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Another day gone by. Was busy at work so at least that kept me happy. I am now dealing with another crazy that talks too much…but really, poor broken souls. Yet they continue to believe in god and have faith…despite all the horrors they have been through. I think that certainly speaks for itself; perhaps this is what true faith is about. I leave those problems in their living room tables; after all, they are not my problems. I only help navigate through them. I do love my job, I am lucky to say so. I know what it is like to have a job you hate. One of the worst feelings.

I continued to obsess over political news today. I know that it is not good for me, but the obsession wouldn’t stop. I’m just in disbelief about the things that are happening in this country right now. These so called leaders are so blatantly hateful and ignorant…and people still vote for them. What is happening to the world? What fucked up reality is this? I have to develop a plan to truly stay away from everything. I can’t carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, nobody can. I already deal with enough at work. And speaking of burden, I was thinking about my life earlier today. I have to be thankful because I have a relatively easy life. I am free of major stressors and at least have a quality of life where I am. When I think about moving out soon, in the next 6 months or so, I know that it will be a struggle. This is why proper arrangements have to be made.

The weather is finally cooperating and today is the first day of summer. I think that a trip to the beach on Saturday is going to rejuvenate me so much. Yes.

For now, I have to think about the plan that is going to be developed and put in place to avoid the outside world. I have said this many times, but it is the only way to preserve the little bit of peace and sanity that we have left. “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” I am going to live by this motto for as long as I can.

Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.

It will be a year tomorrow since she left this world. It’s weird to think about…what have I exactly done in that year? Life seems like a blur when it’s thought about…so many things have happened, but that phone call seems as if it happened just last month. But alas, it will be a year tomorrow. The plan is to have a normal day; go about work routines, get home, and get ready for Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend. Of course I am going to be thinking of her tomorrow, more than ever. I’m not sure that there has been a day that I did not think about her since she left this world. There may have been a few days here and there where she was completely off my mind…and when I think about the question of “What have you learned since? How have things changed since that day?”, the answer that comes to mind is that, although the existential crisis continued all through most of the year, life was lived to the fullest. Went on road trips, took another vacation, experimented sexually like never before, did not take any day for granted, and inhaled every single experience that I was able to create. That is her parting gift to me; that life is to be enjoyed with its fullest potential. Yes, fragments of the crisis still linger, but I have come out of this stage of my life stronger and with a deeper appreciation for experiences. The need for material possessions has vastly diminished. More emphasis has been placed on food, traveling, nature, peace, yoga, family, and friends.

It is a certainty that a range of emotions are going to be flowing through me tomorrow, but this is only normal. My anxiety over Valentine day’s dinner does not help the ocasion. In the end, everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow, frankly speaking, will just be another day. Thank you for making me learn that the lesson from your passing was to enjoy life to its fullest. Rest in peace, and let me be at peace.

Things are taking a turn down the “What is happening?” lane. Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while…and the weekends? It’s very painful to recall the events. My boyfriend and I nearly broke up…and I felt so much pain and hurt…emotions that I hadn’t felt since my friend passed away last Valentine’s day. Fortunately, we were able to resolve our isues. Still, it was stressful and not pleasant.

Snow has finally begun to fall as it should during winter…although, we still have been having a “dry” season for a lack of better word. No matter how much I may detest the cold, I will never cease to enjoy the wintry sceneries after snow falls. Last night, after getting home, I stood outside for quite some time admiring the peace, stillness, and calm. Small snowflakes began to fall, and I deeply admired the white landscape in the cold, dark night. Moments such as these are precious and at times, rare. The hustle and bustle of life continues, but one must make sure to find oneself immersed in these moments of complete calm and stillness. That is one of the very few escapes that we have left from the turmoil of the world.

There is a rule that I have always put in place for myself: Never go back to previous jobs. Yet, here I find myself going for a meeting next Friday to plead my case and hope that they take me back. The situation at my current job has become unbearable. Hostile supervisors, unhappy co-workers, unrealistic expectations, broken operation systems, and maniacal agency leaders. This is not a place where I am going to be happy. Sure, I was not 100% happy at my previous job (are we ever?), but in contrast, it was a much better fit for me. The life and work balance was an aspect that I took for granted. I am going to do everything possible to make sure that they take me back. Wondering down the road of any other possibility is certainly not an option, and will not be considered.

This weekend is going to be my escape from the hell that is endured during the work week. But soon, it will be different…and so I pray. I continue to learn about life and people as I get older.

I did not go to my friend’s memorial. I suspect that my friend is highly annoyed with my decision not to go…but I stand by this decision and it was the best course of action. I did not want to relive any memories after having had a difficult week; and that is my right. I have not heard from her for an entire week. Some are saying that this is not a true friend. I concur; and so do my dreams. Last night, a dream took place in which a heated telephone call between us took place. It seemed very real…perhaps a projection of the future? Nevertheless, I will wait for contact.

Eagerly awaiting the end of the month; will be back to steady financial gains and no significant debts to be paid. After that, it should be a smooth journey into Spring, Summer, and to achieve my goals of eradicating debt completely from my name. The future looks exciting, but as always, uncertain.

I have been in a slightly better mood. This past week, our boss decided to act like a complete bitch. What ensured was constant complaining from other staff…non stop. It was horrible; they would not shut up about it. All I did was to listen. If a bomb were to drop regarding this, I know that I would not only have a clear conscience, but know that I did not partake in the festivities of bad mouthing her.

The weekend was fun; spent it with my boyfriend and we had a great time together. Now, another work week begins tomorrow. I confessed to him that I did not like my job…I was not going to lie to him when he asked me if I did. However, the main focus right now is money. There will always be better opportunities in the future.

Confidence grows that there is a chance that life can get better. There will always be struggles and obstacles, but it is up to us to figure out a way to make it through those obstacles and to become better people. Thanks to my boyfriend, I am a more positive person. There are times when depression returns, and some days are difficult, but everyone has days like that. It is OK. As long as there are friends and family as a support system, things can improve greatly.

More to follow…not much else is new because the routine that is being lived week by week brings nothing new to write about. This could very well be a blessing for quite sometime.

In the past week, my eye have been opened wider. As I get older and the years go by, my eye lids become wider. And at the same time, the ultimate cosmic joke is being played on me. It is too real to be a coincidence…too satirical. You see, I used to act like an elitist, even though I am not, and criticize my brother’s girlfriend for numerous reasons. These reasons are not relevant and will not be discussed in detail, but let it be stated that most of them revolved around the fact that she is different in the way my family is, dresses, and her lack of sophistication. Now, I have a boyfriend who almost fits into that same criteria. Without going into details, I have learned that my parents are stuck in their old ways, and that, at this age, they will not change. They may perhaps, tolerate things, but will never be fully accepting. Isn’t that typical of foreign parents? In any case, they cannot and will not fully come to terms with my sexuality. Let it be.
At the same time, I have come to realize that what lies within is the most important aspect of all. The way a person treats you cannot be put a price. I still retain basic values, and as long as we work together to do things that both enjoy, it will be worth it to me. My hope is that, in time, we will rub off on each other and that the relationship will be successful. The future cannot be controlled, but the present can be. And I am doing everything in my power to try and cultivate a better future by acting in the present time. There will always be aspirations, and there will always be a hope that Karma is going to resolve the situations that are out of our control.
I will always love my parents, but I do not agree with all of the grief that they have put their two children through when it comes to following cultural norms. That era is dead…we live in a different country now. Things have changed. They had a chance to live their life (a good one, all things considered), but now, it is time to let their two children live theirs. I will continue to place high importance on both sides; my family and my partner. I will do everything that I can in order to satisfy the emotional and social needs of both; but I cannot promise one or the other that this will always be the case. As long as both parties are understanding of each other’s needs…

I am debating on whether to do a yearly address tomorrow. Before this horrible year comes to a close…maybe it would be beneficial to let it all out, once and for all, collectively, and never look back.

 

 

 

The year is almost over…my annual reflection address will soon be written. Drama has already taken place at my new job, albeit insignificant. Humanity continues to implode…the barbarism in full force until the bitter end. The deplorable king will tale office soon; but I suspect a disastrous term. Perhaps this will be the last time that this is mentioned on this blog…unless a course altering event eliminates the mandate.

Winter is bitter and dark; the sun seldom makes an appearance. As the holidays fast approach, sentiments loom over the many changes that unfoled this year. I am doing my very best to accomodate all; and grace them with my presence (friends, family, and my significant other).

The plan for 2017: continue to save up as much as possible, and look for a place to live on my own after the Fall ends. This will allow for a substantial amount to be secured. They say that a good way to make life laugh is to make plans…but what else is there left to do? I try my best to stay occupied, to maintain my brain active…yoga and cognitive puzzles are a blessings. Further, there isn’t a single day that goes by in which music is not a part of daily life.

Sent a couple of holiday cards last week…gratitude has come back to knock on my door, and it will continue to do so, as long as it continues to be shared.

Let us be kind to one another, and remember that there are many across the world who have nobody, and have lost everything. Even if one may not be religious, let us pray and send our most pure and sincere positive energies to the many who are suffering. May they find a light at the end of the tunnel.

In slighty better spirits today. I apologize for being so negative and cynical; how can I not be in the type of world that we are living in? There are good people out there; that is a certainty. The news should focus more on the good and not on the bad…why is it that people thrive off of misery and sadness? Is it because it is easier to feel that way than to feel happy? Is it because the news knows that people won’t buy or think that positive, uplifting stories are worth their time? Has anyone noticed that the news will only have a small segment of positivity once in a blue moon?

The world needs to be a better place; we need to be better people. We have to stand up and fight for noble causes.

I thought about making a list of all the good things that there are in my life, and reading it every single morning when I wake up. Somehow, I have to condition my brain to think positive. I remember doing this, once, during my college years. It was the happiest I was in a very long time. That is evidence that positive thinking is possible, and that it is possible to be happy from doing it.

As the year comes to a close, I have to be thankful that I survived 2016. It was, perhaps, the most eventful year of my life. It was, some say, an extremely eventful year for the world. For me, it was both good and bad. It was a year of transformation and deep awakening.

I am running out of things to say. What am I supposed to do? Blog for the rest of my life? And say what? The same shit as always? I’m anxious. I’m semi depressed. I hate living at home. I’m 27 and feel like a failure because I’m not independent. I wish I could travel more. I want more out of life. I’m going to die one day. My thoughts torment me. I am too negative. I am sabotaging my relationship for superficial reasons. I have no idea what I am doing with my life.

That’s been the same shit the last 8 years now. Some people are so keen on spreading the hopeful message that “It gets better,” but it does not. It just gets easier to cope with…even still. Those people are able to say that because for them, things did get better. But for some of us, things will never get better. We are slaves to our thoughts, our emotions, our mental health illnesses. I rent and truly loathe those people who are wealthy for no particular reason; the athletes who do absolutely nothing to contribute to the benefit of mankind, only to end up the richest people in the world. An example of how worthless, unfair, and lost this planet is. Why try to change the world? Not only does it not pay, but it does absolutely nothing. Someone or something will come and change it back. Ask Obama and Trump about that.

I don’t know why my brain is the way it is. I looked into the mirror this evening, say myself, and thought that “It’s not you as a person that is fucked up, it is your thoughts, your mind.” But aren’t I my mind? Aren’t I my thoughts? I lay in cold darkness on the floor of my bedroom, wishing some benevolent force would take me away. But it didn’t. Isn’t that a beautiful metaphor? When we, pathetic humans, lay on the floor, in sadness, lamenting everything, wishing we would be dead already? Nothing in the Universe makes sense. Nothing has ever made sense, and nothing will ever make sense.

So what am I doing with my life? I feel like I am wasting it; wasting it in this insignificant town, being forced to make decisions about my uncertain future. Meanwhile, outside these imaginary state lines, billions of people await to be met, many places await to be visited. And I am unable to do this because I am a slave to the debt of an educational entity that its only purpose serves to deceive people into thinking that if you invest in them, they will make you more marketable and prosperous. I am a slave to a green piece of paper that has more value than the life of a person, a tree, another animal, a flower, a precious gem, and just about everything else that exists in this world. Welcome, everyone. Welcome to the world that we have created. You sit and moan, complain, cry, rage, and commit suicide over the status quo, without realizing that we, ourselves, have contributed, are contributing, to the slow but certain downfall of mankind. And perhaps this should be so. I am tired of the insanity. For me, everything is so much easier when I am on xanax. For once, my thoughts go away. For once, all I do is breathe, and nothing else seems to matter. As they say, life is so much easier when we are numb. And this is nothing short of the truth. I hope that you all look at this not with cynicism, but with a third eye, because this is the truth. These are no the random ramblings of someone who is frustrated with his life, they are the reflections of a human who is deeply affected by the constructs of society. Not even yoga can help me calm my thoughts; no matter what I do or what I try to concentrate in, these thoughts go rampant. Is this what is in store for me until I am dead? I try to change things, but it feels like I have no energy. And then, I am reminded that I don’t drive my dream car, live in my dream home, vacation in my dream place, spend my dream amount of money…and then I realized that I have become another pathetic puppet, slave to the capitalist ideas. And maybe all of these will always be just that; dreams. I have absolutely been brainwashed to the idea that if I have more money, I will have a better life and be better than everyone else. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I do not care to know who I have become. People tell me “They loved you!” when someone new meets me, but I have no idea how that could be. If they knew the person I really was, they would stay ten thousand feet away from me. What they see is a fake persona that has to pretend that everything is great, while my thoughts are slowly consuming me, killing me on the inside. At this point, there would be nothing better than to disappear into thin air.

I don’t know who I am anymore and it makes no sense to be alive or to participate in this life. I told myself today, while staring into the shower head, hot water numbing me, that if I had no people in my life that cared about me, I would have killed myself, surely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday evening, the Nazi governor of Indiana, now vice-president elect, attended a play in Broadway. What ensued, is a wonderful example of the backlash from a betrayed people. The boos and jeers from the audience were delightful, but the most satisfying turn of events came when an actor on stage vociferated the concerns of millions of minorities across the country; and delivered a direct jab by highlighting the new administration’s lack of concern to protect the vulnerable peoples of the United States.

On another theater, the basket of deplorables have begun an already failed campaign against Starbucks. During the election, the Starbucks CEO publicly voiced his opposition to emperor deplorable Trump, and now, his basket of deplorables are “boycotting” the coffee company by having baristas write his name on their ordered drinks. There is no doubt that these groups of republicans are the most imbelice people on earth. You cannot boycott a company by giving it profits. In the end, it is Starbucks who is having the last laugh, as their sales continue to prosper, perhaps even more from this so called campaign.

Many predict a disastrous presidency. The fact that these events are ocurring and his presidency has not yet begun is a sign of the times. Millions of brave women are planning to march on Washington DC during innauguration day. It is certain that many more will march to protest this travesty.

However, on another note, many analysts are beginning to come to terms with the events that have happened. Many are blaming the Democratic party for this betrayal; and perhaps the Democrats are at fault after all. Although my loyalty towards the candidate of truth Hillary Clinton will not waiver, a side of her represents the neo-liberal elite that only concerns itself with profits by networking and affiliations. They say her foundation is corrupt; and it may be so. Perhaps this is truly why the working class people of the rural areas that flipped their votes to the emperor deplorable Trump did what they did. Let us look back at the Bill Clinton campaign and election; some southern and midwest states were won. Even during the Obama election, although the southern states remained mostly red, the Democrats could still rely on midwest states for votes. The fact that four of these midwest states were lost is concerning. It is their job to regain the faith of the people in those areas. Do not prosper from the elite; do not serve the profiteers. Work for the people; work on bringing jobs back and to improve the conditions of the working class. There is a lot to be done until the next election. Still, it brings me solace to know that this will be one of the last elections where the old generation votes. It is now time to do away with the ancient generation that does not vote for the future. Indeed, a better future cannot be created by attempting to bring the past, and this is what the people have done by voting for the emperor deplorable. Millions and millions of people ages 18-26 voted for the candidate of truth Hillary Clinton…an overwhelming majority, in fact. The problem lies in the traitors; the working class (which can be won over again) and the old generation that is still clutching to their primitive and conservative societal beliefs. Once this generation begins to die off, it will provide a slight advantage to the Democrats. Still, it is important to learn from what happened during this election and know that the working people of this country, among others, have the power to flip votes and determine the outcome of elections.