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I’ve been struggling the past week and a half with my relationship. I love my boyfriend, I deeply care about him in a way that I have never cared for another guy before. Yet I struggle; yes, every relationship has their good and bad. Nobody is perfect, no matter how alike or different they are from us. My dad told me that “We are always seeking that perfection which doesn’t exist,” and it’s true.
The struggles come because he isn’t on the same level of culture as I am. We have different hobbies. He doesn’t care much for social issues, while I do. My hobbies are more in tune with those of an older person, while his are those of someone who is younger. I like the woods, hikes, museums, and the such. He likes video games, reality TV, and pop culture. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this. Being with him has made me realize that I couldn’t be with someone who is a clone of me. I will give an example; I have a friend who has similar tastes to me, so we have deep conversations about life. But the last time we talked, the conversation got very overwhelming and I had to deflect and end it. At that moment I realized that it would not be healthy for me, personally, to be with someone with the same thought process as mine. It would drive me insane; I already drive myself insane. My boyfriend does a good job in making sure I “snap out of it.” He has stayed and faught for this relationship despite all the things I have done to him and my extremely difficult ways of being with my thoughts. He forgave me after I confessed to him that I was watching too much porn, which was affecting our sex life. He forgave me when I told him that I didn’t think he dressed appropriately for my birthday. He forgave me when I took the site of other guys that I  was talking to that I had met online (and live out of state) years ago. And lately, he forgave me when I told him that he didn’t fulfill me 100%.
This is all true love to me. I often ask myself what the reasons are behind the fact that he has not left me yet. Is my unconscious mind trying to sabotage this relationship?
The reasoning behind me saying he does not fulfill me completely also made no sense; I felt that he would say no to the activities I would suggest doing, when in fact, I have only made two suggestions. The first was one was last year, when I asked him to go on a walk, and the second was recent, when I asked him to watch a show with me and he said the subject of the show was of no interest to him. Yet I have done everything he has suggested (has all been mostly TV shows) without protesting at all. He must have asked me if I felt that the relationship was one sided for a reason, he must have suspected. And he was right, and I told him.
He let me know that he would try to do things with me and would be open to doing so. I worried so much this past week whether that would work or not that I threw myself into an emotional pit of dread and ended up having to hide in the bathroom to cry. He also says ignorant comments here and there. I have come to learn that he does not mean what he says; he is not a bad person. This is the way that he was raised; he has lived in the same town all his life and did not go to a four year college where learning about diversity is key. Now, this is not to say that I firmly believe one must attend college; I don’t. I know college is not for everyone. There were several times during my college years that I considered dropping out. In the end, I am glad that I didn’t. But it would have helped him to get to know more people of diverse backgrounds. None of this justifies the things he says, I have made several comments and dropped hints regarding the fact that these bother me. During one of our discussions, he concluded that maybe there was a possibility that things were not as he thought they would be. This gave me faith that there is hope in educating him.
I know he loves me and cares about me; he has proven this to me and I will never, or have I ever, questioned how he feels about me. I believe everything he says in regards to how he feels about the relationship and how he feels about me. I have never connected so well with him, and our relationship just works, somehow, despite our differences. This isn’t something to question. I think that this is something to be celebrated. I have met many guys, gone on dates, and have been lead on to the point where I thought that there was something wrong with me. So after my last, short relationship, I dedicated to only having sex, convinced that this was all I was good for. He made me realize that I am so much better than that life…and he is right. It was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I don’t want to ruin what we have; I concluded that I want to give this relationship a CHANCE. He has given me, and continues to give me many chances. I am going to hold him to his word and hope that he really comes through with saying that he is open and willing to try new things with me. I will continue to educate him and immediately call him out if he says something ignorant. If, after sometime, I notice that there are no changes, I, with all the hurt in my sould, will have to end it. I would much rather tell myself that I gave this relationship a fair chance, and worked to improve it, rather than just give up and walk away. I love him a lot and that is why I don’t want to let this go to waste. But if the changes that I mentioned do not happen over time, I know what I have to do.
Regardless, I have to stop my mind from running and making up scenarios or fantasies that do not exist. I have to fully live in the moment and go by facts and past evidence. I don’t want to push away every person that tries to get close to me. I am focusing only on the negative aspects of things, rather than the positives. This is something that I have to work on, before it ruins my life.
Here’s to hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night, I went to the emergency room with an infection. Details will not be discussed.
As I lay there, in that hospital bed, my hopes and dreams for the future came to a stand still. Although it was not a life threatening condition, it was still a moment of fear. Perhaps not sheer fear, but fear enough to case me to shake uncontrollably with anxiety, sending my blood pressure to unwanted levels.
As people around me came and went, the most conspicuous occupant was a deluded man, screaming that he did not want to die. Being an introvert, the stimulus was too much for me. My brain could not help but to capture every action and event around me. But it was in that hospital bed, that I realized god was truly dead. There is absolutely no chance that there is a benevolent being that is looking after humanity. We are all alone in our suffering, at the cosmic level. Perhaps it should bring solace to many that we have each other when we suffer, and, after all, that could very well be one of the many purposes of life; to take care of one another in times of need. I still believe, above all, that there is a purpose to life. I still believe that the god we must worship is visible, and that it was created by a force that we cannot understand.
I find it curious that, for some reason, I felt some type of peace. Although the atmosphere was terrible, torturous even, I knew then, laying that hospital bed, that I truly have absolutely no control over my life. Yes, we may have control over what clothes to wear, or what food to eat, or what time we retire to bed, but we do not have control over the bigger panorama. As stated before, “the key to a happy life is to accept that we are never in control.” And perhaps this is the cause of our massive anxiety; wanting to be in control. But we have to learn to let go.

Last night was an experience that taught me about the fragility of life, the meaning of true love, the doubts over our purpose, the continuous struggle with suffering, and the importance of cultivating the present time. We came to this world to love one another, to show compassion towards one another, and to encourage each other to succeed. Systems may be broken, politicians corrupt, injustices committed, but we have to learn how to truly take care of one another. We have to do our best to learn how to react to the situations that we do not control. A lot of times, it is important to understand that what truly matters is how we react and how we manage the situations that life brings our ways. Because there will always be situations that life brings to us. We may simply be sitting at home, but they shall come nevertheless.

Although what ocurred to me last night was not life threatening, it still opened my eyes to some of the unpleasant truths about our world. This does not mean that I will give up. I will continue to strive for a better life. I will continue to seek out the best opportunities and surround myself with the people that I care about. Love is, perhaps, the single most important aspect of life. Love is the strength that keeps us living. It is the glue that binds us with our hopes and desires. It is compassion and happiness. There is no choice for me but to continue to lead a normal life, as best as I can, and make the best out of the present situation. After all, as they always say, things could be much worse. I am blessed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not sure why but I am thinking too much about my feelings for him. Not sure what feelings toward someone is supposed to feel like. I know I care about him, I like to spend time with him, but for some reason all these things are going through my head that should not be going through my head. He is kind to me, understands me, listens, offers advice, wisdom, affection, passion, loyalty, and strong patience. We can never win because we will never find the perfect partner. It is curious because my last one dressed modestly and had the same interests that I had, but did not show as much affection, nurture, or passion as my present does. But he shows all of that…only that our interests vary and we do not dress the same. It is so silly to think of those as reasons to give up a relationship. They are so petty and superficial.

Final round of interview next week, and things will be decided then. I booked a trip to the Dominican island for November, and I shall be cunning in regards to masking that from them. Luckily, 4 weeks notice is required at my current position…that works out in my favor. I think that this is truly meant to be.

I long for Vermont…but alas, it is nearly three weeks away. I pray KD does not cancel it, I will be extremely upset.

I’m very perturbed at this moment by something that has been bothering me for quite sometime, but did not, for reasons unknown to me, impact me deeply until last night. I’m scared that I may not be able to form a romantic relationship with someone in the future. All I have been doing since my last breakup in March is having sex and flirting with men. Even though I have kept the number of sexual partners under a certain amount, I feel that this is the only type of relation that I can have. My negative experiences have shaped this; I have had very few positive relationships. It’s so much easier to bare your body than your soul, they say. I agree with this…but at the same time, I feel that this is such a sad concept. While there is nothing wrong with sex, for me, personally, sex is a very intimate thing. I can differentiate between someone I care about and someone I don’t care about. There are certain guys that I don’t care about, and thus, it’s easy for me to have sex with them. But when I become involved with someone and develop an actual friendship, if sex were to occur, I would want to make sure that we are still in communications afterwards. I have had too many instances where men stop engaging with me once I have given in…But this is not to say that I am innocent. I have had my fair share of disappearing acts. However, sex was not always something that occurred prior.

Regardless, for some reason, I feel as if someone turned the “romance” switch off inside my head. It also does not help that I read a very interesting article that describes the notion of “love” from a scientific point of view. It’s all about neurons and cells, you see. I believe that I have described this briefly in one of my previous entries, and this information is easily accessible to anyone on the net if you desire to read scientific journals on this matter. Ever since reading that article, I have put the pieces of the enigma (then again, if science can explain it, was it ever an enigma?) together and realized, that because love can be explained from a scientific point of view, there is no use in humanizing it. Of course, people will continue to humanize this because they need someone to latch onto…among many concepts. This is, as we all know, to make human existence tolerable and create a purpose. Some may ask: “Wouldn’t you still want to feel good sensations with a person?” This may be…but I can do that through sex. I don’t feel the desire to experience any other type of sensation apart from physical pleasure. Am I really jaded if I have discovered the truth for myself? There is so much effort in getting to know someone, and there are many risks associated with letting down one’s guards to become vulnerable to them. My problem is that I have always invested so much more of myself unto others than they have unto me…all to no avail. I have grown tired of the same process over the years. I should ask myself, however, if this is something that truly bothers me. After all, this is a truth that I have found to work for me…

I am completely at peace with being single…but not completely at peace with the thought of my inability to form romantic relationships, at this point of my life anyway. Besides, I am still young and unsure of the direction that my life is taking. Why would I want to hook somebody along this age of uncertainty? My only complaint is that I wish men would tell me that all they are looking to get from me is sex. Why be afraid of telling that to someone? It saves a lot of collective grief. Again, they have no problem in baring their private parts and bodies, yet fear baring their true intentions. What nuisance. No matter what sexual orientation, being in a relationship is complicated, but being single is just as complicated when dealing with a situation such as this one.

I go through these stages of self awareness, depending on what is happening with my life…but lately, I feel as if these stages are abundant. Since I started smoking weed again, I have begun to, yet again, awaken more.

This is not to say that I was not awoke before…on the contrary, with every period of smoking; whether it’s a couple of weeks or a month or two, I discover new ideas and new ways to see and perceive the world.. Unfortunately, this time, the thoughts of enlightenment are pessimistic. However, there is some solace in this. Let me explain: basically, all we are is just a bunch of cells. We are a composition of millions of cells that perceive the stimuli around us 24/7. There are many that say that science can’t explain love, but it can. Basically, our brain trains us, through the rewards system, to release chemicals whenever we see that one person that we like. When we experience a break up, our brain has to backtrack to the stage it was in prior to meeting that person…until the next lover comes along.

I have truly come to believe that people are inherently selfish; and rightly so. The world that we have created for ourselves is hostile and downright incongruous. We are always asking ourselves “Why?” We fail to realize that we have created this for ourselves. Those of us who are awake, or in the process of waking up, begin to realize that the majority of the world is engulfed into this world of delusion and lives. We have humanized absolutely everything because we cannot cope nor accept the cruel reality that is life and its absurdity. The realists and the existentialists have it right…I must give credit where credit is due.
I have also come to realize that drug addiction is not something to judge; we, as humans, rely on contact, emotions, social support, and relations in order to thrive. We have to develop positive relationships with people in order for us to function properly. I am by no means championing drug addiction; but I truly understand and even sympathize with those who suffer from this. Humans have become so intolerable towards one another that at times, we turn to substances that makes us feel good for support and comfort. How sad is that? We have become obsessed with looks, money, and consumption. We are always worried about the newest and shiniest product instead of supporting one another. I am not stating that everyone must get along; I am merely stating that if we were not as isolated, the world would be a more tolerable place. Technology is supposed to connect us instantly to others around us; yet, it has isolated us so much from one another that we have become extremely intolerable. Take gay hook up apps for example; the sewers of the earth are more inhabitable than these. These apps serve the purpose of fulfilling sexual satisfaction in a matter of minutes or hours. It makes it easier to connect; yet, they only perpetuate the stereotypes and superficiality of the human mind. We literally scroll through pictures of people, as if shopping for our next product. We forget that these are people with feelings, emotions, ambitions, pains, sufferings, and life stories…so one would like to think! This fascinates me. Yet, all we focus on are the looks and outside properties. We are so keen on obtaining that instant gratification that we forget to connect as beings. Many people do not want to settle until they reach their 30s; this is why I have given up in trying to make a genuine connection with someone. There is nobody my age, I have found, at least around these parts, that thinks like me. I have only met one person who did…and they turned out to be an asshole (I honestly don’t like to use curse words in my writing, but there are no other words that can properly describe this person). Though, I am jaded myself, I still put in my heart and soul in getting to know someone. I reveal so much of myself to others…my tenderness, that I sometimes forget that they don’t care, for the most part. All they are after is the sexual gratification. This is part of my problem; I cannot find someone that will mentally stimulate me and satisfy my needs at the same time. I do not just settle for anyone. Yes, I do the ocasional cheap hook up, but to me, that gets boring over time. I am looking for someone to stimulate me mentally to the point where I grow as a person. I am much more turned on by intellectual conversations rather than sex. This is why I truly believe that I am not of this world. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. Am I alone? Am I the only one who feels this way? This is why I have also felt like a loner and outsider for most of my life; I grew up around adults and did not have many friends while I was growing up, and thus, my mind set growing up was perhaps a little different than most of those who grew up around other children.
However, in any case, my point is that we are living in the age of loneliness and isolation. Technology offers many advantages and solutions to connecting with one another, but some of us are forgetting that it is destroying face to face contact. You put so much of yourself into text, that when you meet someone, you feel as if you have known them for quite sometime. The more we disclose of ourselves, the closer we feel to that person. When the face to face connection is not successful or not as exciting as the text conversation, that other person may not want to continue contact. This leaves us feeling lost, confused, and lonely. But this is truly the reason as to why we feel even more lonely; technology makes it easier for us to tell our life stories to others that when we meet them in person there isn’t that much else to disclose. The excitement is gone…and this is something that truly makes a difference in the process of meeting others.
And thus, when we fail to form these positive relationships, and loneliness takes over, we turn to the innate for positivity. This is why there are so many people who use drugs in our modern world. Yes, drugs have been a part of human culture for ages, but more so in 2015. I am amazed at the number of gay men who are using drugs. Rejection from society is a factor, but when your entire existence is based on sex, you deny yourself the chance to meet someone. And that leads to mass loneliness and feelings of desperation. It’s all subconscious obviously, nobody is going to admit that to us. Drugs are like an escape from that entire culture, and even if you don’t take part in it, you still feel alienated because you can’t find someone else who is not taking part in that.
However, I am amazed at the number of people in general that take drugs. This is because we have created a culture of instant gratification and done away with the magic involved in the process that is meeting and getting to know others. And so, we find comfort and escape in the world of drugs. The only positive relationship that some have are with drugs. Drugs affect the way that we think and view the world; some drugs even affect brain structure. When someone uses drugs for an extended period of time, they become uninterested in human interaction; and rightly so. With the way humans are, there is nothing else left to discover. There is no stimulation that a human can offer compared to the power of drugs…but I truly believe that those of us who are awakened have something unique to offer. The true challenge is to find others who are.
I have hope that there are many like me wondering this planet, looking for that someone who is awakened and not truly ruined by the delusional and superficial culture that we have created for ourselves. Consumerism is driving us to the edge of absolute ruin. Although I try my best not to take part in this system, I still find myself going along with the rest. I do believe that it is inevitable to escape it.
I have lost a lot of interest in other people because I truly feel that I am not like the majority .Yes, there are others who seek what I seek. but they are difficult to find. Everyone has their own story, their own struggle, their own hell that they are traversing through; I am not one to judge. However, I will never understand why so many choose to destroy themselves by engaging in the system that we have created. Perhaps this is an escape mechanism…they feel that perhaps they cannot fight the system and thus believe that the only way to minimize pain is to become submerged in it.
I can relate to this in a certain way. Even though I am looking for someone who will mentally stimulate and challenge me, I have come to the conclusion that most gay men are not this way, and that nobody is going to want to settle until they are in their 30’s. Even still, they find themselves in a state of confusion because they cannot find what they seek. There are times that I truly believe that death (not from a suicidal perspective) would be the solution to the problems we are facing today. The world is completely irreparable. It is in such a destitute, desolate, and incongruous state; there is no going back. We will continue to descend into absolute madness and chaos. This is an irreversible process; and the reason that I do not want to bring any children into this hostile jungle. We will never be satisfied and we will never be truly happy. We will always want more, no matter how much we have. This is one of the many fallacies of the human mind; and it will ultimately lead to our destruction. It’s not a question of “Perhaps we will be better off this way,” but “We are better off this way.”
The Universe will not be able to grasp this madness much longer, either. It’s time to go home. I am thinking of simpler times.

Do you want to know what’s really fucking sad? Do you want to look inside your inner core and truly weep? Look at videos and/or pictures of you when you were a baby or a toddler. Compare how you were then to how you are now; broken, corrupted, jaded, abused, sad. Those were the only genuine and happy smiles that were a product of no worries and a wonderful life. That glow of happiness, curiosity, joy, and thirst for adventure in your innocent eyes is the most beautiful thing you will ever see about yourself. And now, look at you; de-flowered, depressed, cutting yourself, using drugs, drinking alcohol, having sex, wanting to kill yourself. Who knew that innocent child would grow into a tragic fucking mess? Who knew that the joy, innocence, curiosity, and happiness would leave your eyes; taking with them that glowing light that indicated that you were full of life? Back then, there was someone home. But now, your eyes are gray, exhausted, worn down by tears. I miss that child, I love that child; but he is never coming back. He is dead.

Today is a new day. I decided that no more tears. I should save them for something and someone who is worth it and values me.

Counseling went very well. I realized that I need to move on, and that he wasn’t right for me. He gave me no affection, and I put in more than he did into the relationship. If he wants to go around being a slut, then so be it. I will never succumb to that disgusting reputation. I don’t care.

I will learn from this, and I know that someone better will come along. I still think he made a mistake, but I can’t turn back time. This is a life lesson. I don’t understand it now, and I don’t see it, but one day I will. And I will know that it was for the better. Things do happen for a reason. I don’t care what people say. My life so far is evidence that things do happen so I can learn and move on. Right now it may not be my time to be with someone. People my age are still growing. I’m still growing, but I am ahead of most others. I’m an old soul. And I know for a fact that I will accept nothing less than to be respected and valued for the person I am.

He may come around they tell me, but that makes no sense. If he dumped me that means he doesn’t have what I want. And he can’t give me what I need. I gave, he didn’t. I tried, he failed.

“So watch me now, and I’ll be someone new. My heart will be unbroken, it will open up for everyone but you.”

Your loss.

Today I realized that it’s his loss for breaking up with me. I may have my flaws of being negative, worrying too much, and uncertain, but guess what? I’m a great person. I’m a great guy. You blew it. I realize that I may have contributed to it, but if you were TRUE, you would have stuck through it and helped me, like you said you would. I certainly tolerated you being “happy” 24/7 and not being as affectionate as I was towards you. I know I put in more effort into this than you did.

So it’s your loss for leaving me. I hope you are happy with your decision. And hopefully you won’t regret it. I will find someone that does appreciate me fully and is willing to BE THERE for me through all my flaws, insecurities, and trepidations. I’m a great guy, of this I am certain. You made a big mistake.

“There’s once in a lifetime, and there’s once in a while. And the difference between the two is about a million miles. Oh you might get lucky, while the moon is looking up. But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone. You can hold any boy that you like, fall in love when it’s easy at night. But you’ll wake up wondering why he ain’t ever something better. When you’re lost and you run out of road, find what I already know. But you won’t find this, no you won’t find this.”

After hearing the news that Demi and Ashton are divorcing, I couldn’t help but to reflect on relationships. Why do people cheat? The whole context of being in a relationship is to make each other happy and be there for one another no matter what. If you’re no longer happy with someone, leave them before you deeply hurt them by cheating. I never understood the whole concept of cheating, nor why people do it. I also just love how if a man cheats, it’s ok, but if a woman does, she’s a total whore, slut, skank, and a total disgrace. It makes me so angry.

I once asked one of my cousins (who has cheated numerous times on numerous girlfriends) why he cheated, and he told me: Because you want to have your cake and eat it too.

Really? No, I don’t accept that. If you’re going to cheat on someone by sleeping or massively flirting with someone else, LEAVE THEM. Yes, I count massive flirting as cheating. I guess we all have our own definition and limitations when it comes to cheating. In relationships, you must draw a line that cannot be crossed. If it were to be crossed, the relationship would be over, no questions asked. Make yourself be respected.

Another aspect that bothers me is that Demi and Ashton were married for 6 years. I know they say that nothing lasts forever…but if you were with someone for that long, why would you cheat? I suppose that no matter whom I talk to in life, I will never, EVER, understand why people cheat. They say monogamy is dead…but I know for a fact that there are a few couples out there who have lasted a lifetime. They are proof that through work and loving dedication, you can make something last a LIFETIME.

I end by saying that I am still extremely surprised that life changes week by week. Every week there is something new…another day another drama.

More later (there’s always more).

for some strange reason I feel extremely hopeful and sort of happy. I feel like everything is going to be ok and that I am going to be getting a bf soon. delusion? reality? I have no idea. But this is scary nevertheless. It’s new…sort of. I just don’t know. I have been advised to go with the flow. I guess that I will have to, I have no other choice.

fight and be strong.