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Another day gone by. Was busy at work so at least that kept me happy. I am now dealing with another crazy that talks too much…but really, poor broken souls. Yet they continue to believe in god and have faith…despite all the horrors they have been through. I think that certainly speaks for itself; perhaps this is what true faith is about. I leave those problems in their living room tables; after all, they are not my problems. I only help navigate through them. I do love my job, I am lucky to say so. I know what it is like to have a job you hate. One of the worst feelings.

I continued to obsess over political news today. I know that it is not good for me, but the obsession wouldn’t stop. I’m just in disbelief about the things that are happening in this country right now. These so called leaders are so blatantly hateful and ignorant…and people still vote for them. What is happening to the world? What fucked up reality is this? I have to develop a plan to truly stay away from everything. I can’t carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, nobody can. I already deal with enough at work. And speaking of burden, I was thinking about my life earlier today. I have to be thankful because I have a relatively easy life. I am free of major stressors and at least have a quality of life where I am. When I think about moving out soon, in the next 6 months or so, I know that it will be a struggle. This is why proper arrangements have to be made.

The weather is finally cooperating and today is the first day of summer. I think that a trip to the beach on Saturday is going to rejuvenate me so much. Yes.

For now, I have to think about the plan that is going to be developed and put in place to avoid the outside world. I have said this many times, but it is the only way to preserve the little bit of peace and sanity that we have left. “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” I am going to live by this motto for as long as I can.

We are living an aberration in this country where politicians are destroying the lives of millions of people. I’m so tired of the hate and ignorance. But my sincere hope is this: I hope that every single person who supports hate and doesn’t think that anything is going to happen to them gets everything taken away from them. I don’t care. I hope you lose your health care and your livelihood. You are playing yourself and your fellow country men. I am so disgusted to be a part of this sickening world. You would think that after everything that has happened in such short time, people would wake up, but they continue not go. So, in the long run, when the economy is destroyed and your services taken away, you will not have any other person to blame but yourself. So fuck every single person that votes for ignorance and hate. I hope that you, your children, and grandchildren pay the price, like the rest of us do. But don’t get too comfortable. Enjoy this brief moment while you can, because the majority of the world is laughing at you. And when things change, and things will change, because nothing is forever, then you will be at the receiving end of defeat. This is inevitable.

So fuck this country right now, and every single person that has brought on this disgrace of a government and nightmare for the rest of us. But don’t worry, you will also suffer with the policies that only benefit the 1% of the petty billionaire class. You are too ignorant and blind to see. Too fucking stupid. It’s beyond any words. So I’ll leave it at that. We are laughing at you too.

Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.

I’m over this fucking weather. It’s June and it’s been nothing but fucking garbage 60s and rain. So over living in this part of the country

B keeps boring me with his stupid shit. He broke up with his boyfriend and is being a fucking mess. All I want to do is tell him: “I don’t fucking care and go get your life.”
Even friends need a little check here and there. I’m all for not judging and listening to people when they have issus, but I just don’t fucking care. Maybe he will get the hint when I don’t reply as much.

My own relationship? I don’t even want to talk about that anymore. I’m so over it. If things get better, great. If not, great. Next.

Nothing else to update other than almost done with paying off school. Wondering how that will work. I’ll have to call them and see because I do not want to make any mistakes.

Started going back to the gym and will be serious about eating muscle building foods. Very exciting things.
Finished the wedding present for my brother’s wedding and all I have to do is buy the plane tickets next months. Can’t wait for this to be over. It has been nothing but nonsense from the beginning. A very awkward situation for everyone, it feels.

Started smoking weed again. It helps with relaxation. I will have to research and see what weed is better for my anxiety…I should do that right away and book mark a few to see if they are available.
Going grocery shopping tomorrow for all the foods that I need to be healthy and build some muscle mass. Nothing too crazy.

Well more later I guess. Hope that things look up and continue to be better. I am thankful for the life that I have.

I’ve been struggling the past week and a half with my relationship. I love my boyfriend, I deeply care about him in a way that I have never cared for another guy before. Yet I struggle; yes, every relationship has their good and bad. Nobody is perfect, no matter how alike or different they are from us. My dad told me that “We are always seeking that perfection which doesn’t exist,” and it’s true.
The struggles come because he isn’t on the same level of culture as I am. We have different hobbies. He doesn’t care much for social issues, while I do. My hobbies are more in tune with those of an older person, while his are those of someone who is younger. I like the woods, hikes, museums, and the such. He likes video games, reality TV, and pop culture. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this. Being with him has made me realize that I couldn’t be with someone who is a clone of me. I will give an example; I have a friend who has similar tastes to me, so we have deep conversations about life. But the last time we talked, the conversation got very overwhelming and I had to deflect and end it. At that moment I realized that it would not be healthy for me, personally, to be with someone with the same thought process as mine. It would drive me insane; I already drive myself insane. My boyfriend does a good job in making sure I “snap out of it.” He has stayed and faught for this relationship despite all the things I have done to him and my extremely difficult ways of being with my thoughts. He forgave me after I confessed to him that I was watching too much porn, which was affecting our sex life. He forgave me when I told him that I didn’t think he dressed appropriately for my birthday. He forgave me when I took the site of other guys that I ¬†was talking to that I had met online (and live out of state) years ago. And lately, he forgave me when I told him that he didn’t fulfill me 100%.
This is all true love to me. I often ask myself what the reasons are behind the fact that he has not left me yet. Is my unconscious mind trying to sabotage this relationship?
The reasoning behind me saying he does not fulfill me completely also made no sense; I felt that he would say no to the activities I would suggest doing, when in fact, I have only made two suggestions. The first was one was last year, when I asked him to go on a walk, and the second was recent, when I asked him to watch a show with me and he said the subject of the show was of no interest to him. Yet I have done everything he has suggested (has all been mostly TV shows) without protesting at all. He must have asked me if I felt that the relationship was one sided for a reason, he must have suspected. And he was right, and I told him.
He let me know that he would try to do things with me and would be open to doing so. I worried so much this past week whether that would work or not that I threw myself into an emotional pit of dread and ended up having to hide in the bathroom to cry. He also says ignorant comments here and there. I have come to learn that he does not mean what he says; he is not a bad person. This is the way that he was raised; he has lived in the same town all his life and did not go to a four year college where learning about diversity is key. Now, this is not to say that I firmly believe one must attend college; I don’t. I know college is not for everyone. There were several times during my college years that I considered dropping out. In the end, I am glad that I didn’t. But it would have helped him to get to know more people of diverse backgrounds. None of this justifies the things he says, I have made several comments and dropped hints regarding the fact that these bother me. During one of our discussions, he concluded that maybe there was a possibility that things were not as he thought they would be. This gave me faith that there is hope in educating him.
I know he loves me and cares about me; he has proven this to me and I will never, or have I ever, questioned how he feels about me. I believe everything he says in regards to how he feels about the relationship and how he feels about me. I have never connected so well with him, and our relationship just works, somehow, despite our differences. This isn’t something to question. I think that this is something to be celebrated. I have met many guys, gone on dates, and have been lead on to the point where I thought that there was something wrong with me. So after my last, short relationship, I dedicated to only having sex, convinced that this was all I was good for. He made me realize that I am so much better than that life…and he is right. It was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I don’t want to ruin what we have; I concluded that I want to give this relationship a CHANCE. He has given me, and continues to give me many chances. I am going to hold him to his word and hope that he really comes through with saying that he is open and willing to try new things with me. I will continue to educate him and immediately call him out if he says something ignorant. If, after sometime, I notice that there are no changes, I, with all the hurt in my sould, will have to end it. I would much rather tell myself that I gave this relationship a fair chance, and worked to improve it, rather than just give up and walk away. I love him a lot and that is why I don’t want to let this go to waste. But if the changes that I mentioned do not happen over time, I know what I have to do.
Regardless, I have to stop my mind from running and making up scenarios or fantasies that do not exist. I have to fully live in the moment and go by facts and past evidence. I don’t want to push away every person that tries to get close to me. I am focusing only on the negative aspects of things, rather than the positives. This is something that I have to work on, before it ruins my life.
Here’s to hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What happened today? I’ll tell you what happened today. Next week is my last week at my current job. I haven’t told them anything, only two co-workers know. I plan on writing a candid letter next Friday, and sending it to my boss and a human resource staff. That will partly expose them for the crooks that they are; I won’t go too much into details because I don’t want to become involved in a possible legal situation, but my honesty should be enough to set off a bomb after I leave. But anyway, today, I could not stand being there anymore, and I refused to become an unofficial salesman and attempt to have people tell me what their electronic address is, so that was not going to happen. I lied and said that I would be in a different building doing just that; asking poor people to give me their e-mails to boost the numbers of this tyranical health center up so that the higher ups can take all the credit. Isn’t that how America works anyway? But today, it did not work out that way.
What I wasn’t counting on is that one of my co-workers decided to pay a visit to the place I was supposed to be in and asked my other co-worker where I was. Bless her; she covered for me and said she didn’t know where I was…but nevertheless, the jig was up. This was half hour later after I left. What I found curious right now is that she didn’t text me or call me; she has my personal number. So why didn’t she? Why didn’t she contact me? Did she feel the need to wash her hands and let her boss, our boss, know that this was something that she should handle? Is this something that her brain could not take on because she has other problems going on in her life? Well I’ll tell you something; nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to go back to school. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to take this stressful job. Nobody put a fucking fun on her head and force her to date the man she is always bitching about. Fun tidbit about this latter fact; she once told me that sometimes our minds tell us to stay in relationships even though we know that they are not good for us. So what is she doing? She is staying in one that is not good for her, but she spends all day posting stupid shit posts on instagram about infidelity, relationships, school, and other topics that are not worthy of mentioning here.
All suspicion aside, if she told my boss that I was nowhere to be found, there is something to be said that the boss just so happens to have a meeting in the same office I am going to be working in, which wouldn’t be my home office. If I were her, I would be smart not to rat me out, because since I am going out either way, I will go out dropping several truth bombs and granades as I make my exit. Does she want to get thrown under a bus? She does not. But since she probably isn’t smart, she may have already lit my fuse. Only Monday will tell.
Either way, I am happy. Happy because no matter what happens, this next week is going to be my last week in that hell. It was an honest mistake on my part in going there. Nothing could have warned me of the bullshit that I have endured since I started December. If this was foretold, I would have never left my previous job. I gave up a lot of freedom to come to where I currently am, thinking that it would provide an opportunity for growth and development. Instead, I have stumbled upon idiots who call themselves supervisors and hold Doctorate degrees that should have never been handed out and revoked immediately. I would like to know why someone with a PhD makes spelling errors often and does not know how to be professional while treating their subordinates with respect. Well, soon enough, that is going to backfire on them. My candid letter, although not a kick below the belt, is going to make an impact. At least I would like to think so, because at this point, all human resource jobs should be eliminated. Nothing ever gets done. In any case, I will have the last word. Because what I think of these people and this self indulging agency cannot truly be put into words, so instead, I am going to make sure that a magnifying glass is placed on them.

So yeah, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will be a year tomorrow since she left this world. It’s weird to think about…what have I exactly done in that year? Life seems like a blur when it’s thought about…so many things have happened, but that phone call seems as if it happened just last month. But alas, it will be a year tomorrow. The plan is to have a normal day; go about work routines, get home, and get ready for Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend. Of course I am going to be thinking of her tomorrow, more than ever. I’m not sure that there has been a day that I did not think about her since she left this world. There may have been a few days here and there where she was completely off my mind…and when I think about the question of “What have you learned since? How have things changed since that day?”, the answer that comes to mind is that, although the existential crisis continued all through most of the year, life was lived to the fullest. Went on road trips, took another vacation, experimented sexually like never before, did not take any day for granted, and inhaled every single experience that I was able to create. That is her parting gift to me; that life is to be enjoyed with its fullest potential. Yes, fragments of the crisis still linger, but I have come out of this stage of my life stronger and with a deeper appreciation for experiences. The need for material possessions has vastly diminished. More emphasis has been placed on food, traveling, nature, peace, yoga, family, and friends.

It is a certainty that a range of emotions are going to be flowing through me tomorrow, but this is only normal. My anxiety over Valentine day’s dinner does not help the ocasion. In the end, everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow, frankly speaking, will just be another day. Thank you for making me learn that the lesson from your passing was to enjoy life to its fullest. Rest in peace, and let me be at peace.

Things are taking a turn down the “What is happening?” lane. Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while…and the weekends? It’s very painful to recall the events. My boyfriend and I nearly broke up…and I felt so much pain and hurt…emotions that I hadn’t felt since my friend passed away last Valentine’s day. Fortunately, we were able to resolve our isues. Still, it was stressful and not pleasant.

Snow has finally begun to fall as it should during winter…although, we still have been having a “dry” season for a lack of better word. No matter how much I may detest the cold, I will never cease to enjoy the wintry sceneries after snow falls. Last night, after getting home, I stood outside for quite some time admiring the peace, stillness, and calm. Small snowflakes began to fall, and I deeply admired the white landscape in the cold, dark night. Moments such as these are precious and at times, rare. The hustle and bustle of life continues, but one must make sure to find oneself immersed in these moments of complete calm and stillness. That is one of the very few escapes that we have left from the turmoil of the world.

There is a rule that I have always put in place for myself: Never go back to previous jobs. Yet, here I find myself going for a meeting next Friday to plead my case and hope that they take me back. The situation at my current job has become unbearable. Hostile supervisors, unhappy co-workers, unrealistic expectations, broken operation systems, and maniacal agency leaders. This is not a place where I am going to be happy. Sure, I was not 100% happy at my previous job (are we ever?), but in contrast, it was a much better fit for me. The life and work balance was an aspect that I took for granted. I am going to do everything possible to make sure that they take me back. Wondering down the road of any other possibility is certainly not an option, and will not be considered.

This weekend is going to be my escape from the hell that is endured during the work week. But soon, it will be different…and so I pray. I continue to learn about life and people as I get older.

I did not go to my friend’s memorial. I suspect that my friend is highly annoyed with my decision not to go…but I stand by this decision and it was the best course of action. I did not want to relive any memories after having had a difficult week; and that is my right. I have not heard from her for an entire week. Some are saying that this is not a true friend. I concur; and so do my dreams. Last night, a dream took place in which a heated telephone call between us took place. It seemed very real…perhaps a projection of the future? Nevertheless, I will wait for contact.

Eagerly awaiting the end of the month; will be back to steady financial gains and no significant debts to be paid. After that, it should be a smooth journey into Spring, Summer, and to achieve my goals of eradicating debt completely from my name. The future looks exciting, but as always, uncertain.

I am writing today because I want to document how happy I am and feel. The purpose of writing is not to always document the times of sadness, despair, and torments. It is also vital to documents the moments when we feel happy; for some of us, there are not many.
But tonight, the vibes are different. I am immersing myself in emotions and all sorts of stimuli to enhance my living experience. It is a wonderful, present moment that defines infinity at its purest form. What a beautiful and rare event. It is so important to count the blessings every single day. Yes, the routines might be in place for quite sometime, but in those moments, the task is to stay focused on the good things. The task if to stay focused on the possibilities of the future while loving the seconds of the present. This is a beautiful way to live. I have been to the bottom of the abyss; and as they say, the only way to go is upwards and outwards. I am very proud of the accomplishments that I have carried out for myself in such short time…some people take years to achieve their goals…perhaps even a lifetime. But my goals are being met, slowly, but surely in a rapid manner.

So a moment of happiness and cheer for all of the good things to come in the future. It does get better; they were not lying after all. It does get better for a lot of us…and in a world where injustices and cruelty take place, this is a comforting fact. Not everyone can be saved, and not all of us will make it to the end. But to those of us that do, it is an important piece of evidence that the Universe works in strange ways. This cannot be explained.

I have been in a slightly better mood. This past week, our boss decided to act like a complete bitch. What ensured was constant complaining from other staff…non stop. It was horrible; they would not shut up about it. All I did was to listen. If a bomb were to drop regarding this, I know that I would not only have a clear conscience, but know that I did not partake in the festivities of bad mouthing her.

The weekend was fun; spent it with my boyfriend and we had a great time together. Now, another work week begins tomorrow. I confessed to him that I did not like my job…I was not going to lie to him when he asked me if I did. However, the main focus right now is money. There will always be better opportunities in the future.

Confidence grows that there is a chance that life can get better. There will always be struggles and obstacles, but it is up to us to figure out a way to make it through those obstacles and to become better people. Thanks to my boyfriend, I am a more positive person. There are times when depression returns, and some days are difficult, but everyone has days like that. It is OK. As long as there are friends and family as a support system, things can improve greatly.

More to follow…not much else is new because the routine that is being lived week by week brings nothing new to write about. This could very well be a blessing for quite sometime.