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I guess nobody has been reading these anymore in the past few weeks; but that is not the intent of these anyway. Who knows if they ever DID read them in the past.

It’s another week night and another day of wondering what direction my life is taking. I think that my relationship has taken a turn for the interesting “worse” if that’s even the right word I am using. He is a very good boyfriend, but I think that as a person, he does have a lot of things that he needs to work on. We all do, but I suspect that maybe he has some type of personality disorder. Then again, aren’t we all sick with weirdness? But in all seriousness, his type of personality is very different from mine. Is that something that I can deal with in the long run? I have learned a lot about myself, about life, and about relationships during the duration of this romance. Is it time to let go and find someone that is more suitable?
The most frustrating part is that basically, the last 6 or 8 years have been spent trying to connect with decent men, and nothing has been long term and successful. Yes, maybe it did not help that sex apps and websites were being used to meet these people, but it is sad to believe that not a single man has stuck around long enough for it to be called a genuine friendship. Forget relationships, not even a friendship has resulted from this. And then, the last year and a half was spent trying to also find someone interesting. Yes, I was looking in the wrong place, but even the men that were very similar to me in terms of hobbies, interests, and personality did not work out. Is that only because they wanted to have sex? Is it only because, after seeing that I wanted something deeper, it was not what they wanted? And yet, the person that I connected with instantly is very different from me. He does not see life 100% the same way as I do, and maybe nobody ever should see life 100% of the same way that someone else does. But still, it would be a lot easier if that percentage was that of a healthy amount.

I used to be very jaded, and maybe I still am on certain things. It’s easier to live in La La land and pretend that everything is going very well. And maybe things are going much better than they used to, but that perfection and idealism that everyone strives for is never going to come. Maybe going on vacation with him is going to be the last frontier; the last test to see if things will truly last. Some say that a year is a good trial period for any relationship. After the year goes by, the people involved start to ask themselves if this is something that they would be wanting to do for the long term. As of now, it kills me to say that there is a slight chance that this is not the relationship for me. It makes me angry to think about all of the men that I have met, all of the fiascos, drama, unpleasant moments, and nonsense that has been dealt with….and finally, along comes somebody that seems to understand and pick up on the qualities that I have identified as repelling many others in the past. So why is he still here? Why, after many times of saying otherwise, is he still staying? Maybe he suffers from what we all suffer from; thinking that this could be it, not wanting to be lonely…thinking that maybe there is nobody else out there for them. I admit that finding somebody with a good head on their shoulders is extremely difficult. Yes. Some say that it is the state that we are living in, but reports have revealed that others feel the same way out of state. So what else is there to seek? It is amazing to me that many men would act shocked at the revelation that I have a full time job and a car. But isn’t that a given? Isn’t that something that every sane, level person that has a vision for their life want? So many lost souls in this sea of darkness, and so much drug use taking place. It is very sad.

Anyway. There is a staff picnic tomorrow that is going to help me get my mind off of things. Today, a conference that got out early, so it was a nice break from the office. All I have is Friday and then the weekend. And the following week, I have to get through two days and then vacation.

But speaking of vacation, M has revealed some family tragedies and that it might disrupt the time that was planned. Prayers and thoughts to the family going through a difficult time. And when I say prayers, I do not mean religious prayers, but hopes of good will and fortune for a favorable outcome.

I saw SE yesterday; they say that there are about 3 weeks left before the end. But the caretakers think otherwise; much more time left. Still, it was a difficult visit. Not as difficult as initially predicted, but tough enough. It was hard to see a hospital bed in the room, and it was sad not to get a reaction after a “Hello” or the calling of a name. So this is how it all ends; devoid of reality, in a blissful sleep, awaiting the end. What else is there to do? I try my best not to think about these things, because they could trigger some thoughts that relate to the existential crisis of last year. That is not a good place to be in, and I do not want to go back to that place again. I worry immensely for future losses.

And today, there was some light depression in my head. A sense of not knowing what to do with my life. A sense of not knowing what to do and where to move to if my relationship ends. Make no mistake; I will be devastated if it does end, but life is much better if one seeks the meaning behind everything, as long as it is not causing madness.

I am a human, and like the rest of the world, I have no idea what I am doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I accidentally typed 8/7/117 and well, it might as well be the year 2117 because I feel like we are in a time warp. It has already been a week of August and today flew by. Just sad to think about. Does time not go at the same speed every day?

On Saturday, I made new projections on the budget and everything will be done late October. So much for having this debt war taken care of by March of this year. Many delays and inconveniences along the way, but after finishing the projects, there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. At least that is what we tell ourselves.

Mostly tired. Tired of the daily routine, endless tasks to be done, and bulk of useless information that has to be remembered for work. My relationship and work take a lot of my time. It’s just too much. I barely have time for myself anymore. This past weekend, I played video games for the first time in a long while. I stayed in Friday night and will continue to do so in order to save money. Except for upcoming vacations, there is nothing truly exciting going on. Although I try my absolute best to make the best of each and every single day. I was finally able to lay down around 9:30 tonight after running non stop all day. Adult life is awful, why do children wish they would grow up? To do what they want? Well, you can’t just do whatever you want when you are an adult, unless you are rich. And that is a fairytale for the 1%.

What I want is a vacation for myself, alone, in the mountains. Maybe that is something that I will do next year. Go far away into the northeast kingdom of Vermont for a few days and just forget about the entire world. That sounds like a dream.

Today was another cool day of rain, and summer continued to dwindle down. Sad. At this time, I’m just going along with the flow of things and not really caring for the bigger picture. Only the small things are to be controlled, but the bigger picture, that’s just up to the Universe.

SE is not doing well. They say it’s just a matter of time now…weeks maybe. I have not been able to visit because of being so busy. But a part of me does not want to see the inevitable. I want to have happy memories, not the memory of being in the final stage. I promised VK that I will try to make arrangements to visit next Monday. I am leaving Tuesday night for Cape Cod and Monday would be my only free night. I will not go to the gym next week, there just won’t be time or days to do so.

Life goes on, somehow, despite everything.

Tomorrow marks a week since I went to Vermont. It was a truly magnificent experience; I haven’t been since June of last year. The way of life up there is much more different than it is here. Everything is slower…people seem to be nicer, happier, and relaxed. Of course, that is not the way that things are in this dump. People are miserable, pathetic, and disgusting. Sad. But I won’t let that ruin me. Going to Vermont is like going to a whole other world. I wish that it was eternal summer…I would pack everything and move up there. Yes, I would be willing to leave my life behind and start new. The only problem is that I could not survive the Winters there. I already struggle with our mild Winters. And speaking of seasons, summer is coming to an end soon and I am already feeling dreadful about it. It was not long enough and it was gone much too soon…like everything in life. I am not going to get into that.

I continue to read my diary entries from yesteryears and I am so amazed at the transformations that I have gone through. Even though I am not finished yet (and I will be very sad when I do, these are just amazing and put a lot into perspective), I can see how far I have come. I can see how much my mind has changed. Today, I can say that for once, maybe since I was a child, I am very happy with my life. There are things that have not yet been achieved (moving out of state, living alone, paying off debt, etc.), but we are close to being debt free, and that will transition us into moving out in the coming months. Change is possible, and for me, things did get better. I realize that this is not the case for a lot of people. I remember asking: “How do you know that it gets better? You don’t know.”  And yes, we might not actually know that it gets better. Maybe that saying is for people whose lives DID get better, so they are allowed to tell others “It gets better,” but what they are really trying to say is, “It got better for me, so there is a possibility that it might get better for you.” I am one of the few lucky ones whose life really did get better. I count my blessings each and every single day. I am thankful for all of the positive changes and the stability that life has brought to me in the last year or so. Finally, finally, I can look back to these older diary entries and feel a sense of security, feel a sense of relief, that all of that pain, torture, and depression is so far away, that I am not able to see it in the rearview mirror. It’s like the giant mountain that slowly disappears out of view, so you shift your eyes and look forward, because there is nowhere else to look but ahead. I really am happy that this is how my life is turning out so far. Yes- there will be times of struggle and hardship; that is inevitable. But in the great scheme of life, there is nothing that I can complain about. Thank you life for all of the abundance. I am overjoyed. Positive changes are very possible, and for me, yes, it got better.

I am glad the week is over. It was busy and a little stressful at times, but we managed. I am also thankful that there is no more tension in my relationship. I had to cut J out completely because after stating that boundaries had to be respected, the message did not truly resonate, and so, I was left with no choice. This was the only choice; it was the right decision. This is something that I should have done a very long time ago. My naive spirit got the best of me, and I confess that I did not think that this would be a problem. Had there been hindsight, none of this would have happened. Just know that there was no harm intended on my part; no malicious or ill will plans. This was truly an honest mistake; which was accepted as being on our part, and it will provide a great and significant opportunity for self growth. It is better to learn about this now than to learn it later on in life. Yes, that is what life is all about, for some, learning lessons. But these lessons can only be learned through mistakes. The only downside is that my partner had to suffer and felt hurt by these mistakes. The positive side of this story is that this will never happen again, and that it is finally behind us both. Everything truly does happen for a reason, and if life dictated that J had to leave forever, then I accept what life has to teach me. It is important to always be open to change. It is important to embrace our errors, mistakes, mishaps, and to learn from them. It is pointless to beat ourselves up and focus on the feelings of dread that they might cause. What we need to do, and what we should have done a long time ago, is to take these mistakes and only focus on the positive, and on what each of these had to teach us. That way, they would not be committed again.

Not much going on this weekend. I am still struggling with the fact that my partner is not as active as I am. Everything else has finally fallen into place, and I truly feel that all of our hurdles are finally behind us. But at the end of the day, this is something that I cannot simply ignore. It bothers me, and I am trying to come around so that it does not bother me. Something can fix this, right? I do believe that there are solutions to these type of things. I am trying to find out how to exactly handle this situation…and the hope is that it can somehow be resolved. The best thing is to avoid conflict. However, at the end of the day, a part of me feels disappointed. Reading through these past entries, through the years, there is a common theme (among many), and that is to find something to have a connection with. The greatest irony of all, is that I have met men in the past that had very similar interests to mine, but there was never a true connection there. Perhaps with only two, but I drove them away. And still, the circumstances of life back then would not have allowed the relationship to work out. And now that I made an instant connection to someone, which has resulted into my first adult relationship, there are “problems” because he practically does not like to do anything. Only time will tell what is going to happen. I know that I would be devastated if things came to an end, but as my wise friend said to me recently, “Opposites attract, but do they stay together?”

It’s August. Today I enjoyed the scenery of the back country while going out to my visit, which was fruitless anyway because the client was not there. Although I did obtain some updates.
The more I am out in nature, the more I yearn and long to live in it. I wish I could own a house in the country; I would be the happiest person in the entire world. Will I ever be able to own a house?

The crickets are finally singing; took them long enough. It was a cold summer, and beach trips were minimal…which is sad, but I will try my best to make up for it during August and maybe the first few weeks of September. I hope.

Work is going well, but there are times when I want to strangle the project coordinator. That position is not needed and they ought to let this person go. They are useless and do not do their job; poisonous type of person. I just have to play along and pretend that I am on good terms with it all; a paycheck is easy there and to be honest, I do love the job. Maybe I will explore something similar in the future with the state, but something that pays more, obviously.

And speaking of finances, I was able to make another move against the wall of debt that will soon be shattered. Just a few more months and this will all be over once and for all. I cannot wait to eradicate it after all of these years…and to think that there are people who spend a lifetime paying these loans back. Well, not me. I have made this a priority sometime ago, not to reach the age of 30 and be with debt. Once that is over with, I am going to have to learn how to do severe budgeting because I will be looking to live out on my own. That is going to be an interesting transition, and I truly hope that it will be easy, because I cannot afford any type of instability in my life right now.

Relationship wise…it’s going. He says things like he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me, but I refrain from saying things like that back because, in my mind, I am not sure of what the outcome of things is going to be. But then again, does anyone ever truly know what is going to happen? Nobody does.

I am very upset because today, as soon as I get on the expressway, I missed an incredible opportunity to take picture and/or video of this amazing lighting that cut across the sky. I don’t think that I will be able to get over that moment. Yes, I am very happy that I was able to witness it, but at the same time, I am very sad because I was not able to capture it and share it with the world. A memory may last sometime, but a photo can last until the end of time. Think about that.

I remain optimistic about my life. I truly feel that, for once, things are going very smoothly overall. I try not to complain about everything and make the absolute best of each and every day. Work is picking up so that is keeping me very busy, which is great. My only complaint that I have at this time, is that summer was not as we planned it out to be. I think that life was making it a more low key summer since last summer we went out of our way to make the absolute best of it. And today, I was thinking that all of this was triggered by the passing of my friend. Her death was meaningful, and it taught me that I have to enjoy my life to the fullest extent. Yes, many people may see life as meaningless, but I truly disagree with every single one of them. It is pure happiness, not delusion, to find meaning in every single corner of our lives. I am happier this way. So today, I concluded that, although her death was tragic and set off the worst existential crisis of all time, it gave me a new reason to live. It made me enjoy life and take all of my blessings to heart, and not for granted. This was the lesson that her passing taught me; this was the meaning that her death brought upon me.

Vacations are coming soon, and I should be very glad to finally take some time to relax and enjoy the ocean. I will not be planning on going back on vacation until March. I have to work and make sure that I accumulate enough vacation hours for a week off in March, and I should still have some left over in case I want to go somewhere else. But again, it all depends on finances. I was able to obtain free plane tickets through my credit card. That will save a lot of money.

Until later.

What can I even say about today? How can I even try to put into words the torrent of fuckery that ensued on this humid summer day?

I found out that my boyfriend would not be allowed to sit with me for dinner during the reception at my brother’s wedding. And what for? We were told in the beginning by him that it would not be a problem, and that we would be sitting together the entire time. I wrote a thoughtful and honest message to him stating my grievances, but reminding him that I loved him and supported what made him happy no matter what. And can you believe that he responded saying he “understood” my concerns but that it was tradition not to have dates at the wedding party table? So I asked people who were married if this was the case, and they said that it was not! This is all another work of art perpetrated by his fiancé. Yes. R confirmed this for me after I told her what was happening. She knows little of the situation itself but was quick to give me that conclusion. And my boyfriend agreed too. Tomorrow I speak with E and will tell her…will not be surprised if she agrees and says the same thing! But leave it to the jesus freaks to be judgmental. She does not want a gay couple to be seen in photos of her special day. Well fuck her special day, and fuck that wedding. I spent an ungodly sum in traveling expenses when it could have been used to moving out. But it all went down the train to appease their selfishness. She can expect zero contact from me after this entire travesty is over with. To think that I was certain she had extended an olive branch by sending thank you cards for wedding gift and liking some of my photographs. I am such an imbecile for planning to extend it back and make peace with her. Well this was the last straw for me. I recognize that I am at guilt for not making an effort to get to know her and giving her a very cold shoulder, but one would think that since she is such a “sweet” catholic girl, that she would be the better person. Well let me laugh at anyone who thinks that. Fake. All fake it seems. Sad. The entire day was spent in conversation with my brother and my boyfriend about this subject and I nearly had a panic attack. I had no choice and went outside to walk and breathe fresh air. The conversation is still going on as I write this!

On top of that, I was ready to strangle my client today for her deplorable behavior. It is not my fault they are experiencing poverty. Do not dare to come at me and tell me how easy it is to get a paycheck when all I am doing is trying to help. Some poor people can be very bitter. None of this is my fault! I did not choose to have kids and be with a loser! I went to school, took out loans on my name, and traversed through hell to obtain my degree, which by the way, is not making me rich. So what is her grievance about? I will continue to be nothing but direct with her because I have to present myself as a person that plays no games. And I don’t!
It has been so busy that I barely had time for anything. I actually worked nearly 8 hours today; the thought of that! I could have had a heart attack from all the nonsense that happened. But the gym and eating helped. Much. I cannot smoke because it is affecting intimacy and I don’t want none of that. I do feel bad for lying about it, but at least it is not a major lie or infidelity. I would never in my life resort to that. Disloyalty! Never. But the stress is also partly to blame for this. I just can’t focus and have no energy to perform. I rather sleep.

I cannot wait for this week to be over…I cannot wait for next week to also be over. Once the wedding is done, I can focus on the real issues at hand. Tomorrow I find out how the sudden move I made yesterday results in. I just feel suspended in the air, floating by and not having any clear idea of what is going to happen. I had the urge to rage today, to scream and scream to let out all of the anger, but it just did not come out. It was channeled in a different way. Maybe this is just for the best as of now.

 

Worst summer ever. Have only been to the beach once. And I can’t go during the week because of being a slave to capitalism. So I can’t do the things that I truly want to do. The weather on the weekends is also complete shit. Not happy about any of this right now and in an extremely bad mood.

Work was draining, people are so needy and I regret to inform them that I cannot save their lives. Sorry. I can only do so much to help, but at the end of the day, like I have said many times, this is their problem after all. We can’t save the world. Too much burden. Too many problems, too much suffering. No system is perfect to sustain life perfectly. There will always be problems and suffering and nothing can be done to stop it in the long run. Maybe prevention, sure, but nothing can truly be done to prevent people from going into misery. Poor souls.

So easy to let emotions get the best of me, but when I think about the fact that I have one life to live, spending it doing things that I don’t want to do only to “attempt to survive” is complete bullshit. So of course I am going to be angry. Who wouldn’t? I haven’t even been able to go to Vermont. This time last year, I’d already gone on two trips and the beach several times. This year, I have only gone once. Shitty summer. It’s not even that hot and there has been so much rain and clouds. I am so sick of living in new england. To hell with this fucking place. I realize that I am being extremely negative right now, but I don’t care. I need to let it out before it turns into something else. I’m sick of being bored on the fucking weekends too. This can’t be an enjoyable life. It’s fucking bullshit. Fuck this.

I feel like a piece of shit. I think I’m just finding reasons to get myself sad…like focusing on the things I wish my bf had that he doesn’t. More of like the things I wish he did is more like it. I love him and care about him a great deal…he is the only guy who has ever stuck around. But here I am just thinking bad things, and wishing that he was somehow more like me when I know that it is never going to happen. So I either have to be okay with it or move on. These are real thoughts that are going through my head. Our relationship goes up and down. I know that no relationship, no matter how similar a person is to you, is easy. There will always be more ups and downs, but I wish that we had more ups rather than downs. I am doing my best to make things work and to make situations better; I am learning, being patient, trying to do my best to avoid situations. I think that I just don’t know how to be in a relationship. There are things I have done which are not appropriate….some I knew weren’t and some I know were. It’s a learning process. I am not sure why I miss hooking up so much if it never spiritually fulfilled me at the end of the day. The thrill of random sex was wild and exciting. A true rush. But I knew that these people never cared about me and my well being. My safety. My mind and heart. At the rate I was going, I am sure I would have gotten hurt. At times, I would embrace these men and pretend, just for a few seconds, that they were my boyfriend. I think I am fucked up beyond repair. It’s not to say that I have no self esteem or think negatively, but I just think that I am too weird, too strange for the world. But isn’t everyone this way?

He has said that maybe I should find someone more like me. Well, I was with someone who was more like me. He still had things that I didn’t like about him, and the reason it ended was because I was too negative. But even if I wasn’t, it would not have worked. He had different life plans and nothing was certain for me.

I just feel like…after meeting guys and going through a lot of drama, I finally find someone that takes me for ME, and here I am looking for the things that I don’t like about him or our relationship to make me unhappy. I hate myself for doing this. I’m a mental masochist and I just want it to stop. I really do.

I smoked some weed and I feel fine. I went to see the waterfalls and was gone an hour and a half from work. What a privilege to be honest. This certainly doesn’t happen to anyone…I need to count my blessings. It’s essential.

After that, I went to have ice cream with my friend and then I went to the gym. The rain was coming down hard at one point…I was sitting in the chairs waiting for it to get better. There was a guy who was jacked and decided to take his shirt off and run to his car. Ugh. Amazing. I definitely feel that I miss being able to sleep with whoever I want. I have to remember that such life brings nothing but drama, deceit, and potentially doom. At the rate that I was going, something bad could have happened to me. That I know. But he came to rescue me at the right time. It’s amazing and funny how life works. But still. I think that the reason I binge watch porn sometimes is because I am living my whore life through the porn. I just don’t want to be always watching it. It’s gone down to twice a week now, which is not bad at all. I have to watch it. I really do. I don’t want anything to become a bad habit. It’s controlled now and I’m very glad.

Anyway. Another weekend of rain. But next weekend will be good, so I have to decide if I want to go to the beach or Vermont. Time will tell.

I’m glad another week is finally over. I finished all of my work and have nothing really outstanding. Fridays are usually my days to get everything done that I have during the week.

I really hope that my patience of paying off school pays off soon. I have been very patient…maybe for too long. But there is nothing more important to me than to pay off this debt and never have to worry about it again.

More later. I thought that tomorrow would be the last day of the month, but it is today. Tomorrow is July…and that is another month that has gone and brings us closer to Winter…the end of the year…and the eventual end. It’s bothersome. It really is. So I guess just cherish every single second. Although I will always believe, no matter what anyone tells me, that there has GOT to be something behind all of this existence and Universe. Beyond comprehension, but I believe that there is really something more than meets the eye.  I could complain about how boring my life is or count the blessings and accept them for who they are. I have a relatively very easy life, and for that I am forever grateful.

Staying away from everything lately. The news is pathetic and depressing. This country is fucked. Fucked in the head. Full of people fucked in the head with no compassion and full of ignorance. Disgusting.

Long day today. Not sure what’s going on during weekend, more bad weather as usual. Not sure about the holiday. I try to stay away because there are crowds everywhere and I hate people.

Saw two rabbits today in the front lawn and a nest is made but it is empty right now. Maybe the mother is getting ready to have the babies. Very precious. That’s it today. I’m tired.

Just feels like I’m not real. Nothing in this life or experience is real. I want to run away from everything forever. I don’t want to deal with the daily bullshit of life anymore. No matter how “perfect” my life may seem like, there will always be bullshit to deal with. I don’t want to be negative, I don’t want to dwell on the bad things, what good will it do? It won’t do good. I can’t focus on it anymore. But I can’t hide from something that is bothering me. I have to let it out because it will eat me inside if I don’t.

Do I obsess a lot about doing activities all the time? I wasn’t always like this, but when my friend died last year, I realized how I wasn’t really living my life. So I planned more and more things to keep myself busy, have new experiences, and get to know the world across the borders of the place I live in. I was never like this, although I did wish I could do more with my life. I don’t want to live in regret at the end of the day, wishing that I had done more with my life. Sure money can be a barrier at times, but there are ways around it right? I’m over society. I want to research why things are so difficult now. Underneath all the superficial shit we see every single day, there are a lot of problems going on that people hide and don’t broadcast. If you think I’m lying, get a job as a social worker or case manager and you will see what I mean. On the surface, things seem fine, but there is always a story. No matter how rich or poor. No matter how much someone smiles or frowns. Everything on the surface is a lie. I’m just tired of the way things are…tired of the way the world is run by the rich, powerful people that only care about themselves.

That’s why I wanted to isolate myself from everything. And everyone. But isolating myself from people didn’t work too well. I needed interactions to be healthy. That’s why a part of me doesn’t want to move to the mountains in Vermont if I was single. I know that at the end of the day I would need contact with other people. I just wish things were different. My friend told me that they were probably moving to Florida and I just lost it inside. I became depressed and sad that I am stuck in this shit. Yes I really am stuck. I haven’t finished paying for school. I don’t live on my own yet, and I have to finish the year at my job because I really want to leave (whenever that will be) with a good impression and besides, I need the references. But I have a boyfriend now and that is another reason I can’t just pick up and go. Would it be really shallow of me to end the relationship because I am not happy here? One thing that I have learned is that happiness is not a pursuit that lies in another place; it lies within. I could move across the world and still experience the same demons that I experience here. That’s because the demons live inside of me. But really…would it be not prudent to end a relationship because I want to move somewhere else? What if I don’t end up liking the type of men that live there? I honestly don’t really trust people anymore. The only reason that I trust my current boyfriend now, I guess it’s because a part of me, deep inside, really believes him when he said that he wasn’t like other guys. Still, it’s hard to be with him sometimes because he does not share the same spirit of adventure that I do. And believe me, I don’t want to engage in anything crazy either. I don’t want to rock climb or sky dive, but I want to have pleasant trips here and there. I love him so much. It would devastate me if I lost him…but how much is enough? I guess couples don’t do everything together. Do they? What is the point of a relationship? This is something that we made up. Like everything in this world that is made up…life is made up. I really do know that he is different than many guys I have met through the years. Looking back through my entries the last 7 years, one of the common themes in those entries is the desire to have a boyfriend. And now that we have one, he is not ideal for me. I admit it. He isn’t. But is anything ever perfect? Is anything ever ideal? My dad told me we will always seek for that perfection that does not exist. I am sure that to him, I am also not perfect. I am sure that there are things about me that he wishes I had but I don’t. Isn’t that human nature? Never to be satisfied with anything? Is that why the rich people only want more money even after they have it all? But this doesn’t mean that I have to be ungrateful. I don’t want to be ungrateful. I want to be grateful of things that I have. And I really should practice gratitude more often. I admit of being guilty of not doing so. It just gets so hard sometimes…seeing everyone move on to bigger and better things. Well, not everyone, but a lot of people. This is another reason why I keep to myself at times, and do not have a large group of friends. It’s because I know that as humans, we can’t help but to compare our lives to those of others. So the less people I know, the less probability of that happening. That’s another reason why I deleted Facebook and have never looked back since. Still, it’s hard for things like this not to seep through on instagram, which, I don’t have a lot of friends on that one either.

I still want to run away from everything forever. I don’t think that I was meant for this world. I try so hard not to think about my life or my existence because I know that the end result will be insanity and panic attacks. So I just try to keep my mind off of it by doing other stuff instead. But my mind has this fucking tendency to wonder and it’s really fucking annoying as fuck. It has gotten a bit better over time, but still, I suffer from this. And I just can’t help it. My mind is really its own thing, a separate thing from my wishes and desires. I don’t want my mind to run me, but I also have to pay attention to my needs too.

I am not going out tonight at all, once more. I don’t want to spend money that I am supposed to be setting aside to finish paying school and moving out. It’s whatever. This is the life that I was dealt. I am not asking for pity. I am not writing this to express ingratitude. I am writing this because this is one of my few outlets and god knows I would go crazy without writing. I am glad that I am getting back to doing so. I love typing so much and it just feels very therapeutic to get everyone out while listening to the sounds of the keyboard at the same time. There is something very calming about this. Technology…it owns us now. I suppose people of the past did well with hand writing, but this is so much faster and it does not tire out my hands. Anyway, I am just going off on a random rant. See? My mind wondering again even when I type. Absurd.

I just feel myself going into depression. Like I feel depressed right now. And it’s just dissatisfaction with life. It’s so hard for me to be like…so hard for me to be grateful. But why? What has to happen for me to change that? Always focusing on what I don’t have and on what could be better. But I’m just impatient. And today I was talking to my other friend and told her “I don’t know about life,” and she just said “I’m just floating,” and I just realized that I am too. Most of us are floating by because things already are as difficult as they are. I know that sitting in darkness in my room isn’t the best of things…and I probably should have gone to the gym today, but like. I didn’t. I want to change my life but I just don’t know how. And I see people going for what they want and I’m just sitting here doing what I THINK is the best thing for me, but I can’t help to compare at the end of the day. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to do that anymore…but it feels like an automatic action at this fucking point. I just want to sleep. I slept a lot last night and was disappointed when I woke up, because I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to keep sleeping and sleeping. And I didn’t even want to go to fucking work today. Thank god that my only visit canceled for the day because I just wasn’t in the fucking mood for that shit. Life listened to my prayers today. Whatever.

Until later.