relax after dinner. Also, there is a rainstorm pelting everything right now and some thunder. So I guess Wednesday is the first official day of summer? But who the hell cares? Who the hell made up these imaginary days and rules? The weather hasn’t been cooperating anyways.

I’ve spend the last two days reading the old entries from this blog, most of it which is private. It has to stay private to protect some identities, but as I have mentioned before, it is genius writing. Maybe it can be published as a small memoir one day…without editing. It has to be raw in order to serve its purpose.

I went along a small joy ride today after a work meeting to the country. It was so beautiful, and driving around the lake, seeing those big houses on the hills…how I really wish that was my life. Part of me really wants to stay in the country, but another part of me knows that this would be a lonely life for the most part. Today, I have come to truly realize that I never knew what I was doing with my life. I thought I did, but I really don’t. I don’t think that any of us do. Part of me wants to live in the country, part of me wants to ┬álive in the city outskirts…it’s all a mess. And I will never make enough money to lead the type of life that I want, so that’s another reason to be in a relationship.
And speaking of relationship, we finally broke out of the norm last night and went to a show. He said that I need to have thick skin in order to be with him, and that I should be able to call him out and put him in his place. Although when I have tried to do that, I am met with resistance. Well, I think that I should remind him of this then. He does have a big fortune coming in the future, so that is another advantage. Some days I want things to work out, and some days I am not sure that they will. But isn’t that what I longed for anyway? This whole time? Some one to accept me with all of my flaws? He has been the only one…so far anyway. I really don’t know what I am going to do, and hoping for the best without being proactive and working to improve the relationship isn’t exactly a good plan.

I received a thank you note from my brother’s finance regarding the present that I bough for their wedding. See you in July indeed. Some things stay the same, and some things change. But don’t they say that things are always changing? Well, as the song says, “The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.”

I am hoping that the next few weeks give me a break so I can travel to Vermont on a Saturday. The weather has been plotting against me. I don’t appreciate it one bit! We aren’t even allowed to have decent weather in this bankrupt state…people are leaving, businesses are leaving…what will there be in the end?

Saving up is taking forever. There is always something impeding meeting my goals. These 1000 dollar something credit card bills NEED to fucking stop. I even sold my iPad to make up for some of the costs. Yes, it was hard to part ways with it, it’s still strange that it is gone (all this sentiment for a piece of technology? A testament of how dumb we have gotten), but I will take any help that I can get at this point. I can’t wait to just pay off all of school…I haven’t been paying them anything for almost two months now. Why throw money away to interest? The biggest scam of it all is the entire University and loan system. I can’t fucking WAIT for the day that these loans are gone. July? August? When? I really hope to be done with this September the earliest, I can’t take it anymore. And after that, save up to try and attempt to find a decently priced apartment. I just wish I didn’t have to live in this place. I want to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years, but the older I grow , the more I realize how hard it actually is. I’ll leave it at that before I go into another mindless rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.

I have enough to pay off school. But now, I have to wait maybe a month or two to pay it all off to ensure that I have enough left in my bank account to pay for other bills. It will all finally be over soon…impatience has taken over at times.

Nothing to do today because the weather was not cooperating. But now it changed to 71 and some sun…of course it would, towards the end of the day. My boyfriend came out to a walk with me last week and I was very shocked that he said yes. I got another ultimatum and I truly believe that this will be the last chance that he will ever give me. And I understand him. I understand the things that I have put him through, but he also has put me through other things…maybe not as deliberately as I have, but still. I guess we forgave each other. I hope that everything stays peaceful…for our sake.

Going to try to smoke weed again to see what happens. Also trying to get into the gym again…but it’s a waiting game because of having to see when the promotion comes out.
Going to do my best to live it up this summer. Nothing or anyone is going to stop that from happening.

Laying here in my old bed…thinking about the things that have happened in the past, and how everything has somehow changed. I look forward to the day, sometime later this year, where I can finally move out. After all of this time! I am very excited to begin this process sometime in the Fall. Probably closer to my birthday. That would be such a fun birthday present to myself…to be able to find a place. I know that it will happen.

It has been a slow beginning to the year, but next month we will be half way done, once more. It is difficult to think how fast the years are going by. Soon we will all be dead…just kidding. But I will say that ever since I got over my existential crisis, I arrived at the resolution to live it up as much as I can. Isn’t that what everyone does anyway? Yes. And so will I. This is why I am trying to have as many experiences as possible…but at the same time, it leaves me thirsty for me. I think that there is no satisfying the human hunger for more. People want more things every day…no matter how much they get.

Last summer was memorable, so in keeping with tradition, this summer will be no different. I am happy that I can get to work in another location that is rarely monitored by the higher ups…so I can escape and do whatever I want when the opportunity calls for it. But I have to admit that I will never do this if I have outstanding work to do. I always make sure that I finish my work before I do something outside of the office. Nothing is every truly left undone…of course unless I genuinely have no time to do it because I am busy doing other things.

I think I have arrived at the conclusion that my mind is obsessed with thinking about the near future…next week, next month. It is part of having an anxious personality disorder, I guess. But that is why maybe the weed will help. Trial and error will only tell. I have to somehow figure out how to get a weed pouch…or toiletry case. Maybe ebay will help…Louis Vuitton again? If the price is right, and only if the price is right, of course.

More wars and conflict above, and I do my best to stay away from it all because I have to protect the last bit of tranquility that I have left in this world.

Well. That is it. Later. More later.

Nobody has to care about what I write; these are only my own thoughts. The over thinking continues to ruin my relationship. I need to look up techniques on how to control over thinking. There is yoga, music, sleeping, and conversation with others. But I have to find something to do when I am alone. Writing here helps me a lot; as long as I can remember, writing has been a tremendous outlet for me.
Work continues to keep me busy, although I do wish that I was busier. It is always good to be busy and constantly on the move, no matter where I travel to within the assigned region of the state. Hopefully, in time, more work will come my way.
Thinking about taking some time to myself to figure out what I would like out of my relationship. Every time him and I talk, I know that we have a special bond. I have not created something special with anyone before…not even guys that were similar to me. Went out for a walk today and was thinking about a particular person that I had a connection with in terms of thought processes and hobbies. The very next, he disappeared. During a discussion with my boyfriend, he pointed out to me that these guys only wanted me for sex, and that once they found out that I was looking for a genuine connection, they ran away. This guy was one of those people. When I think about all of the guys that I have gone on dates with, nobody has connected with me the way that my boyfriend and I connected. Our relationship just seems to work, despite our differences. Yes, there are normal clashes here and there, but for the most part, we get along very well. Most (but not all) of our issues are a byproduct of my over thinking. He has been no saint. I am glad that he has taken the time to explain himself to me regarding the times when I questioned him about certain views and topics. The fact that he is still with me despite everything I have done, is the definition of true love. He really has shown me that true love is real. I don’t want to question anything anymore, I know that when we put out minds to it, we get through whatever obstacles we are facing. Nobody can predict the future, and nobody can predict if this relationship will be successful in the end, but what is known is that we both want to be with one another, and will do anything to make things work.

The walk I took today was a part of the new effort to be more active when I am home from work and not simply lay on my bed, which takes away all of my energy. I have to get rid of that bad habbit. It was chilly, and the school fields were occupied, so I went back in about half an hour, which was a satisfactory time for a walk in these conditions. But once the warm weather arrives, it will be very important to go back to the trails. I am still going along with my plan of trying to engage my boyfriend in trying new things, and if it fails tremendously, I just don’t think I could stay with him. Or could I? Let it be decided as time goes by.

More later, as usual.

Last night I went to a concert and it was an amazing, vibrant experience. I made sure to submerge myself as much as possible in this extraordinay experience of the senses. A good time was had by all and it was a wonderful night for music, laughter, and friends.

Trumpcare was killed yesterday and the night was full of celebration. No further thoughts on this; a major victory for the people.

I am in the last straw of my relationship; I don’t want to be the one that runs away, but if he does not put effort to do more things that I like to do rather than me doing everything he suggests, I am going to walk away. I really hope he can pull it together because my brother’s wedding is in July and he has been invited. He has been making small progress in being educated about diversity so I am happy.

Finally started again at my old job and it was as if I never left. Was welcomed back with open arms and once again, the tomfoolery of being involved in other people’s lives begins.

What happened today? I’ll tell you what happened today. Next week is my last week at my current job. I haven’t told them anything, only two co-workers know. I plan on writing a candid letter next Friday, and sending it to my boss and a human resource staff. That will partly expose them for the crooks that they are; I won’t go too much into details because I don’t want to become involved in a possible legal situation, but my honesty should be enough to set off a bomb after I leave. But anyway, today, I could not stand being there anymore, and I refused to become an unofficial salesman and attempt to have people tell me what their electronic address is, so that was not going to happen. I lied and said that I would be in a different building doing just that; asking poor people to give me their e-mails to boost the numbers of this tyranical health center up so that the higher ups can take all the credit. Isn’t that how America works anyway? But today, it did not work out that way.
What I wasn’t counting on is that one of my co-workers decided to pay a visit to the place I was supposed to be in and asked my other co-worker where I was. Bless her; she covered for me and said she didn’t know where I was…but nevertheless, the jig was up. This was half hour later after I left. What I found curious right now is that she didn’t text me or call me; she has my personal number. So why didn’t she? Why didn’t she contact me? Did she feel the need to wash her hands and let her boss, our boss, know that this was something that she should handle? Is this something that her brain could not take on because she has other problems going on in her life? Well I’ll tell you something; nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to go back to school. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to take this stressful job. Nobody put a fucking fun on her head and force her to date the man she is always bitching about. Fun tidbit about this latter fact; she once told me that sometimes our minds tell us to stay in relationships even though we know that they are not good for us. So what is she doing? She is staying in one that is not good for her, but she spends all day posting stupid shit posts on instagram about infidelity, relationships, school, and other topics that are not worthy of mentioning here.
All suspicion aside, if she told my boss that I was nowhere to be found, there is something to be said that the boss just so happens to have a meeting in the same office I am going to be working in, which wouldn’t be my home office. If I were her, I would be smart not to rat me out, because since I am going out either way, I will go out dropping several truth bombs and granades as I make my exit. Does she want to get thrown under a bus? She does not. But since she probably isn’t smart, she may have already lit my fuse. Only Monday will tell.
Either way, I am happy. Happy because no matter what happens, this next week is going to be my last week in that hell. It was an honest mistake on my part in going there. Nothing could have warned me of the bullshit that I have endured since I started December. If this was foretold, I would have never left my previous job. I gave up a lot of freedom to come to where I currently am, thinking that it would provide an opportunity for growth and development. Instead, I have stumbled upon idiots who call themselves supervisors and hold Doctorate degrees that should have never been handed out and revoked immediately. I would like to know why someone with a PhD makes spelling errors often and does not know how to be professional while treating their subordinates with respect. Well, soon enough, that is going to backfire on them. My candid letter, although not a kick below the belt, is going to make an impact. At least I would like to think so, because at this point, all human resource jobs should be eliminated. Nothing ever gets done. In any case, I will have the last word. Because what I think of these people and this self indulging agency cannot truly be put into words, so instead, I am going to make sure that a magnifying glass is placed on them.

So yeah, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will be a year tomorrow since she left this world. It’s weird to think about…what have I exactly done in that year? Life seems like a blur when it’s thought about…so many things have happened, but that phone call seems as if it happened just last month. But alas, it will be a year tomorrow. The plan is to have a normal day; go about work routines, get home, and get ready for Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend. Of course I am going to be thinking of her tomorrow, more than ever. I’m not sure that there has been a day that I did not think about her since she left this world. There may have been a few days here and there where she was completely off my mind…and when I think about the question of “What have you learned since? How have things changed since that day?”, the answer that comes to mind is that, although the existential crisis continued all through most of the year, life was lived to the fullest. Went on road trips, took another vacation, experimented sexually like never before, did not take any day for granted, and inhaled every single experience that I was able to create. That is her parting gift to me; that life is to be enjoyed with its fullest potential. Yes, fragments of the crisis still linger, but I have come out of this stage of my life stronger and with a deeper appreciation for experiences. The need for material possessions has vastly diminished. More emphasis has been placed on food, traveling, nature, peace, yoga, family, and friends.

It is a certainty that a range of emotions are going to be flowing through me tomorrow, but this is only normal. My anxiety over Valentine day’s dinner does not help the ocasion. In the end, everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow, frankly speaking, will just be another day. Thank you for making me learn that the lesson from your passing was to enjoy life to its fullest. Rest in peace, and let me be at peace.

Things are taking a turn down the “What is happening?” lane. Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while…and the weekends? It’s very painful to recall the events. My boyfriend and I nearly broke up…and I felt so much pain and hurt…emotions that I hadn’t felt since my friend passed away last Valentine’s day. Fortunately, we were able to resolve our isues. Still, it was stressful and not pleasant.

Snow has finally begun to fall as it should during winter…although, we still have been having a “dry” season for a lack of better word. No matter how much I may detest the cold, I will never cease to enjoy the wintry sceneries after snow falls. Last night, after getting home, I stood outside for quite some time admiring the peace, stillness, and calm. Small snowflakes began to fall, and I deeply admired the white landscape in the cold, dark night. Moments such as these are precious and at times, rare. The hustle and bustle of life continues, but one must make sure to find oneself immersed in these moments of complete calm and stillness. That is one of the very few escapes that we have left from the turmoil of the world.

There is a rule that I have always put in place for myself: Never go back to previous jobs. Yet, here I find myself going for a meeting next Friday to plead my case and hope that they take me back. The situation at my current job has become unbearable. Hostile supervisors, unhappy co-workers, unrealistic expectations, broken operation systems, and maniacal agency leaders. This is not a place where I am going to be happy. Sure, I was not 100% happy at my previous job (are we ever?), but in contrast, it was a much better fit for me. The life and work balance was an aspect that I took for granted. I am going to do everything possible to make sure that they take me back. Wondering down the road of any other possibility is certainly not an option, and will not be considered.

This weekend is going to be my escape from the hell that is endured during the work week. But soon, it will be different…and so I pray. I continue to learn about life and people as I get older.

I did not go to my friend’s memorial. I suspect that my friend is highly annoyed with my decision not to go…but I stand by this decision and it was the best course of action. I did not want to relive any memories after having had a difficult week; and that is my right. I have not heard from her for an entire week. Some are saying that this is not a true friend. I concur; and so do my dreams. Last night, a dream took place in which a heated telephone call between us took place. It seemed very real…perhaps a projection of the future? Nevertheless, I will wait for contact.

Eagerly awaiting the end of the month; will be back to steady financial gains and no significant debts to be paid. After that, it should be a smooth journey into Spring, Summer, and to achieve my goals of eradicating debt completely from my name. The future looks exciting, but as always, uncertain.