I’ve been struggling the past week and a half with my relationship. I love my boyfriend, I deeply care about him in a way that I have never cared for another guy before. Yet I struggle; yes, every relationship has their good and bad. Nobody is perfect, no matter how alike or different they are from us. My dad told me that “We are always seeking that perfection which doesn’t exist,” and it’s true.
The struggles come because he isn’t on the same level of culture as I am. We have different hobbies. He doesn’t care much for social issues, while I do. My hobbies are more in tune with those of an older person, while his are those of someone who is younger. I like the woods, hikes, museums, and the such. He likes video games, reality TV, and pop culture. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this. Being with him has made me realize that I couldn’t be with someone who is a clone of me. I will give an example; I have a friend who has similar tastes to me, so we have deep conversations about life. But the last time we talked, the conversation got very overwhelming and I had to deflect and end it. At that moment I realized that it would not be healthy for me, personally, to be with someone with the same thought process as mine. It would drive me insane; I already drive myself insane. My boyfriend does a good job in making sure I “snap out of it.” He has stayed and faught for this relationship despite all the things I have done to him and my extremely difficult ways of being with my thoughts. He forgave me after I confessed to him that I was watching too much porn, which was affecting our sex life. He forgave me when I told him that I didn’t think he dressed appropriately for my birthday. He forgave me when I took the site of other guys that I  was talking to that I had met online (and live out of state) years ago. And lately, he forgave me when I told him that he didn’t fulfill me 100%.
This is all true love to me. I often ask myself what the reasons are behind the fact that he has not left me yet. Is my unconscious mind trying to sabotage this relationship?
The reasoning behind me saying he does not fulfill me completely also made no sense; I felt that he would say no to the activities I would suggest doing, when in fact, I have only made two suggestions. The first was one was last year, when I asked him to go on a walk, and the second was recent, when I asked him to watch a show with me and he said the subject of the show was of no interest to him. Yet I have done everything he has suggested (has all been mostly TV shows) without protesting at all. He must have asked me if I felt that the relationship was one sided for a reason, he must have suspected. And he was right, and I told him.
He let me know that he would try to do things with me and would be open to doing so. I worried so much this past week whether that would work or not that I threw myself into an emotional pit of dread and ended up having to hide in the bathroom to cry. He also says ignorant comments here and there. I have come to learn that he does not mean what he says; he is not a bad person. This is the way that he was raised; he has lived in the same town all his life and did not go to a four year college where learning about diversity is key. Now, this is not to say that I firmly believe one must attend college; I don’t. I know college is not for everyone. There were several times during my college years that I considered dropping out. In the end, I am glad that I didn’t. But it would have helped him to get to know more people of diverse backgrounds. None of this justifies the things he says, I have made several comments and dropped hints regarding the fact that these bother me. During one of our discussions, he concluded that maybe there was a possibility that things were not as he thought they would be. This gave me faith that there is hope in educating him.
I know he loves me and cares about me; he has proven this to me and I will never, or have I ever, questioned how he feels about me. I believe everything he says in regards to how he feels about the relationship and how he feels about me. I have never connected so well with him, and our relationship just works, somehow, despite our differences. This isn’t something to question. I think that this is something to be celebrated. I have met many guys, gone on dates, and have been lead on to the point where I thought that there was something wrong with me. So after my last, short relationship, I dedicated to only having sex, convinced that this was all I was good for. He made me realize that I am so much better than that life…and he is right. It was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I don’t want to ruin what we have; I concluded that I want to give this relationship a CHANCE. He has given me, and continues to give me many chances. I am going to hold him to his word and hope that he really comes through with saying that he is open and willing to try new things with me. I will continue to educate him and immediately call him out if he says something ignorant. If, after sometime, I notice that there are no changes, I, with all the hurt in my sould, will have to end it. I would much rather tell myself that I gave this relationship a fair chance, and worked to improve it, rather than just give up and walk away. I love him a lot and that is why I don’t want to let this go to waste. But if the changes that I mentioned do not happen over time, I know what I have to do.
Regardless, I have to stop my mind from running and making up scenarios or fantasies that do not exist. I have to fully live in the moment and go by facts and past evidence. I don’t want to push away every person that tries to get close to me. I am focusing only on the negative aspects of things, rather than the positives. This is something that I have to work on, before it ruins my life.
Here’s to hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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