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K asked for FROYO today but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’m going to the gym this evening and needed time to relax after dinner. Also, there is a rainstorm pelting everything right now and some thunder. So I guess Wednesday is the first official day of summer? But who the hell cares? Who the hell made up these imaginary days and rules? The weather hasn’t been cooperating anyways.

I’ve spend the last two days reading the old entries from this blog, most of it which is private. It has to stay private to protect some identities, but as I have mentioned before, it is genius writing. Maybe it can be published as a small memoir one day…without editing. It has to be raw in order to serve its purpose.

I went along a small joy ride today after a work meeting to the country. It was so beautiful, and driving around the lake, seeing those big houses on the hills…how I really wish that was my life. Part of me really wants to stay in the country, but another part of me knows that this would be a lonely life for the most part. Today, I have come to truly realize that I never knew what I was doing with my life. I thought I did, but I really don’t. I don’t think that any of us do. Part of me wants to live in the country, part of me wants to ┬álive in the city outskirts…it’s all a mess. And I will never make enough money to lead the type of life that I want, so that’s another reason to be in a relationship.
And speaking of relationship, we finally broke out of the norm last night and went to a show. He said that I need to have thick skin in order to be with him, and that I should be able to call him out and put him in his place. Although when I have tried to do that, I am met with resistance. Well, I think that I should remind him of this then. He does have a big fortune coming in the future, so that is another advantage. Some days I want things to work out, and some days I am not sure that they will. But isn’t that what I longed for anyway? This whole time? Some one to accept me with all of my flaws? He has been the only one…so far anyway. I really don’t know what I am going to do, and hoping for the best without being proactive and working to improve the relationship isn’t exactly a good plan.

I received a thank you note from my brother’s finance regarding the present that I bough for their wedding. See you in July indeed. Some things stay the same, and some things change. But don’t they say that things are always changing? Well, as the song says, “The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.”

I am hoping that the next few weeks give me a break so I can travel to Vermont on a Saturday. The weather has been plotting against me. I don’t appreciate it one bit! We aren’t even allowed to have decent weather in this bankrupt state…people are leaving, businesses are leaving…what will there be in the end?

Saving up is taking forever. There is always something impeding meeting my goals. These 1000 dollar something credit card bills NEED to fucking stop. I even sold my iPad to make up for some of the costs. Yes, it was hard to part ways with it, it’s still strange that it is gone (all this sentiment for a piece of technology? A testament of how dumb we have gotten), but I will take any help that I can get at this point. I can’t wait to just pay off all of school…I haven’t been paying them anything for almost two months now. Why throw money away to interest? The biggest scam of it all is the entire University and loan system. I can’t fucking WAIT for the day that these loans are gone. July? August? When? I really hope to be done with this September the earliest, I can’t take it anymore. And after that, save up to try and attempt to find a decently priced apartment. I just wish I didn’t have to live in this place. I want to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years, but the older I grow , the more I realize how hard it actually is. I’ll leave it at that before I go into another mindless rant.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s important to always remember and never forget that we must never worry about the things that we cannot control. This is something that is often forgotten about during daily life because of getting caught up in all of the insignificant details.

If something is meant to work out, it will simply find a way to work out along with the effort of those who want it so. Otherwise, it is important to simply move on until everything eventually falls into place. For a lot of us, everything is going to fall into place. And if things don’t, we have no choice but to accept reality for what it is.

I will continue to have a relaxing weekend and count the blessings, as should you all.

More later, of course.

What happened today? I’ll tell you what happened today. Next week is my last week at my current job. I haven’t told them anything, only two co-workers know. I plan on writing a candid letter next Friday, and sending it to my boss and a human resource staff. That will partly expose them for the crooks that they are; I won’t go too much into details because I don’t want to become involved in a possible legal situation, but my honesty should be enough to set off a bomb after I leave. But anyway, today, I could not stand being there anymore, and I refused to become an unofficial salesman and attempt to have people tell me what their electronic address is, so that was not going to happen. I lied and said that I would be in a different building doing just that; asking poor people to give me their e-mails to boost the numbers of this tyranical health center up so that the higher ups can take all the credit. Isn’t that how America works anyway? But today, it did not work out that way.
What I wasn’t counting on is that one of my co-workers decided to pay a visit to the place I was supposed to be in and asked my other co-worker where I was. Bless her; she covered for me and said she didn’t know where I was…but nevertheless, the jig was up. This was half hour later after I left. What I found curious right now is that she didn’t text me or call me; she has my personal number. So why didn’t she? Why didn’t she contact me? Did she feel the need to wash her hands and let her boss, our boss, know that this was something that she should handle? Is this something that her brain could not take on because she has other problems going on in her life? Well I’ll tell you something; nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to go back to school. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to take this stressful job. Nobody put a fucking fun on her head and force her to date the man she is always bitching about. Fun tidbit about this latter fact; she once told me that sometimes our minds tell us to stay in relationships even though we know that they are not good for us. So what is she doing? She is staying in one that is not good for her, but she spends all day posting stupid shit posts on instagram about infidelity, relationships, school, and other topics that are not worthy of mentioning here.
All suspicion aside, if she told my boss that I was nowhere to be found, there is something to be said that the boss just so happens to have a meeting in the same office I am going to be working in, which wouldn’t be my home office. If I were her, I would be smart not to rat me out, because since I am going out either way, I will go out dropping several truth bombs and granades as I make my exit. Does she want to get thrown under a bus? She does not. But since she probably isn’t smart, she may have already lit my fuse. Only Monday will tell.
Either way, I am happy. Happy because no matter what happens, this next week is going to be my last week in that hell. It was an honest mistake on my part in going there. Nothing could have warned me of the bullshit that I have endured since I started December. If this was foretold, I would have never left my previous job. I gave up a lot of freedom to come to where I currently am, thinking that it would provide an opportunity for growth and development. Instead, I have stumbled upon idiots who call themselves supervisors and hold Doctorate degrees that should have never been handed out and revoked immediately. I would like to know why someone with a PhD makes spelling errors often and does not know how to be professional while treating their subordinates with respect. Well, soon enough, that is going to backfire on them. My candid letter, although not a kick below the belt, is going to make an impact. At least I would like to think so, because at this point, all human resource jobs should be eliminated. Nothing ever gets done. In any case, I will have the last word. Because what I think of these people and this self indulging agency cannot truly be put into words, so instead, I am going to make sure that a magnifying glass is placed on them.

So yeah, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will be a year tomorrow since she left this world. It’s weird to think about…what have I exactly done in that year? Life seems like a blur when it’s thought about…so many things have happened, but that phone call seems as if it happened just last month. But alas, it will be a year tomorrow. The plan is to have a normal day; go about work routines, get home, and get ready for Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend. Of course I am going to be thinking of her tomorrow, more than ever. I’m not sure that there has been a day that I did not think about her since she left this world. There may have been a few days here and there where she was completely off my mind…and when I think about the question of “What have you learned since? How have things changed since that day?”, the answer that comes to mind is that, although the existential crisis continued all through most of the year, life was lived to the fullest. Went on road trips, took another vacation, experimented sexually like never before, did not take any day for granted, and inhaled every single experience that I was able to create. That is her parting gift to me; that life is to be enjoyed with its fullest potential. Yes, fragments of the crisis still linger, but I have come out of this stage of my life stronger and with a deeper appreciation for experiences. The need for material possessions has vastly diminished. More emphasis has been placed on food, traveling, nature, peace, yoga, family, and friends.

It is a certainty that a range of emotions are going to be flowing through me tomorrow, but this is only normal. My anxiety over Valentine day’s dinner does not help the ocasion. In the end, everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow, frankly speaking, will just be another day. Thank you for making me learn that the lesson from your passing was to enjoy life to its fullest. Rest in peace, and let me be at peace.

I am running out of things to say. What am I supposed to do? Blog for the rest of my life? And say what? The same shit as always? I’m anxious. I’m semi depressed. I hate living at home. I’m 27 and feel like a failure because I’m not independent. I wish I could travel more. I want more out of life. I’m going to die one day. My thoughts torment me. I am too negative. I am sabotaging my relationship for superficial reasons. I have no idea what I am doing with my life.

That’s been the same shit the last 8 years now. Some people are so keen on spreading the hopeful message that “It gets better,” but it does not. It just gets easier to cope with…even still. Those people are able to say that because for them, things did get better. But for some of us, things will never get better. We are slaves to our thoughts, our emotions, our mental health illnesses. I rent and truly loathe those people who are wealthy for no particular reason; the athletes who do absolutely nothing to contribute to the benefit of mankind, only to end up the richest people in the world. An example of how worthless, unfair, and lost this planet is. Why try to change the world? Not only does it not pay, but it does absolutely nothing. Someone or something will come and change it back. Ask Obama and Trump about that.

I don’t know why my brain is the way it is. I looked into the mirror this evening, say myself, and thought that “It’s not you as a person that is fucked up, it is your thoughts, your mind.” But aren’t I my mind? Aren’t I my thoughts? I lay in cold darkness on the floor of my bedroom, wishing some benevolent force would take me away. But it didn’t. Isn’t that a beautiful metaphor? When we, pathetic humans, lay on the floor, in sadness, lamenting everything, wishing we would be dead already? Nothing in the Universe makes sense. Nothing has ever made sense, and nothing will ever make sense.

So what am I doing with my life? I feel like I am wasting it; wasting it in this insignificant town, being forced to make decisions about my uncertain future. Meanwhile, outside these imaginary state lines, billions of people await to be met, many places await to be visited. And I am unable to do this because I am a slave to the debt of an educational entity that its only purpose serves to deceive people into thinking that if you invest in them, they will make you more marketable and prosperous. I am a slave to a green piece of paper that has more value than the life of a person, a tree, another animal, a flower, a precious gem, and just about everything else that exists in this world. Welcome, everyone. Welcome to the world that we have created. You sit and moan, complain, cry, rage, and commit suicide over the status quo, without realizing that we, ourselves, have contributed, are contributing, to the slow but certain downfall of mankind. And perhaps this should be so. I am tired of the insanity. For me, everything is so much easier when I am on xanax. For once, my thoughts go away. For once, all I do is breathe, and nothing else seems to matter. As they say, life is so much easier when we are numb. And this is nothing short of the truth. I hope that you all look at this not with cynicism, but with a third eye, because this is the truth. These are no the random ramblings of someone who is frustrated with his life, they are the reflections of a human who is deeply affected by the constructs of society. Not even yoga can help me calm my thoughts; no matter what I do or what I try to concentrate in, these thoughts go rampant. Is this what is in store for me until I am dead? I try to change things, but it feels like I have no energy. And then, I am reminded that I don’t drive my dream car, live in my dream home, vacation in my dream place, spend my dream amount of money…and then I realized that I have become another pathetic puppet, slave to the capitalist ideas. And maybe all of these will always be just that; dreams. I have absolutely been brainwashed to the idea that if I have more money, I will have a better life and be better than everyone else. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I do not care to know who I have become. People tell me “They loved you!” when someone new meets me, but I have no idea how that could be. If they knew the person I really was, they would stay ten thousand feet away from me. What they see is a fake persona that has to pretend that everything is great, while my thoughts are slowly consuming me, killing me on the inside. At this point, there would be nothing better than to disappear into thin air.

I don’t know who I am anymore and it makes no sense to be alive or to participate in this life. I told myself today, while staring into the shower head, hot water numbing me, that if I had no people in my life that cared about me, I would have killed myself, surely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night, I went to the emergency room with an infection. Details will not be discussed.
As I lay there, in that hospital bed, my hopes and dreams for the future came to a stand still. Although it was not a life threatening condition, it was still a moment of fear. Perhaps not sheer fear, but fear enough to case me to shake uncontrollably with anxiety, sending my blood pressure to unwanted levels.
As people around me came and went, the most conspicuous occupant was a deluded man, screaming that he did not want to die. Being an introvert, the stimulus was too much for me. My brain could not help but to capture every action and event around me. But it was in that hospital bed, that I realized god was truly dead. There is absolutely no chance that there is a benevolent being that is looking after humanity. We are all alone in our suffering, at the cosmic level. Perhaps it should bring solace to many that we have each other when we suffer, and, after all, that could very well be one of the many purposes of life; to take care of one another in times of need. I still believe, above all, that there is a purpose to life. I still believe that the god we must worship is visible, and that it was created by a force that we cannot understand.
I find it curious that, for some reason, I felt some type of peace. Although the atmosphere was terrible, torturous even, I knew then, laying that hospital bed, that I truly have absolutely no control over my life. Yes, we may have control over what clothes to wear, or what food to eat, or what time we retire to bed, but we do not have control over the bigger panorama. As stated before, “the key to a happy life is to accept that we are never in control.” And perhaps this is the cause of our massive anxiety; wanting to be in control. But we have to learn to let go.

Last night was an experience that taught me about the fragility of life, the meaning of true love, the doubts over our purpose, the continuous struggle with suffering, and the importance of cultivating the present time. We came to this world to love one another, to show compassion towards one another, and to encourage each other to succeed. Systems may be broken, politicians corrupt, injustices committed, but we have to learn how to truly take care of one another. We have to do our best to learn how to react to the situations that we do not control. A lot of times, it is important to understand that what truly matters is how we react and how we manage the situations that life brings our ways. Because there will always be situations that life brings to us. We may simply be sitting at home, but they shall come nevertheless.

Although what ocurred to me last night was not life threatening, it still opened my eyes to some of the unpleasant truths about our world. This does not mean that I will give up. I will continue to strive for a better life. I will continue to seek out the best opportunities and surround myself with the people that I care about. Love is, perhaps, the single most important aspect of life. Love is the strength that keeps us living. It is the glue that binds us with our hopes and desires. It is compassion and happiness. There is no choice for me but to continue to lead a normal life, as best as I can, and make the best out of the present situation. After all, as they always say, things could be much worse. I am blessed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

November it’s here. It’s difficult for me to imagine that the year is almost over. It’s almost difficult to imagine, that soon, a year will have passed since her passing. When I think about all of the things that I have done this year, all of my trips, activities, and work related activities, it makes sense that the year has gone by quicky. At the same time, it does not feel this way. Perhaps, sometime during the summer, I lost myself in a world of fantasy, and ignored the fact that my mental health was taking a terrible toll. Maybe this was a brief period of tranquility, which mystifies me. I know that thoughts must be changed to those of happiness.

Yoga rates for last month were terrible. I have to do a better job this month and try my best to do a lot more…October was busy. There is nothing more that I look forward to than to do yoga on the beach, every day, once I go away on vacation to the island. I did yoga yesterday, for the first time in 4 days, and it felt wonderful. It was very refreshing to feel that peace, that inner happiness, and tranquility that comes with the exercise.

Frustrations continue to overcome me regarding finances…and maybe the process of paying off the loans will be delayed for a month or two. There are tough, pressing questions that I have to ask myself regarding what to do with the significant amount of money that will be saved. Should it all be gone in one swing to get rid of the student debt, forever? Should I save it and continue to pay loans, as if nothing was happening, until they are paid off when I am in my late 30s (if I even get to that age)? The initial plan now is to pay them off and work at this new job for a year…save up as much as possible and see where things go with my new relationship. I am not going to be stuck living in the future anymore, I am only going to focus on the present moment and enjoy things as they are. My mistake was to wish for things to come by quickly, while forgetting to live in the present moment. Perhaps this is something that many people struggle with…always wishing for a better tomorrow instead of making the best out of today. It is such an important, yet overlooked aspect of life. Enjoy what we have today so that we may enjoy what we have tomorrow…if we still have it.

There are two final trips to be made before the year ends. After this, I will take some time to rest and re-think the present situation…but not too much. Thinking about things too much brings despair.

Predictions are in regarding winter; sheer cold but not too much snow. I prefer the snow over the cold, but perhaps this is for the best. I wonder if this will be my last winter in this place. I have stopped wondering about those things…each year that I have stated wanting to leave this place, I end up being stuck here. So no more energies left to ponder about that, but to focus on current plans and to make sure that goals are met.

Work has been keeping me busy, despite a low case count. This is the busiest I have been in a very long time…how interesting. In any case, a part of me will not miss being a social worker. I am tangled up in my own life to be tangled up in the deeper struggles of others. It can be draining…and this is something that I do not need at the moment. I need all the energies I can muster to continue to navigate life and address the challenges that will come my way…and challenges will come. But I am a strong person, and I hope that through these writings, someone will benefit. Even if it is just one person, then I have made a significant difference. This is the way that I like to think about things. No more time for negativity, it has drained me and deeply affected those around me. I no longer want to harm those people. I no longer want to harm myself. I no longer want to live the life of depression and anxiety. It was dark, bleak, and gray. But now, it’s time to see colors. Yes, difficult days will come, but it is up to my thoughts to decide how to react to those difficult days. It is also important to remember that things could always be so much worse, and that there are many across the globe who would love to trade places with me, even for a couple of hours. I am very fortunate for what I have, and thankful to the Universe for providing me with what I have today. Some may say that my existence was random, and even if they are correct, it still does not take away the fact that I am thankful for everything that I have in this life…for my family and friends that care about me and want me to be well. Yes, the Universe has blessed me. Even if tomorrow is time to return to the Earth, it does not take away the fact that I am lucky to have what I have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The end of October has come; tomorrow the people will continue their robotic, yearly routines. But I do enjoy being festive.

Today, B told me that he grew up and realized that everyone is selfish and that life is nothing but pain and suffering until you die. What nonsense! My reply was simple: Not really sure what kind of people he is surrounding himself with.
But everything is all about the perspective of life. I am very fortunate, even though there are many instances where those close to me drive me to insanity. But isn’t that in every household? We also forget that we drive others insane; did you think you were a perfect saint?

I went to Salem yesterday and it was a nightmare! Not because there were costumes everywhere, but because it was far too crowded. It would have been more fun to absorb the historical and cultural aspects of the place, rather than focusing on the consumerism. Sad! In every corner, people were too busy consuming their lives away…we simply think that we “have” to buy things. What good will that do? The satisfaction is only temporary. But in any case, the ride was too long for my taste…but at least the trip was enjoyed and with good company.

I did yoga again today after 4 days of not doing it. I keep forgetting how important it is to do, but I get so busy with daily life that I am just too tired at the end of the day. Still, I make every effort possible. I decided that I am going to live a positive life, and that includes trying to be away from my house as much as possible. I dislike coming home and being asked how my day was, etc. etc. Yes, I am grateful that there are people that care about me, but I just don’t want to talk to anyone. It’s bizarre. But I know that this is not the way that things have to be.

In any case, two more weeks until my job ends, and then vacation for two weeks. The election is sneaking up on us…trying not to think about it. Either way, life is not going to be magically fixed.

Excited for the Vermont trip next Saturday, but not excited to spend money. Trying to save money has become a thing of the past, for those of us who are not wealthy, so we have to try to make the best of things. All I know is that before the middle of next year, all of my loans will finally be paid off. The feeling of being debt free is going to be worth it in the end. Patience is very important. It can only get better after that, so they say. I have learned not to expect anything from life.

Feelings of dread have taken over me because of living in this place…it is so dead. And going 0ut of state yesterday only validated this feeling for me. It was so amazing to see the many corporate buildings along the way, yet, there is nothing here but “death and taxes” as my friend said this morning. Sad, but true. My boyfriend wants to move to Florida or California if the business he is working for expands. I sure hope so, but in any case, I have to focus on the present moment. Things could always change, like the direction of the wind.

More later, I suppose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I canceled therapy on Tuesday. She never called, but I did not leave her the opportunity in my message to call me back. Let the past bury its dead. I don’t want to go sit in a couch to talk about all of the negative things that are happening in my life, nor waste money on it. What for? Life is too short for that nonsense. Therapy fulfilled its purpose for me. I’ve felt great the last 3 days by keeping myself busy at work and remembering all of the good things that I have in life.

It’s true that her death has changed me forever, and I will never be the same person that I was before her passing. But this is a lesson in the journey of life. Every one has their own story. I submerge myself into doing the things that I love and leave the rest up to fate. What else is there to worry about? The key is to accept that we are never in control; we never were.

I should be annoyed at this new agency I am working for; I’ve had to chase their HR staff to ensure that all steps are being completed in order for me to start my employment on time. I could do a better job in fulfilling their duties and I have no experience. Sad!

A week and a half left until the election…I am so sick of waiting. All I want for it is to end on a good note, and for the evil to go away once and for all.

No work for the next three days; a well deserved break.

I feel that I am finally emerging for a dark period of my life; like the dawn arriving after a long, dark night. I leave the past behind and look forward, with hope, to the better things that life has to offer. This year was not the easiest, but I managed to get through it. This continues to prove to me that I am a good person.

Today was a good day. The rain came and went, but the fog settled in. K canceled Sunday’s Vermont trip; I will not waste my energy on her. I have been questioning my friendship with her for a long time. I think it’s time to silently let it drift away. I simply do not have time for people like her anymore. The older I get, the less time I have to invest.

The wonderful news is that I asked N to go November 5th and she agreed. This will be very exciting; the trees will be more in color and she has never been. It will be a lovely experience.

I still find myself going through moments of absolute despair and pain as my brain questions my feelings towards my boyfriend. I adore him so much, and I could never leave him. I care about him and want to take care of him. He is one of the most amazing guys I have ever met, and our bond becomes stronger when we have arguments. Things are going to be ok. I just need to stop thinking so much and let things flow naturally. It’s a wonderful thing when things ocurr naturally in life.

I am going back to therapy next week, but I am hoping that it does not last a long time. Either way, I will be in transition for jobs, and I will not be able to go because I will not have insurance.

The trip to DR cannot come soon enough; I cannot wait to bask in paradise for 10 days…yoga by the beach, swimming in the ocean. Heaven on Earth.

I am glad to be leaving my current job, but my co-workers are terribly sad that I am leaving. It must be so. It is time for me to move on to better things. I am looking forward to this new venture. I just hope that all of the paper work is completed on time.

The weekend is here, yoga and relaxation are the goals for this week. I have been lacking on yoga lately, but I have had a busy month.

More later…