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I guess nobody has been reading these anymore in the past few weeks; but that is not the intent of these anyway. Who knows if they ever DID read them in the past.

It’s another week night and another day of wondering what direction my life is taking. I think that my relationship has taken a turn for the interesting “worse” if that’s even the right word I am using. He is a very good boyfriend, but I think that as a person, he does have a lot of things that he needs to work on. We all do, but I suspect that maybe he has some type of personality disorder. Then again, aren’t we all sick with weirdness? But in all seriousness, his type of personality is very different from mine. Is that something that I can deal with in the long run? I have learned a lot about myself, about life, and about relationships during the duration of this romance. Is it time to let go and find someone that is more suitable?
The most frustrating part is that basically, the last 6 or 8 years have been spent trying to connect with decent men, and nothing has been long term and successful. Yes, maybe it did not help that sex apps and websites were being used to meet these people, but it is sad to believe that not a single man has stuck around long enough for it to be called a genuine friendship. Forget relationships, not even a friendship has resulted from this. And then, the last year and a half was spent trying to also find someone interesting. Yes, I was looking in the wrong place, but even the men that were very similar to me in terms of hobbies, interests, and personality did not work out. Is that only because they wanted to have sex? Is it only because, after seeing that I wanted something deeper, it was not what they wanted? And yet, the person that I connected with instantly is very different from me. He does not see life 100% the same way as I do, and maybe nobody ever should see life 100% of the same way that someone else does. But still, it would be a lot easier if that percentage was that of a healthy amount.

I used to be very jaded, and maybe I still am on certain things. It’s easier to live in La La land and pretend that everything is going very well. And maybe things are going much better than they used to, but that perfection and idealism that everyone strives for is never going to come. Maybe going on vacation with him is going to be the last frontier; the last test to see if things will truly last. Some say that a year is a good trial period for any relationship. After the year goes by, the people involved start to ask themselves if this is something that they would be wanting to do for the long term. As of now, it kills me to say that there is a slight chance that this is not the relationship for me. It makes me angry to think about all of the men that I have met, all of the fiascos, drama, unpleasant moments, and nonsense that has been dealt with….and finally, along comes somebody that seems to understand and pick up on the qualities that I have identified as repelling many others in the past. So why is he still here? Why, after many times of saying otherwise, is he still staying? Maybe he suffers from what we all suffer from; thinking that this could be it, not wanting to be lonely…thinking that maybe there is nobody else out there for them. I admit that finding somebody with a good head on their shoulders is extremely difficult. Yes. Some say that it is the state that we are living in, but reports have revealed that others feel the same way out of state. So what else is there to seek? It is amazing to me that many men would act shocked at the revelation that I have a full time job and a car. But isn’t that a given? Isn’t that something that every sane, level person that has a vision for their life want? So many lost souls in this sea of darkness, and so much drug use taking place. It is very sad.

Anyway. There is a staff picnic tomorrow that is going to help me get my mind off of things. Today, a conference that got out early, so it was a nice break from the office. All I have is Friday and then the weekend. And the following week, I have to get through two days and then vacation.

But speaking of vacation, M has revealed some family tragedies and that it might disrupt the time that was planned. Prayers and thoughts to the family going through a difficult time. And when I say prayers, I do not mean religious prayers, but hopes of good will and fortune for a favorable outcome.

I saw SE yesterday; they say that there are about 3 weeks left before the end. But the caretakers think otherwise; much more time left. Still, it was a difficult visit. Not as difficult as initially predicted, but tough enough. It was hard to see a hospital bed in the room, and it was sad not to get a reaction after a “Hello” or the calling of a name. So this is how it all ends; devoid of reality, in a blissful sleep, awaiting the end. What else is there to do? I try my best not to think about these things, because they could trigger some thoughts that relate to the existential crisis of last year. That is not a good place to be in, and I do not want to go back to that place again. I worry immensely for future losses.

And today, there was some light depression in my head. A sense of not knowing what to do with my life. A sense of not knowing what to do and where to move to if my relationship ends. Make no mistake; I will be devastated if it does end, but life is much better if one seeks the meaning behind everything, as long as it is not causing madness.

I am a human, and like the rest of the world, I have no idea what I am doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow marks a week since I went to Vermont. It was a truly magnificent experience; I haven’t been since June of last year. The way of life up there is much more different than it is here. Everything is slower…people seem to be nicer, happier, and relaxed. Of course, that is not the way that things are in this dump. People are miserable, pathetic, and disgusting. Sad. But I won’t let that ruin me. Going to Vermont is like going to a whole other world. I wish that it was eternal summer…I would pack everything and move up there. Yes, I would be willing to leave my life behind and start new. The only problem is that I could not survive the Winters there. I already struggle with our mild Winters. And speaking of seasons, summer is coming to an end soon and I am already feeling dreadful about it. It was not long enough and it was gone much too soon…like everything in life. I am not going to get into that.

I continue to read my diary entries from yesteryears and I am so amazed at the transformations that I have gone through. Even though I am not finished yet (and I will be very sad when I do, these are just amazing and put a lot into perspective), I can see how far I have come. I can see how much my mind has changed. Today, I can say that for once, maybe since I was a child, I am very happy with my life. There are things that have not yet been achieved (moving out of state, living alone, paying off debt, etc.), but we are close to being debt free, and that will transition us into moving out in the coming months. Change is possible, and for me, things did get better. I realize that this is not the case for a lot of people. I remember asking: “How do you know that it gets better? You don’t know.”  And yes, we might not actually know that it gets better. Maybe that saying is for people whose lives DID get better, so they are allowed to tell others “It gets better,” but what they are really trying to say is, “It got better for me, so there is a possibility that it might get better for you.” I am one of the few lucky ones whose life really did get better. I count my blessings each and every single day. I am thankful for all of the positive changes and the stability that life has brought to me in the last year or so. Finally, finally, I can look back to these older diary entries and feel a sense of security, feel a sense of relief, that all of that pain, torture, and depression is so far away, that I am not able to see it in the rearview mirror. It’s like the giant mountain that slowly disappears out of view, so you shift your eyes and look forward, because there is nowhere else to look but ahead. I really am happy that this is how my life is turning out so far. Yes- there will be times of struggle and hardship; that is inevitable. But in the great scheme of life, there is nothing that I can complain about. Thank you life for all of the abundance. I am overjoyed. Positive changes are very possible, and for me, yes, it got better.

I am glad the week is over. It was busy and a little stressful at times, but we managed. I am also thankful that there is no more tension in my relationship. I had to cut J out completely because after stating that boundaries had to be respected, the message did not truly resonate, and so, I was left with no choice. This was the only choice; it was the right decision. This is something that I should have done a very long time ago. My naive spirit got the best of me, and I confess that I did not think that this would be a problem. Had there been hindsight, none of this would have happened. Just know that there was no harm intended on my part; no malicious or ill will plans. This was truly an honest mistake; which was accepted as being on our part, and it will provide a great and significant opportunity for self growth. It is better to learn about this now than to learn it later on in life. Yes, that is what life is all about, for some, learning lessons. But these lessons can only be learned through mistakes. The only downside is that my partner had to suffer and felt hurt by these mistakes. The positive side of this story is that this will never happen again, and that it is finally behind us both. Everything truly does happen for a reason, and if life dictated that J had to leave forever, then I accept what life has to teach me. It is important to always be open to change. It is important to embrace our errors, mistakes, mishaps, and to learn from them. It is pointless to beat ourselves up and focus on the feelings of dread that they might cause. What we need to do, and what we should have done a long time ago, is to take these mistakes and only focus on the positive, and on what each of these had to teach us. That way, they would not be committed again.

Not much going on this weekend. I am still struggling with the fact that my partner is not as active as I am. Everything else has finally fallen into place, and I truly feel that all of our hurdles are finally behind us. But at the end of the day, this is something that I cannot simply ignore. It bothers me, and I am trying to come around so that it does not bother me. Something can fix this, right? I do believe that there are solutions to these type of things. I am trying to find out how to exactly handle this situation…and the hope is that it can somehow be resolved. The best thing is to avoid conflict. However, at the end of the day, a part of me feels disappointed. Reading through these past entries, through the years, there is a common theme (among many), and that is to find something to have a connection with. The greatest irony of all, is that I have met men in the past that had very similar interests to mine, but there was never a true connection there. Perhaps with only two, but I drove them away. And still, the circumstances of life back then would not have allowed the relationship to work out. And now that I made an instant connection to someone, which has resulted into my first adult relationship, there are “problems” because he practically does not like to do anything. Only time will tell what is going to happen. I know that I would be devastated if things came to an end, but as my wise friend said to me recently, “Opposites attract, but do they stay together?”

It’s important to always remember and never forget that we must never worry about the things that we cannot control. This is something that is often forgotten about during daily life because of getting caught up in all of the insignificant details.

If something is meant to work out, it will simply find a way to work out along with the effort of those who want it so. Otherwise, it is important to simply move on until everything eventually falls into place. For a lot of us, everything is going to fall into place. And if things don’t, we have no choice but to accept reality for what it is.

I will continue to have a relaxing weekend and count the blessings, as should you all.

More later, of course.

I am writing today because I want to document how happy I am and feel. The purpose of writing is not to always document the times of sadness, despair, and torments. It is also vital to documents the moments when we feel happy; for some of us, there are not many.
But tonight, the vibes are different. I am immersing myself in emotions and all sorts of stimuli to enhance my living experience. It is a wonderful, present moment that defines infinity at its purest form. What a beautiful and rare event. It is so important to count the blessings every single day. Yes, the routines might be in place for quite sometime, but in those moments, the task is to stay focused on the good things. The task if to stay focused on the possibilities of the future while loving the seconds of the present. This is a beautiful way to live. I have been to the bottom of the abyss; and as they say, the only way to go is upwards and outwards. I am very proud of the accomplishments that I have carried out for myself in such short time…some people take years to achieve their goals…perhaps even a lifetime. But my goals are being met, slowly, but surely in a rapid manner.

So a moment of happiness and cheer for all of the good things to come in the future. It does get better; they were not lying after all. It does get better for a lot of us…and in a world where injustices and cruelty take place, this is a comforting fact. Not everyone can be saved, and not all of us will make it to the end. But to those of us that do, it is an important piece of evidence that the Universe works in strange ways. This cannot be explained.

The year is almost over…my annual reflection address will soon be written. Drama has already taken place at my new job, albeit insignificant. Humanity continues to implode…the barbarism in full force until the bitter end. The deplorable king will tale office soon; but I suspect a disastrous term. Perhaps this will be the last time that this is mentioned on this blog…unless a course altering event eliminates the mandate.

Winter is bitter and dark; the sun seldom makes an appearance. As the holidays fast approach, sentiments loom over the many changes that unfoled this year. I am doing my very best to accomodate all; and grace them with my presence (friends, family, and my significant other).

The plan for 2017: continue to save up as much as possible, and look for a place to live on my own after the Fall ends. This will allow for a substantial amount to be secured. They say that a good way to make life laugh is to make plans…but what else is there left to do? I try my best to stay occupied, to maintain my brain active…yoga and cognitive puzzles are a blessings. Further, there isn’t a single day that goes by in which music is not a part of daily life.

Sent a couple of holiday cards last week…gratitude has come back to knock on my door, and it will continue to do so, as long as it continues to be shared.

Let us be kind to one another, and remember that there are many across the world who have nobody, and have lost everything. Even if one may not be religious, let us pray and send our most pure and sincere positive energies to the many who are suffering. May they find a light at the end of the tunnel.

Last night, I went to the emergency room with an infection. Details will not be discussed.
As I lay there, in that hospital bed, my hopes and dreams for the future came to a stand still. Although it was not a life threatening condition, it was still a moment of fear. Perhaps not sheer fear, but fear enough to case me to shake uncontrollably with anxiety, sending my blood pressure to unwanted levels.
As people around me came and went, the most conspicuous occupant was a deluded man, screaming that he did not want to die. Being an introvert, the stimulus was too much for me. My brain could not help but to capture every action and event around me. But it was in that hospital bed, that I realized god was truly dead. There is absolutely no chance that there is a benevolent being that is looking after humanity. We are all alone in our suffering, at the cosmic level. Perhaps it should bring solace to many that we have each other when we suffer, and, after all, that could very well be one of the many purposes of life; to take care of one another in times of need. I still believe, above all, that there is a purpose to life. I still believe that the god we must worship is visible, and that it was created by a force that we cannot understand.
I find it curious that, for some reason, I felt some type of peace. Although the atmosphere was terrible, torturous even, I knew then, laying that hospital bed, that I truly have absolutely no control over my life. Yes, we may have control over what clothes to wear, or what food to eat, or what time we retire to bed, but we do not have control over the bigger panorama. As stated before, “the key to a happy life is to accept that we are never in control.” And perhaps this is the cause of our massive anxiety; wanting to be in control. But we have to learn to let go.

Last night was an experience that taught me about the fragility of life, the meaning of true love, the doubts over our purpose, the continuous struggle with suffering, and the importance of cultivating the present time. We came to this world to love one another, to show compassion towards one another, and to encourage each other to succeed. Systems may be broken, politicians corrupt, injustices committed, but we have to learn how to truly take care of one another. We have to do our best to learn how to react to the situations that we do not control. A lot of times, it is important to understand that what truly matters is how we react and how we manage the situations that life brings our ways. Because there will always be situations that life brings to us. We may simply be sitting at home, but they shall come nevertheless.

Although what ocurred to me last night was not life threatening, it still opened my eyes to some of the unpleasant truths about our world. This does not mean that I will give up. I will continue to strive for a better life. I will continue to seek out the best opportunities and surround myself with the people that I care about. Love is, perhaps, the single most important aspect of life. Love is the strength that keeps us living. It is the glue that binds us with our hopes and desires. It is compassion and happiness. There is no choice for me but to continue to lead a normal life, as best as I can, and make the best out of the present situation. After all, as they always say, things could be much worse. I am blessed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November it’s here. It’s difficult for me to imagine that the year is almost over. It’s almost difficult to imagine, that soon, a year will have passed since her passing. When I think about all of the things that I have done this year, all of my trips, activities, and work related activities, it makes sense that the year has gone by quicky. At the same time, it does not feel this way. Perhaps, sometime during the summer, I lost myself in a world of fantasy, and ignored the fact that my mental health was taking a terrible toll. Maybe this was a brief period of tranquility, which mystifies me. I know that thoughts must be changed to those of happiness.

Yoga rates for last month were terrible. I have to do a better job this month and try my best to do a lot more…October was busy. There is nothing more that I look forward to than to do yoga on the beach, every day, once I go away on vacation to the island. I did yoga yesterday, for the first time in 4 days, and it felt wonderful. It was very refreshing to feel that peace, that inner happiness, and tranquility that comes with the exercise.

Frustrations continue to overcome me regarding finances…and maybe the process of paying off the loans will be delayed for a month or two. There are tough, pressing questions that I have to ask myself regarding what to do with the significant amount of money that will be saved. Should it all be gone in one swing to get rid of the student debt, forever? Should I save it and continue to pay loans, as if nothing was happening, until they are paid off when I am in my late 30s (if I even get to that age)? The initial plan now is to pay them off and work at this new job for a year…save up as much as possible and see where things go with my new relationship. I am not going to be stuck living in the future anymore, I am only going to focus on the present moment and enjoy things as they are. My mistake was to wish for things to come by quickly, while forgetting to live in the present moment. Perhaps this is something that many people struggle with…always wishing for a better tomorrow instead of making the best out of today. It is such an important, yet overlooked aspect of life. Enjoy what we have today so that we may enjoy what we have tomorrow…if we still have it.

There are two final trips to be made before the year ends. After this, I will take some time to rest and re-think the present situation…but not too much. Thinking about things too much brings despair.

Predictions are in regarding winter; sheer cold but not too much snow. I prefer the snow over the cold, but perhaps this is for the best. I wonder if this will be my last winter in this place. I have stopped wondering about those things…each year that I have stated wanting to leave this place, I end up being stuck here. So no more energies left to ponder about that, but to focus on current plans and to make sure that goals are met.

Work has been keeping me busy, despite a low case count. This is the busiest I have been in a very long time…how interesting. In any case, a part of me will not miss being a social worker. I am tangled up in my own life to be tangled up in the deeper struggles of others. It can be draining…and this is something that I do not need at the moment. I need all the energies I can muster to continue to navigate life and address the challenges that will come my way…and challenges will come. But I am a strong person, and I hope that through these writings, someone will benefit. Even if it is just one person, then I have made a significant difference. This is the way that I like to think about things. No more time for negativity, it has drained me and deeply affected those around me. I no longer want to harm those people. I no longer want to harm myself. I no longer want to live the life of depression and anxiety. It was dark, bleak, and gray. But now, it’s time to see colors. Yes, difficult days will come, but it is up to my thoughts to decide how to react to those difficult days. It is also important to remember that things could always be so much worse, and that there are many across the globe who would love to trade places with me, even for a couple of hours. I am very fortunate for what I have, and thankful to the Universe for providing me with what I have today. Some may say that my existence was random, and even if they are correct, it still does not take away the fact that I am thankful for everything that I have in this life…for my family and friends that care about me and want me to be well. Yes, the Universe has blessed me. Even if tomorrow is time to return to the Earth, it does not take away the fact that I am lucky to have what I have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am now 27. There are a couple of things that I want to note. The first is that I do not make enough money, but then again, the general population does not make enough money. I do not feel any older, nor do I look any older to my eyes when I look at myself in the mirror. But, I do know that I am older. I will miss being 26 very much…it has been my favorite age so far. I felt so infinite and indestructible. I felt like nothing bad could happen to me. Bad things did happen, not to me, but to those that I care about. I experienced death for the second time, but in this case, it was much closer to me. The jaws were so close but far from me…I have learned that tomorrow, sadly, is not guranteed. So what am I to do? Not give a fuck. Not give a fuck what people say, and live my life the best way that I can. Which brings me to the second point; I am very proud of the travels that I experienced this year. I stuck to my promise and was able to finally go to places that I have been meaning to go to for a long time. And, my mother and I discovered a beach in Rhode Island that makes one not think that one is in New England. Still, I love New England, it is so pretty. But, the winter makes it difficult.

Now, I am in a constant struggle to pay off my student debt. No matter how hard I try, it is so difficult to save up money because I am always spending money on some awful and ridiculous bill, or going out with friends, or buying something cute for myself. The way I see it, the amassing of material possessions is something that makes me happy. I know that when I leave this world, I will take nothing with me. In fact, there is a lyric from a song, its name escapes me at this time, that goes: “One day you’ll leave this world behind, so live a life you will remember.” Yes, I want to live a life that I will remember. And this year, I have done a lot of things for myself that have made me happy.

I slept around with a decent amount of guys, but now, I am happily settled with someone that deeply cares about me. I deeply care about him too. I am excited to see what the future holds for him and I. I am also excited that I am no longer going to be a social worker. This is something that I thought I would never be able to do. This is something that I never saw myself doing. But, knowing that I have made a difference in the lives of others is very rewarding and significant. But, I must move to other things in my life. I must strive to be great. Sure, I do not make enough money to be stable yet, but I know that one day, everything is going to be ok, and if it is not, then it is no big deal.

Aunties project will be renwed late next year. It is up to me to make the best of next year, and see where things go. I will finally be debt free. I am still unsure of when exactly that will be, but I project that it will be early in the year. I am trying my best to stay as positive as I can. Yes. I am trying my best to just take things day by day. This year has been an absolute roller coaster, and I am taking the good with the bad in order to make the best of things. Now that I think about it, 2016 has been a turning point in my life. My friend passed away, I experienced death near and dear to my heart, I grew a lot from my job, I went to wonderful places, I had a lot of sexcapades, I soaked up the sun in wonderful places, witnessed the majestic beauty of Vermont, and met someone who truly and deeply cares about me in a way that no man has done in a very long time. So, in summary, 2016 has been good to me, despite the major tragedy that ocurred in February. All of this has been a lesson for me, and it has helped me become a better and kinder human being. This is truly the most remarkable experience that anyone could ever live. Life itself is the rarest of phenomenans, and we may never find out the answer to the big questions, but we know that life is good, life is short, life is sweet…and that death is peaceful. I face the next year with optimism and wisdom. The older I get, the wiser I become. You learn so many things from being in this world and meeting new people. All experiences are important for all of us, and I will contibue to try to succeed, hope for the best, and work towards a better future for myself and those around me. I will never give up hope, and my dreams are more alive than ever.

I go through these stages of self awareness, depending on what is happening with my life…but lately, I feel as if these stages are abundant. Since I started smoking weed again, I have begun to, yet again, awaken more.

This is not to say that I was not awoke before…on the contrary, with every period of smoking; whether it’s a couple of weeks or a month or two, I discover new ideas and new ways to see and perceive the world.. Unfortunately, this time, the thoughts of enlightenment are pessimistic. However, there is some solace in this. Let me explain: basically, all we are is just a bunch of cells. We are a composition of millions of cells that perceive the stimuli around us 24/7. There are many that say that science can’t explain love, but it can. Basically, our brain trains us, through the rewards system, to release chemicals whenever we see that one person that we like. When we experience a break up, our brain has to backtrack to the stage it was in prior to meeting that person…until the next lover comes along.

I have truly come to believe that people are inherently selfish; and rightly so. The world that we have created for ourselves is hostile and downright incongruous. We are always asking ourselves “Why?” We fail to realize that we have created this for ourselves. Those of us who are awake, or in the process of waking up, begin to realize that the majority of the world is engulfed into this world of delusion and lives. We have humanized absolutely everything because we cannot cope nor accept the cruel reality that is life and its absurdity. The realists and the existentialists have it right…I must give credit where credit is due.
I have also come to realize that drug addiction is not something to judge; we, as humans, rely on contact, emotions, social support, and relations in order to thrive. We have to develop positive relationships with people in order for us to function properly. I am by no means championing drug addiction; but I truly understand and even sympathize with those who suffer from this. Humans have become so intolerable towards one another that at times, we turn to substances that makes us feel good for support and comfort. How sad is that? We have become obsessed with looks, money, and consumption. We are always worried about the newest and shiniest product instead of supporting one another. I am not stating that everyone must get along; I am merely stating that if we were not as isolated, the world would be a more tolerable place. Technology is supposed to connect us instantly to others around us; yet, it has isolated us so much from one another that we have become extremely intolerable. Take gay hook up apps for example; the sewers of the earth are more inhabitable than these. These apps serve the purpose of fulfilling sexual satisfaction in a matter of minutes or hours. It makes it easier to connect; yet, they only perpetuate the stereotypes and superficiality of the human mind. We literally scroll through pictures of people, as if shopping for our next product. We forget that these are people with feelings, emotions, ambitions, pains, sufferings, and life stories…so one would like to think! This fascinates me. Yet, all we focus on are the looks and outside properties. We are so keen on obtaining that instant gratification that we forget to connect as beings. Many people do not want to settle until they reach their 30s; this is why I have given up in trying to make a genuine connection with someone. There is nobody my age, I have found, at least around these parts, that thinks like me. I have only met one person who did…and they turned out to be an asshole (I honestly don’t like to use curse words in my writing, but there are no other words that can properly describe this person). Though, I am jaded myself, I still put in my heart and soul in getting to know someone. I reveal so much of myself to others…my tenderness, that I sometimes forget that they don’t care, for the most part. All they are after is the sexual gratification. This is part of my problem; I cannot find someone that will mentally stimulate me and satisfy my needs at the same time. I do not just settle for anyone. Yes, I do the ocasional cheap hook up, but to me, that gets boring over time. I am looking for someone to stimulate me mentally to the point where I grow as a person. I am much more turned on by intellectual conversations rather than sex. This is why I truly believe that I am not of this world. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. Am I alone? Am I the only one who feels this way? This is why I have also felt like a loner and outsider for most of my life; I grew up around adults and did not have many friends while I was growing up, and thus, my mind set growing up was perhaps a little different than most of those who grew up around other children.
However, in any case, my point is that we are living in the age of loneliness and isolation. Technology offers many advantages and solutions to connecting with one another, but some of us are forgetting that it is destroying face to face contact. You put so much of yourself into text, that when you meet someone, you feel as if you have known them for quite sometime. The more we disclose of ourselves, the closer we feel to that person. When the face to face connection is not successful or not as exciting as the text conversation, that other person may not want to continue contact. This leaves us feeling lost, confused, and lonely. But this is truly the reason as to why we feel even more lonely; technology makes it easier for us to tell our life stories to others that when we meet them in person there isn’t that much else to disclose. The excitement is gone…and this is something that truly makes a difference in the process of meeting others.
And thus, when we fail to form these positive relationships, and loneliness takes over, we turn to the innate for positivity. This is why there are so many people who use drugs in our modern world. Yes, drugs have been a part of human culture for ages, but more so in 2015. I am amazed at the number of gay men who are using drugs. Rejection from society is a factor, but when your entire existence is based on sex, you deny yourself the chance to meet someone. And that leads to mass loneliness and feelings of desperation. It’s all subconscious obviously, nobody is going to admit that to us. Drugs are like an escape from that entire culture, and even if you don’t take part in it, you still feel alienated because you can’t find someone else who is not taking part in that.
However, I am amazed at the number of people in general that take drugs. This is because we have created a culture of instant gratification and done away with the magic involved in the process that is meeting and getting to know others. And so, we find comfort and escape in the world of drugs. The only positive relationship that some have are with drugs. Drugs affect the way that we think and view the world; some drugs even affect brain structure. When someone uses drugs for an extended period of time, they become uninterested in human interaction; and rightly so. With the way humans are, there is nothing else left to discover. There is no stimulation that a human can offer compared to the power of drugs…but I truly believe that those of us who are awakened have something unique to offer. The true challenge is to find others who are.
I have hope that there are many like me wondering this planet, looking for that someone who is awakened and not truly ruined by the delusional and superficial culture that we have created for ourselves. Consumerism is driving us to the edge of absolute ruin. Although I try my best not to take part in this system, I still find myself going along with the rest. I do believe that it is inevitable to escape it.
I have lost a lot of interest in other people because I truly feel that I am not like the majority .Yes, there are others who seek what I seek. but they are difficult to find. Everyone has their own story, their own struggle, their own hell that they are traversing through; I am not one to judge. However, I will never understand why so many choose to destroy themselves by engaging in the system that we have created. Perhaps this is an escape mechanism…they feel that perhaps they cannot fight the system and thus believe that the only way to minimize pain is to become submerged in it.
I can relate to this in a certain way. Even though I am looking for someone who will mentally stimulate and challenge me, I have come to the conclusion that most gay men are not this way, and that nobody is going to want to settle until they are in their 30’s. Even still, they find themselves in a state of confusion because they cannot find what they seek. There are times that I truly believe that death (not from a suicidal perspective) would be the solution to the problems we are facing today. The world is completely irreparable. It is in such a destitute, desolate, and incongruous state; there is no going back. We will continue to descend into absolute madness and chaos. This is an irreversible process; and the reason that I do not want to bring any children into this hostile jungle. We will never be satisfied and we will never be truly happy. We will always want more, no matter how much we have. This is one of the many fallacies of the human mind; and it will ultimately lead to our destruction. It’s not a question of “Perhaps we will be better off this way,” but “We are better off this way.”
The Universe will not be able to grasp this madness much longer, either. It’s time to go home. I am thinking of simpler times.

Every December, I write a “Lessons Learned” entry. Basically, I list everything that I learned that year and elaborate on it. This year is no different, but instead of just making a numbered list, I’m going to do it by months. No, don’t worry, it won’t be a lesson for each month. It will be a lesson from a cluster of months. That makes it more effective because it can accurately illustrate, through writing, the collective lesson that I learned. So before I dive into it, I will include a short “foreword”.

Coming into 2011, I had no idea what to expect. All I know is that I wanted it to be the best year of my life, and I was going to make everything possible to make it so. 2010 was depressing and filled with a lot of angst. Depression, suicidal tendencies, feelings of entrapment, wanting to escape, coming out at home, and being hospitalized. I vowed to make 2011 the best year I could, because I kept telling myself: “At the end of the storm, is a golden sky.” 2010 was the worst storm I have endured in my life, and somehow, I wanted 2011 to be the rainbow that came after it. However, I had no idea that I was in for a deranged ride.
The main event of this year was me living at Storrs. I knew that a new world of possibilities and social scenarios awaited me. However, nothing could have prepared me for what followed suit. So without further delays, I will now revisit the divergent journey that was 2011.

January, February, and March
I settled in Storrs January 17th, 2011. I was excited to be on my own, and I didn’t really feel any fear. I was terrified of not making friends. Luckily, I had three people I already knew, as well as high school friends. Still, it was hard to connect with people. I dreaded eating alone at the dinning halls, and felt like I had already made a mistake by coming there. To make matters absolutely worse, the winter was the worst one yet. Nothing but snow and freezing cold. Classes were cancelled numerous times, and I was left with nothing to do. I spent many lonely days walking in the snow, and the bitter cold of winter made me an even bitter person. Everywhere I walked, I was a pathetic yet mysteriously stylish figure in my top buttoned down coat and my heavy Polo rain boots. I also lost a lot of weight because the nerves kept up with me. I didn’t meet people until I started visiting the Rainbow Center. Yes, I was warned many times not to go there, but curiosity killed the cat. I met some great people with amazing personalities, and for that I am grateful. I also met some people that can only be described as belonging to the bottom of the scum of the earth. I experienced something more dramatic than a Parisian Opera. However, I will not complain, because I was warned after all. From this I learned that I have to stand up for myself and not let people walk all over me. Like I’ve said, people don’t like those who stand up for themselves. There was a lot of jealousy because I knew who I was, and I was confident in myself. Maybe one day, these people can learn how to love themselves too.
After the drama, I decided to distance myself from the RC. Around March, I began to be a complete loner. Apart from occasional lunches and dinners with some friends, I spent the days going to class, doing work, and walking around campus. Being by myself allowed me to look deep within and ask: “Who are you and what do you want?” I learned that I am someone that is to be respected. I learned that I will never let people use me and walk all over me again. I also learned to be cautious, because no matter what people tell me, there ARE evil people out there who are immature and whose only intentions are to ruin others. However, at the same time, I learned that there are also good people who, even though they have their own flaws, have good intentions. Going through drama at the RC opened up my eyes to human nature. I can honestly say, without any doubt in my mind, that young gay men are the most dramatic group of people on earth. More dramatic than teenage girls, and more dramatic than wealthy housewives. You wouldn’t agree with me unless you experienced it. Some people are crazy, and touched in the head.
Even though I made some mistakes, such as opening my mouth to speak when I shouldn’t have, or messing around with other guys sexually, I can’t really regret it. Those were choices, and I consciously made them.
Being at Storrs changed me. Even though I transferred back because I couldn’t handle the social distractions and the way classes were taught (horrible professors), it made me tougher than I thought it would. I now appreciate being at home, working all year round, and most of all: saving thousands of dollars. But even so, I have now built a “reputation” of being someone not to mess with. Not because I will “beat you up” or “get you jumped”, but because I actually defend myself and am very vocal about it. All in all, I am a fighter, and I can’t let people who have no class and no intrinsic sense of self bring me down. I am who I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My skin is a lot thicker now that I experienced this.

April, May
As the Storrs campaign came to an end, I looked forward to summer. I saw it as my “salvation” from this storm. I lamented not having the best time I could have at Storrs, but at the end of the semester, I realized: “I chose to come here, nobody forced me. I have to deal with it and learn from it.” Going back home never felt better. I did cry a lot because I would deeply miss my new made friends, but like most things in life, all good things must come to an end. The transition from winter to spring was rough because the weather couldn’t make up its mind. Still, I hung on, waiting for May 7th. The last few days were bittersweet, and I have absolutely no idea how I didn’t fail anything. My grades were mediocre to say the least, but still, I made it.
Looking back at the series of blog entries called “The Storrs Diaries”, my mind went through some dark periods. Not only periods of darkness, but of conflict and loneliness. Maybe one day I’ll publish them. They’re powerful.
I also felt that everyone in my family was moving forward except for me. I broke down several times, trying to put it past me, but at the end of the day it always caught up with me. I have learned that life is not a competition. You can focus on your goals day by day, and if you compare yourself to others, you aren’t left with any motivation. Motivation has to come from within. YOU are the reason why you want to succeed.
I also learned that taking risks in life is good. If I hadn’t come to Storrs, I wouldn’t have experienced anything. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, and I wouldn’t have come out a stronger and more firm person. I have no words to describe the madness that is Storrs, I truly don’t. But all I know is that it allowed me to see human nature at its ugliest, most darkest form. Still, I am a stronger person with a stronger mind. I know what I want out of life.
Storrs taught me that nothing, and I mean nothing, is ideal. Storrs itself isn’t ideal. I thought it would provide me with the social life I desired for so long, but even so, it proved to be too much. I came to the conclusion that UConn Storrs is overrated. I was more than happy to close the Storrs chapter forever, and ended with these words:

“3 months ago I happily embarked on a crusade to divide and conquer. However, things did not have an entirely favorable outcome and did not turn out as expected. And now, I return home. I left home in a happy mood, and I am now returning in a happy mood. Oddly, that makes perfect sense, even though the reasons behind the happiness contradict each other and vary in contrast. Ah, life, what an ironic trip or paradox.”

June, July, August
Summer was supposed to be the Heaven after the Inferno. In a way, it was. However, I had to deal with a certain problem: STD scares. This was a consequence from my days of being active with other guys. Even though everything turned out to be ok in the end, I learned that I am not a slut. I compromised my morals and values at Storrs so that I could fulfill my lustful desires, and it wasn’t worth it. I made the conscious decision to be like this, and that is how I payed the price. No one-night stand is worth the absolute torment and agony that results from thinking you have a sexually transmitted disease. Playing russian roulette is not worth it for a few minutes of pleasure. I am a romantic, and I’d rather make love instead of having a meaningless hook up. I consciously crashed myself into a brick wall of pain, and that was the only way for me to learn. I also gave up online dating. I am convinced that I won’t be meeting anyone special on these sites, no matter how “decent” they are advertised to be. Nothing but failures. I don’t keep in touch with anyone that I have met through them. I learned that what they say is true: People on the internet are strange and frightening. This caused me to be depressed. I spent the entire summer lamenting the fact that I would never meet a decent guy. However, I was repeatedly told that it would happen when I wasn’t looking or expecting it. I remained incredulous.
After this torment passed, I slowly but surely discovered that summer wasn’t going to be anything special. No social life or fun awaited me. I made the best of this and enrolled in a gym. I never thought I would, but I did. This made me feel better and helped reduce a lot of depression. I learned that physical activity combats depression on a massive scale.
I also participated in a lot of outdoor activities. Trail walking and discovering new places made summer very special to me because not only was I in touch with nature, but ultimately, in touch with myself. We come from the earth.
Beach trips also helped me distract my mind from the ordinary life I had at home. I learned that I have to be comfortable in my own body, because if I’m not, I will ultimately never be comfortable with myself.
This summer taught me that even though I had no social life, I still had to pre occupy myself with activities and things that interested me. I learned that I hate not being pro active, and that I constantly need to be busy. Otherwise, the depression will slowly creep back in.
I like to call this summer, “The Summer of Nature”. And I will happily remember walking on trails with my parents.

September, October, November, December
As I stared my “old life” again in the commuting branch campus, I wondered how I was going to make it through the semester without letting depression annihilate me. I told myself that I would do homework outside my house, and I would sit at bookstores and coffee shops, indulging in readings and other school work. I also hoped that this way, I would meet someone the old fashioned way. I thought that things wouldn’t be so bad because my grandparents were visiting for three months.
My life changed one day when I decided to visit Storrs. I’d like to say that I actually didn’t want to go visit (sorry dears). The reason is that I didn’t want to relive the pain and suffering. Yes, I wanted to see my friends again, but something about going there made me feel uneasy. To make a long story short, I met someone who would later be my boyfriend for almost two months. This would be my first “real life” relationship, as I’ve had flings and online relationships before. Words can’t describe how magical it felt. I was at home. I was at peace. The depression went away. I can honestly say that I never thought it would happen. I was shocked, but in a good way. At first, it was magic. We decided to work with the distance, and for once in my life, I romanticized that I was being saved by an angel. I had never been so happy. He wasn’t like any guy that I had met before. He was different..or so I thought. But like any relationship, complications came. Even though I was sort of blindsided (because I will admit to myself that I wasn’t 100% blindsided, I saw it coming but refused to believe), he ended it short of our two months. And I thought it would last long. After everything we said to each other, I learned that I was just another promise that he couldn’t keep, and it wasn’t my loss. I will leave it at that.
Even though I was a complete mess for the first two and a half days, I slowly began to snap out of it. This made me realize a few things: People were actually right! This happened when I wasn’t expecting it. What a pleasant surprise. Although he is different from most guys, he still had his flaws. We all do. I learned that now I officially know what I want in a man. Even though he didn’t have everything I look for, the majority of things made up for what he lacked. Again, I am not going to divulge the details because I have respect for myself and the private affairs of my life. It is none of my business how he choses to act after this, and it is none of my business how he decides to carry himself as a gay young man in a world full of immaturity, drama, and promiscuity. However, it is my business how I carry myself into this world. I will continue to honor my values and morals. I will continue to improve myself as a person, and I will continue to admit to my flaws that need fixing.
From this short relationship, I learned that I am too young to be worrying about certain things. I learned that I spend too much time being negative and obsessively worrying about things. These are the things that cause my depression. Instead, I should live my life. I should live in the moment. I should sing, dance, and do whatever I want to enjoy myself and the life that I have been given.
I also learned that maybe at this time, I couldn’t handle a relationship because it did bring me a lot of stress and anxiety. So in a way, I have to thank him for making me realize it. I am not going to be a slut, and I am not going to be reckless, because that is NOT who I am. I am a person of dignity and respect. Yes, I have my moments of anger and trash talk, but who doesn’t?
I want to hate the shit out of you for breaking my heart (because it’s not chipped, it’s not cracked: it’s shattered), but one day, I’ll be grateful. Why? Because it was a lesson learned. So thank you for the good times, and thank you for giving me the amount of affection that you gave me, even though it wasn’t as much as I gave you. After all, this was your first relationship.

Just when I thought the year was over and my life wouldn’t dramatically change any further, something happened: I went to group therapy. This was my first ever group therapy. I was the youngest at 22, and everyone else in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Never have I felt so sick and ashamed to complain about the things I complain about. I now know that even though I do have problems, they are not tragedies, and they pale in comparison to what these people have and are going through. I am so thankful for having participated in it, and to have seen and heard the things I did. I have never been so moved in my ENTIRE life. I know I just wrote about it, and you can read everything I said in it. But truly, I am a changed man. This couldn’t have happened at a better time. A time where I was depressed and thought about ending it all because the supposed man of my dreams left me. This is not the case. I am much too young. I have so much to go through, and like a wise person told me, there are greater and more drastic pains coming my way.

2011 was a year of enlightenment. Despite all the darkness and depression, I have once again emerged unscathed (because let’s face it, I am unscathed). I may have some scars, but those are the lessons that I learned.
I learned to differentiate between being conceited and knowing your self worth. I am a great person. I am loving, kind, giving, compassionate, empathetic, caring, brave, and a fighter. I have this “joke” where I call myself Prince Charming. Even though I have my many flaws, I still think I am. Once I tackle my issues and over come them (because I will over come them), I will become an even better man. Of this I am very certain. I still have a lot of growing up and developing to do. We are always growing and learning.
Three of the most important lessons I learned this year are 1. Life is not ideal. 2. There are no certainties in life. 3. Expect the unexpected.
Thank you, 2011, for changing my life. And I would also like to thank everyone, yes, everyone (including the most evil people I met) for having changed me as a person. I now realize that friends come and go, but ONLY the good and genuine ones will stick through your lifetime.
One of the most difficult decisions I had to make was completely cutting ties with my former best friend. This person was a cancer that only enabled me to be depressed and suicidal, and one day in April, I said to myself: “Enough is enough. Time to empower myself and stand up for what I think is right and healthy for me.”
I ended our 4 year friendship. I always complained and moaned because people would stop being friends with me, but now I understood that some friendships don’t last forever. I am HAPPY with my decision, because now I am a less depressed person. I enjoy life more. So thank you for the good times, the memories, the endless dialogue, and for actually understanding me as a person and for allowing me to tell you the most deepest, darkest, and most disturbing secrets of my life that I will never tell anyone else. Thank you, truly. Even if you hate me, I wish you peace and happiness in your life.
I also learned that as great as I am (self worth people, self worth), not everyone is going to like me. There will always be insecure and jealous people who are still learning who they are. It’s ok if people don’t like me, I can live with it. I promise that I won’t lose sleep over it. Life introduces you to people for a reason and removes them for an even better reason.

As always, thank you to my family for being there for me no matter what. My parents and my brother and my grandparents from both sides of the family. THANK YOU. Know that even though I may have been extremely distant at times, my love and loyalty for you never wavered. Please understand that I am deeply complex person, and that I need a lot of time to myself to heal and understand what is going on in my head.
Also, thank you to my close friends (which aren’t many, ha) for being there for me. Without your support and love, I wouldn’t be here today. Thank you for being in this crazy ride with me, I feel a lot better.

I enter 2012 not expecting anything, because that is the best way to live life. I will live day by day, making the best of it. Sure, I want good and happy things to happen to me, but in the meantime, I have to make sure that I am happy with myself. The self can’t be without the self, and if you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to take care of others. I am not naive, I am not stupid. I may give people the benefit of the doubt, but I am cautious, because based on past experience, there are bad people out there. I don’t care what anyone says, you cannot take that away from me because you haven’t lived it. I used to trust, trust, trust, and trust and never give people the benefit of the doubt. What was the result? I got disrespected and walked all over. Even though Karma will take care of those people, I don’t want to live through it again. I am not saying that I will not trust people and give them chances, I will. But now I will do it with more logic and caution.

Before I close, I would like to take a quick moment to talk about music. Ever since Michael Jackson passed, Mariah Carey has become the number one musical and artistic influence in my life. I want to thank her because she has a song for everything, and she has helped me overcome the difficult times in my life this year. I love every song of hers because her voice is in them. Her life and work are both a masterpiece that will always be remembered. I know that I will never stop listening to her. Her music has the power to heal. Thank you Mariah, for getting me out of the gutter and allowing me to look beyond the stars.

I will close this tumultuous but life changing year with a quote. There were SO many good quotes this year, including “My secret? I’m going to forget about everyone who has once hurt me, broken me down, and made me feel worthless. Because guess what? You don’t deserve me. Your words mean nothing. I’m finally going to be happy.” and “You think you are nothing. You think that nobody loves you. You think that it will be easier just to die. Think again. To someone, you are everything. Somebody loves you. Somebody would die without you. Think about that.” and “Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.” AND “Don’t lose hope. When the sun goes down, the stars come out.” AND “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift that’s why they call it the present.” AND “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” AND finally “We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”

I also came up with my own: “The only relationship that will last for a lifetime is the one with yourself.”

Yes, I have learned from each and every one of these quotes. But as I enter 2012 with a smile, I will not have a “final word” or an afterword, but simply end with this:

“Absolutely no regrets, only choices. Because at the end of the day, I can sit here and say: ‘I’ve made my own.’ “