You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘world’ tag.

I feel dejected and empty inside. I don’t think my life is ideal. It feels like it’s all wrong and I am so dissatisfied with everything. My job doesn’t seem right; doesn’t pay enough and it’s tiring to deal with the problems of others, as well as managers. My relationship doesn’t seem right; he doesn’t like all of the things that I like and it feels like he makes no effort to compromise. My family life is wrong; I don’t have a relationship with my brother and it’s damaged with my parents because they have shown no interest in my relationship which has hurt it. My friend life is wrong; feeling lonelier as the weeks go by and I barely talk or see anyone. My home life is wrong; I have to move out because it is intolerable and awkward to live with my parents.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Have to take a break from smoking weed because that isn’t helping. And it’s hard with all of these things going on because it makes me want to take xanax, and this past week I took it twice. It has been a long time since that happened…can’t remember the last time xanax was taken. Everything just seems like a low key nightmare right now. Not sure if it’s because the focus is on all of the negative things, probably. After all of these years. Why can’t my brain stop doing this to me? And the racing inner thoughts and monologues…the worst part. I had to come here tonight to write about everything because there is no other outlet for this to be let out in. Been thinking about going back to therapy but money is always an issue…well, not entirely an issue but it’s still hard when saving up is the main goal. And to be honest, it will be predictable…all therapists care about is client retention because that’s more money for them.

There is no need to hear “it’s all up to you to change all of this,” because I don’t want to hear it. This is something that I already know. It’s difficult right now, especially with the financial situation. Next year, maybe after summer, I have to really try to look for something pays more. It is going to be hard work…but life is just going by so fast. Everything is so surreal, and it is really hard not to ask existential questions. We’re all just a ghost in a shell. Nothing makes sense anymore and it doesn’t seem like it ever did. Today, I uttered out loud; I hate everything. I feel depressed.

Advertisements

Another end to the work week, and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. Being back from vacation is always depressing, so I was not sure what was in store for me. Luckily, it was nothing that was terrible. I still have to come up with a strategy for needy people. I have to continue to try and be tougher, and develop methods to be firm. I think that I have come a long way.

The “catastrophic” storm is making a direct hit down south after midnight tomorrow. Those poor people. Not all of my family was able to evacuate. I guess that this is the price that one must pay for living in paradise. Yet again, I do enjoy the region of the country that I live in. I have to say that it is unique and exquisite in its own way. Tomorrow, I plan a hike. It has been quite sometime since this happened, so I have to ensure that I make the best of it. The weather will be nor warm nor cool, just right. I hope for no rain.

K had a miscarriage and nearly died. It is…beyond words to think about this. Just weeks ago, I was randomly thinking of what would happen if she died. That thought just randomly crossed my mind. It was not something that I was expecting or planning; it was just a passing thought, like most of my thoughts. Or most of our human thoughts anyway. I think that the world is going through a difficult era at the present moment, and the thought of day may be more present in our minds than usual. I don’t fear it.

In any case, I am so close to eradicating my debt. And speaking of debt, a gigantic data breach was announced. The spineless, soulless pigs made assurances to themselves before announcing it to the world. What can we expect in this disgusting world we are living it? And people ask me why I hate people! There is your answer. I know that not everyone is bad, but I can say, for certain, that I despise other humans! I want to go away, far away in the mountains, But the curious thing is that we need social interactions to survive. So this is why I have very few friends, whom I have kept very close through the years. And I shall continue to do so. It is essential. The sad reality is that good people are hard to come by…genuine people are a rare gift. We have to treasure them.

The world will continue to spiral downward. But we will continue life, as if nothing was happening. As Lana del Rey sings, “When the world was at war before, we just kept dancing. And we’ll do it again.”

Today was a difficult day. I spent the first half of the day worrying and crying over the potential threat of war that is now looming in the world. The thought about nuclear war has me feeling very ill and depressed. I expressed my concerns to R and E. A good conversation took place with R regarding the circumstances and potential motives of these events, while E was more of a quicker “let me comfort you,” sentence. But no matter. This brings me back to dreams that I’ve had where fire is raining down from the skies…only that the possibility of this is not a dream. It’s a living nightmare.
It’s sickening to think that the world is ruled by mad men with big egos who are offended by anything. The stupidity and evil of men is going to be the ultimate downfall. There is just no way to say this. It is so unfair that humanity has to suffer because of a few soulless men who are only interested in themselves. I don’t know what else to think about this…R suggested that I just move on and go on with my life. It does go on, after all, no matter what. This also brings back bad memories of a book I read for high school summer called “On the beach” which talks about the end of the world after many nuclear bombs were detonated. I just can’t believe that this is happening to our world right now. People are lost, full of self interest and greed. There is no compassion or kindness anymore. There are many fake people walking among us, who pretend to be pure, but in reality, are using that to lure in the kind hearted ones and take advantage of them. Believe this; I have met them myself.

A storm is looming in the ocean and due to hit sometime next week; anticipating a lot of rain and winds, but nothing else, since we are away from the ocean.

I have given up on trying to come up with a timeline on when I will be officially done with debt. It is going to happen when it is supposed to happen. What I can say, for certain, is that this is closer than ever before, and for that, I am glad.

Back to work tomorrow, and I have no idea what to expect. I am not sure what is waiting for me, but I will tackle it accordingly. I have to remain tough, and I have to remain decisive because I do not want to be involved more than I should with what I do.

There is nothing else to write about for the time being. Some suspicions from my loved one about someone, but there is nothing to worry about. I think that these worries are unfounded, because there is no contact going on. It is rather off putting because it comes across as obsessive and it just turns me off. Someone should be able to trust, and trust fully. Never mind the things that have been said in the past; those were empty words, fueled by moments of weakness and emotion. I did not mean any of those things that were said. But in any case, they will never come to see the day of light. And further, we made a promise to each other, on our one year anniversary, that we would put everything in the last year behind us and start fresh, and so we did. I truly feel that, after our one year mark passed, things have been drastically different. Something in the air…something has changed between us. And for that, I am glad, because it has changed for the better. I truly hope that things can stay this way, because I am not sure that either one of us can take another year of the same struggles that took place on the first year. But I have a good feeling that these struggles are officially dead, in the past, and that they will not be coming back to haunt us in the future.

More later, as it happens.

I am anxious for everything to be done soon. But I should really just take my time on the ride and enjoy it while it lasts. One day it won’t.
A good weekend, for the most part. Beach Saturday and then dinner last night with the love. Need to investigate this fortune business a bit more and see how it would be possible to benefit from it. So perhaps, the prediction would come true, that I am going to be the one better off financially than the others. I guess that life will find a way to fulfill this for me, after all. The failed business could not stop this self fulfilling prophecy from coming to fruition. The only obstacle is the matter that I am worried about…a serious of personal communications that should have never took place. There are worse sins in the world, committed by many, than the one that took place. That is the only item that could ruin the chances. Part of me of very anxious that it may come to light, and a part of me is certain that it would be very difficult for it to reach the intended target because of lack of resources and clues that the enemy has. That is why it is always good not to give out a lot of information to someone unless it is from a trustworthy source, and even still. Then, another part of me is saying that what is done is done, and the past cannot be changed. Then I remember the quote about not crying over spilt milk; for it is gone and never coming back. That will at least help me cope if things go disastrously, but, there is a part of me that is absolutely certain that there is no way for this to ever come to light. So I am going to remain positive about it and hope that indeed, it does not ever see the light of day. Denial can always be used, but I do not know how effective it would be once the evidence is shared. I guess that I learned from this experience; I learned a whole lot. It shall never happen again for as long as I live.

I should be happy that things are going to be changing a lot next year, perhaps. But still, I am inpatient. This year has been a year of transition; the stage has been set by the Universe for further change to occur next year. And so they shall, for that is the only constant of life. I cannot wait for the war to finally be over; it has been years and a lot of work has been done in order to bring it to an end. I will finally live the debt free life; but that means that I have to be budgeting often and be very cautious about expenses.

Let us continue this journey.

I accidentally typed 8/7/117 and well, it might as well be the year 2117 because I feel like we are in a time warp. It has already been a week of August and today flew by. Just sad to think about. Does time not go at the same speed every day?

On Saturday, I made new projections on the budget and everything will be done late October. So much for having this debt war taken care of by March of this year. Many delays and inconveniences along the way, but after finishing the projects, there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. At least that is what we tell ourselves.

Mostly tired. Tired of the daily routine, endless tasks to be done, and bulk of useless information that has to be remembered for work. My relationship and work take a lot of my time. It’s just too much. I barely have time for myself anymore. This past weekend, I played video games for the first time in a long while. I stayed in Friday night and will continue to do so in order to save money. Except for upcoming vacations, there is nothing truly exciting going on. Although I try my absolute best to make the best of each and every single day. I was finally able to lay down around 9:30 tonight after running non stop all day. Adult life is awful, why do children wish they would grow up? To do what they want? Well, you can’t just do whatever you want when you are an adult, unless you are rich. And that is a fairytale for the 1%.

What I want is a vacation for myself, alone, in the mountains. Maybe that is something that I will do next year. Go far away into the northeast kingdom of Vermont for a few days and just forget about the entire world. That sounds like a dream.

Today was another cool day of rain, and summer continued to dwindle down. Sad. At this time, I’m just going along with the flow of things and not really caring for the bigger picture. Only the small things are to be controlled, but the bigger picture, that’s just up to the Universe.

SE is not doing well. They say it’s just a matter of time now…weeks maybe. I have not been able to visit because of being so busy. But a part of me does not want to see the inevitable. I want to have happy memories, not the memory of being in the final stage. I promised VK that I will try to make arrangements to visit next Monday. I am leaving Tuesday night for Cape Cod and Monday would be my only free night. I will not go to the gym next week, there just won’t be time or days to do so.

Life goes on, somehow, despite everything.

Tomorrow marks a week since I went to Vermont. It was a truly magnificent experience; I haven’t been since June of last year. The way of life up there is much more different than it is here. Everything is slower…people seem to be nicer, happier, and relaxed. Of course, that is not the way that things are in this dump. People are miserable, pathetic, and disgusting. Sad. But I won’t let that ruin me. Going to Vermont is like going to a whole other world. I wish that it was eternal summer…I would pack everything and move up there. Yes, I would be willing to leave my life behind and start new. The only problem is that I could not survive the Winters there. I already struggle with our mild Winters. And speaking of seasons, summer is coming to an end soon and I am already feeling dreadful about it. It was not long enough and it was gone much too soon…like everything in life. I am not going to get into that.

I continue to read my diary entries from yesteryears and I am so amazed at the transformations that I have gone through. Even though I am not finished yet (and I will be very sad when I do, these are just amazing and put a lot into perspective), I can see how far I have come. I can see how much my mind has changed. Today, I can say that for once, maybe since I was a child, I am very happy with my life. There are things that have not yet been achieved (moving out of state, living alone, paying off debt, etc.), but we are close to being debt free, and that will transition us into moving out in the coming months. Change is possible, and for me, things did get better. I realize that this is not the case for a lot of people. I remember asking: “How do you know that it gets better? You don’t know.”  And yes, we might not actually know that it gets better. Maybe that saying is for people whose lives DID get better, so they are allowed to tell others “It gets better,” but what they are really trying to say is, “It got better for me, so there is a possibility that it might get better for you.” I am one of the few lucky ones whose life really did get better. I count my blessings each and every single day. I am thankful for all of the positive changes and the stability that life has brought to me in the last year or so. Finally, finally, I can look back to these older diary entries and feel a sense of security, feel a sense of relief, that all of that pain, torture, and depression is so far away, that I am not able to see it in the rearview mirror. It’s like the giant mountain that slowly disappears out of view, so you shift your eyes and look forward, because there is nowhere else to look but ahead. I really am happy that this is how my life is turning out so far. Yes- there will be times of struggle and hardship; that is inevitable. But in the great scheme of life, there is nothing that I can complain about. Thank you life for all of the abundance. I am overjoyed. Positive changes are very possible, and for me, yes, it got better.

I am glad the week is over. It was busy and a little stressful at times, but we managed. I am also thankful that there is no more tension in my relationship. I had to cut J out completely because after stating that boundaries had to be respected, the message did not truly resonate, and so, I was left with no choice. This was the only choice; it was the right decision. This is something that I should have done a very long time ago. My naive spirit got the best of me, and I confess that I did not think that this would be a problem. Had there been hindsight, none of this would have happened. Just know that there was no harm intended on my part; no malicious or ill will plans. This was truly an honest mistake; which was accepted as being on our part, and it will provide a great and significant opportunity for self growth. It is better to learn about this now than to learn it later on in life. Yes, that is what life is all about, for some, learning lessons. But these lessons can only be learned through mistakes. The only downside is that my partner had to suffer and felt hurt by these mistakes. The positive side of this story is that this will never happen again, and that it is finally behind us both. Everything truly does happen for a reason, and if life dictated that J had to leave forever, then I accept what life has to teach me. It is important to always be open to change. It is important to embrace our errors, mistakes, mishaps, and to learn from them. It is pointless to beat ourselves up and focus on the feelings of dread that they might cause. What we need to do, and what we should have done a long time ago, is to take these mistakes and only focus on the positive, and on what each of these had to teach us. That way, they would not be committed again.

Not much going on this weekend. I am still struggling with the fact that my partner is not as active as I am. Everything else has finally fallen into place, and I truly feel that all of our hurdles are finally behind us. But at the end of the day, this is something that I cannot simply ignore. It bothers me, and I am trying to come around so that it does not bother me. Something can fix this, right? I do believe that there are solutions to these type of things. I am trying to find out how to exactly handle this situation…and the hope is that it can somehow be resolved. The best thing is to avoid conflict. However, at the end of the day, a part of me feels disappointed. Reading through these past entries, through the years, there is a common theme (among many), and that is to find something to have a connection with. The greatest irony of all, is that I have met men in the past that had very similar interests to mine, but there was never a true connection there. Perhaps with only two, but I drove them away. And still, the circumstances of life back then would not have allowed the relationship to work out. And now that I made an instant connection to someone, which has resulted into my first adult relationship, there are “problems” because he practically does not like to do anything. Only time will tell what is going to happen. I know that I would be devastated if things came to an end, but as my wise friend said to me recently, “Opposites attract, but do they stay together?”

It’s August. Today I enjoyed the scenery of the back country while going out to my visit, which was fruitless anyway because the client was not there. Although I did obtain some updates.
The more I am out in nature, the more I yearn and long to live in it. I wish I could own a house in the country; I would be the happiest person in the entire world. Will I ever be able to own a house?

The crickets are finally singing; took them long enough. It was a cold summer, and beach trips were minimal…which is sad, but I will try my best to make up for it during August and maybe the first few weeks of September. I hope.

Work is going well, but there are times when I want to strangle the project coordinator. That position is not needed and they ought to let this person go. They are useless and do not do their job; poisonous type of person. I just have to play along and pretend that I am on good terms with it all; a paycheck is easy there and to be honest, I do love the job. Maybe I will explore something similar in the future with the state, but something that pays more, obviously.

And speaking of finances, I was able to make another move against the wall of debt that will soon be shattered. Just a few more months and this will all be over once and for all. I cannot wait to eradicate it after all of these years…and to think that there are people who spend a lifetime paying these loans back. Well, not me. I have made this a priority sometime ago, not to reach the age of 30 and be with debt. Once that is over with, I am going to have to learn how to do severe budgeting because I will be looking to live out on my own. That is going to be an interesting transition, and I truly hope that it will be easy, because I cannot afford any type of instability in my life right now.

Relationship wise…it’s going. He says things like he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me, but I refrain from saying things like that back because, in my mind, I am not sure of what the outcome of things is going to be. But then again, does anyone ever truly know what is going to happen? Nobody does.

I am very upset because today, as soon as I get on the expressway, I missed an incredible opportunity to take picture and/or video of this amazing lighting that cut across the sky. I don’t think that I will be able to get over that moment. Yes, I am very happy that I was able to witness it, but at the same time, I am very sad because I was not able to capture it and share it with the world. A memory may last sometime, but a photo can last until the end of time. Think about that.

I remain optimistic about my life. I truly feel that, for once, things are going very smoothly overall. I try not to complain about everything and make the absolute best of each and every day. Work is picking up so that is keeping me very busy, which is great. My only complaint that I have at this time, is that summer was not as we planned it out to be. I think that life was making it a more low key summer since last summer we went out of our way to make the absolute best of it. And today, I was thinking that all of this was triggered by the passing of my friend. Her death was meaningful, and it taught me that I have to enjoy my life to the fullest extent. Yes, many people may see life as meaningless, but I truly disagree with every single one of them. It is pure happiness, not delusion, to find meaning in every single corner of our lives. I am happier this way. So today, I concluded that, although her death was tragic and set off the worst existential crisis of all time, it gave me a new reason to live. It made me enjoy life and take all of my blessings to heart, and not for granted. This was the lesson that her passing taught me; this was the meaning that her death brought upon me.

Vacations are coming soon, and I should be very glad to finally take some time to relax and enjoy the ocean. I will not be planning on going back on vacation until March. I have to work and make sure that I accumulate enough vacation hours for a week off in March, and I should still have some left over in case I want to go somewhere else. But again, it all depends on finances. I was able to obtain free plane tickets through my credit card. That will save a lot of money.

Until later.

Today was just a really busy day full of the usual bullshit. And honestly the project coordinator is a stupid bitch. She has no idea how to do anything and is a complete flop; a waste of space and time. It’s hard to believe that people like that were the sperm cells that beat the others. Which just makes me think that everything is random…but I still like  to find meaning in things. I guess.

Nothing from my brother nor do I expect to hear from him for a long time. He is away at honeymoon and his phone broke. That’s fine; I honestly don’t really want to hear from him for a long time after experiencing the wedding of hell.

The weather is cold, and summer is coming to an end soon. Sad. A short and lukewarm summer. It was not as exciting as people were saying it was going to be and to be honest we were so busy with work and dealing with awful weekend weather that not much was done. There are a few final things in August, and I am going to Vermont on Saturday, with or without people!

In any case, I am going to resume reading some of my entries tonight, but I have to take my time with it because part of me really does not want them to end, although I know they will.

I want it to be Friday already…I am looking forward to Vermont.

Today the nazi president continued its assault on the most vulnerable of the country. I am disgusted but not surprised anymore; nothing surprises me anymore. This country is filled with scum. Nothing but scum full of hate. Pray for those lost souls, may they find peace one day.

I really wish I could have a country home. Away from people and in the quiet of the woods.

But until later.

I decided to go out last night after all…and I got home around 3:30 in the morning. After four drinks and 2 shots (or many 3) the night was made. I think I would have regretted it if I didn’t go. And on a random side note, on Thursday I saw license plates from the following states:

Hawaii, California, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Texas, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia, Oklahoma, New Jersey, Maine, Arizona, and Maryland…
Just wanted to include that for the record. I thought it was interesting to see all of those in just one day. I’m sure not many people can say that…or can they?

The wedding drama is over and I could not be any happier. I hope that it is over for good. The even is in one week and I know that it is going to be a very long day, but I hope that it just goes by really fast.

I am returning to the office July 24th (out for training and flying out on Friday) and will have two small vacations in August.

The move that I made against my student loans did pay off, so I made another, even bigger move to try to get this done as soon as I can. I know that everything is finally starting to fall in place. I cannot be home any longer…I have to be out as soon as possible. I do worry, at times, about finding a decent place. And my mind starts to think about the things that could “go wrong”, like having problematic people around where I live or the noise level, etc. All of those things. But I know that I can’t really worry about it.

But anyway, everything else seems to be fine at the moment. I am glad that things are slowly starting to just get settled now. Here is hoping that they continue to be that way for a long time. Finally emerging out of a very long and draining storm. I have not had any time to continue reading my previous journal entries. I think that maybe I will try to make some time to do it tomorrow in the evening before starting another week. A week of routine.
Was not able to go the gym a lot this week, only about two times. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Yes, I think I will briefly go tomorrow to say that I went 3 times. And I also have to remember to meet my quota so that my insurance can pay for it every other 6 months.

Spending continues to be an issue, I just have no idea how money can add up so much in such short time. That’s another one of my worries for when I move out. I will practically have to spend nothing except for the bare necessities and then see if I have anything left over. That’s how it is though, isn’t it? So I might as well enjoy these last few months of “financial freedom” while I still can, because I know that when I do leave, things are going to be much harder.

Until later.

Worst summer ever. Have only been to the beach once. And I can’t go during the week because of being a slave to capitalism. So I can’t do the things that I truly want to do. The weather on the weekends is also complete shit. Not happy about any of this right now and in an extremely bad mood.

Work was draining, people are so needy and I regret to inform them that I cannot save their lives. Sorry. I can only do so much to help, but at the end of the day, like I have said many times, this is their problem after all. We can’t save the world. Too much burden. Too many problems, too much suffering. No system is perfect to sustain life perfectly. There will always be problems and suffering and nothing can be done to stop it in the long run. Maybe prevention, sure, but nothing can truly be done to prevent people from going into misery. Poor souls.

So easy to let emotions get the best of me, but when I think about the fact that I have one life to live, spending it doing things that I don’t want to do only to “attempt to survive” is complete bullshit. So of course I am going to be angry. Who wouldn’t? I haven’t even been able to go to Vermont. This time last year, I’d already gone on two trips and the beach several times. This year, I have only gone once. Shitty summer. It’s not even that hot and there has been so much rain and clouds. I am so sick of living in new england. To hell with this fucking place. I realize that I am being extremely negative right now, but I don’t care. I need to let it out before it turns into something else. I’m sick of being bored on the fucking weekends too. This can’t be an enjoyable life. It’s fucking bullshit. Fuck this.