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The eternal Winter continues with freezing rain and a coat of snow this morning. I am indifferent to it; refuse to let the weather affect my happiness. Furthermore, I refuse to let people, their complications, and lives affect my happiness. I am going to be happy regardless of what happens.

New co-worker only lasted a week; quit on Friday because of not being able to make the job work and having a child with mental health needs. Poor woman; cried and fretted about her fate until the end. This is another reason why I am never going to have children; there is a risk that something might happen…or that they might be born with something, and I could just not deal with it…It would break me completely but I would have to give that child away. I could not even raise a “normal” child, let alone a child with specific needs because of whatever condition…in her own words, “My life is hell.”
The only worry I have about this is when I get older, who is going to take care of me? Something that is far away, but eventually will happen.

N is being pathetic and petty; I canceled a hike on Saturday because I had a lot to do and it would not have been possible to fit in an hour or two of going outside to walk. I canceled it a day in advance. I don’t appreciate the passive aggressive tactics of people. It is very immature…and as the months have gone by, I have grown to be a more direct person. I feel myself changing, and the old, timid, shy person who used to hate conflict is slowly dying. It is a scary feeling, when you feel yourself changing, and there will be (maybe not all the time) an urge to resist that change. But change is the only constant of life, so it is important to welcome it, as long as it is practical change that is going to influence life itself for the better. It is also important to continue to monitor yourself, and see what part of the changes are good, useful, and what parts of it are bad, unhealthy. Even though I change on a yearly basis, I keep the good qualities that I have gained over the years.
But in any case, I am going to wait for N to contact me, because the ball is currently not on my side of the court. So that’s that.

I have come to embrace that the less people in my life, the better. Less complications, drama, and grief. I am very glad that my boyfriend feels the same way. I think it is a very big advantage that he does not have other gay friends, or a lot of friends…well, come to think of it, he does not spend time with anyone except for me…or his co-workers time to time, but that is none of my business. I still have to keep an eye out on him and on this relationship…I made a promise to myself to be cautious and vigilant.

The countdown to vacation season is getting closer to ending, and I could not be more glad. I have waited, patiently, for many months, for it to finally arrive. I have found it to be very healthy to only focus on my life and ignore others.

The situation at home is less tense, but still awkward. I do believe that it will remain awkward because my spirit is ready to leave, it has been ready for quite sometime. That is why it is vital that things work out in my relationship. Once I leave here, I will not want to come back. I do believe in my heart that strides and progress has been made, and there is always an opportunity for things to continue to improve. Only a couple of months, supposedly, and the big change will occur. This, in addition to going back to school, is going to make for some interesting life content. There will be bad with the good, as is everything in life. I have decided to not complain about it and just deal with it and get it done.

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I went to a school visit today that unraveled much drama afterwards. And to make matters worse, it made my agency look bad. I will not be responsible for the actions of other people, I will not be responsible for the lack of direction from persons who have these so called “advanced degrees” but in all reality, have no idea what they are doing.
Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, it will be another drama that will, in due time, blow over as everything else in this life.

Some thoughts here and there about finances related to school…but the biggest worry is time management and stress. So it is going to be vital that every single step is taken to accommodate the situation.

Tomorrow, I return to the place that was once the site of a major, historic chapter of our lives. It has been a couple of years since I came to this place, and it will not have any effect on me whatsoever. Besides, the occasion is different.
I am glad that the week is going to finally be over tomorrow…well, the work week. Even with a snow day, it seemed that there was a lot to do. Next week, it will be another short week. I will take Friday to do errands and get some things out of the way.

For now, the most important task is to fully enjoy the weekend and to continue to stay off of social media. That is going to be a goal that will be kept until the Spring time, when vacation and warm weather season starts, in late April.

I’ve been reading past entries. I’ve been reading past entries to see if things have improved, no, not to see if things have improved. I know things have improved. I’ve been reading past entries to see how things were back then, and how they are now. Even though these entries weren’t so long ago. That is just a testament to how far I have come in such a short period of time. This has been the shortest recovery period from a mental illness in all of my life. It makes me feel happy and confident that I can rebound in the future; because more things will happen. More people will go, more events will happen, suddenly, without notice. Am I really that stronger? Is it much better this time around?

The past month or so I concluded that a stage of my relationship was abusive; toxic. The way things are now compared to how they were back then is the true definition of contrast. Things are not perfect, nor will they ever be, but they are better than they were before. A lot of people stay in bad relationships because they want to see if there is any chance of improvement, of hope. Sometimes it works out, but there at times that the situation becomes worse.
And speaking of worse, I often wonder if my writing style has deteriorated over the years. The best entries were written during moments of depression and anxiety. That’s a conundrum. Now that the situation has improved, and that my mental health has gotten to a stable level, the entries are not as exquisite. I deeply resent that. Is there a way for me to get back to what I had? But what should I write about? I have written about many things, many feelings, and various events. The events that are currently occurring are nothing in comparison to the drama of the past. Are my best days behind me? Have I fallen prisoner to the cult of domesticity and routine? Are my social adventures truly over? A part of me wishes that more experiences were had, but at the same time, a part of me wonders if what I went through during the end of high school and my college years was enough. Would I have been able to handle more? I have been tired for a very long time. But maybe I could have learned more things. I do the best that I can to live my life without regrets, but at times, I wonder if more experiences would have been better.
At least, now that I am going back to school, there could be new experiences in the horizon. Although, this time, the mentality is different…at least this is something that one would think.
It will be important to go with an open mind, and welcome changes. The only problem that has to be resolved is the financial part. Maybe I can get that under control. Isn’t that the second most important part besides grades?

I had a dream about her the other night. I wonder what it was about, or what she was trying to say to me. I forgot what the contents of the dream were, and maybe that is the reason why I should start documenting my dreams. I’m not sure that dreams mean something…but they could mean everything. There have been times where I have dreamt the future. Specific scenarios that were not just a figment of my imagination. Perhaps she will come back into my dreams again, sometime soon, to deliver another message. This time, I will be sure to document it. I want to write something sentimental, but I am still trying to fully move on and not let it get to me on a moment of weakness.

I wish I could continue to type more, but at this time, there is nothing else to say other than there is a feeling of resident because I feel as though all I do is work. Well, that is the reality of the current situation. All I do IS work and barely have any time to do anything recreational. There are summer vacations scheduled. I hope that it will be enough to sustain me. I am trying to do everything that I can to live it up before school starts…it is going to hit me. I have been out of school for six years now. It will be another transition that will have to be made. A part of me prays that it is the right decision, because god knows that, no matter what anyone tells me, we have no idea what we are doing with our lives. We never did, and I suspect that we never will.

Her death anniversary came and went. I shed a few tears, but did not weep. This year, it was a positive remembrance. I did not want it to consume me; enough grief has been caused by this.
Work has been consuming; so consuming. So much so, that I did not go to the gym today. I came home and I slept. My body has been giving my signals that it is time to take it easy. On Tuesday, I did not lay down until 10PM. I went all day, non stop…and my body was hating me for me. This is understood, and we will make many efforts to take it easy.
My relationship is heavenly…after many tumultuous months of hardship, the clouds have finally settled and things are much better. Nothing in life is perfect, and this relationship is far from perfect. No relationship will ever be perfect, but things are much better than before.

M continues to communicate updates on her relationship, but I honestly am so over it. This is what she is choosing; this is the type of relationship that she wants, it seems. Despite everything, things continue. I do not expect her to leave, and I do not expect her to learn anything until something truly bad happens. And that is not going to be fair for the people in her life. It is not going to be fair for her either, so at this time, pray nothing happens because the delicate equilibrium that we have fought so hard to create cannot be disturbed at this moment. As an answer about Grad School is being waited on, there cannot be any ripples. Life is going to happen regardless; pray the waves continue their serenity and calmness.

I have no choice but to wait until April comes to begin vacation season. Just one more month and a half and it will be worth the wait. Vacations have become such an important part of my life, that I will make it a point, every year, to do a vacation. Even if they are small get aways, for the time being, until the financial situation improves, that is a blessing. It will not do to compare the situation to anyone else, for that is a form of self harm. Speaking of finances, even though the debt war is over, for now, it has been so difficult to save money. The last two months have been unacceptable; moving forward, these things cannot happen again. They are  delaying the goals that were set in place to move forward financially and have the upper hand in certain situations, should school truly occur.

But until then. The ride continues. The inexplicable experience continues, and it does not show any signs of stopping. There are no words, I have no words to explain this existence. But for once, truly, I am happy. And it’s great. I have lived to see the day where I can truly say “I am happy.” And it feels so good.

Today is February 3rd. Writing this is something that I have been wanting to do for a few days, but I just didn’t have the time. That’s exactly why; I do not have the time. And I not going to make excuses, but today, for the first time in a very long time, our body told us to slow down. Everything is so rushed; every day, there is much to be done. Even if I give myself one or two days of the week not to do anything, well, actually, no…that would be helpful. The problem is that I only had one day that I took to myself this week. It was on Wednesday. Sure, Monday I went out and shopped, but it wasn’t a day where I stayed in and did nothing. Mind wondering again, isn’t that distracting? Maybe I have ADD. Today I couldn’t sit still at this training. I felt the need to want to move around. I couldn’t just stay still. Is that normal?

I’m still waiting to hear from graduate school. I am kind of nervous that I will have trouble balancing everything. But many people do it, and they succeed. So why can’t we? I just have to slow down. Slowing down is the key.

Anyway, the point of this entry is to just talk about the immersion of life. I am so immersed, quite deeply, into life. Maybe that is why I feel a rush. I am very devoted to my job. I am very invested in this because I have decided to make that my career path. And it is good to finally figure out what is it that you want to do in your life. But the only worry is just the wearing down. The tear and wear of it all. So then what do I need? Do I need two days of the week to just do nothing? Maybe that is going to be the key. I have altered my routine so much in the last few months, maybe the change is new to me and my body is getting used to it? But still, I have to take care of myself. I don’t want to end up like her. I don’t want to talk about her. Her two year anniversary of having suddenly left leaves me dry and in a gloom. As if someone sucked the Summer out of me and left me in Winter. Poetic, I still got it.

I will have to let a few more weeks pass by to determine if this new change is effective. I know that I am going to be okay. And I have to be better at planning. Better at everything.

I’ve been medicating a lot. With something natural. It has really done wonders for my anxiety. Why should I deny this when it is true? I feel so much calmer. So much better. It’s work and the rough routine that are enemies right now. So that’s why I have to make sure that I get my two days, and then some time on Saturdays and Sundays.

So for now, I’m just a shadow. A shadow living a busy, meaningful, active life. But I am still a shadow because time just seems to be floating and slipping away faster than ever before. Why should things speed up when we have things to do? Shouldn’t it go slower? I remember my school days before college, counting down on classes to end. Trying not to fall asleep during boring class times. I have no idea how I made it. But why did time seem so slow back then? Why did time seem to take forever when I wanted that morning English class to end? Sometimes I actually didn’t want it to end. But other classes, those were awful. The ones that were utterly boring, of no interest to me, those are the ones that took forever to end. So maybe that is it after all…time flies when you are doing something you love, but it drags when you are doing something you hate. It’s magical, yet real. And if you don’t believe me, take a trip to the #DMV.

I’ve become less sensitive. Maybe this is something that is needed in this world, after all.
Last night, something awkward happen that I don’t want to mention. But it was a slight sign of the times…how far things have come along in this complicated journey. I have been looking for myself for a very long time, and I often question if this is who I really am, if I am not yet the final version of myself. What will I be like? But those are all pointless questions to ask, because we don’t see the future, nor to do we want to see the future.

Everything else is just the same way it is. There are no major changes or events to discuss. Some sudden and not desirable circumstances are occurring with M. But at the end of the day, M is an adult and will make the decision that M wants to make. This is not my problem, nor should it ever be. I just hope for the best. I cannot afford to lose someone else. It’s only been two years. That is still fresh. I don’t want to talk about that at all. I’ve talked about it plenty. No, don’t do it. Just don’t do it.

Music is so extremely important right now. It has become one of the most important elements of our life. It is a daily element. Today, I yearned to go outside, for a walk, in the woods, or the mountains. But it’s February. And I can’t do that. So really, I have to stay in the current situation that I am staying in right now because that could improve more and finally give me the life that I have secretly, but not secretly, and at times disguised, wanted. But that is beside the point.

Let whatever happen, happen. But this year I know that it is going to be a very positive year full of many achievements. I can sense it.

In one month it will be two years since she died. I don’t know why I still write about her. Many things have happened since. I started living; and fully. That was her gift to me; and I will serve her memory each and every day by living the best life that I can live.

There was a big break through with my relationship and ever since, things have been better. I love him so much; I am going to cherish every single second that I have with him. I am going to love him so much that it hurts. I have butterflies writing about it. He is my love. Despite everything, I stuck around and loved him…even when it seemed that I didn’t.

Happy to have the day off tomorrow. Started planning for summer trips. Really have to try to speed things up. Time is beyond precious…one of the very few concepts that slips away, always.

The middle of January has arrived and we find ourselves back into this time warp. Everything is moving at a fast speed, and nothing is slowing down. I finally decided to put in the effort and pick up where I left off on my old entries. The most difficult entries have followed suit; the weeks and months after the unexpected passing of her. We had no time. No time to prepare or plan; finding out was like taking an arrow to the back of the head. The pain slowly dissipates through your entire body, and claims your mind.

Yesterday was another emotionally draining day in my relationship. But there was a breakthrough, and I made him break down. For the first time in one and half years, he broke down in front of me and cried. Does that mean that my nonsense and difficulties finally cracked on him? Yes. But I think that he needed to hear what I had to say. Reading back about my fears regarding my inabilities to form a romantic relationship…it’s not because of not wanting to, or not believing that we couldn’t, or believing that it was impossible. No, the reason is that we are too fucked up and too trapped inside our minds to have the tools and communicate things. I am a fucking weirdo. And I am proud of who I am, even if it means being the most difficult person I know.
At this time, there is no way to tell what direction this relationship will take. But what I do know is that if certain things cannot be worked out, there will be no point in continuing anything.

My parents are gone and won’t return until the last week of the month. Thank god. They too, fucked up. Almost no interest in wanting to be a part of my relationship. It’s so easy for them to wash their hands and say that they tried but they didn’t really follow up or show any interest before then. Where was the interest before the fucking holidays came around? Where was the interest before they found out that family was visiting out of state? So fuck it, I decided that I am not going to care anymore. Reading my past entries reminded me that as far as 2 and a half years back, I decided not to give a fuck about people anymore, the troubles they bring, I simply don’t care. I am not interested in resolving anything. I am not interesting in trying to resolve the imperfections, because some people are going to remain stuck in their ways, forever.

The truth is that I love being a loner. I don’t care to do anything with anyone. The only thing I care to do is go be with nature. Nothing else interests me. If, for some random reason, wealth befalls upon me, I will gladly take it. That is my goal, because you cannot rely on anyone but yourself in this god forsaken, desolate planet. You can’t trust anyone and expect people, even your family, to fulfill you. Family is just another label. It’s just another made up human idea, like almost everything else in this world.

I decided that I am going to stay in my field. I love it. I fucking love it. I love hearing about the drama, the stories…I know that in the past this was not always the case. But because I hardly interact with anyone outside of work, this is perfect for me. And the fact that these problems do not follow me home is the greatest fucking thing. How about that?

Let’s see what else happens.

In two days I’ll be alone for two months. This will be good for me. And this will be good for my parents to go away by themselves. It will do them good; very good.
But now, I have to deal with this winter. It’s always a struggle, no matter how many times I have gone through it. This time, I have more activities to do. But the cold is always going to make it tough. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t make it through it; I’ll make it through. The spring will be worth the wait. I know that I couldn’t deal with the cold forever. Could I? It gets worse as you get older, they say. Who knows anything.

Here and there come feelings of meaninglessness and boredom. Dulness. But I fight those emotions by trying to stay busy. The hardest part is while slow at work, I loathe sitting there. I can feel myself succumbing to the dulness. So I stand, walk around, find whatever I can to do, even if it means just standing and looking outside of the window. That’s still something to do.
I think that I gave up on reading, especially books from the 1800’s, no matter how classic they are labeled. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s boring. Maybe I should find something that is interesting to me. That could be the problem.
Or maybe I have to learn to adapt and treat everything the way that it is supposed to be treated. Books are just like people, at times, you just have to get used to the style in which they are written, and you have to get used to being able to handle them as they are. That’s a good way to describe people as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just becoming more jaded as the years go by. Is my job to blame? I know that I do a good job at separating work from life; I leave all of the problems where each belong. The ones at home, and the ones at work. They never cross paths; they were never supposed to cross paths. They can never cross paths. At least nothing is intensive, so I think anyway.
Three months left of this cold. At least I have a vacation in the spring to look forward to; a new, unexplored territory. The cold merciless subzero winds will be far gone. But a part of me is only going to want more travel, more exploration. And that has taken priority over any other lusting of life. Forget sex, forget pot, forget material possessions. Travel and exploration are my new obsessions. And in time, I will have enough resources to fulfill these desires. But until now, there is hard work to be done, and much patience to be had. The road to fulfilling promises and seeing dreams become realities will be long and tough. But the purpose of planting everything is that, in due time, we will see it grow. At least that’s what they tell us. But I do believe that this is true. So let me plant my garden, and pray to the Universe that I am alive and well to see the flowers bloom. Yes. Either way, it is going to be okay.

The year is finally coming to a close. I don’t suppose that I have changed drastically this year. It was a year with very few significant changes, which is a blessing after all of the things that happened in 2016. I thank life and the Universe for granting me a quieter than usual year in 2017. It was definitely a slower year. I still had fun, but it was nothing compared to the ride of 2016.
The most notable change this year is that I became content with having a low key life. The more people that you bring into your inner circle, the more problems! I also accepted that I may be living here all of my life. Although that is not the goal at all, a part of me has accepted that this may very well happen. I always write such lengthy reflections, but alas, it will not happen this year. I have said plenty over the years, and I can finally say that, after everything that has happened in the past, things are finally better and I now lead a quiet life. I realize that this could change at any moment, so I do my absolute best to live in the moment, fully, and immerse myself in the daily activities and various stimuli that I enjoy. This is the only way to begin to live a more peaceful life.
For next year, some goals are to continue the small travels, and to continue to do the activities that I love doing. I really hope to get into graduate school. I want to continue to develop my friendships with my close friends because it is very difficult to find new people in the “outside” world, especially since I do not go out much. I also want to save up a lot of money. I have learned my lesson the hard way; but the positive outcome of this is that I will be better at managing things, and that, at last, I have finally payed off my debt. Graduate school may plunge me into more debt, but I have a plan, a good plan, to pay off some of the costs during the years in which I am in school so that when I graduate, I don’t have a lot to answer to. It has been very draining, and it took a lot of patience to get to this point.

I will not talk about politics or the ongoing events around the world. I have made it a priority not to indulge in the hysteria and madness that most of society participates in. Yes, it is important to know what is going on, but to a certain extent. Gone are the days of obsessing over the terrible, soul draining happenings in this country and abroad. It’s time to hope for a better future, and be aware that there are good people in the world who truly want to make a change in their own lives, and the lives of many. We need each other to make this world a better place, and to vanquish hate. There may always be an eternal struggle between love and hate, but despite all, I still believe that love will always win in the end.

I am thankful for all of the good things that happened to me this year. I am thankful for my close relationships. I hope that everything improves, where it needs to improve. Otherwise, 2017 was not as tumultuous as years past. My goal for 2018 is to make it a very memorable year, filled with beautiful memories and achievements. I am very centered and self aware of the things that need to happen, and I still have learned lessons that will help me going into the new year. I pray to life and to the Universe, so that they continue to protect me and my loved ones. I know that there are many blessings to come.

Another day of boredom. Well, it’s really another day of being unproductive. When I am bored at home, or other places, I can always find something to do. When I am work and have few tasks to do, it is difficult to find activities to do. However, it has been decided that it will be productive to write. Why write? Because it is a skill that I have always wanted to keep up with; something special that cannot go to waste.

The state of the world continues to decline; domestically and abroad. It won’t be wise to speculate on what is going to happen; nothing is certain at this time. Yet people go about their daily lives. Why should we stop? We are too comfortably numb to everything. We know what is happening, yet, it is kept in the back of our minds. Some choose to ignore it completely, while others know that it is there and that perhaps, if they carry on with life, it will dissipate.

Why is this country running itself to the ground? Why is this world burning itself out? The ego of men has become too great, that they are willing to destroy the world to achieve success. How can one be successful in a world with nobody in it?

I continue to struggle with the decision of going to graduate school. It seems, with everything that is happening, that it is simply not worth it in the long run. The investment that I am going to receive is not going to be justified, in fact, it will not even be an investment. At this stage of life, it sounds like an absolutely nuisance. Higher loans, higher interest rates, and a lack of an adequate salary increase is not going to inspire or motivate anyone to go back to school. For school is only necessary for people who want to perform certain types of duties; very specific jobs that require the expertise and knowledge of an area of study in order to be completed successfully. My job requires no degree, in all its reality. Anyone could be trained to perform the tasks that I perform, whether they possess a degree or not. The sad reality is that yes, perhaps I, like millions, was scammed into thinking that it was necessary to go to school in order to obtain a “successful” job. But what is a successful job if one is still struggling to pay for the bare necessities? I looked at my credit card account last night, and I was not happy with what I saw. There may have been a few (and just a few) luxury transactions, but they were not of an astronomical account. What truly added up, and quickly, were the essential purchases.
So the cost of living goes up, and the salaries remain the same. It is through this process that the middle class is going to disappear in this “great” country, and there will be nothing left but a struggling class and the wealthy.

The holiday seasons is approaching, and feelings of sadness, anxiety, and melancholy have begun to take over. Despite everything that is happening in the world, and in life, it’s also important to find sometime to water our minds with positive thoughts and imagery. Yes, this is a difficult task, but it is not impossible to achieve. It is very much like trying to write an entry when there isn’t much to say; or when one truly feels that they have written about every single thought and event that occurs in daily life. However, I made a promise to continue writing, no matter what. It cannot be given up. That would be doing a disservice to ourselves, the world, and anyone that could benefit or become inspired by the words found on these writings. It is simple for me to write once I begin, the struggle occurs in the beginning, when my mind is attempting to formulate the main idea of what the paragraphs are going to be about. However, most of these entries are in a narrative format, and the subjects change, with transition, as my thoughts change. Perhaps my brain has a “To do” list, which are the thoughts of the hour, of the moment, that must manifest themselves into words written on a screen.

I have been thinking about starting a blog, however, the process is completely unknown to me. I am also not sure if people would want to read what I write. I am certain that some people could benefit from these words. The question comes down to what type of subjects do I want to write about?

Lately, there is a sense of wanting to do something greater with my life. It’s not that I am completely unhappy, but there is a longing of needing to go above and beyond what is being done at this moment, to achieve something greater than the current work that I am performing. It is one of the most frustrating and soul clenching feelings one could experience, but the positive side of things is that it is an indication of acknowledging that one wants to do better and be better. The journey has to continue, for various reasons, of that I am certain. I am not sure of where it is going to take me. All I pray for is a solution to the uncertainty. It must come from within; I am fully aware. The only ingredient that is missing is a catalyst.

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