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Another day gone by. Was busy at work so at least that kept me happy. I am now dealing with another crazy that talks too much…but really, poor broken souls. Yet they continue to believe in god and have faith…despite all the horrors they have been through. I think that certainly speaks for itself; perhaps this is what true faith is about. I leave those problems in their living room tables; after all, they are not my problems. I only help navigate through them. I do love my job, I am lucky to say so. I know what it is like to have a job you hate. One of the worst feelings.

I continued to obsess over political news today. I know that it is not good for me, but the obsession wouldn’t stop. I’m just in disbelief about the things that are happening in this country right now. These so called leaders are so blatantly hateful and ignorant…and people still vote for them. What is happening to the world? What fucked up reality is this? I have to develop a plan to truly stay away from everything. I can’t carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, nobody can. I already deal with enough at work. And speaking of burden, I was thinking about my life earlier today. I have to be thankful because I have a relatively easy life. I am free of major stressors and at least have a quality of life where I am. When I think about moving out soon, in the next 6 months or so, I know that it will be a struggle. This is why proper arrangements have to be made.

The weather is finally cooperating and today is the first day of summer. I think that a trip to the beach on Saturday is going to rejuvenate me so much. Yes.

For now, I have to think about the plan that is going to be developed and put in place to avoid the outside world. I have said this many times, but it is the only way to preserve the little bit of peace and sanity that we have left. “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” I am going to live by this motto for as long as I can.

We are living an aberration in this country where politicians are destroying the lives of millions of people. I’m so tired of the hate and ignorance. But my sincere hope is this: I hope that every single person who supports hate and doesn’t think that anything is going to happen to them gets everything taken away from them. I don’t care. I hope you lose your health care and your livelihood. You are playing yourself and your fellow country men. I am so disgusted to be a part of this sickening world. You would think that after everything that has happened in such short time, people would wake up, but they continue not go. So, in the long run, when the economy is destroyed and your services taken away, you will not have any other person to blame but yourself. So fuck every single person that votes for ignorance and hate. I hope that you, your children, and grandchildren pay the price, like the rest of us do. But don’t get too comfortable. Enjoy this brief moment while you can, because the majority of the world is laughing at you. And when things change, and things will change, because nothing is forever, then you will be at the receiving end of defeat. This is inevitable.

So fuck this country right now, and every single person that has brought on this disgrace of a government and nightmare for the rest of us. But don’t worry, you will also suffer with the policies that only benefit the 1% of the petty billionaire class. You are too ignorant and blind to see. Too fucking stupid. It’s beyond any words. So I’ll leave it at that. We are laughing at you too.

K asked for FROYO today but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’m going to the gym this evening and needed time to relax after dinner. Also, there is a rainstorm pelting everything right now and some thunder. So I guess Wednesday is the first official day of summer? But who the hell cares? Who the hell made up these imaginary days and rules? The weather hasn’t been cooperating anyways.

I’ve spend the last two days reading the old entries from this blog, most of it which is private. It has to stay private to protect some identities, but as I have mentioned before, it is genius writing. Maybe it can be published as a small memoir one day…without editing. It has to be raw in order to serve its purpose.

I went along a small joy ride today after a work meeting to the country. It was so beautiful, and driving around the lake, seeing those big houses on the hills…how I really wish that was my life. Part of me really wants to stay in the country, but another part of me knows that this would be a lonely life for the most part. Today, I have come to truly realize that I never knew what I was doing with my life. I thought I did, but I really don’t. I don’t think that any of us do. Part of me wants to live in the country, part of me wants to ┬álive in the city outskirts…it’s all a mess. And I will never make enough money to lead the type of life that I want, so that’s another reason to be in a relationship.
And speaking of relationship, we finally broke out of the norm last night and went to a show. He said that I need to have thick skin in order to be with him, and that I should be able to call him out and put him in his place. Although when I have tried to do that, I am met with resistance. Well, I think that I should remind him of this then. He does have a big fortune coming in the future, so that is another advantage. Some days I want things to work out, and some days I am not sure that they will. But isn’t that what I longed for anyway? This whole time? Some one to accept me with all of my flaws? He has been the only one…so far anyway. I really don’t know what I am going to do, and hoping for the best without being proactive and working to improve the relationship isn’t exactly a good plan.

I received a thank you note from my brother’s finance regarding the present that I bough for their wedding. See you in July indeed. Some things stay the same, and some things change. But don’t they say that things are always changing? Well, as the song says, “The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.”

I am hoping that the next few weeks give me a break so I can travel to Vermont on a Saturday. The weather has been plotting against me. I don’t appreciate it one bit! We aren’t even allowed to have decent weather in this bankrupt state…people are leaving, businesses are leaving…what will there be in the end?

Saving up is taking forever. There is always something impeding meeting my goals. These 1000 dollar something credit card bills NEED to fucking stop. I even sold my iPad to make up for some of the costs. Yes, it was hard to part ways with it, it’s still strange that it is gone (all this sentiment for a piece of technology? A testament of how dumb we have gotten), but I will take any help that I can get at this point. I can’t wait to just pay off all of school…I haven’t been paying them anything for almost two months now. Why throw money away to interest? The biggest scam of it all is the entire University and loan system. I can’t fucking WAIT for the day that these loans are gone. July? August? When? I really hope to be done with this September the earliest, I can’t take it anymore. And after that, save up to try and attempt to find a decently priced apartment. I just wish I didn’t have to live in this place. I want to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years, but the older I grow , the more I realize how hard it actually is. I’ll leave it at that before I go into another mindless rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.

I’m over this fucking weather. It’s June and it’s been nothing but fucking garbage 60s and rain. So over living in this part of the country

B keeps boring me with his stupid shit. He broke up with his boyfriend and is being a fucking mess. All I want to do is tell him: “I don’t fucking care and go get your life.”
Even friends need a little check here and there. I’m all for not judging and listening to people when they have issus, but I just don’t fucking care. Maybe he will get the hint when I don’t reply as much.

My own relationship? I don’t even want to talk about that anymore. I’m so over it. If things get better, great. If not, great. Next.

Nothing else to update other than almost done with paying off school. Wondering how that will work. I’ll have to call them and see because I do not want to make any mistakes.

Started going back to the gym and will be serious about eating muscle building foods. Very exciting things.
Finished the wedding present for my brother’s wedding and all I have to do is buy the plane tickets next months. Can’t wait for this to be over. It has been nothing but nonsense from the beginning. A very awkward situation for everyone, it feels.

Started smoking weed again. It helps with relaxation. I will have to research and see what weed is better for my anxiety…I should do that right away and book mark a few to see if they are available.
Going grocery shopping tomorrow for all the foods that I need to be healthy and build some muscle mass. Nothing too crazy.

Well more later I guess. Hope that things look up and continue to be better. I am thankful for the life that I have.

It’s important to always remember and never forget that we must never worry about the things that we cannot control. This is something that is often forgotten about during daily life because of getting caught up in all of the insignificant details.

If something is meant to work out, it will simply find a way to work out along with the effort of those who want it so. Otherwise, it is important to simply move on until everything eventually falls into place. For a lot of us, everything is going to fall into place. And if things don’t, we have no choice but to accept reality for what it is.

I will continue to have a relaxing weekend and count the blessings, as should you all.

More later, of course.

Things are taking a turn down the “What is happening?” lane. Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while…and the weekends? It’s very painful to recall the events. My boyfriend and I nearly broke up…and I felt so much pain and hurt…emotions that I hadn’t felt since my friend passed away last Valentine’s day. Fortunately, we were able to resolve our isues. Still, it was stressful and not pleasant.

Snow has finally begun to fall as it should during winter…although, we still have been having a “dry” season for a lack of better word. No matter how much I may detest the cold, I will never cease to enjoy the wintry sceneries after snow falls. Last night, after getting home, I stood outside for quite some time admiring the peace, stillness, and calm. Small snowflakes began to fall, and I deeply admired the white landscape in the cold, dark night. Moments such as these are precious and at times, rare. The hustle and bustle of life continues, but one must make sure to find oneself immersed in these moments of complete calm and stillness. That is one of the very few escapes that we have left from the turmoil of the world.

There is a rule that I have always put in place for myself: Never go back to previous jobs. Yet, here I find myself going for a meeting next Friday to plead my case and hope that they take me back. The situation at my current job has become unbearable. Hostile supervisors, unhappy co-workers, unrealistic expectations, broken operation systems, and maniacal agency leaders. This is not a place where I am going to be happy. Sure, I was not 100% happy at my previous job (are we ever?), but in contrast, it was a much better fit for me. The life and work balance was an aspect that I took for granted. I am going to do everything possible to make sure that they take me back. Wondering down the road of any other possibility is certainly not an option, and will not be considered.

This weekend is going to be my escape from the hell that is endured during the work week. But soon, it will be different…and so I pray. I continue to learn about life and people as I get older.

I did not go to my friend’s memorial. I suspect that my friend is highly annoyed with my decision not to go…but I stand by this decision and it was the best course of action. I did not want to relive any memories after having had a difficult week; and that is my right. I have not heard from her for an entire week. Some are saying that this is not a true friend. I concur; and so do my dreams. Last night, a dream took place in which a heated telephone call between us took place. It seemed very real…perhaps a projection of the future? Nevertheless, I will wait for contact.

Eagerly awaiting the end of the month; will be back to steady financial gains and no significant debts to be paid. After that, it should be a smooth journey into Spring, Summer, and to achieve my goals of eradicating debt completely from my name. The future looks exciting, but as always, uncertain.

Decided not to write a year in review entry. It was a terrible year and nothing good will come out of reliving all of its horror. No more mention of it, moving on.

Saving money has become an impossible task. It’s difficult to control spending…and this process is going to be delayed further. A final deadline has been set for September, to have enough saved up to finish loans and move into an apartment. The time has come, whether I like it or not. Feeling depressed at almost being 30 and not making enough money…the chance to complete mission life has given me has come and gone. It will never happen. So what now? What is the goal now that being wealthy will not happen? Traveling. I only work to get money, as S said, “We will never find a job we love, money is the main focus.” What a sad world. What a sad existence.

In any case, society continues to numb itself with day to day routines and cultures. No other goals this year besides getting rid of loans and attempting to live alone. Not even going to ask if it will be possible…just going to take a plunge and hope for the best. Isn’t that the only thing that we have? Hope? That’s what they tell us, anyway.

Work is extremely dull, so the task, for the moment, is to find something creative to do that is not work related and get paid for it. When the time comes to carry out the project, these lazy days will be yearned for. But at the same time, happiness will return because of being busy once more.

Some say that the end of the world is coming…with the change of command. Well, if it does, let it happen fast and painless. Not much else to be done.

Winter continues to berate everyone with its cruel cold. Nobody is happy about it…nor about the snow. Unsure of when the day will come, when I will no longer see or have to concern myself with the snow or the cold. Lately, the contemplation of moving into a rural state has crossed my mind…but I would be alone and life would radically change. The only place of choice would be Vermont. But, the winters are worse there…and my soul cannot take this weather. The worst of all…
So my partner wants to move to LA, but in a few years. Not going to take about this, as nothing in the future is certain. I could be dead tomorrow, and finally be released of all these complications. I have to hold back, because the promise was that there would be no more negativity this year.

The routine will continue, maybe a period of sacrifice will grant a lifetime of satisfaction. Here’s hoping…

The year is almost over…my annual reflection address will soon be written. Drama has already taken place at my new job, albeit insignificant. Humanity continues to implode…the barbarism in full force until the bitter end. The deplorable king will tale office soon; but I suspect a disastrous term. Perhaps this will be the last time that this is mentioned on this blog…unless a course altering event eliminates the mandate.

Winter is bitter and dark; the sun seldom makes an appearance. As the holidays fast approach, sentiments loom over the many changes that unfoled this year. I am doing my very best to accomodate all; and grace them with my presence (friends, family, and my significant other).

The plan for 2017: continue to save up as much as possible, and look for a place to live on my own after the Fall ends. This will allow for a substantial amount to be secured. They say that a good way to make life laugh is to make plans…but what else is there left to do? I try my best to stay occupied, to maintain my brain active…yoga and cognitive puzzles are a blessings. Further, there isn’t a single day that goes by in which music is not a part of daily life.

Sent a couple of holiday cards last week…gratitude has come back to knock on my door, and it will continue to do so, as long as it continues to be shared.

Let us be kind to one another, and remember that there are many across the world who have nobody, and have lost everything. Even if one may not be religious, let us pray and send our most pure and sincere positive energies to the many who are suffering. May they find a light at the end of the tunnel.

First day of orientation; long, but wonderful. Looking forward to what this agency has to offer.
Snow hit the ground this morning, all looked wonderful…but it has now since melted. They say winter will be dry and cold, but only time will tell.

The deplorable king continues to install petty billionares who have never struggled in their lives as cabinet members. These are the vermin that are going to destroy America. Impatience has taken over; would like to see, immediately, the deep regrets of the working and struggling class that cast their filthy votes for these swine.

Deleted the budget sheets compiled during summer…at this point, they are useless. They say that the best way to make the Universe laugh is to make plans. And so I shall not make plans. Things will be handled on a month to month basis, and financial plans will change.

Holidays will be here soon; presents are of the essence. This year, the discount stores will be seeing me! Anxiety looms; my boyfriend said the family we are spending part of Christmas eve is very wealthy. If any talks of politics ensue, it would bring extreme discomfort and awkwardness. How to deal with that situation? It will be necessary to ask him what their stances are. Enough about politics! So fed up…yet they persist, more than ever.

More nonsense later, as always.