You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘anxiety’ tag.

I have enough to pay off school. But now, I have to wait maybe a month or two to pay it all off to ensure that I have enough left in my bank account to pay for other bills. It will all finally be over soon…impatience has taken over at times.

Nothing to do today because the weather was not cooperating. But now it changed to 71 and some sun…of course it would, towards the end of the day. My boyfriend came out to a walk with me last week and I was very shocked that he said yes. I got another ultimatum and I truly believe that this will be the last chance that he will ever give me. And I understand him. I understand the things that I have put him through, but he also has put me through other things…maybe not as deliberately as I have, but still. I guess we forgave each other. I hope that everything stays peaceful…for our sake.

Going to try to smoke weed again to see what happens. Also trying to get into the gym again…but it’s a waiting game because of having to see when the promotion comes out.
Going to do my best to live it up this summer. Nothing or anyone is going to stop that from happening.

Laying here in my old bed…thinking about the things that have happened in the past, and how everything has somehow changed. I look forward to the day, sometime later this year, where I can finally move out. After all of this time! I am very excited to begin this process sometime in the Fall. Probably closer to my birthday. That would be such a fun birthday present to myself…to be able to find a place. I know that it will happen.

It has been a slow beginning to the year, but next month we will be half way done, once more. It is difficult to think how fast the years are going by. Soon we will all be dead…just kidding. But I will say that ever since I got over my existential crisis, I arrived at the resolution to live it up as much as I can. Isn’t that what everyone does anyway? Yes. And so will I. This is why I am trying to have as many experiences as possible…but at the same time, it leaves me thirsty for me. I think that there is no satisfying the human hunger for more. People want more things every day…no matter how much they get.

Last summer was memorable, so in keeping with tradition, this summer will be no different. I am happy that I can get to work in another location that is rarely monitored by the higher ups…so I can escape and do whatever I want when the opportunity calls for it. But I have to admit that I will never do this if I have outstanding work to do. I always make sure that I finish my work before I do something outside of the office. Nothing is every truly left undone…of course unless I genuinely have no time to do it because I am busy doing other things.

I think I have arrived at the conclusion that my mind is obsessed with thinking about the near future…next week, next month. It is part of having an anxious personality disorder, I guess. But that is why maybe the weed will help. Trial and error will only tell. I have to somehow figure out how to get a weed pouch…or toiletry case. Maybe ebay will help…Louis Vuitton again? If the price is right, and only if the price is right, of course.

More wars and conflict above, and I do my best to stay away from it all because I have to protect the last bit of tranquility that I have left in this world.

Well. That is it. Later. More later.

I am running out of things to say. What am I supposed to do? Blog for the rest of my life? And say what? The same shit as always? I’m anxious. I’m semi depressed. I hate living at home. I’m 27 and feel like a failure because I’m not independent. I wish I could travel more. I want more out of life. I’m going to die one day. My thoughts torment me. I am too negative. I am sabotaging my relationship for superficial reasons. I have no idea what I am doing with my life.

That’s been the same shit the last 8 years now. Some people are so keen on spreading the hopeful message that “It gets better,” but it does not. It just gets easier to cope with…even still. Those people are able to say that because for them, things did get better. But for some of us, things will never get better. We are slaves to our thoughts, our emotions, our mental health illnesses. I rent and truly loathe those people who are wealthy for no particular reason; the athletes who do absolutely nothing to contribute to the benefit of mankind, only to end up the richest people in the world. An example of how worthless, unfair, and lost this planet is. Why try to change the world? Not only does it not pay, but it does absolutely nothing. Someone or something will come and change it back. Ask Obama and Trump about that.

I don’t know why my brain is the way it is. I looked into the mirror this evening, say myself, and thought that “It’s not you as a person that is fucked up, it is your thoughts, your mind.” But aren’t I my mind? Aren’t I my thoughts? I lay in cold darkness on the floor of my bedroom, wishing some benevolent force would take me away. But it didn’t. Isn’t that a beautiful metaphor? When we, pathetic humans, lay on the floor, in sadness, lamenting everything, wishing we would be dead already? Nothing in the Universe makes sense. Nothing has ever made sense, and nothing will ever make sense.

So what am I doing with my life? I feel like I am wasting it; wasting it in this insignificant town, being forced to make decisions about my uncertain future. Meanwhile, outside these imaginary state lines, billions of people await to be met, many places await to be visited. And I am unable to do this because I am a slave to the debt of an educational entity that its only purpose serves to deceive people into thinking that if you invest in them, they will make you more marketable and prosperous. I am a slave to a green piece of paper that has more value than the life of a person, a tree, another animal, a flower, a precious gem, and just about everything else that exists in this world. Welcome, everyone. Welcome to the world that we have created. You sit and moan, complain, cry, rage, and commit suicide over the status quo, without realizing that we, ourselves, have contributed, are contributing, to the slow but certain downfall of mankind. And perhaps this should be so. I am tired of the insanity. For me, everything is so much easier when I am on xanax. For once, my thoughts go away. For once, all I do is breathe, and nothing else seems to matter. As they say, life is so much easier when we are numb. And this is nothing short of the truth. I hope that you all look at this not with cynicism, but with a third eye, because this is the truth. These are no the random ramblings of someone who is frustrated with his life, they are the reflections of a human who is deeply affected by the constructs of society. Not even yoga can help me calm my thoughts; no matter what I do or what I try to concentrate in, these thoughts go rampant. Is this what is in store for me until I am dead? I try to change things, but it feels like I have no energy. And then, I am reminded that I don’t drive my dream car, live in my dream home, vacation in my dream place, spend my dream amount of money…and then I realized that I have become another pathetic puppet, slave to the capitalist ideas. And maybe all of these will always be just that; dreams. I have absolutely been brainwashed to the idea that if I have more money, I will have a better life and be better than everyone else. I don’t know who I am anymore, and I do not care to know who I have become. People tell me “They loved you!” when someone new meets me, but I have no idea how that could be. If they knew the person I really was, they would stay ten thousand feet away from me. What they see is a fake persona that has to pretend that everything is great, while my thoughts are slowly consuming me, killing me on the inside. At this point, there would be nothing better than to disappear into thin air.

I don’t know who I am anymore and it makes no sense to be alive or to participate in this life. I told myself today, while staring into the shower head, hot water numbing me, that if I had no people in my life that cared about me, I would have killed myself, surely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Back from the Rhode Island shore. But I was not able to go to Newport after all. Still, it was a lovely beach day…although the sun was burning hot. Some thoughts of death and anxiety visited me…but I managed. It was one of those moments where I found myself in disbelief of my own existence. A combination of “Why?” and “How?”.

I am seeing someone…but not official yet. I am not wanting to make it official because I want to take things slow to make sure that this person is right for me to make it official. Last night, he said he “needs” love. I would want to be with someone who “wants” love instead of “needing”. When I asked him if he didn’t think it sounded co-dependent to say he needed love, he said I was too “high strung” and “thought too much of things”. But I am not thinking too much, I am asking valid questions. Maybe I am meant to be alone…forever. Maybe relationships are not for me. Time will only tell…but I do like him. I have to be careful with the things I tell him, I find myself getting carried away, so from now on, I have to be on my guard to make sure that I don’t say things that could make it more complicated.

Another week of work tomorrow…I want to call out. I have barely anything to do. I am suffering in this job, and I have begun to apply for others. How little there is around here. Very depressing. It feels as though I am wasting my life in this place. But what can I do? I am not making excuses…just acknowledging the fact that I am not in the best financial position to move out yet.

Aunt said that there may be a chance that she moves to the Dominican in the “coming years” where she will be able to launch her business, according to her husband. But their claims are to be taken with a grain of salt. So many claims have turned to sand and disappointed me, I no longer believe what they tell me.

I called my brother but he did not pick up, as usual. He sent me a message stating he would call me later today, as he is having a busy weekend, but that I also doubtful.

Cried last night over my dead friend, again. Whenever I am having a life experience, I am torn apart because she should be alive, experiencing it. To die young is the greatest of all tragedies. I miss her, even if she never trusted in me to divulge her woes.

Another shitty night. I’ve had to deal with my friend telling me his good friend died last week. Everyone is dying. I might as well be dead too.

Feelings of worthlessness, depression, and anxiety. I’m listening to Frank Ocean for the first time (Channel Orange) and I like it. I don’t see the point in living anymore. I might as well be dead already. Tomorrow, another day of work. I wonder if I will get laid. That’s my mission. Sex as much as possible. Relationships are for boring people. I can’t fucking believe I was brought into this world. I wish I wasn’t.