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I don’t want to be a part of this world anymore…this unfixable life that is out of control. The last week and a half has not been good for me. I have some anxiety and just feel so drained by everything; work, family, friends, relationship…unsure of how much I can handle. All I want to do is just take xanax and sleep. Is this a wave of lows?
Found out that parents are going away for 13 days. First thing I am going to do on Sunday is get high and binge watch porn. I can’t wait to just be alone for a while. It is going to be great. Not to say that it is torture when parents are home, but honestly I just want to be alone.
I got depressed tonight because I was looking over at finances, and while it is not a horrible outlook, the reality has finally set in that I don’t make enough money. And before anyone tells me that everyone, no matter how much they make, feels that way, let me just reiterate: I do not make enough money.
There has to be a solution, a way out of this. Part of me is glad that certain things have been settled and some priorities have been straightened out. Then there is another part that just is not sure about anything; a part that just feels very insecure and afraid of having to deal with judgement from people who may think that I am not where I “need” to be in life. Well, that would be up to me, and not anyone else to decide. Either way, the pressure is still there, even if no one says anything. Who is to say that they are not thinking about it?

My relationship is just draining me. Recently, a part of me has begun to ask if I have certain Autistic attributes…and that may be so, but there is really no way to find out. Just not sure what the evaluation process would be like, and not sure how much it would cost. But why suffer through all of this bullshit just to die in the end? Nothing makes sense. Although, during times like these, the fear of death goes away.

 

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Today is the Friday the 13th. My friend and I attempted to go on a quick walk on a trail but ended up in a concrete trail by a small stream instead. It wasn’t until it got dark that we realized that we were in the wrong place. Well, we decided to turn around and were startled by the cries of a pack of coyotes nearby. It was horrifying. All of this while being high. Well, I am glad that survived that ordeal. We will have to perhaps try again during the day because we forgot how quickly it gets dark now. By 7 pm there was no sun. It was very depressing and a sure sign that Winter is on its way.

But in any case, I wanted to rant a bit. We are doing an “Escape room” staff appreciation day at me job. Basically, you pay someone money to put you in a situation in which you have to find clues with your team and escape the room (or rooms? multiple rooms? Fuck) that you are trapped in. The first team to escape all rooms wins, apparently. So anyway, why would someone want to do that? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of. Why are people so competitive? What exactly are you winning? A sponsorship? No? Oh, okay. I thought that you were, since you are making such a big deal out of winning something. There are people that take everything so seriously, bowling, mini golf…and throwing money away in the process. That’s the only thing you are doing; throwing money away to tell people “Look at me I won I’m the best!” but the best at what? Are you getting a sponsorship? No? Oh, okay. I thought you were. I’ll tell you, growing up with guys and having them as friends sucked. Straight guys. The worst. Why? Well because they always wanted to do the dumbest shit. They are no different than the people who want to do things and win. They wanna have a birthday party at the laser tag, so they tell their parents. And now the parents are like: “Oh shit. We gotta talk to someone to reserve space and tell them that we are going to have a birthday party there. Oh shit, we actually have to talk to someone on the phone for that? And then we have to send out invitations? And coordinate with parents to have their kids at the house, or car pool, or just meet them there? And then we have to buy food? A pizza? And then we have to all drive back to the house for a cake? And then we have to have the kids sleep over and go to the pool next day?” Fuck that shit. Why go through all of this trouble just to celebrate a second someone’s birth? Like fuck, it’s like an entire 2 days, almost 3, to celebrate a second of your time.

Girls just have a slumber party and talk about boys and other shit and get it over with. They just chill. They don’t have to go the laser tag, or bowling alley, and have an after party and a sleep over and THEN a fucking pool day just to celebrate a birthday. I mean, have you ever seen another girl at a boy’s birthday party? No? I haven’t either, unless they are the fucking hot cousin that all the guys lust for and try to make friends with. Shit.

I feel dejected and empty inside. I don’t think my life is ideal. It feels like it’s all wrong and I am so dissatisfied with everything. My job doesn’t seem right; doesn’t pay enough and it’s tiring to deal with the problems of others, as well as managers. My relationship doesn’t seem right; he doesn’t like all of the things that I like and it feels like he makes no effort to compromise. My family life is wrong; I don’t have a relationship with my brother and it’s damaged with my parents because they have shown no interest in my relationship which has hurt it. My friend life is wrong; feeling lonelier as the weeks go by and I barely talk or see anyone. My home life is wrong; I have to move out because it is intolerable and awkward to live with my parents.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Have to take a break from smoking weed because that isn’t helping. And it’s hard with all of these things going on because it makes me want to take xanax, and this past week I took it twice. It has been a long time since that happened…can’t remember the last time xanax was taken. Everything just seems like a low key nightmare right now. Not sure if it’s because the focus is on all of the negative things, probably. After all of these years. Why can’t my brain stop doing this to me? And the racing inner thoughts and monologues…the worst part. I had to come here tonight to write about everything because there is no other outlet for this to be let out in. Been thinking about going back to therapy but money is always an issue…well, not entirely an issue but it’s still hard when saving up is the main goal. And to be honest, it will be predictable…all therapists care about is client retention because that’s more money for them.

There is no need to hear “it’s all up to you to change all of this,” because I don’t want to hear it. This is something that I already know. It’s difficult right now, especially with the financial situation. Next year, maybe after summer, I have to really try to look for something pays more. It is going to be hard work…but life is just going by so fast. Everything is so surreal, and it is really hard not to ask existential questions. We’re all just a ghost in a shell. Nothing makes sense anymore and it doesn’t seem like it ever did. Today, I uttered out loud; I hate everything. I feel depressed.

This damn war. This damned situation that was forced upon us and came against our will. It should have been over many months ago, but countless delays kept pushing it back. And now it will have to wait another month and a half. There is no way of going around this but to end it as soon as possible and recover financially before finally leaving this house once and for all. And when I do, I am going to distance myself from it for a long time. To prove that I can, and that I should have done it a very long time ago.

And now the holidays are ruined because there are guests coming and I cannot hide or act different around the one that I love. I will not. So there will be another new year’s eve that will not be spent with my family; and it’s so. This situation has been brought on by their own actions and they have made their bed. Time to lay in it, and it’s clear that one day, when it will be too late, they will be regretting it terribly. I have a sense of dread…a sense that now I have to succeed, more than ever, to prove myself. I have been considering the unthinkable; try a job at the department of children and families. The very job that killed her and brought on the most disturbing crisis I have ever had in my entire life. But the true details of what brought on her death, that I cannot speculate on because I will never know. She never told me. Am I to truly believe that this was the real reason for her passing? That the stress became unfathomable and unmanageable? The real answers will never be known; for there were only clues left behind. But still, that is the only way to make more money with the degree that I have. I am close to 30, and I have to start to think about being serious about career. I love what I do, but it cannot be done forever because it is not a bountiful source of income, even if I move in with my significant other.

I just don’t know what decisions to make. I don’t want to end like her, don’t like to talk about it.

Things are at a stand still. The momentum has dissipated and now, we are left with a month and a half of waiting before we are finally debt free. Yes, it seems that this is all that I talk about. I am also sick of the same topic, over and over.
The natural disasters continue to happen around the world, and many are saying that it is the end of times. Yet, when these things happen, every year, people say that it is the end of the world. But we are here still. Not going to indulge in the hype of everything.
My parents said I should pray; well to that I say: “Someone should pray for me!” No, no, that is not a fair statement to make. My life is good; free of the many worries that others face. I love my job, and am content with life at home. The only aspect that is amiss is of course, money and traveling. But perhaps that can be resolved in the future.

There have been some thoughts of dullness and dread here and there, as the same weekly routine takes place…and it is best to be honest and confess that I am growing extremely weary of it. I come home, at times, close to midnight, after seeing my partner, and deposit myself in a chair, and guzzle down cottage cheese. The routine is supposed to serve as some sort of distraction or consistent consolation price while I wait for the months to roll by and finish off this debt. And after that…to recover financially and then begin the process of moving out. But, although that is so close, it feels very far away. It feels that it just keeps on getting pushed back, and back, and back. It can be described as someone trying to climb out of a cave, and miscalculating how close they are to the light, even though they are able to see that light in the distance.

It is now officially Fall. Although the temperature has not started to drastically drop, it is officially the end of Summer. And with that, my heart is heavy with sadness. It was a lackluster Summer, nothing comparable to the glorious days of last year’s. And maybe this is just how life wanted it to be this time around; but it is still disappointing. A deep sense of nostalgia comes over me, as the awareness of this notion makes me long for those days, once more. But they are long gone, and there is no option but to move forward. Maybe, perhaps, there can be a way to redeem the situation, and to make better memories. It is ironic that the last vacation of the Summer was ruined by rain; a perfect and symbolic event that describes this year’s season. God knows what awaits us now. ¬†And to think that the year, once again, is almost over. Soon we will all be gone, back into the nothingness of the Universe from whence we came. But anyway, there are more plans to be put into motion and dreams to be dreamt before all of this happens. The inexplicable experience continues, and so it shall, until it ends.

I think that I’m just tired, overall, of the same things on a different day. And I am beginning to tire of certain people as well. Things have been lonely lately, and maybe that is a good break that is badly needed. Or is it? We complain about people all the time, and long for companionship, but then we complain about people and how intolerable they are. So which is it?

Let life carry out its natural course, and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. But let it happen quickly and painlessly! That is all that I ask.

Another end to the work week, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Being back from vacation is always depressing, so I was not sure what was in store for me. Luckily, it was nothing that was terrible. I still have to come up with a strategy for needy people. I have to continue to try and be tougher, and develop methods to be firm. I think that I have come a long way.

The “catastrophic” storm is making a direct hit down south after midnight tomorrow. Those poor people. Not all of my family was able to evacuate. I guess that this is the price that one must pay for living in paradise. Yet again, I do enjoy the region of the country that I live in. I have to say that it is unique and exquisite in its own way. Tomorrow, I plan a hike. It has been quite sometime since this happened, so I have to ensure that I make the best of it. The weather will be nor warm nor cool, just right. I hope for no rain.

K had a miscarriage and nearly died. It is…beyond words to think about this. Just weeks ago, I was randomly thinking of what would happen if she died. That thought just randomly crossed my mind. It was not something that I was expecting or planning; it was just a passing thought, like most of my thoughts. Or most of our human thoughts anyway. I think that the world is going through a difficult era at the present moment, and the thought of day may be more present in our minds than usual. I don’t fear it.

In any case, I am so close to eradicating my debt. And speaking of debt, a gigantic data breach was announced. The spineless, soulless pigs made assurances to themselves before announcing it to the world. What can we expect in this disgusting world we are living it? And people ask me why I hate people! There is your answer. I know that not everyone is bad, but I can say, for certain, that I despise other humans! I want to go away, far away in the mountains, But the curious thing is that we need social interactions to survive. So this is why I have very few friends, whom I have kept very close through the years. And I shall continue to do so. It is essential. The sad reality is that good people are hard to come by…genuine people are a rare gift. We have to treasure them.

The world will continue to spiral downward. But we will continue life, as if nothing was happening. As Lana del Rey sings, “When the world was at war before, we just kept dancing. And we’ll do it again.”

Writing this past midnight, so it is officially a new day, but the writings pertain to the previous day.

The world continues to be ravaged by misery. Threats of war loom, while monster storm annihilates Caribbean territories and once it hits America, it will be historic. Meanwhile, we have had rain all day long…with fog and clouds. The weather was nonsensical, with periods of cold and humidity. Nothing makes much sense anymore. The good news is that work flew by; I always find that on the busy days, it always does. Tomorrow is a slow day, but I can take advantage in the fact that nobody will be in to supervise me, so I come and go as I please.

Unsure at this time if family is coming over from the south to flee the hurricane. Everything is chaos at this time, and not a lot of information is being shared. But that is customary in my family; nobody ever tells me anything until the last minute. Yes, this is a very frustrating occurrence. In any case, I hope to have an answer by tomorrow evening or sometime on Friday. Time will tell.

I continue to become full of anger towards a certain group of people. I am not going to go into details, as it is not my intention to offend anyone, but yes, unfortunately, we all have our biases. There is no use in denying it; they exist for every person in the world, no matter how “good” one may claim to be. In any case, a strong fury grows inside of me when these people stare at me, so I stare back. It is an intense stare full of hate. I do not like to admit this, but I also cannot deny what I am feeling inside. I am not sure if there is any other word that I could use to describe it. Perhaps “hate” is not the appropriate word, but a sense of intense anger. Not sure why this happens. For some reason, I absolutely hate when people stare at me. This is different from when someone is speaking with me; that is not staring, but paying attention. But these people stare at me, and all I want to do is beat that look away from me. I abhor them.
This is the dark side of me…I would be stupid to deny that I, like everyone else, have a dark side.

The rain is going to continue all day it seems; so it will be another day of gloom. But preparations have to be made to distract ourselves. I should like to say that things have become stagnant, somewhat. A move was finally made today against my loan, and I wish that I was made sooner…but that is not the case. This should be over soon, very soon. And I shall breathe a sigh of relief when it is all finally over, once and for all. I think that the moment is going to be surreal, but it is going to be very much worth it in the long run. I am so proud of myself for being brave and enduring many events and moments full of dread and impatience. But at the end of the day, all of this is going to pay off, literally. Very soon.

More later.

Today was a difficult day. I spent the first half of the day worrying and crying over the potential threat of war that is now looming in the world. The thought about nuclear war has me feeling very ill and depressed. I expressed my concerns to R and E. A good conversation took place with R regarding the circumstances and potential motives of these events, while E was more of a quicker “let me comfort you,” sentence. But no matter. This brings me back to dreams that I’ve had where fire is raining down from the skies…only that the possibility of this is not a dream. It’s a living nightmare.
It’s sickening to think that the world is ruled by mad men with big egos who are offended by anything. The stupidity and evil of men is going to be the ultimate downfall. There is just no way to say this. It is so unfair that humanity has to suffer because of a few soulless men who are only interested in themselves. I don’t know what else to think about this…R suggested that I just move on and go on with my life. It does go on, after all, no matter what. This also brings back bad memories of a book I read for high school summer called “On the beach” which talks about the end of the world after many nuclear bombs were detonated. I just can’t believe that this is happening to our world right now. People are lost, full of self interest and greed. There is no compassion or kindness anymore. There are many fake people walking among us, who pretend to be pure, but in reality, are using that to lure in the kind hearted ones and take advantage of them. Believe this; I have met them myself.

A storm is looming in the ocean and due to hit sometime next week; anticipating a lot of rain and winds, but nothing else, since we are away from the ocean.

I have given up on trying to come up with a timeline on when I will be officially done with debt. It is going to happen when it is supposed to happen. What I can say, for certain, is that this is closer than ever before, and for that, I am glad.

Back to work tomorrow, and I have no idea what to expect. I am not sure what is waiting for me, but I will tackle it accordingly. I have to remain tough, and I have to remain decisive because I do not want to be involved more than I should with what I do.

There is nothing else to write about for the time being. Some suspicions from my loved one about someone, but there is nothing to worry about. I think that these worries are unfounded, because there is no contact going on. It is rather off putting because it comes across as obsessive and it just turns me off. Someone should be able to trust, and trust fully. Never mind the things that have been said in the past; those were empty words, fueled by moments of weakness and emotion. I did not mean any of those things that were said. But in any case, they will never come to see the day of light. And further, we made a promise to each other, on our one year anniversary, that we would put everything in the last year behind us and start fresh, and so we did. I truly feel that, after our one year mark passed, things have been drastically different. Something in the air…something has changed between us. And for that, I am glad, because it has changed for the better. I truly hope that things can stay this way, because I am not sure that either one of us can take another year of the same struggles that took place on the first year. But I have a good feeling that these struggles are officially dead, in the past, and that they will not be coming back to haunt us in the future.

More later, as it happens.

I am anxious for everything to be done soon. But I should really just take my time on the ride and enjoy it while it lasts. One day it won’t.
A good weekend, for the most part. Beach Saturday and then dinner last night with the love. Need to investigate this fortune business a bit more and see how it would be possible to benefit from it. So perhaps, the prediction would come true, that I am going to be the one better off financially than the others. I guess that life will find a way to fulfill this for me, after all. The failed business could not stop this self fulfilling prophecy from coming to fruition. The only obstacle is the matter that I am worried about…a serious of personal communications that should have never took place. There are worse sins in the world, committed by many, than the one that took place. That is the only item that could ruin the chances. Part of me of very anxious that it may come to light, and a part of me is certain that it would be very difficult for it to reach the intended target because of lack of resources and clues that the enemy has. That is why it is always good not to give out a lot of information to someone unless it is from a trustworthy source, and even still. Then, another part of me is saying that what is done is done, and the past cannot be changed. Then I remember the quote about not crying over spilt milk; for it is gone and never coming back. That will at least help me cope if things go disastrously, but, there is a part of me that is absolutely certain that there is no way for this to ever come to light. So I am going to remain positive about it and hope that indeed, it does not ever see the light of day. Denial can always be used, but I do not know how effective it would be once the evidence is shared. I guess that I learned from this experience; I learned a whole lot. It shall never happen again for as long as I live.

I should be happy that things are going to be changing a lot next year, perhaps. But still, I am inpatient. This year has been a year of transition; the stage has been set by the Universe for further change to occur next year. And so they shall, for that is the only constant of life. I cannot wait for the war to finally be over; it has been years and a lot of work has been done in order to bring it to an end. I will finally live the debt free life; but that means that I have to be budgeting often and be very cautious about expenses.

Let us continue this journey.

I feel depressed today. That hasn’t happened in…I can’t remember. I feel a level of dissatisfaction with life, all of a sudden. It feels that my job, relationship, family life…everything, is just out of place.

Reading back on these entries, it is obvious that I have come a long, long way. But still, at the end of it all, just how much have I really changed? It still feels that there will never be a state of mind where everything satisfies me. Progress has been made in areas; job, no more depression, less anxiety, not worrying as much about things, realizing what is good and bad for me…so why do I feel this way?

People who are “woke”, as they like to call it, are more likely to be depressed. I think that this is just the most obvious statement that there is to make. Once someone realizes how messed up the world is, how messed up society is, and that the majority of humans are toxic and poison, it doesn’t feel very good to be living in this world. Priorities are all in the wrong; people are focused on the wrong things. There is so much hate, so much hate and just, so much evil. Evil. Forget being toxic, evil is the word.

So despite the improvement and stability in my life, just feels that nothing will ever be perfect. There will always be some complication. Yes this is just to be expected, really. I’m more depressed about the fact that nothing can be done to change the world and people. Maybe you will say that meeting people that are more like me is going to make things easier, but at the end of the day, they are still people. We still have to deal with their problems, the entanglement of their lives. Am I better without friends? Without a relationship? Without anything at all? Today I was thinking…if someone or something had asked me, prior to being born, if there was an option not to be born, would I take it? The answer is yes. I am tired of dealing with the misery. Tired of my mind, my overthinking, my heavy and sensitive emotions, and tired of being a part of a toxic world that abuses the people living in it. So yes, I wish that I was never a part of this indescribable and nonsensical life and world that we are all living in. And it brings me solace to know that I know for a fact that I am not the only person that is feeling like this. I am not the first, and I will certainly not be the last.