You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘rant’ tag.

Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.

So basically, this is where I am at in life:

I, do not care anymore. I really don’t. I don’t care for this world, I don’t care for this society, I don’t care for this system, and I don’t care about the future of the world. We have all worked so hard and some of us were failed by the system that we have in place. The world has become too much; there are far too many people and not enough resources, let alone jobs, to sustain us all. So what happens? We become depressed. I have said these last 2 years that I could feel myself changing. I could feel myself changing internally and mentally; my thoughts were evolving. I have to admit that I have become a heartless and non-caring person. I still care, to some extent, but I am so jaded and tired of so many things that I really just come across as someone who is non caring. I have said many things over the past few years; so many words written and spoken. Sadly, I feel that this is the way that my mind is evolving. I have truly tried to change things for the better. Do people honestly think that I enjoy being the type of person that I am…no, let me rephrase that: Do people honestly think that I enjoy having these thoughts of negativity because the world has become such a hostile environment? And who are they kidding? This world was a hostile environment from day 1. People have tried to delude and hide themselves from the reality of things because the reality is that everything is too much to bear. They hide behind false emotions, false images of themselves, and buy things that they can’t afford in order to feel better for a couple days. This is a vicious cycle that is not going to end. Our human existence is so pathetic and TRULY meaningless, that we have created countless fairy tales to help us cope with its misery. I’d say that the Buddhists and Existentialists have the “correct” (I’d prefer to use the word “accurate”, instead) view of life. I don’t TRULY believe that anyone has ever had the “correct” view of life, nor will they. It’s part of this existence that we have created for ourselves. “Life is what you make of it,” they say, but they cannot ignore certain factors such as the fact that violence is on the rise, racism, sexism, and homophobia are alive and well, and the economy is not good enough to support all of us. I will never be a communist, but I truly don’t believe that this is the best system either.

All I am going to do right now is just focus on this job that I have, save enough money, and do a lot of research about where I want to go to next. But I will say this: I am done with snow, and I am done with the cold. I cannot bare another year of this any longer. I am going to go insane. I am proud of myself for actually being pro-active and trying to change my life situation. There are so many people that feel the same way, yet they do nothing but complain, complain, complain. Well, I worked hard to get this new opportunity. I can’t say I have worked hard, but I have managed to make slight advances. I am not where I want to be, but I am so thankful that I am not where I once was.

All I care about is that I tried, at least. I really did try to make it and be somebody in this world, then again, who ever said that you HAD to be somebody? If it wasn’t for these disgraceful student loans, I would be happy to convert to Buddhism and live in the mountains, away from this irreparable cesspool of society that we (yes, WE, because we keep blaming everyone except ourselves, but this is ALL our fault) have created.

All they do is advertise sex, but do they ever advertise stds? hiv? aids? No. Because that doesn’t sell. Because people think that they will never get them. But they can, and they will get if they keep going back to it. That’s how I feel. Regardless of what my status is, I am done. Why? Why would I be done? Isn’t being hiv positive something that will allow me to have sex with whoever I want without wearing condoms? No. I am done playing games. I am done putting my life on the line for 15 minutes of cheap, meaningless sex with someone I don’t know. Because when I sleep with someone, I sleep with everybody that they have slept with, and I sleep with everybody that has slept with everybody THEY have slept with. Get it? All that ever comes with hooking up, in my case, is drama. Nothing but drama. At the end of the day, there are assholes out there who only see other men as pieces of meat. No emotions, no feelings, no meaningful conversations, nothing. I am sick of feeling the rejection that comes with not hearing back from someone. They don’t even have the decency to tell you that they aren’t interested in you. But who am I to judge? I have done that too. I have stopped talking to people out of the blue. Maybe that’s my Karma to deal with, but I do feel that I have been on the receiving end more than I have been on the receptive one. But so be it. 

I’m so tired of gay men judging each other, denying and rejecting anyone who isn’t “masculine”. This pathetic society and culture that we live in worships abs and biceps, but they don’t worship intellect, creativity, or originality. Everyone has to look the same. These gay men are dividing the community even more. They are destroying it, and they will continue to destroy it. They look for satisfaction and approval in all the wrong places; grindr, jack’d, scruff, hornet…and others. Then there are people like me, who are lonely and isolated, and because of undying hopes, falsely think that we will find someone true using these addicting trash applications. We are looking for a prince in a sewer. Of all the men that I have interacted with on these filthy sex apps, only one has turned out to be decent, and he moved out of state. Everyone else looks for other headless torsos, who lie about their std/hiv statuses, for approval and attention. Everyone looks for drama; insulting those who reject them with “Well I didn’t want to talk to you anyway, you’re ugly.” What? The level of putrefaction that is being experienced in today’s world is something that is getting to me. People thrive off of filth. They will do and say anything to get a cheap blow job, or have unprotected sex because they simply think that “Oh it can’t happen to me.” They’ll do anything to thrive off drama, and continue to live the deranged, delusional life they live. Well enjoy it, because you are going to keep living it. But not I. 

There was an article on Huffpost about this matter, and it quoted: “It takes a real man to be a queen.” So to those gay men who discriminate against effeminated men, who are the BACKBONE of the gay community, know this: you will never be as manlier as the queens you reject and ridicule. 

It doesn’t matter if I’m a good person or not. Honestly. Bad shit happens to good people and it seems like the bad guys always get their way. I did everything I was told to do. I went to college. Busted my balls to study. Had no social life. Studied what I actually enjoyed studying. Did an internship. Volunteered. For what? I ask you. For what? The only jobs that try to recruit me are insurance sales which I KNOW for a fact is a shit “job” based on commission. And the only places I can apply to are shit minimum wage jobs. I have a fucking 4 year degree. I am 24. There are 18 year olds who are better off than me. Living on their own. I am educated unlike countless millions in this country and around the globe. Yes. It may not be the best degree. And yes, it doesn’t mean I’m the fucking best and better than everyone else. But I’ve been duped. I did everything they asked me to do and this is what happens? I can’t go out. I barely have friends left. When people want to see me I come up with excuses because I don’t wanna see them. I don’t wanna know how better off they are in the real world, and I don’t want them to ask me about my shitty fucking life. I’m a hermit. I deleted my facebook. I don’t care about anyone’s “perfect painted lives”. People I went to high school with are getting fucking married. Having kids. Moving to different states/countries. Having real jobs. And what am I doing? Oh that’s right. Still at home. Applying to fucking tj maxx because I need any money I can get to pay off my monthly school loans that were used to get a degree that can’t even land me a job that they told me I would get, because while I was getting my 4 and a half year degree to apply to your fucking position IN THE FIRST PLACE, you have the fucking nerve and AUDACITY to say that “this is an entry level position that requires at least 2-5 years of previous experience.” And I won’t get a masters. Why? Because it’s expensive, I don’t want to stay in this place, and god FORBID that when I graduate, you will tell me I am over qualified. I know people with master degrees that make $18.00 an hour being secretaries. Try to make sense out of that if you can. I am not grateful for anything. I don’t give a fuck. And no. Stop trying to tell me my problems ain’t real problems because other people around the world have it oh so much worse. Fuck that. Just because they have it worse doesn’t mean my problems should be devalued. They’re REAL to me. And I can’t fucking move on with my fucking life and it’s fucking eating away at me from the inside out. And don’t you dare say I’m victimizing myself. I’ve done everything I can to rise above this situation. I’m a fucking fighter. And I’ve fought against this current so much that I’m bruised all over. I know I’m not the only one in this situation. So yes. This is what it has come down to. This is what is happening to me and countless other people around the best country in the world that they call america. I’m done. Done. Just let me die already and make it fast. I can’t even smoke because if I get drug tested I’m fucked. The one fucking thing that made my life tolerable, I can’t even do anymore. This is reality. A reality that I deny by taking whiskey shots before bed time just so I could fall asleep and stay asleep through the night. Why? Because I have a better time asleep. Unconscious. You’re relieved when you wake up from a nightmare. But every morning I wake up INTO a nightmare; a nightmare I call my life.