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I guess nobody has been reading these anymore in the past few weeks; but that is not the intent of these anyway. Who knows if they ever DID read them in the past.

It’s another week night and another day of wondering what direction my life is taking. I think that my relationship has taken a turn for the interesting “worse” if that’s even the right word I am using. He is a very good boyfriend, but I think that as a person, he does have a lot of things that he needs to work on. We all do, but I suspect that maybe he has some type of personality disorder. Then again, aren’t we all sick with weirdness? But in all seriousness, his type of personality is very different from mine. Is that something that I can deal with in the long run? I have learned a lot about myself, about life, and about relationships during the duration of this romance. Is it time to let go and find someone that is more suitable?
The most frustrating part is that basically, the last 6 or 8 years have been spent trying to connect with decent men, and nothing has been long term and successful. Yes, maybe it did not help that sex apps and websites were being used to meet these people, but it is sad to believe that not a single man has stuck around long enough for it to be called a genuine friendship. Forget relationships, not even a friendship has resulted from this. And then, the last year and a half was spent trying to also find someone interesting. Yes, I was looking in the wrong place, but even the men that were very similar to me in terms of hobbies, interests, and personality did not work out. Is that only because they wanted to have sex? Is it only because, after seeing that I wanted something deeper, it was not what they wanted? And yet, the person that I connected with instantly is very different from me. He does not see life 100% the same way as I do, and maybe nobody ever should see life 100% of the same way that someone else does. But still, it would be a lot easier if that percentage was that of a healthy amount.

I used to be very jaded, and maybe I still am on certain things. It’s easier to live in La La land and pretend that everything is going very well. And maybe things are going much better than they used to, but that perfection and idealism that everyone strives for is never going to come. Maybe going on vacation with him is going to be the last frontier; the last test to see if things will truly last. Some say that a year is a good trial period for any relationship. After the year goes by, the people involved start to ask themselves if this is something that they would be wanting to do for the long term. As of now, it kills me to say that there is a slight chance that this is not the relationship for me. It makes me angry to think about all of the men that I have met, all of the fiascos, drama, unpleasant moments, and nonsense that has been dealt with….and finally, along comes somebody that seems to understand and pick up on the qualities that I have identified as repelling many others in the past. So why is he still here? Why, after many times of saying otherwise, is he still staying? Maybe he suffers from what we all suffer from; thinking that this could be it, not wanting to be lonely…thinking that maybe there is nobody else out there for them. I admit that finding somebody with a good head on their shoulders is extremely difficult. Yes. Some say that it is the state that we are living in, but reports have revealed that others feel the same way out of state. So what else is there to seek? It is amazing to me that many men would act shocked at the revelation that I have a full time job and a car. But isn’t that a given? Isn’t that something that every sane, level person that has a vision for their life want? So many lost souls in this sea of darkness, and so much drug use taking place. It is very sad.

Anyway. There is a staff picnic tomorrow that is going to help me get my mind off of things. Today, a conference that got out early, so it was a nice break from the office. All I have is Friday and then the weekend. And the following week, I have to get through two days and then vacation.

But speaking of vacation, M has revealed some family tragedies and that it might disrupt the time that was planned. Prayers and thoughts to the family going through a difficult time. And when I say prayers, I do not mean religious prayers, but hopes of good will and fortune for a favorable outcome.

I saw SE yesterday; they say that there are about 3 weeks left before the end. But the caretakers think otherwise; much more time left. Still, it was a difficult visit. Not as difficult as initially predicted, but tough enough. It was hard to see a hospital bed in the room, and it was sad not to get a reaction after a “Hello” or the calling of a name. So this is how it all ends; devoid of reality, in a blissful sleep, awaiting the end. What else is there to do? I try my best not to think about these things, because they could trigger some thoughts that relate to the existential crisis of last year. That is not a good place to be in, and I do not want to go back to that place again. I worry immensely for future losses.

And today, there was some light depression in my head. A sense of not knowing what to do with my life. A sense of not knowing what to do and where to move to if my relationship ends. Make no mistake; I will be devastated if it does end, but life is much better if one seeks the meaning behind everything, as long as it is not causing madness.

I am a human, and like the rest of the world, I have no idea what I am doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tomorrow marks a week since I went to Vermont. It was a truly magnificent experience; I haven’t been since June of last year. The way of life up there is much more different than it is here. Everything is slower…people seem to be nicer, happier, and relaxed. Of course, that is not the way that things are in this dump. People are miserable, pathetic, and disgusting. Sad. But I won’t let that ruin me. Going to Vermont is like going to a whole other world. I wish that it was eternal summer…I would pack everything and move up there. Yes, I would be willing to leave my life behind and start new. The only problem is that I could not survive the Winters there. I already struggle with our mild Winters. And speaking of seasons, summer is coming to an end soon and I am already feeling dreadful about it. It was not long enough and it was gone much too soon…like everything in life. I am not going to get into that.

I continue to read my diary entries from yesteryears and I am so amazed at the transformations that I have gone through. Even though I am not finished yet (and I will be very sad when I do, these are just amazing and put a lot into perspective), I can see how far I have come. I can see how much my mind has changed. Today, I can say that for once, maybe since I was a child, I am very happy with my life. There are things that have not yet been achieved (moving out of state, living alone, paying off debt, etc.), but we are close to being debt free, and that will transition us into moving out in the coming months. Change is possible, and for me, things did get better. I realize that this is not the case for a lot of people. I remember asking: “How do you know that it gets better? You don’t know.”  And yes, we might not actually know that it gets better. Maybe that saying is for people whose lives DID get better, so they are allowed to tell others “It gets better,” but what they are really trying to say is, “It got better for me, so there is a possibility that it might get better for you.” I am one of the few lucky ones whose life really did get better. I count my blessings each and every single day. I am thankful for all of the positive changes and the stability that life has brought to me in the last year or so. Finally, finally, I can look back to these older diary entries and feel a sense of security, feel a sense of relief, that all of that pain, torture, and depression is so far away, that I am not able to see it in the rearview mirror. It’s like the giant mountain that slowly disappears out of view, so you shift your eyes and look forward, because there is nowhere else to look but ahead. I really am happy that this is how my life is turning out so far. Yes- there will be times of struggle and hardship; that is inevitable. But in the great scheme of life, there is nothing that I can complain about. Thank you life for all of the abundance. I am overjoyed. Positive changes are very possible, and for me, yes, it got better.

I am glad the week is over. It was busy and a little stressful at times, but we managed. I am also thankful that there is no more tension in my relationship. I had to cut J out completely because after stating that boundaries had to be respected, the message did not truly resonate, and so, I was left with no choice. This was the only choice; it was the right decision. This is something that I should have done a very long time ago. My naive spirit got the best of me, and I confess that I did not think that this would be a problem. Had there been hindsight, none of this would have happened. Just know that there was no harm intended on my part; no malicious or ill will plans. This was truly an honest mistake; which was accepted as being on our part, and it will provide a great and significant opportunity for self growth. It is better to learn about this now than to learn it later on in life. Yes, that is what life is all about, for some, learning lessons. But these lessons can only be learned through mistakes. The only downside is that my partner had to suffer and felt hurt by these mistakes. The positive side of this story is that this will never happen again, and that it is finally behind us both. Everything truly does happen for a reason, and if life dictated that J had to leave forever, then I accept what life has to teach me. It is important to always be open to change. It is important to embrace our errors, mistakes, mishaps, and to learn from them. It is pointless to beat ourselves up and focus on the feelings of dread that they might cause. What we need to do, and what we should have done a long time ago, is to take these mistakes and only focus on the positive, and on what each of these had to teach us. That way, they would not be committed again.

Not much going on this weekend. I am still struggling with the fact that my partner is not as active as I am. Everything else has finally fallen into place, and I truly feel that all of our hurdles are finally behind us. But at the end of the day, this is something that I cannot simply ignore. It bothers me, and I am trying to come around so that it does not bother me. Something can fix this, right? I do believe that there are solutions to these type of things. I am trying to find out how to exactly handle this situation…and the hope is that it can somehow be resolved. The best thing is to avoid conflict. However, at the end of the day, a part of me feels disappointed. Reading through these past entries, through the years, there is a common theme (among many), and that is to find something to have a connection with. The greatest irony of all, is that I have met men in the past that had very similar interests to mine, but there was never a true connection there. Perhaps with only two, but I drove them away. And still, the circumstances of life back then would not have allowed the relationship to work out. And now that I made an instant connection to someone, which has resulted into my first adult relationship, there are “problems” because he practically does not like to do anything. Only time will tell what is going to happen. I know that I would be devastated if things came to an end, but as my wise friend said to me recently, “Opposites attract, but do they stay together?”

I’ve been struggling the past week and a half with my relationship. I love my boyfriend, I deeply care about him in a way that I have never cared for another guy before. Yet I struggle; yes, every relationship has their good and bad. Nobody is perfect, no matter how alike or different they are from us. My dad told me that “We are always seeking that perfection which doesn’t exist,” and it’s true.
The struggles come because he isn’t on the same level of culture as I am. We have different hobbies. He doesn’t care much for social issues, while I do. My hobbies are more in tune with those of an older person, while his are those of someone who is younger. I like the woods, hikes, museums, and the such. He likes video games, reality TV, and pop culture. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with this. Being with him has made me realize that I couldn’t be with someone who is a clone of me. I will give an example; I have a friend who has similar tastes to me, so we have deep conversations about life. But the last time we talked, the conversation got very overwhelming and I had to deflect and end it. At that moment I realized that it would not be healthy for me, personally, to be with someone with the same thought process as mine. It would drive me insane; I already drive myself insane. My boyfriend does a good job in making sure I “snap out of it.” He has stayed and faught for this relationship despite all the things I have done to him and my extremely difficult ways of being with my thoughts. He forgave me after I confessed to him that I was watching too much porn, which was affecting our sex life. He forgave me when I told him that I didn’t think he dressed appropriately for my birthday. He forgave me when I took the site of other guys that I  was talking to that I had met online (and live out of state) years ago. And lately, he forgave me when I told him that he didn’t fulfill me 100%.
This is all true love to me. I often ask myself what the reasons are behind the fact that he has not left me yet. Is my unconscious mind trying to sabotage this relationship?
The reasoning behind me saying he does not fulfill me completely also made no sense; I felt that he would say no to the activities I would suggest doing, when in fact, I have only made two suggestions. The first was one was last year, when I asked him to go on a walk, and the second was recent, when I asked him to watch a show with me and he said the subject of the show was of no interest to him. Yet I have done everything he has suggested (has all been mostly TV shows) without protesting at all. He must have asked me if I felt that the relationship was one sided for a reason, he must have suspected. And he was right, and I told him.
He let me know that he would try to do things with me and would be open to doing so. I worried so much this past week whether that would work or not that I threw myself into an emotional pit of dread and ended up having to hide in the bathroom to cry. He also says ignorant comments here and there. I have come to learn that he does not mean what he says; he is not a bad person. This is the way that he was raised; he has lived in the same town all his life and did not go to a four year college where learning about diversity is key. Now, this is not to say that I firmly believe one must attend college; I don’t. I know college is not for everyone. There were several times during my college years that I considered dropping out. In the end, I am glad that I didn’t. But it would have helped him to get to know more people of diverse backgrounds. None of this justifies the things he says, I have made several comments and dropped hints regarding the fact that these bother me. During one of our discussions, he concluded that maybe there was a possibility that things were not as he thought they would be. This gave me faith that there is hope in educating him.
I know he loves me and cares about me; he has proven this to me and I will never, or have I ever, questioned how he feels about me. I believe everything he says in regards to how he feels about the relationship and how he feels about me. I have never connected so well with him, and our relationship just works, somehow, despite our differences. This isn’t something to question. I think that this is something to be celebrated. I have met many guys, gone on dates, and have been lead on to the point where I thought that there was something wrong with me. So after my last, short relationship, I dedicated to only having sex, convinced that this was all I was good for. He made me realize that I am so much better than that life…and he is right. It was emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. I don’t want to ruin what we have; I concluded that I want to give this relationship a CHANCE. He has given me, and continues to give me many chances. I am going to hold him to his word and hope that he really comes through with saying that he is open and willing to try new things with me. I will continue to educate him and immediately call him out if he says something ignorant. If, after sometime, I notice that there are no changes, I, with all the hurt in my sould, will have to end it. I would much rather tell myself that I gave this relationship a fair chance, and worked to improve it, rather than just give up and walk away. I love him a lot and that is why I don’t want to let this go to waste. But if the changes that I mentioned do not happen over time, I know what I have to do.
Regardless, I have to stop my mind from running and making up scenarios or fantasies that do not exist. I have to fully live in the moment and go by facts and past evidence. I don’t want to push away every person that tries to get close to me. I am focusing only on the negative aspects of things, rather than the positives. This is something that I have to work on, before it ruins my life.
Here’s to hope.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last night, I went to the emergency room with an infection. Details will not be discussed.
As I lay there, in that hospital bed, my hopes and dreams for the future came to a stand still. Although it was not a life threatening condition, it was still a moment of fear. Perhaps not sheer fear, but fear enough to case me to shake uncontrollably with anxiety, sending my blood pressure to unwanted levels.
As people around me came and went, the most conspicuous occupant was a deluded man, screaming that he did not want to die. Being an introvert, the stimulus was too much for me. My brain could not help but to capture every action and event around me. But it was in that hospital bed, that I realized god was truly dead. There is absolutely no chance that there is a benevolent being that is looking after humanity. We are all alone in our suffering, at the cosmic level. Perhaps it should bring solace to many that we have each other when we suffer, and, after all, that could very well be one of the many purposes of life; to take care of one another in times of need. I still believe, above all, that there is a purpose to life. I still believe that the god we must worship is visible, and that it was created by a force that we cannot understand.
I find it curious that, for some reason, I felt some type of peace. Although the atmosphere was terrible, torturous even, I knew then, laying that hospital bed, that I truly have absolutely no control over my life. Yes, we may have control over what clothes to wear, or what food to eat, or what time we retire to bed, but we do not have control over the bigger panorama. As stated before, “the key to a happy life is to accept that we are never in control.” And perhaps this is the cause of our massive anxiety; wanting to be in control. But we have to learn to let go.

Last night was an experience that taught me about the fragility of life, the meaning of true love, the doubts over our purpose, the continuous struggle with suffering, and the importance of cultivating the present time. We came to this world to love one another, to show compassion towards one another, and to encourage each other to succeed. Systems may be broken, politicians corrupt, injustices committed, but we have to learn how to truly take care of one another. We have to do our best to learn how to react to the situations that we do not control. A lot of times, it is important to understand that what truly matters is how we react and how we manage the situations that life brings our ways. Because there will always be situations that life brings to us. We may simply be sitting at home, but they shall come nevertheless.

Although what ocurred to me last night was not life threatening, it still opened my eyes to some of the unpleasant truths about our world. This does not mean that I will give up. I will continue to strive for a better life. I will continue to seek out the best opportunities and surround myself with the people that I care about. Love is, perhaps, the single most important aspect of life. Love is the strength that keeps us living. It is the glue that binds us with our hopes and desires. It is compassion and happiness. There is no choice for me but to continue to lead a normal life, as best as I can, and make the best out of the present situation. After all, as they always say, things could be much worse. I am blessed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not sure why but I am thinking too much about my feelings for him. Not sure what feelings toward someone is supposed to feel like. I know I care about him, I like to spend time with him, but for some reason all these things are going through my head that should not be going through my head. He is kind to me, understands me, listens, offers advice, wisdom, affection, passion, loyalty, and strong patience. We can never win because we will never find the perfect partner. It is curious because my last one dressed modestly and had the same interests that I had, but did not show as much affection, nurture, or passion as my present does. But he shows all of that…only that our interests vary and we do not dress the same. It is so silly to think of those as reasons to give up a relationship. They are so petty and superficial.

Final round of interview next week, and things will be decided then. I booked a trip to the Dominican island for November, and I shall be cunning in regards to masking that from them. Luckily, 4 weeks notice is required at my current position…that works out in my favor. I think that this is truly meant to be.

I long for Vermont…but alas, it is nearly three weeks away. I pray KD does not cancel it, I will be extremely upset.

I’m very perturbed at this moment by something that has been bothering me for quite sometime, but did not, for reasons unknown to me, impact me deeply until last night. I’m scared that I may not be able to form a romantic relationship with someone in the future. All I have been doing since my last breakup in March is having sex and flirting with men. Even though I have kept the number of sexual partners under a certain amount, I feel that this is the only type of relation that I can have. My negative experiences have shaped this; I have had very few positive relationships. It’s so much easier to bare your body than your soul, they say. I agree with this…but at the same time, I feel that this is such a sad concept. While there is nothing wrong with sex, for me, personally, sex is a very intimate thing. I can differentiate between someone I care about and someone I don’t care about. There are certain guys that I don’t care about, and thus, it’s easy for me to have sex with them. But when I become involved with someone and develop an actual friendship, if sex were to occur, I would want to make sure that we are still in communications afterwards. I have had too many instances where men stop engaging with me once I have given in…But this is not to say that I am innocent. I have had my fair share of disappearing acts. However, sex was not always something that occurred prior.

Regardless, for some reason, I feel as if someone turned the “romance” switch off inside my head. It also does not help that I read a very interesting article that describes the notion of “love” from a scientific point of view. It’s all about neurons and cells, you see. I believe that I have described this briefly in one of my previous entries, and this information is easily accessible to anyone on the net if you desire to read scientific journals on this matter. Ever since reading that article, I have put the pieces of the enigma (then again, if science can explain it, was it ever an enigma?) together and realized, that because love can be explained from a scientific point of view, there is no use in humanizing it. Of course, people will continue to humanize this because they need someone to latch onto…among many concepts. This is, as we all know, to make human existence tolerable and create a purpose. Some may ask: “Wouldn’t you still want to feel good sensations with a person?” This may be…but I can do that through sex. I don’t feel the desire to experience any other type of sensation apart from physical pleasure. Am I really jaded if I have discovered the truth for myself? There is so much effort in getting to know someone, and there are many risks associated with letting down one’s guards to become vulnerable to them. My problem is that I have always invested so much more of myself unto others than they have unto me…all to no avail. I have grown tired of the same process over the years. I should ask myself, however, if this is something that truly bothers me. After all, this is a truth that I have found to work for me…

I am completely at peace with being single…but not completely at peace with the thought of my inability to form romantic relationships, at this point of my life anyway. Besides, I am still young and unsure of the direction that my life is taking. Why would I want to hook somebody along this age of uncertainty? My only complaint is that I wish men would tell me that all they are looking to get from me is sex. Why be afraid of telling that to someone? It saves a lot of collective grief. Again, they have no problem in baring their private parts and bodies, yet fear baring their true intentions. What nuisance. No matter what sexual orientation, being in a relationship is complicated, but being single is just as complicated when dealing with a situation such as this one.

I go through these stages of self awareness, depending on what is happening with my life…but lately, I feel as if these stages are abundant. Since I started smoking weed again, I have begun to, yet again, awaken more.

This is not to say that I was not awoke before…on the contrary, with every period of smoking; whether it’s a couple of weeks or a month or two, I discover new ideas and new ways to see and perceive the world.. Unfortunately, this time, the thoughts of enlightenment are pessimistic. However, there is some solace in this. Let me explain: basically, all we are is just a bunch of cells. We are a composition of millions of cells that perceive the stimuli around us 24/7. There are many that say that science can’t explain love, but it can. Basically, our brain trains us, through the rewards system, to release chemicals whenever we see that one person that we like. When we experience a break up, our brain has to backtrack to the stage it was in prior to meeting that person…until the next lover comes along.

I have truly come to believe that people are inherently selfish; and rightly so. The world that we have created for ourselves is hostile and downright incongruous. We are always asking ourselves “Why?” We fail to realize that we have created this for ourselves. Those of us who are awake, or in the process of waking up, begin to realize that the majority of the world is engulfed into this world of delusion and lives. We have humanized absolutely everything because we cannot cope nor accept the cruel reality that is life and its absurdity. The realists and the existentialists have it right…I must give credit where credit is due.
I have also come to realize that drug addiction is not something to judge; we, as humans, rely on contact, emotions, social support, and relations in order to thrive. We have to develop positive relationships with people in order for us to function properly. I am by no means championing drug addiction; but I truly understand and even sympathize with those who suffer from this. Humans have become so intolerable towards one another that at times, we turn to substances that makes us feel good for support and comfort. How sad is that? We have become obsessed with looks, money, and consumption. We are always worried about the newest and shiniest product instead of supporting one another. I am not stating that everyone must get along; I am merely stating that if we were not as isolated, the world would be a more tolerable place. Technology is supposed to connect us instantly to others around us; yet, it has isolated us so much from one another that we have become extremely intolerable. Take gay hook up apps for example; the sewers of the earth are more inhabitable than these. These apps serve the purpose of fulfilling sexual satisfaction in a matter of minutes or hours. It makes it easier to connect; yet, they only perpetuate the stereotypes and superficiality of the human mind. We literally scroll through pictures of people, as if shopping for our next product. We forget that these are people with feelings, emotions, ambitions, pains, sufferings, and life stories…so one would like to think! This fascinates me. Yet, all we focus on are the looks and outside properties. We are so keen on obtaining that instant gratification that we forget to connect as beings. Many people do not want to settle until they reach their 30s; this is why I have given up in trying to make a genuine connection with someone. There is nobody my age, I have found, at least around these parts, that thinks like me. I have only met one person who did…and they turned out to be an asshole (I honestly don’t like to use curse words in my writing, but there are no other words that can properly describe this person). Though, I am jaded myself, I still put in my heart and soul in getting to know someone. I reveal so much of myself to others…my tenderness, that I sometimes forget that they don’t care, for the most part. All they are after is the sexual gratification. This is part of my problem; I cannot find someone that will mentally stimulate me and satisfy my needs at the same time. I do not just settle for anyone. Yes, I do the ocasional cheap hook up, but to me, that gets boring over time. I am looking for someone to stimulate me mentally to the point where I grow as a person. I am much more turned on by intellectual conversations rather than sex. This is why I truly believe that I am not of this world. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. Am I alone? Am I the only one who feels this way? This is why I have also felt like a loner and outsider for most of my life; I grew up around adults and did not have many friends while I was growing up, and thus, my mind set growing up was perhaps a little different than most of those who grew up around other children.
However, in any case, my point is that we are living in the age of loneliness and isolation. Technology offers many advantages and solutions to connecting with one another, but some of us are forgetting that it is destroying face to face contact. You put so much of yourself into text, that when you meet someone, you feel as if you have known them for quite sometime. The more we disclose of ourselves, the closer we feel to that person. When the face to face connection is not successful or not as exciting as the text conversation, that other person may not want to continue contact. This leaves us feeling lost, confused, and lonely. But this is truly the reason as to why we feel even more lonely; technology makes it easier for us to tell our life stories to others that when we meet them in person there isn’t that much else to disclose. The excitement is gone…and this is something that truly makes a difference in the process of meeting others.
And thus, when we fail to form these positive relationships, and loneliness takes over, we turn to the innate for positivity. This is why there are so many people who use drugs in our modern world. Yes, drugs have been a part of human culture for ages, but more so in 2015. I am amazed at the number of gay men who are using drugs. Rejection from society is a factor, but when your entire existence is based on sex, you deny yourself the chance to meet someone. And that leads to mass loneliness and feelings of desperation. It’s all subconscious obviously, nobody is going to admit that to us. Drugs are like an escape from that entire culture, and even if you don’t take part in it, you still feel alienated because you can’t find someone else who is not taking part in that.
However, I am amazed at the number of people in general that take drugs. This is because we have created a culture of instant gratification and done away with the magic involved in the process that is meeting and getting to know others. And so, we find comfort and escape in the world of drugs. The only positive relationship that some have are with drugs. Drugs affect the way that we think and view the world; some drugs even affect brain structure. When someone uses drugs for an extended period of time, they become uninterested in human interaction; and rightly so. With the way humans are, there is nothing else left to discover. There is no stimulation that a human can offer compared to the power of drugs…but I truly believe that those of us who are awakened have something unique to offer. The true challenge is to find others who are.
I have hope that there are many like me wondering this planet, looking for that someone who is awakened and not truly ruined by the delusional and superficial culture that we have created for ourselves. Consumerism is driving us to the edge of absolute ruin. Although I try my best not to take part in this system, I still find myself going along with the rest. I do believe that it is inevitable to escape it.
I have lost a lot of interest in other people because I truly feel that I am not like the majority .Yes, there are others who seek what I seek. but they are difficult to find. Everyone has their own story, their own struggle, their own hell that they are traversing through; I am not one to judge. However, I will never understand why so many choose to destroy themselves by engaging in the system that we have created. Perhaps this is an escape mechanism…they feel that perhaps they cannot fight the system and thus believe that the only way to minimize pain is to become submerged in it.
I can relate to this in a certain way. Even though I am looking for someone who will mentally stimulate and challenge me, I have come to the conclusion that most gay men are not this way, and that nobody is going to want to settle until they are in their 30’s. Even still, they find themselves in a state of confusion because they cannot find what they seek. There are times that I truly believe that death (not from a suicidal perspective) would be the solution to the problems we are facing today. The world is completely irreparable. It is in such a destitute, desolate, and incongruous state; there is no going back. We will continue to descend into absolute madness and chaos. This is an irreversible process; and the reason that I do not want to bring any children into this hostile jungle. We will never be satisfied and we will never be truly happy. We will always want more, no matter how much we have. This is one of the many fallacies of the human mind; and it will ultimately lead to our destruction. It’s not a question of “Perhaps we will be better off this way,” but “We are better off this way.”
The Universe will not be able to grasp this madness much longer, either. It’s time to go home. I am thinking of simpler times.

Do you want to know what’s really fucking sad? Do you want to look inside your inner core and truly weep? Look at videos and/or pictures of you when you were a baby or a toddler. Compare how you were then to how you are now; broken, corrupted, jaded, abused, sad. Those were the only genuine and happy smiles that were a product of no worries and a wonderful life. That glow of happiness, curiosity, joy, and thirst for adventure in your innocent eyes is the most beautiful thing you will ever see about yourself. And now, look at you; de-flowered, depressed, cutting yourself, using drugs, drinking alcohol, having sex, wanting to kill yourself. Who knew that innocent child would grow into a tragic fucking mess? Who knew that the joy, innocence, curiosity, and happiness would leave your eyes; taking with them that glowing light that indicated that you were full of life? Back then, there was someone home. But now, your eyes are gray, exhausted, worn down by tears. I miss that child, I love that child; but he is never coming back. He is dead.

Today is a new day. I decided that no more tears. I should save them for something and someone who is worth it and values me.

Counseling went very well. I realized that I need to move on, and that he wasn’t right for me. He gave me no affection, and I put in more than he did into the relationship. If he wants to go around being a slut, then so be it. I will never succumb to that disgusting reputation. I don’t care.

I will learn from this, and I know that someone better will come along. I still think he made a mistake, but I can’t turn back time. This is a life lesson. I don’t understand it now, and I don’t see it, but one day I will. And I will know that it was for the better. Things do happen for a reason. I don’t care what people say. My life so far is evidence that things do happen so I can learn and move on. Right now it may not be my time to be with someone. People my age are still growing. I’m still growing, but I am ahead of most others. I’m an old soul. And I know for a fact that I will accept nothing less than to be respected and valued for the person I am.

He may come around they tell me, but that makes no sense. If he dumped me that means he doesn’t have what I want. And he can’t give me what I need. I gave, he didn’t. I tried, he failed.

“So watch me now, and I’ll be someone new. My heart will be unbroken, it will open up for everyone but you.”

Your loss.

Today I realized that it’s his loss for breaking up with me. I may have my flaws of being negative, worrying too much, and uncertain, but guess what? I’m a great person. I’m a great guy. You blew it. I realize that I may have contributed to it, but if you were TRUE, you would have stuck through it and helped me, like you said you would. I certainly tolerated you being “happy” 24/7 and not being as affectionate as I was towards you. I know I put in more effort into this than you did.

So it’s your loss for leaving me. I hope you are happy with your decision. And hopefully you won’t regret it. I will find someone that does appreciate me fully and is willing to BE THERE for me through all my flaws, insecurities, and trepidations. I’m a great guy, of this I am certain. You made a big mistake.

“There’s once in a lifetime, and there’s once in a while. And the difference between the two is about a million miles. Oh you might get lucky, while the moon is looking up. But in the truth of the morning, the stars will be long gone. You can hold any boy that you like, fall in love when it’s easy at night. But you’ll wake up wondering why he ain’t ever something better. When you’re lost and you run out of road, find what I already know. But you won’t find this, no you won’t find this.”