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It’s not the date of the devil, it won’t be for another while. But I am up, a little high and just wanting to say something here. I feel like I don’t write as much as I should…life has just gotten in the way of things…well, doing things that I would rather be doing than what I normally do. But that’s adulthood, supposedly. I know that there has got to be more to it than this…but there might not be. That’s why I rely on happiness and positive thinking, as well as an immeasurable and never-ending amount of patience. I just don’t know how some people do it. This entire change of life has hit me hard, and I didn’t realize it until this year. And we are officially on the half way point of the year…how did that happen? So sudden…like everything else in life.

I have tried my best to adjust to the new changes; for they are good changes. The only negative change in the last few months is having lost a friend, but I am working on gaining new people in my life. Isn’t that how it works? Some people come and go, like passengers, and you never see them or hear from them again…at least that’s how it used to happen. Now, we have social media, and unless the block button is clicked or tapped, people will remain there. Luckily, there will soon be a feature to mute people. That’s the perfect solution to the modern problem just described above. And truthfully, it should have happened long ago, but technology just grew so fast.

Adult life is very difficult; there are so many things to do. It is a constant flow of activities, responsibilities, and overall, my least favorite part: commitments. There are so many commitments these days, that I rather have a very small group of friends. I work with people daily, and I have come to love the idea of not dealing with many people if I don’t have to. That’s part of the reason that I prefer to stay in and just do what I want to do, alone. And a great aspect of this is that I love it and am more than content. That was certainly an enlightening moment for me. There is no greater importance in the Universe of the self than being centered. It is, after all, your own world. As they say, “You are the center of your own Universe.” So I retire into my own place and recharge, otherwise, I could not survive daily life and the numerous obstacles in it.

Later.

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I am not religious, but today I went to a monastery for a work related mindfulness retreat and became very emotional. I found myself alone, in the chapel, as I went to retrieve my car keys during lunch break, so I bowed my head in the altar and said a little prayer. I prayed, to whatever is out there, if anything, the Universe, for peace on earth, and for peace and happiness to the people in my life. I said thank you for all of the good things in my life. I emphasized the importance of gratitude that I feel, because this was not always the case.
Another moment that made an impression of me is when I went to the small grotto where a status of the virgin Mary was praying, hands clasped, looking up at the sky. This reminded me of my Catholic roots, which for years, were a source of comfort for me, before I came to terms with my sexuality…which turned the comforts to torments.

I am not sure exactly what I believe in, but I do know that I believe in energies, and I believe that there are many things in this world that we are unable to see. The fact that this place was able to almost move me to tears, without any effort, is something to take notice of. Everything was peaceful and the troubles of the world outside the vicinity did not matter.

The meditation retreat was not as powerful, but it did serve a beautiful purpose, a reminder that we have to take care of ourselves, no matter what we do. But more so, us, the care takers, must take care of ourselves, for not everyone knows how to care for the care taker, and we are always caring for others. I am so happy that today was a great day, because the present moment is the only moment that matters, it is the only moment to ever matter. It is the biggest, single most important gift that we have in our lives. I feel sorry for the people that are not able to enjoy this philosophy. One can only teach so much, educate so much…
I am thankful for my life, for the people in my life, for my career, and for the people that I work with. My mission in this world is to help others, and to be a source of comfort to the souls who need it the most. No matter how much time I have in this world, I know that I am living a life that is right for me, a life that serves a lot of purpose and has a lot of meaning in it. And sometimes, that is more than enough to be happy.

I look forward to having more of these rich life experiences with the people I love, and also during times of solitude. It is very important to be alone at times.
Thank you life, I am happy that I stuck around, because things were not always like this. It really did get better for me…and for that, I am eternally thankful. The world would be a much better place if everyone practiced compassion and gratitude…and to the ones who already do, thank you.

Avicii died on Friday. Suddenly, the world got darker. So young; so unfair…and there is nothing that one can do but to accept that this is how things are. This is how life is. The Universe keeps on going, ignoring our grief and the absence of god. May his memory live long. Thank you for everything.

Work is getting tiresome…and I am trying my best to try and get rid of people, but efforts have been fruitless so far. There is no choice but to keep on trying to push cases out. I cannot imagine how things are going to be when school starts. I am doing everything possible to prepare for the journey, but there is so much that can be done. We are never in control; it is only an illusion. Life can change very fast, but if certain steps are taken to at least add precaution to the road ahead, that can bring comfort along the way.

I spent the weekend with my bf and some of it was pleasant, and some of it was not so pleasant. I continue to try to make sense of things without thinking about it too much. Need to learn what battles to pick, and which ones are not even worth it. I think I should have listened to my father when he told me to end things before it was too late…I guess it is never too late…but it does make it difficult when someone is in love. I have observed improvement in certain areas, but I still need to stay vigilant and more aware.

Don’t want to talk about thing anymore, right now. Going to the West Coast on Friday, finally. I took matters into my own hands because I cannot let time continue to just pass me by without doing the things that I want to do.

Her death anniversary came and went. I shed a few tears, but did not weep. This year, it was a positive remembrance. I did not want it to consume me; enough grief has been caused by this.
Work has been consuming; so consuming. So much so, that I did not go to the gym today. I came home and I slept. My body has been giving my signals that it is time to take it easy. On Tuesday, I did not lay down until 10PM. I went all day, non stop…and my body was hating me for me. This is understood, and we will make many efforts to take it easy.
My relationship is heavenly…after many tumultuous months of hardship, the clouds have finally settled and things are much better. Nothing in life is perfect, and this relationship is far from perfect. No relationship will ever be perfect, but things are much better than before.

M continues to communicate updates on her relationship, but I honestly am so over it. This is what she is choosing; this is the type of relationship that she wants, it seems. Despite everything, things continue. I do not expect her to leave, and I do not expect her to learn anything until something truly bad happens. And that is not going to be fair for the people in her life. It is not going to be fair for her either, so at this time, pray nothing happens because the delicate equilibrium that we have fought so hard to create cannot be disturbed at this moment. As an answer about Grad School is being waited on, there cannot be any ripples. Life is going to happen regardless; pray the waves continue their serenity and calmness.

I have no choice but to wait until April comes to begin vacation season. Just one more month and a half and it will be worth the wait. Vacations have become such an important part of my life, that I will make it a point, every year, to do a vacation. Even if they are small get aways, for the time being, until the financial situation improves, that is a blessing. It will not do to compare the situation to anyone else, for that is a form of self harm. Speaking of finances, even though the debt war is over, for now, it has been so difficult to save money. The last two months have been unacceptable; moving forward, these things cannot happen again. They are  delaying the goals that were set in place to move forward financially and have the upper hand in certain situations, should school truly occur.

But until then. The ride continues. The inexplicable experience continues, and it does not show any signs of stopping. There are no words, I have no words to explain this existence. But for once, truly, I am happy. And it’s great. I have lived to see the day where I can truly say “I am happy.” And it feels so good.

In two days I’ll be alone for two months. This will be good for me. And this will be good for my parents to go away by themselves. It will do them good; very good.
But now, I have to deal with this winter. It’s always a struggle, no matter how many times I have gone through it. This time, I have more activities to do. But the cold is always going to make it tough. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t make it through it; I’ll make it through. The spring will be worth the wait. I know that I couldn’t deal with the cold forever. Could I? It gets worse as you get older, they say. Who knows anything.

Here and there come feelings of meaninglessness and boredom. Dulness. But I fight those emotions by trying to stay busy. The hardest part is while slow at work, I loathe sitting there. I can feel myself succumbing to the dulness. So I stand, walk around, find whatever I can to do, even if it means just standing and looking outside of the window. That’s still something to do.
I think that I gave up on reading, especially books from the 1800’s, no matter how classic they are labeled. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s boring. Maybe I should find something that is interesting to me. That could be the problem.
Or maybe I have to learn to adapt and treat everything the way that it is supposed to be treated. Books are just like people, at times, you just have to get used to the style in which they are written, and you have to get used to being able to handle them as they are. That’s a good way to describe people as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just becoming more jaded as the years go by. Is my job to blame? I know that I do a good job at separating work from life; I leave all of the problems where each belong. The ones at home, and the ones at work. They never cross paths; they were never supposed to cross paths. They can never cross paths. At least nothing is intensive, so I think anyway.
Three months left of this cold. At least I have a vacation in the spring to look forward to; a new, unexplored territory. The cold merciless subzero winds will be far gone. But a part of me is only going to want more travel, more exploration. And that has taken priority over any other lusting of life. Forget sex, forget pot, forget material possessions. Travel and exploration are my new obsessions. And in time, I will have enough resources to fulfill these desires. But until now, there is hard work to be done, and much patience to be had. The road to fulfilling promises and seeing dreams become realities will be long and tough. But the purpose of planting everything is that, in due time, we will see it grow. At least that’s what they tell us. But I do believe that this is true. So let me plant my garden, and pray to the Universe that I am alive and well to see the flowers bloom. Yes. Either way, it is going to be okay.

The year is finally coming to a close. I don’t suppose that I have changed drastically this year. It was a year with very few significant changes, which is a blessing after all of the things that happened in 2016. I thank life and the Universe for granting me a quieter than usual year in 2017. It was definitely a slower year. I still had fun, but it was nothing compared to the ride of 2016.
The most notable change this year is that I became content with having a low key life. The more people that you bring into your inner circle, the more problems! I also accepted that I may be living here all of my life. Although that is not the goal at all, a part of me has accepted that this may very well happen. I always write such lengthy reflections, but alas, it will not happen this year. I have said plenty over the years, and I can finally say that, after everything that has happened in the past, things are finally better and I now lead a quiet life. I realize that this could change at any moment, so I do my absolute best to live in the moment, fully, and immerse myself in the daily activities and various stimuli that I enjoy. This is the only way to begin to live a more peaceful life.
For next year, some goals are to continue the small travels, and to continue to do the activities that I love doing. I really hope to get into graduate school. I want to continue to develop my friendships with my close friends because it is very difficult to find new people in the “outside” world, especially since I do not go out much. I also want to save up a lot of money. I have learned my lesson the hard way; but the positive outcome of this is that I will be better at managing things, and that, at last, I have finally payed off my debt. Graduate school may plunge me into more debt, but I have a plan, a good plan, to pay off some of the costs during the years in which I am in school so that when I graduate, I don’t have a lot to answer to. It has been very draining, and it took a lot of patience to get to this point.

I will not talk about politics or the ongoing events around the world. I have made it a priority not to indulge in the hysteria and madness that most of society participates in. Yes, it is important to know what is going on, but to a certain extent. Gone are the days of obsessing over the terrible, soul draining happenings in this country and abroad. It’s time to hope for a better future, and be aware that there are good people in the world who truly want to make a change in their own lives, and the lives of many. We need each other to make this world a better place, and to vanquish hate. There may always be an eternal struggle between love and hate, but despite all, I still believe that love will always win in the end.

I am thankful for all of the good things that happened to me this year. I am thankful for my close relationships. I hope that everything improves, where it needs to improve. Otherwise, 2017 was not as tumultuous as years past. My goal for 2018 is to make it a very memorable year, filled with beautiful memories and achievements. I am very centered and self aware of the things that need to happen, and I still have learned lessons that will help me going into the new year. I pray to life and to the Universe, so that they continue to protect me and my loved ones. I know that there are many blessings to come.

Another day of boredom. Well, it’s really another day of being unproductive. When I am bored at home, or other places, I can always find something to do. When I am work and have few tasks to do, it is difficult to find activities to do. However, it has been decided that it will be productive to write. Why write? Because it is a skill that I have always wanted to keep up with; something special that cannot go to waste.

The state of the world continues to decline; domestically and abroad. It won’t be wise to speculate on what is going to happen; nothing is certain at this time. Yet people go about their daily lives. Why should we stop? We are too comfortably numb to everything. We know what is happening, yet, it is kept in the back of our minds. Some choose to ignore it completely, while others know that it is there and that perhaps, if they carry on with life, it will dissipate.

Why is this country running itself to the ground? Why is this world burning itself out? The ego of men has become too great, that they are willing to destroy the world to achieve success. How can one be successful in a world with nobody in it?

I continue to struggle with the decision of going to graduate school. It seems, with everything that is happening, that it is simply not worth it in the long run. The investment that I am going to receive is not going to be justified, in fact, it will not even be an investment. At this stage of life, it sounds like an absolutely nuisance. Higher loans, higher interest rates, and a lack of an adequate salary increase is not going to inspire or motivate anyone to go back to school. For school is only necessary for people who want to perform certain types of duties; very specific jobs that require the expertise and knowledge of an area of study in order to be completed successfully. My job requires no degree, in all its reality. Anyone could be trained to perform the tasks that I perform, whether they possess a degree or not. The sad reality is that yes, perhaps I, like millions, was scammed into thinking that it was necessary to go to school in order to obtain a “successful” job. But what is a successful job if one is still struggling to pay for the bare necessities? I looked at my credit card account last night, and I was not happy with what I saw. There may have been a few (and just a few) luxury transactions, but they were not of an astronomical account. What truly added up, and quickly, were the essential purchases.
So the cost of living goes up, and the salaries remain the same. It is through this process that the middle class is going to disappear in this “great” country, and there will be nothing left but a struggling class and the wealthy.

The holiday seasons is approaching, and feelings of sadness, anxiety, and melancholy have begun to take over. Despite everything that is happening in the world, and in life, it’s also important to find sometime to water our minds with positive thoughts and imagery. Yes, this is a difficult task, but it is not impossible to achieve. It is very much like trying to write an entry when there isn’t much to say; or when one truly feels that they have written about every single thought and event that occurs in daily life. However, I made a promise to continue writing, no matter what. It cannot be given up. That would be doing a disservice to ourselves, the world, and anyone that could benefit or become inspired by the words found on these writings. It is simple for me to write once I begin, the struggle occurs in the beginning, when my mind is attempting to formulate the main idea of what the paragraphs are going to be about. However, most of these entries are in a narrative format, and the subjects change, with transition, as my thoughts change. Perhaps my brain has a “To do” list, which are the thoughts of the hour, of the moment, that must manifest themselves into words written on a screen.

I have been thinking about starting a blog, however, the process is completely unknown to me. I am also not sure if people would want to read what I write. I am certain that some people could benefit from these words. The question comes down to what type of subjects do I want to write about?

Lately, there is a sense of wanting to do something greater with my life. It’s not that I am completely unhappy, but there is a longing of needing to go above and beyond what is being done at this moment, to achieve something greater than the current work that I am performing. It is one of the most frustrating and soul clenching feelings one could experience, but the positive side of things is that it is an indication of acknowledging that one wants to do better and be better. The journey has to continue, for various reasons, of that I am certain. I am not sure of where it is going to take me. All I pray for is a solution to the uncertainty. It must come from within; I am fully aware. The only ingredient that is missing is a catalyst.

Today I authorized the final payment on the student loans. And to celebrate the beginning of a new era, I slipped under the cover of darkness, to a private meeting. This is the type of meeting that I have been needing for years. I may even declare that it has been needed for more than a decade. All of my questions will be answered, and I will learn about myself in the process. The group of individuals in charge of this organization know that there are traps set by society to ensure that millions are enslaved to debt. The hope is that everything will be revealed.
When I recall the days of going to college, I was never sure on what to do. I considered leaving multiple times, and changed my plan of study constantly because nothing satisfied me. When I graduated, the age of uncertainty began. This was a continuation of the failure that society continues to propagate on its people. Nobody told me what to do next. All the advisors said was that people who graduated from high school, and went to college would be sure to find jobs. These basic statements did not serve as guidance. What schools need is people that are going to teach students other aspects of life. Mortgages, rent, loan repayment, job searching, allocation of assets, and many other essential pieces of life that are not taught to anyone during school.
Some may say that perhaps it is the parents that are supposed to be of assistance. This may be, but it is not always happening in all of these cases. My parents were of no use, not because they didn’t want to be, but perhaps because they never thought about teaching me the basic essentials of the post graduate life. And yet, perhaps, we were only victims of living in a completely different country from where we came from. For things are done differently here, and no job will fall from the skies that easily. Come to think of it, one of my first post graduate jobs came from the sky! The irony.
Given my past, and current situation, I do not think that going to graduate school is the answer. The evidence is clear; when people ask me what I am going to be doing with my graduate degree, I have no clear answer. I may say that it would be desirable to work in a hospital setting, or for a corporation to ensure that they are following through with their social responsibilities. However, it would send me back into debt, and I don’t speak of these occupations with high regard or with passion. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life listening to grief and being under paid?
For many years, we have always believed that we are meant for something greater. I am not falling for the trap that logotherapy explains in regards to individual humans having a feeling that they must be special. Quite the contrary! It’s not that I believe, it’s that I KNOW that I am meant for something much greater than what I am doing now. There are big things in life that are waiting for me. The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place, slowly, but time is of the essence. Things have to be done quickly. Imagine; going back to school for 3 years is going to cause all types of delays. But the most important delay, is that of finances. I have not fought this financial war for years, sacrificing independence, only to fall back into another conflict. It is something that cannot occur. There must be a way, there has to be a way to be successful without going back to graduate school. With the way that this country is being run (which is another topic for a different time), there are no guarantees. There are only guarantees for the rich. Going back to school during these perilous times is not opportune. When the government is actively waging a war against the middle and poor classes, putting oneself in debt would not be wise.
So for now, there are many other options that are waiting to be explored. These options are going to be discovered. Today, I did what I had to do; sold myself in order to be a part of something that is only going to be of extreme importance. This opportunity is not something that happens frequently, therefore, I plan to utilize it to the best of my ability and to take advantage of every single step of the way. There are no excuses; hard work will pay off.

For now, we await the final processing of this payment to be effective. None of this will be missed; these vampires will not be taking any more of my money in interests. Let this end once and for all.

One more payment left on my loans and that will be the end of it. However, now, I have been thinking about going back to school because that is the only way to make more money. There are so many factors that would play into this…and it wouldn’t be a good idea to become more stress with multiple transitions. Moving out, going back to school, projects, paper, homework, internships, working full time…and everything else in between outside of those two. It’s a lot to think about, and time is only dwindling down. No idea what is going to happen. Going to an open house on Monday night so I hope to get some answers.

The cold has arrived, but not as it usually does. It continues to  change week by week, and it adds to the nuisance of things. But, there is no reason to be negative or depressed about anything. I have a very good life, and it is only going to get better, god willing.

A breakthrough occurred in my relationship, and while the details will be left out, it is a very acceptable and positive breakthrough. Time will only tell if thing are going to remain the same, have to be optimistic.

Thinking about travels next year…and also about moving out. There is fear, there is anxiety and doubts, but there is no other way to confront the issue than to just simply jump in. Otherwise, we will never know. And these sort of things just have to be done until everything else falls into place.

Work has been horrendously slow, and supposedly it will pick up again soon. However, again, time will be the judge of that. Other than that, there is nothing else going on that is worthy of mentioning or reflecting about.

The journey continues, somehow.

I feel dejected and empty inside. I don’t think my life is ideal. It feels like it’s all wrong and I am so dissatisfied with everything. My job doesn’t seem right; doesn’t pay enough and it’s tiring to deal with the problems of others, as well as managers. My relationship doesn’t seem right; he doesn’t like all of the things that I like and it feels like he makes no effort to compromise. My family life is wrong; I don’t have a relationship with my brother and it’s damaged with my parents because they have shown no interest in my relationship which has hurt it. My friend life is wrong; feeling lonelier as the weeks go by and I barely talk or see anyone. My home life is wrong; I have to move out because it is intolerable and awkward to live with my parents.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Have to take a break from smoking weed because that isn’t helping. And it’s hard with all of these things going on because it makes me want to take xanax, and this past week I took it twice. It has been a long time since that happened…can’t remember the last time xanax was taken. Everything just seems like a low key nightmare right now. Not sure if it’s because the focus is on all of the negative things, probably. After all of these years. Why can’t my brain stop doing this to me? And the racing inner thoughts and monologues…the worst part. I had to come here tonight to write about everything because there is no other outlet for this to be let out in. Been thinking about going back to therapy but money is always an issue…well, not entirely an issue but it’s still hard when saving up is the main goal. And to be honest, it will be predictable…all therapists care about is client retention because that’s more money for them.

There is no need to hear “it’s all up to you to change all of this,” because I don’t want to hear it. This is something that I already know. It’s difficult right now, especially with the financial situation. Next year, maybe after summer, I have to really try to look for something pays more. It is going to be hard work…but life is just going by so fast. Everything is so surreal, and it is really hard not to ask existential questions. We’re all just a ghost in a shell. Nothing makes sense anymore and it doesn’t seem like it ever did. Today, I uttered out loud; I hate everything. I feel depressed.

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