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What can I even say about today? How can I even try to put into words the torrent of fuckery that ensued on this humid summer day?

I found out that my boyfriend would not be allowed to sit with me for dinner during the reception at my brother’s wedding. And what for? We were told in the beginning by him that it would not be a problem, and that we would be sitting together the entire time. I wrote a thoughtful and honest message to him stating my grievances, but reminding him that I loved him and supported what made him happy no matter what. And can you believe that he responded saying he “understood” my concerns but that it was tradition not to have dates at the wedding party table? So I asked people who were married if this was the case, and they said that it was not! This is all another work of art perpetrated by his fiancé. Yes. R confirmed this for me after I told her what was happening. She knows little of the situation itself but was quick to give me that conclusion. And my boyfriend agreed too. Tomorrow I speak with E and will tell her…will not be surprised if she agrees and says the same thing! But leave it to the jesus freaks to be judgmental. She does not want a gay couple to be seen in photos of her special day. Well fuck her special day, and fuck that wedding. I spent an ungodly sum in traveling expenses when it could have been used to moving out. But it all went down the train to appease their selfishness. She can expect zero contact from me after this entire travesty is over with. To think that I was certain she had extended an olive branch by sending thank you cards for wedding gift and liking some of my photographs. I am such an imbecile for planning to extend it back and make peace with her. Well this was the last straw for me. I recognize that I am at guilt for not making an effort to get to know her and giving her a very cold shoulder, but one would think that since she is such a “sweet” catholic girl, that she would be the better person. Well let me laugh at anyone who thinks that. Fake. All fake it seems. Sad. The entire day was spent in conversation with my brother and my boyfriend about this subject and I nearly had a panic attack. I had no choice and went outside to walk and breathe fresh air. The conversation is still going on as I write this!

On top of that, I was ready to strangle my client today for her deplorable behavior. It is not my fault they are experiencing poverty. Do not dare to come at me and tell me how easy it is to get a paycheck when all I am doing is trying to help. Some poor people can be very bitter. None of this is my fault! I did not choose to have kids and be with a loser! I went to school, took out loans on my name, and traversed through hell to obtain my degree, which by the way, is not making me rich. So what is her grievance about? I will continue to be nothing but direct with her because I have to present myself as a person that plays no games. And I don’t!
It has been so busy that I barely had time for anything. I actually worked nearly 8 hours today; the thought of that! I could have had a heart attack from all the nonsense that happened. But the gym and eating helped. Much. I cannot smoke because it is affecting intimacy and I don’t want none of that. I do feel bad for lying about it, but at least it is not a major lie or infidelity. I would never in my life resort to that. Disloyalty! Never. But the stress is also partly to blame for this. I just can’t focus and have no energy to perform. I rather sleep.

I cannot wait for this week to be over…I cannot wait for next week to also be over. Once the wedding is done, I can focus on the real issues at hand. Tomorrow I find out how the sudden move I made yesterday results in. I just feel suspended in the air, floating by and not having any clear idea of what is going to happen. I had the urge to rage today, to scream and scream to let out all of the anger, but it just did not come out. It was channeled in a different way. Maybe this is just for the best as of now.

 

Today I ordered the first massive offensive against the debt that needs to be destroyed. It was a final minute decision, but once I saw the situation at its present form, I decided that there is no turning back at this point. This has been delayed since March; a monstrous delay in my opinion. So in a few days I will find out how much the total is applied to the actual amount due and I will base immediate decisions after that. There is no turning back from this.

The beach retreat to Cape Cod had to be moved to the middle to the end of the week, third week of August. Then another retreat to the coast of New Jersey the last week of August going into September. This will be a good time to rethink things and re-organize.
Next week I fly out to the midwest for the wedding, and I shall be glad when this is all over. It has been draining and stressful. The event has been plagued by guest cancelations but I say that this is the consequence of having an event in such short notice (less than 8 months) and having it in the middle of nowhere. I spent a fortune on travel expenses only to be there for a day! But at the same time, I know that both sides of this are being selfish. But I am happy at the end of the day for my brother, that is what he wants.

The world continues to spiral out of control, so I have decided to surround myself in a cloud of marijuana until further notice, but of course, this has to be done in moderation. I do not want things to be very obvious.

Work continues to be work, and nothing else. Drama here and there, but as long as I stay away from it, I will be unscathed.
This week is very busy with extra curricular non work related events; birthday event on Thursday at the theater and a birthday party at the lounge on Friday night. Well. These things don’t happen often so of course we are obliged to attend. And it will be a good distraction anyway.

Herr Doctor has contacted me for help with computer software. But it is I who will have to look up tutorials before I help. He has offered to pay me, to which I said “What nonsense!” but there was no convincing him otherwise. I have been thinking of how much I will miss him when he eventually departs…he is of age. It will break my heart. He has been a soul that I have been connected with for a very long time. A unique soul that understands me…and those are rare to find in this god forsake country, this god forsaken world.

Is there ever any salvation from it all?

I feel like a piece of shit. I think I’m just finding reasons to get myself sad…like focusing on the things I wish my bf had that he doesn’t. More of like the things I wish he did is more like it. I love him and care about him a great deal…he is the only guy who has ever stuck around. But here I am just thinking bad things, and wishing that he was somehow more like me when I know that it is never going to happen. So I either have to be okay with it or move on. These are real thoughts that are going through my head. Our relationship goes up and down. I know that no relationship, no matter how similar a person is to you, is easy. There will always be more ups and downs, but I wish that we had more ups rather than downs. I am doing my best to make things work and to make situations better; I am learning, being patient, trying to do my best to avoid situations. I think that I just don’t know how to be in a relationship. There are things I have done which are not appropriate….some I knew weren’t and some I know were. It’s a learning process. I am not sure why I miss hooking up so much if it never spiritually fulfilled me at the end of the day. The thrill of random sex was wild and exciting. A true rush. But I knew that these people never cared about me and my well being. My safety. My mind and heart. At the rate I was going, I am sure I would have gotten hurt. At times, I would embrace these men and pretend, just for a few seconds, that they were my boyfriend. I think I am fucked up beyond repair. It’s not to say that I have no self esteem or think negatively, but I just think that I am too weird, too strange for the world. But isn’t everyone this way?

He has said that maybe I should find someone more like me. Well, I was with someone who was more like me. He still had things that I didn’t like about him, and the reason it ended was because I was too negative. But even if I wasn’t, it would not have worked. He had different life plans and nothing was certain for me.

I just feel like…after meeting guys and going through a lot of drama, I finally find someone that takes me for ME, and here I am looking for the things that I don’t like about him or our relationship to make me unhappy. I hate myself for doing this. I’m a mental masochist and I just want it to stop. I really do.

Didn’t celebrate fourth of july because I don’t care about the country or the government. Are we supposed to celebrate a bunch of old white men with slaves who wanted to be “free” from the rule of others to do whatever they wanted? This country was built on the corpses of Natives and the hard labour of slaves. And now it’s ruled by corporation petty billionaires who only care about making more money at the expense of the middle and poor classes. So, no, fuck this country I am not celebrating anything. Anyone who isn’t awake yet is a total sheet. If they can’t see the reality of things for how it is, that will be their problem.

In other news, today turned out to be a good day after all. It wasn’t as dreadful as I thought it would be, which I guess is a nice surprise because I like to be proved wrong. Not that I should think negatively anyway, but it is always nice when the opposite of what we thought would happen ends up being the case.

Hope that the weather is good on Saturday because I need to go to the beach and relax. I continue to build more lean muscle each week that goes by, so that is making me feel good about myself. Tomorrow should be an easy day as well, this week turned out to be pretty great after all. I am not complaining. And the weekend looks promising so I am very excited. The only thing that I am dreading right now is just having enough money to pay off school. That day needs to hurry up and it needs to come fast because I cannot keep on waiting. I am so close to my goal so naturally, I am getting very impatient. I think that the gift to myself will either be a new laptop or a bottle of champagne. Whichever I am in the mood for! But probably the champagne to be honest. I am so tired of spending money on things that I do not need, which is the fallacy of many across the country. Buying things that they know they won’t be needing at all…for what? I’m not sure.

More later.

I smoked some weed and I feel fine. I went to see the waterfalls and was gone an hour and a half from work. What a privilege to be honest. This certainly doesn’t happen to anyone…I need to count my blessings. It’s essential.

After that, I went to have ice cream with my friend and then I went to the gym. The rain was coming down hard at one point…I was sitting in the chairs waiting for it to get better. There was a guy who was jacked and decided to take his shirt off and run to his car. Ugh. Amazing. I definitely feel that I miss being able to sleep with whoever I want. I have to remember that such life brings nothing but drama, deceit, and potentially doom. At the rate that I was going, something bad could have happened to me. That I know. But he came to rescue me at the right time. It’s amazing and funny how life works. But still. I think that the reason I binge watch porn sometimes is because I am living my whore life through the porn. I just don’t want to be always watching it. It’s gone down to twice a week now, which is not bad at all. I have to watch it. I really do. I don’t want anything to become a bad habit. It’s controlled now and I’m very glad.

Anyway. Another weekend of rain. But next weekend will be good, so I have to decide if I want to go to the beach or Vermont. Time will tell.

I’m glad another week is finally over. I finished all of my work and have nothing really outstanding. Fridays are usually my days to get everything done that I have during the week.

I really hope that my patience of paying off school pays off soon. I have been very patient…maybe for too long. But there is nothing more important to me than to pay off this debt and never have to worry about it again.

More later. I thought that tomorrow would be the last day of the month, but it is today. Tomorrow is July…and that is another month that has gone and brings us closer to Winter…the end of the year…and the eventual end. It’s bothersome. It really is. So I guess just cherish every single second. Although I will always believe, no matter what anyone tells me, that there has GOT to be something behind all of this existence and Universe. Beyond comprehension, but I believe that there is really something more than meets the eye.  I could complain about how boring my life is or count the blessings and accept them for who they are. I have a relatively very easy life, and for that I am forever grateful.

I really long for more in life. Truly. Trying to stay away from social media and talking a lot to other people. It just seems to me, seems that everyone is having much more fun. What happened to working full time? Do people just not have responsibilities? It’s interesting. Well maybe I am looking at the wrong people then, who aren’t there yet. Poor J was telling me the other day that he has not had a day off in more than two weeks. Deplorable. I should write to him to make sure he is okay.

June was boring. Nothing but rain and thunder. Few nice days here and there…but it was so hot, yes very hot. I should stop complaining though. It could be much worse. Much much worse.

Auntie was not going to the wedding because of marital problems (not my business), but I found out that yes, she will be going after all. It was stressing me out having to tell my boyfriend that it would only be my parents after all. That would have been so sad, nobody but your parents and your brother going to your wedding from your family. Well, stress averted. In less than a month all of this will finally be over. Yes.

Just wishing and longing for the day of moving out. Just need to make sure that everything is in order. I have come so far and have paved the way for this…it should have happened sooner, but I will take what I can get at this point.
Work continues to keep me busy, and the people continue to provide me with life experiences and new ways of seeing my life. Those poor souls, how they suffer. We live in an extremely unjust world. It’s very sickening; that’s why I don’t believe in a religious god. Although it’s very interesting that most of these people still believe in god and mention that their faith is what keeps them going. I am always amazed at this. But just because I don’t believe in something it does not mean that it is not real to someone else. I always make sure to respect others as long as no harm is being done by what they believe in. But that’s another story.

B has been needy ever since he broke up with his boyfriend, and sometimes he can just get too much…so I do my best to avoid him and not reply to his messages right away. But it’s interesting to note that he has been talking to me a lot more than usual now that he is single. Still, I just don’t want to see him right now. I did tell him that Friday I would be able to see him, but I honestly have to think about it. He can be very exhausting, and he has a tendency to flash his fortunes (new car, no school debt, moving away) to me. I am not sure if it is just to me, but still, it gets draining. And speaking of draining, I feel a headache coming.

I have a long day tomorrow…have to start the day at 8 o’clock and probably won’t be able to get back home until 5:30 in the evening. I don’t think I am going to the gym tomorrow, which is sad to me because I am trying to stay away from my house as much as I can. I love my parents but it just feels very awkward living here. Although today I was seriously wondering to myself how I am going to be able to live out on my own with all the bills that I am going to be paying. Well, people manage don’t they? Why can’t I? I am sure something will work out…I hope so. And being in a relationship is good too because in the end, one can have financial advantages once you are living with that person. No? It’s always interesting to think about. I just have to play it good and just make sure not to create any more tension. I can’t take it anymore. I am willing to sacrifice much for my mental health and stability.

I can’t write anymore I think I have to take my eyes off of the computer screen right now.

More later.

Another day gone by. Was busy at work so at least that kept me happy. I am now dealing with another crazy that talks too much…but really, poor broken souls. Yet they continue to believe in god and have faith…despite all the horrors they have been through. I think that certainly speaks for itself; perhaps this is what true faith is about. I leave those problems in their living room tables; after all, they are not my problems. I only help navigate through them. I do love my job, I am lucky to say so. I know what it is like to have a job you hate. One of the worst feelings.

I continued to obsess over political news today. I know that it is not good for me, but the obsession wouldn’t stop. I’m just in disbelief about the things that are happening in this country right now. These so called leaders are so blatantly hateful and ignorant…and people still vote for them. What is happening to the world? What fucked up reality is this? I have to develop a plan to truly stay away from everything. I can’t carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, nobody can. I already deal with enough at work. And speaking of burden, I was thinking about my life earlier today. I have to be thankful because I have a relatively easy life. I am free of major stressors and at least have a quality of life where I am. When I think about moving out soon, in the next 6 months or so, I know that it will be a struggle. This is why proper arrangements have to be made.

The weather is finally cooperating and today is the first day of summer. I think that a trip to the beach on Saturday is going to rejuvenate me so much. Yes.

For now, I have to think about the plan that is going to be developed and put in place to avoid the outside world. I have said this many times, but it is the only way to preserve the little bit of peace and sanity that we have left. “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” I am going to live by this motto for as long as I can.

We are living an aberration in this country where politicians are destroying the lives of millions of people. I’m so tired of the hate and ignorance. But my sincere hope is this: I hope that every single person who supports hate and doesn’t think that anything is going to happen to them gets everything taken away from them. I don’t care. I hope you lose your health care and your livelihood. You are playing yourself and your fellow country men. I am so disgusted to be a part of this sickening world. You would think that after everything that has happened in such short time, people would wake up, but they continue not go. So, in the long run, when the economy is destroyed and your services taken away, you will not have any other person to blame but yourself. So fuck every single person that votes for ignorance and hate. I hope that you, your children, and grandchildren pay the price, like the rest of us do. But don’t get too comfortable. Enjoy this brief moment while you can, because the majority of the world is laughing at you. And when things change, and things will change, because nothing is forever, then you will be at the receiving end of defeat. This is inevitable.

So fuck this country right now, and every single person that has brought on this disgrace of a government and nightmare for the rest of us. But don’t worry, you will also suffer with the policies that only benefit the 1% of the petty billionaire class. You are too ignorant and blind to see. Too fucking stupid. It’s beyond any words. So I’ll leave it at that. We are laughing at you too.

K asked for FROYO today but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’m going to the gym this evening and needed time to relax after dinner. Also, there is a rainstorm pelting everything right now and some thunder. So I guess Wednesday is the first official day of summer? But who the hell cares? Who the hell made up these imaginary days and rules? The weather hasn’t been cooperating anyways.

I’ve spend the last two days reading the old entries from this blog, most of it which is private. It has to stay private to protect some identities, but as I have mentioned before, it is genius writing. Maybe it can be published as a small memoir one day…without editing. It has to be raw in order to serve its purpose.

I went along a small joy ride today after a work meeting to the country. It was so beautiful, and driving around the lake, seeing those big houses on the hills…how I really wish that was my life. Part of me really wants to stay in the country, but another part of me knows that this would be a lonely life for the most part. Today, I have come to truly realize that I never knew what I was doing with my life. I thought I did, but I really don’t. I don’t think that any of us do. Part of me wants to live in the country, part of me wants to  live in the city outskirts…it’s all a mess. And I will never make enough money to lead the type of life that I want, so that’s another reason to be in a relationship.
And speaking of relationship, we finally broke out of the norm last night and went to a show. He said that I need to have thick skin in order to be with him, and that I should be able to call him out and put him in his place. Although when I have tried to do that, I am met with resistance. Well, I think that I should remind him of this then. He does have a big fortune coming in the future, so that is another advantage. Some days I want things to work out, and some days I am not sure that they will. But isn’t that what I longed for anyway? This whole time? Some one to accept me with all of my flaws? He has been the only one…so far anyway. I really don’t know what I am going to do, and hoping for the best without being proactive and working to improve the relationship isn’t exactly a good plan.

I received a thank you note from my brother’s finance regarding the present that I bough for their wedding. See you in July indeed. Some things stay the same, and some things change. But don’t they say that things are always changing? Well, as the song says, “The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.”

I am hoping that the next few weeks give me a break so I can travel to Vermont on a Saturday. The weather has been plotting against me. I don’t appreciate it one bit! We aren’t even allowed to have decent weather in this bankrupt state…people are leaving, businesses are leaving…what will there be in the end?

Saving up is taking forever. There is always something impeding meeting my goals. These 1000 dollar something credit card bills NEED to fucking stop. I even sold my iPad to make up for some of the costs. Yes, it was hard to part ways with it, it’s still strange that it is gone (all this sentiment for a piece of technology? A testament of how dumb we have gotten), but I will take any help that I can get at this point. I can’t wait to just pay off all of school…I haven’t been paying them anything for almost two months now. Why throw money away to interest? The biggest scam of it all is the entire University and loan system. I can’t fucking WAIT for the day that these loans are gone. July? August? When? I really hope to be done with this September the earliest, I can’t take it anymore. And after that, save up to try and attempt to find a decently priced apartment. I just wish I didn’t have to live in this place. I want to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years, but the older I grow , the more I realize how hard it actually is. I’ll leave it at that before I go into another mindless rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Considering going back to school to get my Master’s in Social Work. This should have been done a long time ago, but a family member fed me a false illusion. Still, nobody could have known the outcome of that special project, and after all, it was close to fruition.

Things are peaceful as of late, and hopefully will stay this way. Waiting for summer to arrive so that life can be lived more. Today is a hot day, 80 degrees and it is only April. Rumors going around about the weather being in the 70s all the way up to summer. Well this would be very good news. Last Spring was cold, and the beginning of summer wasn’t so hot.

Eagerly awaiting the coming months so that school can finally be paid off once and for all…but if I go back to graduate school, more and higher debt will be accumulated. Hopefully it would be the right decision…based on my own experiences. It’s just that I don’t see a way up without a graduate degree. Really wish this would have been done long ago and I didn’t listen to others. Although that means I would have never found a passion for it or met new people and have the good life experiences I have had. Everything does happen for a reason after all.

Well, more later. Enjoying the stillness and peace of this hot Spring day. Peace is so important. It always will be.