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Another day of boredom. Well, it’s really another day of being unproductive. When I am bored at home, or other places, I can always find something to do. When I am work and have few tasks to do, it is difficult to find activities to do. However, it has been decided that it will be productive to write. Why write? Because it is a skill that I have always wanted to keep up with; something special that cannot go to waste.

The state of the world continues to decline; domestically and abroad. It won’t be wise to speculate on what is going to happen; nothing is certain at this time. Yet people go about their daily lives. Why should we stop? We are too comfortably numb to everything. We know what is happening, yet, it is kept in the back of our minds. Some choose to ignore it completely, while others know that it is there and that perhaps, if they carry on with life, it will dissipate.

Why is this country running itself to the ground? Why is this world burning itself out? The ego of men has become too great, that they are willing to destroy the world to achieve success. How can one be successful in a world with nobody in it?

I continue to struggle with the decision of going to graduate school. It seems, with everything that is happening, that it is simply not worth it in the long run. The investment that I am going to receive is not going to be justified, in fact, it will not even be an investment. At this stage of life, it sounds like an absolutely nuisance. Higher loans, higher interest rates, and a lack of an adequate salary increase is not going to inspire or motivate anyone to go back to school. For school is only necessary for people who want to perform certain types of duties; very specific jobs that require the expertise and knowledge of an area of study in order to be completed successfully. My job requires no degree, in all its reality. Anyone could be trained to perform the tasks that I perform, whether they possess a degree or not. The sad reality is that yes, perhaps I, like millions, was scammed into thinking that it was necessary to go to school in order to obtain a “successful” job. But what is a successful job if one is still struggling to pay for the bare necessities? I looked at my credit card account last night, and I was not happy with what I saw. There may have been a few (and just a few) luxury transactions, but they were not of an astronomical account. What truly added up, and quickly, were the essential purchases.
So the cost of living goes up, and the salaries remain the same. It is through this process that the middle class is going to disappear in this “great” country, and there will be nothing left but a struggling class and the wealthy.

The holiday seasons is approaching, and feelings of sadness, anxiety, and melancholy have begun to take over. Despite everything that is happening in the world, and in life, it’s also important to find sometime to water our minds with positive thoughts and imagery. Yes, this is a difficult task, but it is not impossible to achieve. It is very much like trying to write an entry when there isn’t much to say; or when one truly feels that they have written about every single thought and event that occurs in daily life. However, I made a promise to continue writing, no matter what. It cannot be given up. That would be doing a disservice to ourselves, the world, and anyone that could benefit or become inspired by the words found on these writings. It is simple for me to write once I begin, the struggle occurs in the beginning, when my mind is attempting to formulate the main idea of what the paragraphs are going to be about. However, most of these entries are in a narrative format, and the subjects change, with transition, as my thoughts change. Perhaps my brain has a “To do” list, which are the thoughts of the hour, of the moment, that must manifest themselves into words written on a screen.

I have been thinking about starting a blog, however, the process is completely unknown to me. I am also not sure if people would want to read what I write. I am certain that some people could benefit from these words. The question comes down to what type of subjects do I want to write about?

Lately, there is a sense of wanting to do something greater with my life. It’s not that I am completely unhappy, but there is a longing of needing to go above and beyond what is being done at this moment, to achieve something greater than the current work that I am performing. It is one of the most frustrating and soul clenching feelings one could experience, but the positive side of things is that it is an indication of acknowledging that one wants to do better and be better. The journey has to continue, for various reasons, of that I am certain. I am not sure of where it is going to take me. All I pray for is a solution to the uncertainty. It must come from within; I am fully aware. The only ingredient that is missing is a catalyst.

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Today, tonight, is a day that I’ve been looking forward to, for four and half years. Tonight, November 21st, 2017, as of 6:15pm, Eastern Standard Time, the war is over. I am debt free from the iron claws of the Department of Education. The unbelievable sacrifices that have been made to achieve this personal goal tonight, are unheard of. I have done so many things since this financial conflict started to get by. Retailing, dull research projects, cleaning after people, taking care of the mentally ill, enduring the torturous stress of unbearable superiors, and enduring a thousand storms of personal depression. Tonight, the ghosts in the corridors of yesteryears have vanished. No more wasting of our income to satisfy the interest rates of a system that steals from the unsuspecting, the ignorant, the uneducated on financial matters. The College system and Department of Education of this country are nothing more than profit making thieves. They are liars, bandits, frauds, embarrassments, manipulators, gangsters, corrupted thieves.

There were many nights, many late nights, that my mind took advantage of me to create misery and grief. There were many nights that I wondered how I would make it through, moments when I proclaimed that the only way out of this aberration was to die. Tonight, I have proved the naysayers wrong. Tonight, I have proved the loser deep inside of me wrong. Tonight, I have proved myself wrong. There is nothing stronger than determination, hope, and an infinite quantum of patience. Gone are the days of wondering if I would be that elderly man, being haunted by debt callers, having my income deducted to pay for loans, worrying about being incarcerated or hunted like a wild animal.

Tonight is a victory for the many people that have woken up, and decided to reject the system which teaches society that in order to succeed in life, one must go to a traditional school and become indebted. Tonight is a victory that I dedicate to millions around the country and perhaps the globe, whom are still struggling to find a way to pay back monstrous loan amounts to the institutions that promised them a sanctuary but delivered them into the ninth circle of hell. I may not know your circumstances, I may not know your personal stories, but I can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All you have to do is believe and have patience. There is a way out of every situation, as long as you believe in your heart that you can find a way to get out. Never give up the fight. Never give up the struggle. Never give up on trying to find a way to tell the corrupt system that you will not falter, and that you will fight back with every single cell in your body to obtain this freedom.

Gone are the days where people believed that studying hard, obtaining good grades, and continuing education for 4 or 8 more years will bring you success. This system is crumbling, people are waking up. The debt ceiling will have no limit, as it will continue to pile up with the debts of millions that are unable to pay back. People are abandoning the old ideas of going to school to become indebted with degrees that will not lead to success. It is time to think outside of the box. It is time to put everything you know behind, and listen to the minds of those who know the truth and see it for what it is. The society that we are living in is a fraud. It is a lie; everything you have been told is deceit. The powers that be are keeping people below their means in order to succeed.

Today’s historic occurrence would not have been possible without the support of my family. It would not have been possible for me to continue moving forward without their unconditional love. Perhaps this may not be the case for many others, but the tools to help you are out there; believe me. Believe in yourself. Believe that there is a way out of this situation and utilize as many resources as possible. Dig deeper; do not follow traditional paths, for they will only lead you into the edge of the abyss.

I may not know what the future holds, and perhaps nobody does know what is going to happen. But the one thing that I know, which is clear, is that I have eradicated this debt by myself. This is one of my greatest personal achievements of all time, and I will remember this day for as long as I live. The inspiration and relief that I feel at this moment cannot be replaced or matched by anything else. There is no greater satisfaction than to know that I will no longer be exploited by those who are meant to help me. So wake up, find strength, even in the smallest of things, fight your fight, pave your future, and end your war.

Today I authorized the final payment on the student loans. And to celebrate the beginning of a new era, I slipped under the cover of darkness, to a private meeting. This is the type of meeting that I have been needing for years. I may even declare that it has been needed for more than a decade. All of my questions will be answered, and I will learn about myself in the process. The group of individuals in charge of this organization know that there are traps set by society to ensure that millions are enslaved to debt. The hope is that everything will be revealed.
When I recall the days of going to college, I was never sure on what to do. I considered leaving multiple times, and changed my plan of study constantly because nothing satisfied me. When I graduated, the age of uncertainty began. This was a continuation of the failure that society continues to propagate on its people. Nobody told me what to do next. All the advisors said was that people who graduated from high school, and went to college would be sure to find jobs. These basic statements did not serve as guidance. What schools need is people that are going to teach students other aspects of life. Mortgages, rent, loan repayment, job searching, allocation of assets, and many other essential pieces of life that are not taught to anyone during school.
Some may say that perhaps it is the parents that are supposed to be of assistance. This may be, but it is not always happening in all of these cases. My parents were of no use, not because they didn’t want to be, but perhaps because they never thought about teaching me the basic essentials of the post graduate life. And yet, perhaps, we were only victims of living in a completely different country from where we came from. For things are done differently here, and no job will fall from the skies that easily. Come to think of it, one of my first post graduate jobs came from the sky! The irony.
Given my past, and current situation, I do not think that going to graduate school is the answer. The evidence is clear; when people ask me what I am going to be doing with my graduate degree, I have no clear answer. I may say that it would be desirable to work in a hospital setting, or for a corporation to ensure that they are following through with their social responsibilities. However, it would send me back into debt, and I don’t speak of these occupations with high regard or with passion. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life listening to grief and being under paid?
For many years, we have always believed that we are meant for something greater. I am not falling for the trap that logotherapy explains in regards to individual humans having a feeling that they must be special. Quite the contrary! It’s not that I believe, it’s that I KNOW that I am meant for something much greater than what I am doing now. There are big things in life that are waiting for me. The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place, slowly, but time is of the essence. Things have to be done quickly. Imagine; going back to school for 3 years is going to cause all types of delays. But the most important delay, is that of finances. I have not fought this financial war for years, sacrificing independence, only to fall back into another conflict. It is something that cannot occur. There must be a way, there has to be a way to be successful without going back to graduate school. With the way that this country is being run (which is another topic for a different time), there are no guarantees. There are only guarantees for the rich. Going back to school during these perilous times is not opportune. When the government is actively waging a war against the middle and poor classes, putting oneself in debt would not be wise.
So for now, there are many other options that are waiting to be explored. These options are going to be discovered. Today, I did what I had to do; sold myself in order to be a part of something that is only going to be of extreme importance. This opportunity is not something that happens frequently, therefore, I plan to utilize it to the best of my ability and to take advantage of every single step of the way. There are no excuses; hard work will pay off.

For now, we await the final processing of this payment to be effective. None of this will be missed; these vampires will not be taking any more of my money in interests. Let this end once and for all.

Another end to the work week, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Being back from vacation is always depressing, so I was not sure what was in store for me. Luckily, it was nothing that was terrible. I still have to come up with a strategy for needy people. I have to continue to try and be tougher, and develop methods to be firm. I think that I have come a long way.

The “catastrophic” storm is making a direct hit down south after midnight tomorrow. Those poor people. Not all of my family was able to evacuate. I guess that this is the price that one must pay for living in paradise. Yet again, I do enjoy the region of the country that I live in. I have to say that it is unique and exquisite in its own way. Tomorrow, I plan a hike. It has been quite sometime since this happened, so I have to ensure that I make the best of it. The weather will be nor warm nor cool, just right. I hope for no rain.

K had a miscarriage and nearly died. It is…beyond words to think about this. Just weeks ago, I was randomly thinking of what would happen if she died. That thought just randomly crossed my mind. It was not something that I was expecting or planning; it was just a passing thought, like most of my thoughts. Or most of our human thoughts anyway. I think that the world is going through a difficult era at the present moment, and the thought of day may be more present in our minds than usual. I don’t fear it.

In any case, I am so close to eradicating my debt. And speaking of debt, a gigantic data breach was announced. The spineless, soulless pigs made assurances to themselves before announcing it to the world. What can we expect in this disgusting world we are living it? And people ask me why I hate people! There is your answer. I know that not everyone is bad, but I can say, for certain, that I despise other humans! I want to go away, far away in the mountains, But the curious thing is that we need social interactions to survive. So this is why I have very few friends, whom I have kept very close through the years. And I shall continue to do so. It is essential. The sad reality is that good people are hard to come by…genuine people are a rare gift. We have to treasure them.

The world will continue to spiral downward. But we will continue life, as if nothing was happening. As Lana del Rey sings, “When the world was at war before, we just kept dancing. And we’ll do it again.”

I guess nobody has been reading these anymore in the past few weeks; but that is not the intent of these anyway. Who knows if they ever DID read them in the past.

It’s another week night and another day of wondering what direction my life is taking. I think that my relationship has taken a turn for the interesting “worse” if that’s even the right word I am using. He is a very good boyfriend, but I think that as a person, he does have a lot of things that he needs to work on. We all do, but I suspect that maybe he has some type of personality disorder. Then again, aren’t we all sick with weirdness? But in all seriousness, his type of personality is very different from mine. Is that something that I can deal with in the long run? I have learned a lot about myself, about life, and about relationships during the duration of this romance. Is it time to let go and find someone that is more suitable?
The most frustrating part is that basically, the last 6 or 8 years have been spent trying to connect with decent men, and nothing has been long term and successful. Yes, maybe it did not help that sex apps and websites were being used to meet these people, but it is sad to believe that not a single man has stuck around long enough for it to be called a genuine friendship. Forget relationships, not even a friendship has resulted from this. And then, the last year and a half was spent trying to also find someone interesting. Yes, I was looking in the wrong place, but even the men that were very similar to me in terms of hobbies, interests, and personality did not work out. Is that only because they wanted to have sex? Is it only because, after seeing that I wanted something deeper, it was not what they wanted? And yet, the person that I connected with instantly is very different from me. He does not see life 100% the same way as I do, and maybe nobody ever should see life 100% of the same way that someone else does. But still, it would be a lot easier if that percentage was that of a healthy amount.

I used to be very jaded, and maybe I still am on certain things. It’s easier to live in La La land and pretend that everything is going very well. And maybe things are going much better than they used to, but that perfection and idealism that everyone strives for is never going to come. Maybe going on vacation with him is going to be the last frontier; the last test to see if things will truly last. Some say that a year is a good trial period for any relationship. After the year goes by, the people involved start to ask themselves if this is something that they would be wanting to do for the long term. As of now, it kills me to say that there is a slight chance that this is not the relationship for me. It makes me angry to think about all of the men that I have met, all of the fiascos, drama, unpleasant moments, and nonsense that has been dealt with….and finally, along comes somebody that seems to understand and pick up on the qualities that I have identified as repelling many others in the past. So why is he still here? Why, after many times of saying otherwise, is he still staying? Maybe he suffers from what we all suffer from; thinking that this could be it, not wanting to be lonely…thinking that maybe there is nobody else out there for them. I admit that finding somebody with a good head on their shoulders is extremely difficult. Yes. Some say that it is the state that we are living in, but reports have revealed that others feel the same way out of state. So what else is there to seek? It is amazing to me that many men would act shocked at the revelation that I have a full time job and a car. But isn’t that a given? Isn’t that something that every sane, level person that has a vision for their life want? So many lost souls in this sea of darkness, and so much drug use taking place. It is very sad.

Anyway. There is a staff picnic tomorrow that is going to help me get my mind off of things. Today, a conference that got out early, so it was a nice break from the office. All I have is Friday and then the weekend. And the following week, I have to get through two days and then vacation.

But speaking of vacation, M has revealed some family tragedies and that it might disrupt the time that was planned. Prayers and thoughts to the family going through a difficult time. And when I say prayers, I do not mean religious prayers, but hopes of good will and fortune for a favorable outcome.

I saw SE yesterday; they say that there are about 3 weeks left before the end. But the caretakers think otherwise; much more time left. Still, it was a difficult visit. Not as difficult as initially predicted, but tough enough. It was hard to see a hospital bed in the room, and it was sad not to get a reaction after a “Hello” or the calling of a name. So this is how it all ends; devoid of reality, in a blissful sleep, awaiting the end. What else is there to do? I try my best not to think about these things, because they could trigger some thoughts that relate to the existential crisis of last year. That is not a good place to be in, and I do not want to go back to that place again. I worry immensely for future losses.

And today, there was some light depression in my head. A sense of not knowing what to do with my life. A sense of not knowing what to do and where to move to if my relationship ends. Make no mistake; I will be devastated if it does end, but life is much better if one seeks the meaning behind everything, as long as it is not causing madness.

I am a human, and like the rest of the world, I have no idea what I am doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow marks a week since I went to Vermont. It was a truly magnificent experience; I haven’t been since June of last year. The way of life up there is much more different than it is here. Everything is slower…people seem to be nicer, happier, and relaxed. Of course, that is not the way that things are in this dump. People are miserable, pathetic, and disgusting. Sad. But I won’t let that ruin me. Going to Vermont is like going to a whole other world. I wish that it was eternal summer…I would pack everything and move up there. Yes, I would be willing to leave my life behind and start new. The only problem is that I could not survive the Winters there. I already struggle with our mild Winters. And speaking of seasons, summer is coming to an end soon and I am already feeling dreadful about it. It was not long enough and it was gone much too soon…like everything in life. I am not going to get into that.

I continue to read my diary entries from yesteryears and I am so amazed at the transformations that I have gone through. Even though I am not finished yet (and I will be very sad when I do, these are just amazing and put a lot into perspective), I can see how far I have come. I can see how much my mind has changed. Today, I can say that for once, maybe since I was a child, I am very happy with my life. There are things that have not yet been achieved (moving out of state, living alone, paying off debt, etc.), but we are close to being debt free, and that will transition us into moving out in the coming months. Change is possible, and for me, things did get better. I realize that this is not the case for a lot of people. I remember asking: “How do you know that it gets better? You don’t know.”  And yes, we might not actually know that it gets better. Maybe that saying is for people whose lives DID get better, so they are allowed to tell others “It gets better,” but what they are really trying to say is, “It got better for me, so there is a possibility that it might get better for you.” I am one of the few lucky ones whose life really did get better. I count my blessings each and every single day. I am thankful for all of the positive changes and the stability that life has brought to me in the last year or so. Finally, finally, I can look back to these older diary entries and feel a sense of security, feel a sense of relief, that all of that pain, torture, and depression is so far away, that I am not able to see it in the rearview mirror. It’s like the giant mountain that slowly disappears out of view, so you shift your eyes and look forward, because there is nowhere else to look but ahead. I really am happy that this is how my life is turning out so far. Yes- there will be times of struggle and hardship; that is inevitable. But in the great scheme of life, there is nothing that I can complain about. Thank you life for all of the abundance. I am overjoyed. Positive changes are very possible, and for me, yes, it got better.

I am glad the week is over. It was busy and a little stressful at times, but we managed. I am also thankful that there is no more tension in my relationship. I had to cut J out completely because after stating that boundaries had to be respected, the message did not truly resonate, and so, I was left with no choice. This was the only choice; it was the right decision. This is something that I should have done a very long time ago. My naive spirit got the best of me, and I confess that I did not think that this would be a problem. Had there been hindsight, none of this would have happened. Just know that there was no harm intended on my part; no malicious or ill will plans. This was truly an honest mistake; which was accepted as being on our part, and it will provide a great and significant opportunity for self growth. It is better to learn about this now than to learn it later on in life. Yes, that is what life is all about, for some, learning lessons. But these lessons can only be learned through mistakes. The only downside is that my partner had to suffer and felt hurt by these mistakes. The positive side of this story is that this will never happen again, and that it is finally behind us both. Everything truly does happen for a reason, and if life dictated that J had to leave forever, then I accept what life has to teach me. It is important to always be open to change. It is important to embrace our errors, mistakes, mishaps, and to learn from them. It is pointless to beat ourselves up and focus on the feelings of dread that they might cause. What we need to do, and what we should have done a long time ago, is to take these mistakes and only focus on the positive, and on what each of these had to teach us. That way, they would not be committed again.

Not much going on this weekend. I am still struggling with the fact that my partner is not as active as I am. Everything else has finally fallen into place, and I truly feel that all of our hurdles are finally behind us. But at the end of the day, this is something that I cannot simply ignore. It bothers me, and I am trying to come around so that it does not bother me. Something can fix this, right? I do believe that there are solutions to these type of things. I am trying to find out how to exactly handle this situation…and the hope is that it can somehow be resolved. The best thing is to avoid conflict. However, at the end of the day, a part of me feels disappointed. Reading through these past entries, through the years, there is a common theme (among many), and that is to find something to have a connection with. The greatest irony of all, is that I have met men in the past that had very similar interests to mine, but there was never a true connection there. Perhaps with only two, but I drove them away. And still, the circumstances of life back then would not have allowed the relationship to work out. And now that I made an instant connection to someone, which has resulted into my first adult relationship, there are “problems” because he practically does not like to do anything. Only time will tell what is going to happen. I know that I would be devastated if things came to an end, but as my wise friend said to me recently, “Opposites attract, but do they stay together?”

Today was just a really busy day full of the usual bullshit. And honestly the project coordinator is a stupid bitch. She has no idea how to do anything and is a complete flop; a waste of space and time. It’s hard to believe that people like that were the sperm cells that beat the others. Which just makes me think that everything is random…but I still like  to find meaning in things. I guess.

Nothing from my brother nor do I expect to hear from him for a long time. He is away at honeymoon and his phone broke. That’s fine; I honestly don’t really want to hear from him for a long time after experiencing the wedding of hell.

The weather is cold, and summer is coming to an end soon. Sad. A short and lukewarm summer. It was not as exciting as people were saying it was going to be and to be honest we were so busy with work and dealing with awful weekend weather that not much was done. There are a few final things in August, and I am going to Vermont on Saturday, with or without people!

In any case, I am going to resume reading some of my entries tonight, but I have to take my time with it because part of me really does not want them to end, although I know they will.

I want it to be Friday already…I am looking forward to Vermont.

Today the nazi president continued its assault on the most vulnerable of the country. I am disgusted but not surprised anymore; nothing surprises me anymore. This country is filled with scum. Nothing but scum full of hate. Pray for those lost souls, may they find peace one day.

I really wish I could have a country home. Away from people and in the quiet of the woods.

But until later.

I am back after experiencing the horrors of the midwest. A desolate land this state of Wisconsin is. You could not pay my entire plane ticket and stay to go back, you simply can’t. No force on heaven or hell could get me back to that god forsaken land of flat misery.

The wedding was a disaster. The bride, ugly, of course. The guests were mostly simple ignorant white trash people from the midwest; no sense of fashion or style. The deplorables; whom I am sure voted for the tyrant in the white house. The food was cheap mexican and our table barely touched it. We managed to sneak in some chicken tenders and french fries. There was only one table of family for my brother, and the rest were the bride of hell’s family and friends. This was the most deplorable experience I have ever had in a while. Lots of judgmental stares from people to my boyfriend and I. Sick.
And the bride’s brother was a complete nazi, blonde hair and blue eyes included. What a sick, sad, psychopathic man. Never again in my life will I have contact with him. Never again in my life will I go to the midwest, unless it is Chicago of course. I regret to tell my brother that (god forbid) if he has any children and moves there, you can tell them that they have no uncle!

My mother was treated with the utmost disrespect by the bridezilla (which by the way, had a terrible case of acne in her back. Disgusting), and some of her family members as well. We predict that we will lose my brother to the basket of deplorables from the midwest. Maybe this is some cruel karma that is happening, but maybe it is just misfortune. Either way, I have no plans to be a part of their life. Nothing can make me be a part of their nasty marriage. None! This all may sound judgmental, but they have not been angels to us either. I am disgusted that this ugly cow face has my last name. It is a disgrace, and my brother has brought irreparable shame to the family name forever. In my life did I think that I would be going to Wisconsin to celebrate this rotten marriage. Well, some may say that I am not allowed to be judgmental because of my sexuality, but let’s all be clear on one thing: being gay is natural, it is not a choice. Marrying an ugly deplorable racist from the midwest who does not know what Chanel is and has a nose in the shape of a potato IS most definitely a choice.

We were told by one of my brother’s close friends (who was there from the beginning of their relationship up to now) that she has a questionable past of hate and racism. I was shocked to hear this. Well, no matter. You get what you pay for, as they say! Karma will one day come, sooner or later, in the form that life decides.

As for my relationship and I, a lot was suffered during this entire ordeal. We are so happy that this is all over, but it has left long lasting effects on us. We are trying our best to move past all of this. Last week was the most draining week of my entire life, and I am so happy it is over. But an omen; a feeling of despair lingers in the air. I have a very dark and bad feeling about this. The dark clouds gather once more. I am not sure what is going to happen, but I am willing to complete cut off contact with my brother. This will not teach him a lesson, because he is going to choose her and her family over us. But, at the end of the day, life will have its say and will find a way to rectify the wrong. To purify the tainted. But time will only tell if this is going to occur. Until then, all we can do is continue to plant seeds of success and take advantage of any situation that may present itself to us. This is a very painful journey, a journey of incredible injustice. There is no god in the sky to correct the wrong, but there is the energy of the Universe that will cycle itself through the evil and wrong. A cycle that could take many years to complete itself, but will occur nevertheless.

Still, I find myself in a nightmare that I don’t think there is waking up from. I only pray for the best outcome that could possibly happen. I think that at this point, I am going to completely isolate myself from my brother and that sick beast he just married. If there was ever a time when I understood how marriages can ruin families, this is the time indeed. I will say that both sides are at fault, but at the end of the day, it is still all a great injustice. A sick injustice that I only pray can see itself to a resolution that is favorable. Still, I am not optimistic. I fear that things may only get worse from this point on. I pray that I am wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I decided to go out last night after all…and I got home around 3:30 in the morning. After four drinks and 2 shots (or many 3) the night was made. I think I would have regretted it if I didn’t go. And on a random side note, on Thursday I saw license plates from the following states:

Hawaii, California, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Texas, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia, Oklahoma, New Jersey, Maine, Arizona, and Maryland…
Just wanted to include that for the record. I thought it was interesting to see all of those in just one day. I’m sure not many people can say that…or can they?

The wedding drama is over and I could not be any happier. I hope that it is over for good. The even is in one week and I know that it is going to be a very long day, but I hope that it just goes by really fast.

I am returning to the office July 24th (out for training and flying out on Friday) and will have two small vacations in August.

The move that I made against my student loans did pay off, so I made another, even bigger move to try to get this done as soon as I can. I know that everything is finally starting to fall in place. I cannot be home any longer…I have to be out as soon as possible. I do worry, at times, about finding a decent place. And my mind starts to think about the things that could “go wrong”, like having problematic people around where I live or the noise level, etc. All of those things. But I know that I can’t really worry about it.

But anyway, everything else seems to be fine at the moment. I am glad that things are slowly starting to just get settled now. Here is hoping that they continue to be that way for a long time. Finally emerging out of a very long and draining storm. I have not had any time to continue reading my previous journal entries. I think that maybe I will try to make some time to do it tomorrow in the evening before starting another week. A week of routine.
Was not able to go the gym a lot this week, only about two times. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Yes, I think I will briefly go tomorrow to say that I went 3 times. And I also have to remember to meet my quota so that my insurance can pay for it every other 6 months.

Spending continues to be an issue, I just have no idea how money can add up so much in such short time. That’s another one of my worries for when I move out. I will practically have to spend nothing except for the bare necessities and then see if I have anything left over. That’s how it is though, isn’t it? So I might as well enjoy these last few months of “financial freedom” while I still can, because I know that when I do leave, things are going to be much harder.

Until later.

What can I even say about today? How can I even try to put into words the torrent of fuckery that ensued on this humid summer day?

I found out that my boyfriend would not be allowed to sit with me for dinner during the reception at my brother’s wedding. And what for? We were told in the beginning by him that it would not be a problem, and that we would be sitting together the entire time. I wrote a thoughtful and honest message to him stating my grievances, but reminding him that I loved him and supported what made him happy no matter what. And can you believe that he responded saying he “understood” my concerns but that it was tradition not to have dates at the wedding party table? So I asked people who were married if this was the case, and they said that it was not! This is all another work of art perpetrated by his fiancé. Yes. R confirmed this for me after I told her what was happening. She knows little of the situation itself but was quick to give me that conclusion. And my boyfriend agreed too. Tomorrow I speak with E and will tell her…will not be surprised if she agrees and says the same thing! But leave it to the jesus freaks to be judgmental. She does not want a gay couple to be seen in photos of her special day. Well fuck her special day, and fuck that wedding. I spent an ungodly sum in traveling expenses when it could have been used to moving out. But it all went down the train to appease their selfishness. She can expect zero contact from me after this entire travesty is over with. To think that I was certain she had extended an olive branch by sending thank you cards for wedding gift and liking some of my photographs. I am such an imbecile for planning to extend it back and make peace with her. Well this was the last straw for me. I recognize that I am at guilt for not making an effort to get to know her and giving her a very cold shoulder, but one would think that since she is such a “sweet” catholic girl, that she would be the better person. Well let me laugh at anyone who thinks that. Fake. All fake it seems. Sad. The entire day was spent in conversation with my brother and my boyfriend about this subject and I nearly had a panic attack. I had no choice and went outside to walk and breathe fresh air. The conversation is still going on as I write this!

On top of that, I was ready to strangle my client today for her deplorable behavior. It is not my fault they are experiencing poverty. Do not dare to come at me and tell me how easy it is to get a paycheck when all I am doing is trying to help. Some poor people can be very bitter. None of this is my fault! I did not choose to have kids and be with a loser! I went to school, took out loans on my name, and traversed through hell to obtain my degree, which by the way, is not making me rich. So what is her grievance about? I will continue to be nothing but direct with her because I have to present myself as a person that plays no games. And I don’t!
It has been so busy that I barely had time for anything. I actually worked nearly 8 hours today; the thought of that! I could have had a heart attack from all the nonsense that happened. But the gym and eating helped. Much. I cannot smoke because it is affecting intimacy and I don’t want none of that. I do feel bad for lying about it, but at least it is not a major lie or infidelity. I would never in my life resort to that. Disloyalty! Never. But the stress is also partly to blame for this. I just can’t focus and have no energy to perform. I rather sleep.

I cannot wait for this week to be over…I cannot wait for next week to also be over. Once the wedding is done, I can focus on the real issues at hand. Tomorrow I find out how the sudden move I made yesterday results in. I just feel suspended in the air, floating by and not having any clear idea of what is going to happen. I had the urge to rage today, to scream and scream to let out all of the anger, but it just did not come out. It was channeled in a different way. Maybe this is just for the best as of now.

 

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