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Another day gone by. Was busy at work so at least that kept me happy. I am now dealing with another crazy that talks too much…but really, poor broken souls. Yet they continue to believe in god and have faith…despite all the horrors they have been through. I think that certainly speaks for itself; perhaps this is what true faith is about. I leave those problems in their living room tables; after all, they are not my problems. I only help navigate through them. I do love my job, I am lucky to say so. I know what it is like to have a job you hate. One of the worst feelings.

I continued to obsess over political news today. I know that it is not good for me, but the obsession wouldn’t stop. I’m just in disbelief about the things that are happening in this country right now. These so called leaders are so blatantly hateful and ignorant…and people still vote for them. What is happening to the world? What fucked up reality is this? I have to develop a plan to truly stay away from everything. I can’t carry the burden of the world on my shoulders, nobody can. I already deal with enough at work. And speaking of burden, I was thinking about my life earlier today. I have to be thankful because I have a relatively easy life. I am free of major stressors and at least have a quality of life where I am. When I think about moving out soon, in the next 6 months or so, I know that it will be a struggle. This is why proper arrangements have to be made.

The weather is finally cooperating and today is the first day of summer. I think that a trip to the beach on Saturday is going to rejuvenate me so much. Yes.

For now, I have to think about the plan that is going to be developed and put in place to avoid the outside world. I have said this many times, but it is the only way to preserve the little bit of peace and sanity that we have left. “Every day we walk out into a tragic world, but we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.” I am going to live by this motto for as long as I can.

We are living an aberration in this country where politicians are destroying the lives of millions of people. I’m so tired of the hate and ignorance. But my sincere hope is this: I hope that every single person who supports hate and doesn’t think that anything is going to happen to them gets everything taken away from them. I don’t care. I hope you lose your health care and your livelihood. You are playing yourself and your fellow country men. I am so disgusted to be a part of this sickening world. You would think that after everything that has happened in such short time, people would wake up, but they continue not go. So, in the long run, when the economy is destroyed and your services taken away, you will not have any other person to blame but yourself. So fuck every single person that votes for ignorance and hate. I hope that you, your children, and grandchildren pay the price, like the rest of us do. But don’t get too comfortable. Enjoy this brief moment while you can, because the majority of the world is laughing at you. And when things change, and things will change, because nothing is forever, then you will be at the receiving end of defeat. This is inevitable.

So fuck this country right now, and every single person that has brought on this disgrace of a government and nightmare for the rest of us. But don’t worry, you will also suffer with the policies that only benefit the 1% of the petty billionaire class. You are too ignorant and blind to see. Too fucking stupid. It’s beyond any words. So I’ll leave it at that. We are laughing at you too.

K asked for FROYO today but I just couldn’t bring myself to say yes. I’m going to the gym this evening and needed time to relax after dinner. Also, there is a rainstorm pelting everything right now and some thunder. So I guess Wednesday is the first official day of summer? But who the hell cares? Who the hell made up these imaginary days and rules? The weather hasn’t been cooperating anyways.

I’ve spend the last two days reading the old entries from this blog, most of it which is private. It has to stay private to protect some identities, but as I have mentioned before, it is genius writing. Maybe it can be published as a small memoir one day…without editing. It has to be raw in order to serve its purpose.

I went along a small joy ride today after a work meeting to the country. It was so beautiful, and driving around the lake, seeing those big houses on the hills…how I really wish that was my life. Part of me really wants to stay in the country, but another part of me knows that this would be a lonely life for the most part. Today, I have come to truly realize that I never knew what I was doing with my life. I thought I did, but I really don’t. I don’t think that any of us do. Part of me wants to live in the country, part of me wants to ┬álive in the city outskirts…it’s all a mess. And I will never make enough money to lead the type of life that I want, so that’s another reason to be in a relationship.
And speaking of relationship, we finally broke out of the norm last night and went to a show. He said that I need to have thick skin in order to be with him, and that I should be able to call him out and put him in his place. Although when I have tried to do that, I am met with resistance. Well, I think that I should remind him of this then. He does have a big fortune coming in the future, so that is another advantage. Some days I want things to work out, and some days I am not sure that they will. But isn’t that what I longed for anyway? This whole time? Some one to accept me with all of my flaws? He has been the only one…so far anyway. I really don’t know what I am going to do, and hoping for the best without being proactive and working to improve the relationship isn’t exactly a good plan.

I received a thank you note from my brother’s finance regarding the present that I bough for their wedding. See you in July indeed. Some things stay the same, and some things change. But don’t they say that things are always changing? Well, as the song says, “The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same.”

I am hoping that the next few weeks give me a break so I can travel to Vermont on a Saturday. The weather has been plotting against me. I don’t appreciate it one bit! We aren’t even allowed to have decent weather in this bankrupt state…people are leaving, businesses are leaving…what will there be in the end?

Saving up is taking forever. There is always something impeding meeting my goals. These 1000 dollar something credit card bills NEED to fucking stop. I even sold my iPad to make up for some of the costs. Yes, it was hard to part ways with it, it’s still strange that it is gone (all this sentiment for a piece of technology? A testament of how dumb we have gotten), but I will take any help that I can get at this point. I can’t wait to just pay off all of school…I haven’t been paying them anything for almost two months now. Why throw money away to interest? The biggest scam of it all is the entire University and loan system. I can’t fucking WAIT for the day that these loans are gone. July? August? When? I really hope to be done with this September the earliest, I can’t take it anymore. And after that, save up to try and attempt to find a decently priced apartment. I just wish I didn’t have to live in this place. I want to leave. I’ve been wanting to leave for years, but the older I grow , the more I realize how hard it actually is. I’ll leave it at that before I go into another mindless rant.















Well the weather has finally gotten better. There might be some more rain and thunder next week.

My weekend was going to be great except that I hit an unknown object on the highway and now I have to take my car to repairs. I am too scared to drive far in its present condition, which is not awful but still something to be cautious of. No major damage has been done, thankfully. In 3 days I will find out how much it is. Everything is being delayed, so I gave up the other day and said to myself that I’ll move out when it happens. I am done stressing and letting other people pressure me. They can just go fuck themselves. I’m so tired of the expectations and rules that people and society put on everything. Just fuck off and let me be.

I had a dream last night I was talking to an ex friend about my dead friend. Not sure why she visited me in my dream last night. I also had a bad dream about my car being damaged. I’m lucky to not have gotten hurt.

So there goes the weekend. And tomorrow my bf doesn’t want to go to the beach because he said he wouldn’t want to be there every weekend. I’m not sure why life has done this to me…make me find someone to have a special connection with but put all these obstacles between us. We have gotten through a lot of tough and difficult times, and the last two weeks have been amazing. It has been peaceful and I would like for this to continue. I just wish he did more things. It bums me out, but it does not make me unhappy because he lets me do what I like to do, and at the end of the day, I end up doing what makes me happy. I wish he was there with me but he doesn’t like the same things I do. So many people say this is a good thing because it won’t get boring. I’m not sure…would it not be more fun if the couple did things they had in common a lot? Although…I don’t like to always be with him. I want my separate time from him and so does he. I think this is very healthy. I remember saying to myself several times in the past that I couldn’t stand couples who went to every single place together. Why? That doesn’t need to happen. For example, last month my coworker was invited to going out after work but part of the reason she could not go is because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend who lived over an hour away from the place we were going to. Would it have killed her to go alone? Jesus fuck. I also remember one of my cousins who always had his girlfriend around. I never liked this either. Couples who are always joined at the hip and acting like they just fell in love, hovering all over each other is irritating to me. Nobody cares. So yes I do want that healthy balance of doing what I like to do. I’m very independent too, at times, and would not always want him around for certain things. No matter how similar we were. But still, it would still be nice if we were able to do more of those things together. It just seems like a big cosmic joke, really. All of life is, at this point.

I try so hard to stay away from the news but it seems the news chase people these days. No matter where you go, there is always something. Always. The world has been to shit for the past couple of years, but this year especially has started off with so many bad things happening. They say that something very bad is going to be happening to the world soon. And what could that be? What could be worse than the things that have been happening lately? I don’t even want to ask. There are times that I want to cry, but then I tell myself that I have to be strong. Yes strong not to cry, but am I not human for telling myself that I have to hide from what is happening out there? Am I not human for telling myself not to burden my spirit with all the bad news? This does not mean that I am not compassionate. It means that I have my own troubles going on. Why would I want to continue to add more grief to my life? It is sad, really. One wants to care, but at the same time, caring too much and so much will only wear you down.

Things continue to not make much sense, so I gave up on trying to even solve or make sense of them. Nothing will ever be perfect or ideal, no matter how “close” we come to it. It just won’t ever happen. That I am convinced of. More later, probably. Most likely.

The year is almost over…my annual reflection address will soon be written. Drama has already taken place at my new job, albeit insignificant. Humanity continues to implode…the barbarism in full force until the bitter end. The deplorable king will tale office soon; but I suspect a disastrous term. Perhaps this will be the last time that this is mentioned on this blog…unless a course altering event eliminates the mandate.

Winter is bitter and dark; the sun seldom makes an appearance. As the holidays fast approach, sentiments loom over the many changes that unfoled this year. I am doing my very best to accomodate all; and grace them with my presence (friends, family, and my significant other).

The plan for 2017: continue to save up as much as possible, and look for a place to live on my own after the Fall ends. This will allow for a substantial amount to be secured. They say that a good way to make life laugh is to make plans…but what else is there left to do? I try my best to stay occupied, to maintain my brain active…yoga and cognitive puzzles are a blessings. Further, there isn’t a single day that goes by in which music is not a part of daily life.

Sent a couple of holiday cards last week…gratitude has come back to knock on my door, and it will continue to do so, as long as it continues to be shared.

Let us be kind to one another, and remember that there are many across the world who have nobody, and have lost everything. Even if one may not be religious, let us pray and send our most pure and sincere positive energies to the many who are suffering. May they find a light at the end of the tunnel.

The month has barely begun and everything is already a mess. I caught grandma talking about me yesterday; I pretended to be asleep on the couch while she launched into her whisper rant in the kitchen to grandpa. To think that I helped her with house chores and bought her cookies the other day…only to be called a “manipulator,” and “disrespectful.” How? Who am I trying to manipulate? I have no insurance, have not started my new job yet, and am not making any money. What would the purpose of this manipulation be? She knew I was not feeling well since two days ago. What an ungrateful world. Well, I should like to say that she has damaged her bridge with me.

The drama contiunes to extend as far as South America. Nobody seems to be immune from it.

Auntie wants palm trees to cover her yard for a more discreet view; but the bill arrived at 20,000$. Her hubby had a fit. And today her 8,000$ Persian rugs have been lost in the mail…oh. Our final hopes at making it are dwindling before our eyes and ears. She simply must allocate all resources immediately…but I am afraid it might not work, for he has to put money into this.

The deplorable king continues to plug established men into his cabinet…so much for draining the swamp. If his supporters have not noticed by now that he scammed them, just like he scammed many in his casinos, hotels, and fake University, I truly feel sorry for them. Their time for punishment will come…and it is he who will be punishing them. Just deserts.

I continue to plan and think about my finances. Two more days and I will finally begin my new job. About time too.

The cold weather has come to stay…oh. I wonder how long I will continue to last in this madness.

I arrived to Dominican Republic last Saturday only to find out that Hillary Clinton was due to arrive shortly after. What a coincidence from the Universe. Looks like this trip came at a good time for both of us. She must be reeling from the treachery from the voters who turned their backs on the Democratic party. Interestinly enough, during a breakfast and lunch sit down at the apartment, the conversation took a macabre turn when my auntie’s husband spoke about the Cubans voting for Trump in Florida. No doubt that these votes tipped the scale in his favor. They too, will pay with their own blood.
I found out that family members also voted for him; they can forget that I exist. They are no family of mine.
The outcome of this election has inspired me to get involved, somehow, in my community. I detest politics, but when the future is at stake, there is nothing that we can do other than to fight and become active. I hope that this election has inspired many across the world to become more active in their communities. Mereover, I hope that it has also taught many more about the importance of voting.

The weather here has been lovely, for the most part. Last night, we watched the super moon, in all its enchanting mysticism. It was one of those moments where I was surely glad to be experiencing this strange, inexplicable existence. In any case, I have decided to put my existentialist questions and doubts aside, permanently, and go about with my business. No amount of thinking and rationalizing is going to solve or answer the mystery of life. It will remain a mystery; and this is the way that the Universe wants it so.

I received an email from the lab, offering a lame apology for their mishaps. I replied promptly with dryness, that they should be the ones to pay for my emergency room bill. Let’s see what they say to that. No doubt that I will reply with an even dryer response.

Days here go by quickly; it’s as if I am in a time warp. Life here is very lazy and carefree, as it should be on an island. I did yoga by the beach cove today, and it was truly calming. I will continue this ritual until the time comes to leave. But even still, it is something that I should be doing in the summer time as well. Indoor yoga can be very dull and not as spiritual as outdoor yoga. For there is no experience of fresh air, outdoor noise, and the outdoor scenery.

More later…here’s hoping to many more things to be able to blog about as time goes by.









N canceled our trip today last minute. I’m left here pondering and sulking about the unreliability of people. I’m left wondering why humans have to be so disappointing; sure, I’ve been disappointing myself at times, but I can identify myself as a considerate person. She had well over a week to prepare for this day trip and do her school work. If she texts me, I’m going to let her know how I feel. Far too old to be hiding things from people.
Far too old to be dwelling on the question of whether people value me as a friend or not. My boyfriend said to give her the benefit of the doubt, since she’s never canceled anything before. At the same time, what she did is no excuse; poor behavior management skills. When I get back from the islands, I am sure that her and M are going to ask to go out to dinner, and I am going to respond by saying that they should go have fun on their own, because I am done spending money on eating out for a long time.
That’s the trick; I am just another victim of the capitalist corporate world. I enslaved myself with student debt, thinking that I would have a better life if I went to college. And perhaps that is true; I may have a better chance than others since I have my education, but that does not gurantee me, or anyone, anything.

I am tired of hearing how tired everyone else is of the world. Hell, I’m even tired of hearing myself say that. Maybe Barbie was right; all life is to suffer and die. I wanted to be the optimistic person and disagree with him. Building a better life for myself starts with the way that I control my thoughts. At the same time, as much as I hate this system, the undying hope within me is that of making it through my aunt’s project. But knowing her unpredictability, the hope might just die. Maybe I am just like every other pathetic human; waiting and hoping for something to come, which will never come, to make things better. This hope within me is more so a desire of revenge against everyone who said that I would never be somebody in life. A victory against everyone who wants the same things that I want, but will not get them. This was supposed to be the most historic of life events for me, the chance that I long for in life. But that train never came…my spirit was under the illusion that it would come to pick me up. How many years has it been, now? 2? How many more years do I have to wait? Tomorrow is not guranteed. I loathe the fact that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to be as successful as I want to be, on my own. Relying on others for a monumental success is not going to ever pan out…no matter how many things they tell me. What gets me more is that I want to be a member of this pathetic, insane society of wealth. But I am not. I want to be what I hate…so do I truly hate it? This society and system have caused me nothing but suffering and misery. Now I’m an anxious being. And I am paying the pharmaceutical companies money to numb me from this pain; pain that their corporate friends and government have caused me (and others, believe me I am not alone). Isn’t that the insanity? We pay the system to treat us from the pain that they have caused us. What kind of planet are we living in? Is anything real? Does anything make sense?

I would say that the only people who are truly happy are those who are rich. But I know this to be folly. For I know that there are some who have it all but feel broken inside from reasons that I will never know. I went so far as to call someone “stupid” because I learned, that even though the are married to a wealthy oil business man, they are suffering from a deep depression. But who could feel this way if they have that kind of life? Can I know why? At least let me know why. Then I think about the miserable scumb of the earth that live in the ghetto and have absolutely no ambition or motivation in life. I think of them living their entire lives in the streets, with absolutely no opportunity for them to even do half of the things that I have done in life. Yet, when I think about this, I say to myself that I do not care. I do not care about these people. Why? It’s not about empathy, it’s about wanting better things for myself. I am not going to feel better knowing that there are people who are worse off than I am. It does not affect me in the slightest. Today, my brain asked me if I would like to switch lives with a homeless man. I said “Fuck no.”
God is truly dead. I hate to sound so negative, but how could I stay positive in the kind of world that we are living in? How could I stay positive with the way that humans are? How could I? I am open to suggestions, I am open to criticism. I am not the type of person to point the finger and withdraw when facing criticism. I can dish it and take it at the same time. I’ll manage. I’ll find a way to manage. What choice do I have? Suicide? What for? I find it amazing that some of us would rather stay here and continue to suffer in this world rather than kill ourselves. If I had the strenght, I would have killed myself a long time ago. Which brings me to ask myself: Have things gotten better since? Does it truly “Get better” as they say? Or is that reserve only for those people who make it in life after facing the storm? What about the people who face the storm all of their lives? What about the people who face the storm only to all of a sudden die? To those who say “It gets better,” it does not get better. It only gets easier to cope with the fact that it may not ever get better. But that’s just how life is. That’s what we have done to ourselves. We cannot truly complain about the world or the systems that opress us if we have enabled it and created it. It makes absolutely no sense at all. The only way people would be right to complain is if they have attempted to change the status quo, and are unable to. Otherwise, you deserve to suffer your miserable, pathetic, consumerist life.

What a shitty day it has been. What a mediocre year.








November it’s here. It’s difficult for me to imagine that the year is almost over. It’s almost difficult to imagine, that soon, a year will have passed since her passing. When I think about all of the things that I have done this year, all of my trips, activities, and work related activities, it makes sense that the year has gone by quicky. At the same time, it does not feel this way. Perhaps, sometime during the summer, I lost myself in a world of fantasy, and ignored the fact that my mental health was taking a terrible toll. Maybe this was a brief period of tranquility, which mystifies me. I know that thoughts must be changed to those of happiness.

Yoga rates for last month were terrible. I have to do a better job this month and try my best to do a lot more…October was busy. There is nothing more that I look forward to than to do yoga on the beach, every day, once I go away on vacation to the island. I did yoga yesterday, for the first time in 4 days, and it felt wonderful. It was very refreshing to feel that peace, that inner happiness, and tranquility that comes with the exercise.

Frustrations continue to overcome me regarding finances…and maybe the process of paying off the loans will be delayed for a month or two. There are tough, pressing questions that I have to ask myself regarding what to do with the significant amount of money that will be saved. Should it all be gone in one swing to get rid of the student debt, forever? Should I save it and continue to pay loans, as if nothing was happening, until they are paid off when I am in my late 30s (if I even get to that age)? The initial plan now is to pay them off and work at this new job for a year…save up as much as possible and see where things go with my new relationship. I am not going to be stuck living in the future anymore, I am only going to focus on the present moment and enjoy things as they are. My mistake was to wish for things to come by quickly, while forgetting to live in the present moment. Perhaps this is something that many people struggle with…always wishing for a better tomorrow instead of making the best out of today. It is such an important, yet overlooked aspect of life. Enjoy what we have today so that we may enjoy what we have tomorrow…if we still have it.

There are two final trips to be made before the year ends. After this, I will take some time to rest and re-think the present situation…but not too much. Thinking about things too much brings despair.

Predictions are in regarding winter; sheer cold but not too much snow. I prefer the snow over the cold, but perhaps this is for the best. I wonder if this will be my last winter in this place. I have stopped wondering about those things…each year that I have stated wanting to leave this place, I end up being stuck here. So no more energies left to ponder about that, but to focus on current plans and to make sure that goals are met.

Work has been keeping me busy, despite a low case count. This is the busiest I have been in a very long time…how interesting. In any case, a part of me will not miss being a social worker. I am tangled up in my own life to be tangled up in the deeper struggles of others. It can be draining…and this is something that I do not need at the moment. I need all the energies I can muster to continue to navigate life and address the challenges that will come my way…and challenges will come. But I am a strong person, and I hope that through these writings, someone will benefit. Even if it is just one person, then I have made a significant difference. This is the way that I like to think about things. No more time for negativity, it has drained me and deeply affected those around me. I no longer want to harm those people. I no longer want to harm myself. I no longer want to live the life of depression and anxiety. It was dark, bleak, and gray. But now, it’s time to see colors. Yes, difficult days will come, but it is up to my thoughts to decide how to react to those difficult days. It is also important to remember that things could always be so much worse, and that there are many across the globe who would love to trade places with me, even for a couple of hours. I am very fortunate for what I have, and thankful to the Universe for providing me with what I have today. Some may say that my existence was random, and even if they are correct, it still does not take away the fact that I am thankful for everything that I have in this life…for my family and friends that care about me and want me to be well. Yes, the Universe has blessed me. Even if tomorrow is time to return to the Earth, it does not take away the fact that I am lucky to have what I have.









Not sure why but I am thinking too much about my feelings for him. Not sure what feelings toward someone is supposed to feel like. I know I care about him, I like to spend time with him, but for some reason all these things are going through my head that should not be going through my head. He is kind to me, understands me, listens, offers advice, wisdom, affection, passion, loyalty, and strong patience. We can never win because we will never find the perfect partner. It is curious because my last one dressed modestly and had the same interests that I had, but did not show as much affection, nurture, or passion as my present does. But he shows all of that…only that our interests vary and we do not dress the same. It is so silly to think of those as reasons to give up a relationship. They are so petty and superficial.

Final round of interview next week, and things will be decided then. I booked a trip to the Dominican island for November, and I shall be cunning in regards to masking that from them. Luckily, 4 weeks notice is required at my current position…that works out in my favor. I think that this is truly meant to be.

I long for Vermont…but alas, it is nearly three weeks away. I pray KD does not cancel it, I will be extremely upset.