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I feel dejected and empty inside. I don’t think my life is ideal. It feels like it’s all wrong and I am so dissatisfied with everything. My job doesn’t seem right; doesn’t pay enough and it’s tiring to deal with the problems of others, as well as managers. My relationship doesn’t seem right; he doesn’t like all of the things that I like and it feels like he makes no effort to compromise. My family life is wrong; I don’t have a relationship with my brother and it’s damaged with my parents because they have shown no interest in my relationship which has hurt it. My friend life is wrong; feeling lonelier as the weeks go by and I barely talk or see anyone. My home life is wrong; I have to move out because it is intolerable and awkward to live with my parents.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Have to take a break from smoking weed because that isn’t helping. And it’s hard with all of these things going on because it makes me want to take xanax, and this past week I took it twice. It has been a long time since that happened…can’t remember the last time xanax was taken. Everything just seems like a low key nightmare right now. Not sure if it’s because the focus is on all of the negative things, probably. After all of these years. Why can’t my brain stop doing this to me? And the racing inner thoughts and monologues…the worst part. I had to come here tonight to write about everything because there is no other outlet for this to be let out in. Been thinking about going back to therapy but money is always an issue…well, not entirely an issue but it’s still hard when saving up is the main goal. And to be honest, it will be predictable…all therapists care about is client retention because that’s more money for them.

There is no need to hear “it’s all up to you to change all of this,” because I don’t want to hear it. This is something that I already know. It’s difficult right now, especially with the financial situation. Next year, maybe after summer, I have to really try to look for something pays more. It is going to be hard work…but life is just going by so fast. Everything is so surreal, and it is really hard not to ask existential questions. We’re all just a ghost in a shell. Nothing makes sense anymore and it doesn’t seem like it ever did. Today, I uttered out loud; I hate everything. I feel depressed.

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I feel depressed today. That hasn’t happened in…I can’t remember. I feel a level of dissatisfaction with life, all of a sudden. It feels that my job, relationship, family life…everything, is just out of place.

Reading back on these entries, it is obvious that I have come a long, long way. But still, at the end of it all, just how much have I really changed? It still feels that there will never be a state of mind where everything satisfies me. Progress has been made in areas; job, no more depression, less anxiety, not worrying as much about things, realizing what is good and bad for me…so why do I feel this way?

People who are “woke”, as they like to call it, are more likely to be depressed. I think that this is just the most obvious statement that there is to make. Once someone realizes how messed up the world is, how messed up society is, and that the majority of humans are toxic and poison, it doesn’t feel very good to be living in this world. Priorities are all in the wrong; people are focused on the wrong things. There is so much hate, so much hate and just, so much evil. Evil. Forget being toxic, evil is the word.

So despite the improvement and stability in my life, just feels that nothing will ever be perfect. There will always be some complication. Yes this is just to be expected, really. I’m more depressed about the fact that nothing can be done to change the world and people. Maybe you will say that meeting people that are more like me is going to make things easier, but at the end of the day, they are still people. We still have to deal with their problems, the entanglement of their lives. Am I better without friends? Without a relationship? Without anything at all? Today I was thinking…if someone or something had asked me, prior to being born, if there was an option not to be born, would I take it? The answer is yes. I am tired of dealing with the misery. Tired of my mind, my overthinking, my heavy and sensitive emotions, and tired of being a part of a toxic world that abuses the people living in it. So yes, I wish that I was never a part of this indescribable and nonsensical life and world that we are all living in. And it brings me solace to know that I know for a fact that I am not the only person that is feeling like this. I am not the first, and I will certainly not be the last.

I am back after experiencing the horrors of the midwest. A desolate land this state of Wisconsin is. You could not pay my entire plane ticket and stay to go back, you simply can’t. No force on heaven or hell could get me back to that god forsaken land of flat misery.

The wedding was a disaster. The bride, ugly, of course. The guests were mostly simple ignorant white trash people from the midwest; no sense of fashion or style. The deplorables; whom I am sure voted for the tyrant in the white house. The food was cheap mexican and our table barely touched it. We managed to sneak in some chicken tenders and french fries. There was only one table of family for my brother, and the rest were the bride of hell’s family and friends. This was the most deplorable experience I have ever had in a while. Lots of judgmental stares from people to my boyfriend and I. Sick.
And the bride’s brother was a complete nazi, blonde hair and blue eyes included. What a sick, sad, psychopathic man. Never again in my life will I have contact with him. Never again in my life will I go to the midwest, unless it is Chicago of course. I regret to tell my brother that (god forbid) if he has any children and moves there, you can tell them that they have no uncle!

My mother was treated with the utmost disrespect by the bridezilla (which by the way, had a terrible case of acne in her back. Disgusting), and some of her family members as well. We predict that we will lose my brother to the basket of deplorables from the midwest. Maybe this is some cruel karma that is happening, but maybe it is just misfortune. Either way, I have no plans to be a part of their life. Nothing can make me be a part of their nasty marriage. None! This all may sound judgmental, but they have not been angels to us either. I am disgusted that this ugly cow face has my last name. It is a disgrace, and my brother has brought irreparable shame to the family name forever. In my life did I think that I would be going to Wisconsin to celebrate this rotten marriage. Well, some may say that I am not allowed to be judgmental because of my sexuality, but let’s all be clear on one thing: being gay is natural, it is not a choice. Marrying an ugly deplorable racist from the midwest who does not know what Chanel is and has a nose in the shape of a potato IS most definitely a choice.

We were told by one of my brother’s close friends (who was there from the beginning of their relationship up to now) that she has a questionable past of hate and racism. I was shocked to hear this. Well, no matter. You get what you pay for, as they say! Karma will one day come, sooner or later, in the form that life decides.

As for my relationship and I, a lot was suffered during this entire ordeal. We are so happy that this is all over, but it has left long lasting effects on us. We are trying our best to move past all of this. Last week was the most draining week of my entire life, and I am so happy it is over. But an omen; a feeling of despair lingers in the air. I have a very dark and bad feeling about this. The dark clouds gather once more. I am not sure what is going to happen, but I am willing to complete cut off contact with my brother. This will not teach him a lesson, because he is going to choose her and her family over us. But, at the end of the day, life will have its say and will find a way to rectify the wrong. To purify the tainted. But time will only tell if this is going to occur. Until then, all we can do is continue to plant seeds of success and take advantage of any situation that may present itself to us. This is a very painful journey, a journey of incredible injustice. There is no god in the sky to correct the wrong, but there is the energy of the Universe that will cycle itself through the evil and wrong. A cycle that could take many years to complete itself, but will occur nevertheless.

Still, I find myself in a nightmare that I don’t think there is waking up from. I only pray for the best outcome that could possibly happen. I think that at this point, I am going to completely isolate myself from my brother and that sick beast he just married. If there was ever a time when I understood how marriages can ruin families, this is the time indeed. I will say that both sides are at fault, but at the end of the day, it is still all a great injustice. A sick injustice that I only pray can see itself to a resolution that is favorable. Still, I am not optimistic. I fear that things may only get worse from this point on. I pray that I am wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What can I even say about today? How can I even try to put into words the torrent of fuckery that ensued on this humid summer day?

I found out that my boyfriend would not be allowed to sit with me for dinner during the reception at my brother’s wedding. And what for? We were told in the beginning by him that it would not be a problem, and that we would be sitting together the entire time. I wrote a thoughtful and honest message to him stating my grievances, but reminding him that I loved him and supported what made him happy no matter what. And can you believe that he responded saying he “understood” my concerns but that it was tradition not to have dates at the wedding party table? So I asked people who were married if this was the case, and they said that it was not! This is all another work of art perpetrated by his fiancé. Yes. R confirmed this for me after I told her what was happening. She knows little of the situation itself but was quick to give me that conclusion. And my boyfriend agreed too. Tomorrow I speak with E and will tell her…will not be surprised if she agrees and says the same thing! But leave it to the jesus freaks to be judgmental. She does not want a gay couple to be seen in photos of her special day. Well fuck her special day, and fuck that wedding. I spent an ungodly sum in traveling expenses when it could have been used to moving out. But it all went down the train to appease their selfishness. She can expect zero contact from me after this entire travesty is over with. To think that I was certain she had extended an olive branch by sending thank you cards for wedding gift and liking some of my photographs. I am such an imbecile for planning to extend it back and make peace with her. Well this was the last straw for me. I recognize that I am at guilt for not making an effort to get to know her and giving her a very cold shoulder, but one would think that since she is such a “sweet” catholic girl, that she would be the better person. Well let me laugh at anyone who thinks that. Fake. All fake it seems. Sad. The entire day was spent in conversation with my brother and my boyfriend about this subject and I nearly had a panic attack. I had no choice and went outside to walk and breathe fresh air. The conversation is still going on as I write this!

On top of that, I was ready to strangle my client today for her deplorable behavior. It is not my fault they are experiencing poverty. Do not dare to come at me and tell me how easy it is to get a paycheck when all I am doing is trying to help. Some poor people can be very bitter. None of this is my fault! I did not choose to have kids and be with a loser! I went to school, took out loans on my name, and traversed through hell to obtain my degree, which by the way, is not making me rich. So what is her grievance about? I will continue to be nothing but direct with her because I have to present myself as a person that plays no games. And I don’t!
It has been so busy that I barely had time for anything. I actually worked nearly 8 hours today; the thought of that! I could have had a heart attack from all the nonsense that happened. But the gym and eating helped. Much. I cannot smoke because it is affecting intimacy and I don’t want none of that. I do feel bad for lying about it, but at least it is not a major lie or infidelity. I would never in my life resort to that. Disloyalty! Never. But the stress is also partly to blame for this. I just can’t focus and have no energy to perform. I rather sleep.

I cannot wait for this week to be over…I cannot wait for next week to also be over. Once the wedding is done, I can focus on the real issues at hand. Tomorrow I find out how the sudden move I made yesterday results in. I just feel suspended in the air, floating by and not having any clear idea of what is going to happen. I had the urge to rage today, to scream and scream to let out all of the anger, but it just did not come out. It was channeled in a different way. Maybe this is just for the best as of now.

 

Today I ordered the first massive offensive against the debt that needs to be destroyed. It was a final minute decision, but once I saw the situation at its present form, I decided that there is no turning back at this point. This has been delayed since March; a monstrous delay in my opinion. So in a few days I will find out how much the total is applied to the actual amount due and I will base immediate decisions after that. There is no turning back from this.

The beach retreat to Cape Cod had to be moved to the middle to the end of the week, third week of August. Then another retreat to the coast of New Jersey the last week of August going into September. This will be a good time to rethink things and re-organize.
Next week I fly out to the midwest for the wedding, and I shall be glad when this is all over. It has been draining and stressful. The event has been plagued by guest cancelations but I say that this is the consequence of having an event in such short notice (less than 8 months) and having it in the middle of nowhere. I spent a fortune on travel expenses only to be there for a day! But at the same time, I know that both sides of this are being selfish. But I am happy at the end of the day for my brother, that is what he wants.

The world continues to spiral out of control, so I have decided to surround myself in a cloud of marijuana until further notice, but of course, this has to be done in moderation. I do not want things to be very obvious.

Work continues to be work, and nothing else. Drama here and there, but as long as I stay away from it, I will be unscathed.
This week is very busy with extra curricular non work related events; birthday event on Thursday at the theater and a birthday party at the lounge on Friday night. Well. These things don’t happen often so of course we are obliged to attend. And it will be a good distraction anyway.

Herr Doctor has contacted me for help with computer software. But it is I who will have to look up tutorials before I help. He has offered to pay me, to which I said “What nonsense!” but there was no convincing him otherwise. I have been thinking of how much I will miss him when he eventually departs…he is of age. It will break my heart. He has been a soul that I have been connected with for a very long time. A unique soul that understands me…and those are rare to find in this god forsake country, this god forsaken world.

Is there ever any salvation from it all?

Worst summer ever. Have only been to the beach once. And I can’t go during the week because of being a slave to capitalism. So I can’t do the things that I truly want to do. The weather on the weekends is also complete shit. Not happy about any of this right now and in an extremely bad mood.

Work was draining, people are so needy and I regret to inform them that I cannot save their lives. Sorry. I can only do so much to help, but at the end of the day, like I have said many times, this is their problem after all. We can’t save the world. Too much burden. Too many problems, too much suffering. No system is perfect to sustain life perfectly. There will always be problems and suffering and nothing can be done to stop it in the long run. Maybe prevention, sure, but nothing can truly be done to prevent people from going into misery. Poor souls.

So easy to let emotions get the best of me, but when I think about the fact that I have one life to live, spending it doing things that I don’t want to do only to “attempt to survive” is complete bullshit. So of course I am going to be angry. Who wouldn’t? I haven’t even been able to go to Vermont. This time last year, I’d already gone on two trips and the beach several times. This year, I have only gone once. Shitty summer. It’s not even that hot and there has been so much rain and clouds. I am so sick of living in new england. To hell with this fucking place. I realize that I am being extremely negative right now, but I don’t care. I need to let it out before it turns into something else. I’m sick of being bored on the fucking weekends too. This can’t be an enjoyable life. It’s fucking bullshit. Fuck this.

I really long for more in life. Truly. Trying to stay away from social media and talking a lot to other people. It just seems to me, seems that everyone is having much more fun. What happened to working full time? Do people just not have responsibilities? It’s interesting. Well maybe I am looking at the wrong people then, who aren’t there yet. Poor J was telling me the other day that he has not had a day off in more than two weeks. Deplorable. I should write to him to make sure he is okay.

June was boring. Nothing but rain and thunder. Few nice days here and there…but it was so hot, yes very hot. I should stop complaining though. It could be much worse. Much much worse.

Auntie was not going to the wedding because of marital problems (not my business), but I found out that yes, she will be going after all. It was stressing me out having to tell my boyfriend that it would only be my parents after all. That would have been so sad, nobody but your parents and your brother going to your wedding from your family. Well, stress averted. In less than a month all of this will finally be over. Yes.

Just wishing and longing for the day of moving out. Just need to make sure that everything is in order. I have come so far and have paved the way for this…it should have happened sooner, but I will take what I can get at this point.
Work continues to keep me busy, and the people continue to provide me with life experiences and new ways of seeing my life. Those poor souls, how they suffer. We live in an extremely unjust world. It’s very sickening; that’s why I don’t believe in a religious god. Although it’s very interesting that most of these people still believe in god and mention that their faith is what keeps them going. I am always amazed at this. But just because I don’t believe in something it does not mean that it is not real to someone else. I always make sure to respect others as long as no harm is being done by what they believe in. But that’s another story.

B has been needy ever since he broke up with his boyfriend, and sometimes he can just get too much…so I do my best to avoid him and not reply to his messages right away. But it’s interesting to note that he has been talking to me a lot more than usual now that he is single. Still, I just don’t want to see him right now. I did tell him that Friday I would be able to see him, but I honestly have to think about it. He can be very exhausting, and he has a tendency to flash his fortunes (new car, no school debt, moving away) to me. I am not sure if it is just to me, but still, it gets draining. And speaking of draining, I feel a headache coming.

I have a long day tomorrow…have to start the day at 8 o’clock and probably won’t be able to get back home until 5:30 in the evening. I don’t think I am going to the gym tomorrow, which is sad to me because I am trying to stay away from my house as much as I can. I love my parents but it just feels very awkward living here. Although today I was seriously wondering to myself how I am going to be able to live out on my own with all the bills that I am going to be paying. Well, people manage don’t they? Why can’t I? I am sure something will work out…I hope so. And being in a relationship is good too because in the end, one can have financial advantages once you are living with that person. No? It’s always interesting to think about. I just have to play it good and just make sure not to create any more tension. I can’t take it anymore. I am willing to sacrifice much for my mental health and stability.

I can’t write anymore I think I have to take my eyes off of the computer screen right now.

More later.

Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.

So basically, this is where I am at in life:

I, do not care anymore. I really don’t. I don’t care for this world, I don’t care for this society, I don’t care for this system, and I don’t care about the future of the world. We have all worked so hard and some of us were failed by the system that we have in place. The world has become too much; there are far too many people and not enough resources, let alone jobs, to sustain us all. So what happens? We become depressed. I have said these last 2 years that I could feel myself changing. I could feel myself changing internally and mentally; my thoughts were evolving. I have to admit that I have become a heartless and non-caring person. I still care, to some extent, but I am so jaded and tired of so many things that I really just come across as someone who is non caring. I have said many things over the past few years; so many words written and spoken. Sadly, I feel that this is the way that my mind is evolving. I have truly tried to change things for the better. Do people honestly think that I enjoy being the type of person that I am…no, let me rephrase that: Do people honestly think that I enjoy having these thoughts of negativity because the world has become such a hostile environment? And who are they kidding? This world was a hostile environment from day 1. People have tried to delude and hide themselves from the reality of things because the reality is that everything is too much to bear. They hide behind false emotions, false images of themselves, and buy things that they can’t afford in order to feel better for a couple days. This is a vicious cycle that is not going to end. Our human existence is so pathetic and TRULY meaningless, that we have created countless fairy tales to help us cope with its misery. I’d say that the Buddhists and Existentialists have the “correct” (I’d prefer to use the word “accurate”, instead) view of life. I don’t TRULY believe that anyone has ever had the “correct” view of life, nor will they. It’s part of this existence that we have created for ourselves. “Life is what you make of it,” they say, but they cannot ignore certain factors such as the fact that violence is on the rise, racism, sexism, and homophobia are alive and well, and the economy is not good enough to support all of us. I will never be a communist, but I truly don’t believe that this is the best system either.

All I am going to do right now is just focus on this job that I have, save enough money, and do a lot of research about where I want to go to next. But I will say this: I am done with snow, and I am done with the cold. I cannot bare another year of this any longer. I am going to go insane. I am proud of myself for actually being pro-active and trying to change my life situation. There are so many people that feel the same way, yet they do nothing but complain, complain, complain. Well, I worked hard to get this new opportunity. I can’t say I have worked hard, but I have managed to make slight advances. I am not where I want to be, but I am so thankful that I am not where I once was.

All I care about is that I tried, at least. I really did try to make it and be somebody in this world, then again, who ever said that you HAD to be somebody? If it wasn’t for these disgraceful student loans, I would be happy to convert to Buddhism and live in the mountains, away from this irreparable cesspool of society that we (yes, WE, because we keep blaming everyone except ourselves, but this is ALL our fault) have created.

All they do is advertise sex, but do they ever advertise stds? hiv? aids? No. Because that doesn’t sell. Because people think that they will never get them. But they can, and they will get if they keep going back to it. That’s how I feel. Regardless of what my status is, I am done. Why? Why would I be done? Isn’t being hiv positive something that will allow me to have sex with whoever I want without wearing condoms? No. I am done playing games. I am done putting my life on the line for 15 minutes of cheap, meaningless sex with someone I don’t know. Because when I sleep with someone, I sleep with everybody that they have slept with, and I sleep with everybody that has slept with everybody THEY have slept with. Get it? All that ever comes with hooking up, in my case, is drama. Nothing but drama. At the end of the day, there are assholes out there who only see other men as pieces of meat. No emotions, no feelings, no meaningful conversations, nothing. I am sick of feeling the rejection that comes with not hearing back from someone. They don’t even have the decency to tell you that they aren’t interested in you. But who am I to judge? I have done that too. I have stopped talking to people out of the blue. Maybe that’s my Karma to deal with, but I do feel that I have been on the receiving end more than I have been on the receptive one. But so be it. 

I’m so tired of gay men judging each other, denying and rejecting anyone who isn’t “masculine”. This pathetic society and culture that we live in worships abs and biceps, but they don’t worship intellect, creativity, or originality. Everyone has to look the same. These gay men are dividing the community even more. They are destroying it, and they will continue to destroy it. They look for satisfaction and approval in all the wrong places; grindr, jack’d, scruff, hornet…and others. Then there are people like me, who are lonely and isolated, and because of undying hopes, falsely think that we will find someone true using these addicting trash applications. We are looking for a prince in a sewer. Of all the men that I have interacted with on these filthy sex apps, only one has turned out to be decent, and he moved out of state. Everyone else looks for other headless torsos, who lie about their std/hiv statuses, for approval and attention. Everyone looks for drama; insulting those who reject them with “Well I didn’t want to talk to you anyway, you’re ugly.” What? The level of putrefaction that is being experienced in today’s world is something that is getting to me. People thrive off of filth. They will do and say anything to get a cheap blow job, or have unprotected sex because they simply think that “Oh it can’t happen to me.” They’ll do anything to thrive off drama, and continue to live the deranged, delusional life they live. Well enjoy it, because you are going to keep living it. But not I. 

There was an article on Huffpost about this matter, and it quoted: “It takes a real man to be a queen.” So to those gay men who discriminate against effeminated men, who are the BACKBONE of the gay community, know this: you will never be as manlier as the queens you reject and ridicule.