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I accidentally typed 8/7/117 and well, it might as well be the year 2117 because I feel like we are in a time warp. It has already been a week of August and today flew by. Just sad to think about. Does time not go at the same speed every day?

On Saturday, I made new projections on the budget and everything will be done late October. So much for having this debt war taken care of by March of this year. Many delays and inconveniences along the way, but after finishing the projects, there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. At least that is what we tell ourselves.

Mostly tired. Tired of the daily routine, endless tasks to be done, and bulk of useless information that has to be remembered for work. My relationship and work take a lot of my time. It’s just too much. I barely have time for myself anymore. This past weekend, I played video games for the first time in a long while. I stayed in Friday night and will continue to do so in order to save money. Except for upcoming vacations, there is nothing truly exciting going on. Although I try my absolute best to make the best of each and every single day. I was finally able to lay down around 9:30 tonight after running non stop all day. Adult life is awful, why do children wish they would grow up? To do what they want? Well, you can’t just do whatever you want when you are an adult, unless you are rich. And that is a fairytale for the 1%.

What I want is a vacation for myself, alone, in the mountains. Maybe that is something that I will do next year. Go far away into the northeast kingdom of Vermont for a few days and just forget about the entire world. That sounds like a dream.

Today was another cool day of rain, and summer continued to dwindle down. Sad. At this time, I’m just going along with the flow of things and not really caring for the bigger picture. Only the small things are to be controlled, but the bigger picture, that’s just up to the Universe.

SE is not doing well. They say it’s just a matter of time now…weeks maybe. I have not been able to visit because of being so busy. But a part of me does not want to see the inevitable. I want to have happy memories, not the memory of being in the final stage. I promised VK that I will try to make arrangements to visit next Monday. I am leaving Tuesday night for Cape Cod and Monday would be my only free night. I will not go to the gym next week, there just won’t be time or days to do so.

Life goes on, somehow, despite everything.

Tomorrow marks a week since I went to Vermont. It was a truly magnificent experience; I haven’t been since June of last year. The way of life up there is much more different than it is here. Everything is slower…people seem to be nicer, happier, and relaxed. Of course, that is not the way that things are in this dump. People are miserable, pathetic, and disgusting. Sad. But I won’t let that ruin me. Going to Vermont is like going to a whole other world. I wish that it was eternal summer…I would pack everything and move up there. Yes, I would be willing to leave my life behind and start new. The only problem is that I could not survive the Winters there. I already struggle with our mild Winters. And speaking of seasons, summer is coming to an end soon and I am already feeling dreadful about it. It was not long enough and it was gone much too soon…like everything in life. I am not going to get into that.

I continue to read my diary entries from yesteryears and I am so amazed at the transformations that I have gone through. Even though I am not finished yet (and I will be very sad when I do, these are just amazing and put a lot into perspective), I can see how far I have come. I can see how much my mind has changed. Today, I can say that for once, maybe since I was a child, I am very happy with my life. There are things that have not yet been achieved (moving out of state, living alone, paying off debt, etc.), but we are close to being debt free, and that will transition us into moving out in the coming months. Change is possible, and for me, things did get better. I realize that this is not the case for a lot of people. I remember asking: “How do you know that it gets better? You don’t know.”  And yes, we might not actually know that it gets better. Maybe that saying is for people whose lives DID get better, so they are allowed to tell others “It gets better,” but what they are really trying to say is, “It got better for me, so there is a possibility that it might get better for you.” I am one of the few lucky ones whose life really did get better. I count my blessings each and every single day. I am thankful for all of the positive changes and the stability that life has brought to me in the last year or so. Finally, finally, I can look back to these older diary entries and feel a sense of security, feel a sense of relief, that all of that pain, torture, and depression is so far away, that I am not able to see it in the rearview mirror. It’s like the giant mountain that slowly disappears out of view, so you shift your eyes and look forward, because there is nowhere else to look but ahead. I really am happy that this is how my life is turning out so far. Yes- there will be times of struggle and hardship; that is inevitable. But in the great scheme of life, there is nothing that I can complain about. Thank you life for all of the abundance. I am overjoyed. Positive changes are very possible, and for me, yes, it got better.

I am glad the week is over. It was busy and a little stressful at times, but we managed. I am also thankful that there is no more tension in my relationship. I had to cut J out completely because after stating that boundaries had to be respected, the message did not truly resonate, and so, I was left with no choice. This was the only choice; it was the right decision. This is something that I should have done a very long time ago. My naive spirit got the best of me, and I confess that I did not think that this would be a problem. Had there been hindsight, none of this would have happened. Just know that there was no harm intended on my part; no malicious or ill will plans. This was truly an honest mistake; which was accepted as being on our part, and it will provide a great and significant opportunity for self growth. It is better to learn about this now than to learn it later on in life. Yes, that is what life is all about, for some, learning lessons. But these lessons can only be learned through mistakes. The only downside is that my partner had to suffer and felt hurt by these mistakes. The positive side of this story is that this will never happen again, and that it is finally behind us both. Everything truly does happen for a reason, and if life dictated that J had to leave forever, then I accept what life has to teach me. It is important to always be open to change. It is important to embrace our errors, mistakes, mishaps, and to learn from them. It is pointless to beat ourselves up and focus on the feelings of dread that they might cause. What we need to do, and what we should have done a long time ago, is to take these mistakes and only focus on the positive, and on what each of these had to teach us. That way, they would not be committed again.

Not much going on this weekend. I am still struggling with the fact that my partner is not as active as I am. Everything else has finally fallen into place, and I truly feel that all of our hurdles are finally behind us. But at the end of the day, this is something that I cannot simply ignore. It bothers me, and I am trying to come around so that it does not bother me. Something can fix this, right? I do believe that there are solutions to these type of things. I am trying to find out how to exactly handle this situation…and the hope is that it can somehow be resolved. The best thing is to avoid conflict. However, at the end of the day, a part of me feels disappointed. Reading through these past entries, through the years, there is a common theme (among many), and that is to find something to have a connection with. The greatest irony of all, is that I have met men in the past that had very similar interests to mine, but there was never a true connection there. Perhaps with only two, but I drove them away. And still, the circumstances of life back then would not have allowed the relationship to work out. And now that I made an instant connection to someone, which has resulted into my first adult relationship, there are “problems” because he practically does not like to do anything. Only time will tell what is going to happen. I know that I would be devastated if things came to an end, but as my wise friend said to me recently, “Opposites attract, but do they stay together?”

It’s August. Today I enjoyed the scenery of the back country while going out to my visit, which was fruitless anyway because the client was not there. Although I did obtain some updates.
The more I am out in nature, the more I yearn and long to live in it. I wish I could own a house in the country; I would be the happiest person in the entire world. Will I ever be able to own a house?

The crickets are finally singing; took them long enough. It was a cold summer, and beach trips were minimal…which is sad, but I will try my best to make up for it during August and maybe the first few weeks of September. I hope.

Work is going well, but there are times when I want to strangle the project coordinator. That position is not needed and they ought to let this person go. They are useless and do not do their job; poisonous type of person. I just have to play along and pretend that I am on good terms with it all; a paycheck is easy there and to be honest, I do love the job. Maybe I will explore something similar in the future with the state, but something that pays more, obviously.

And speaking of finances, I was able to make another move against the wall of debt that will soon be shattered. Just a few more months and this will all be over once and for all. I cannot wait to eradicate it after all of these years…and to think that there are people who spend a lifetime paying these loans back. Well, not me. I have made this a priority sometime ago, not to reach the age of 30 and be with debt. Once that is over with, I am going to have to learn how to do severe budgeting because I will be looking to live out on my own. That is going to be an interesting transition, and I truly hope that it will be easy, because I cannot afford any type of instability in my life right now.

Relationship wise…it’s going. He says things like he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me, but I refrain from saying things like that back because, in my mind, I am not sure of what the outcome of things is going to be. But then again, does anyone ever truly know what is going to happen? Nobody does.

I am very upset because today, as soon as I get on the expressway, I missed an incredible opportunity to take picture and/or video of this amazing lighting that cut across the sky. I don’t think that I will be able to get over that moment. Yes, I am very happy that I was able to witness it, but at the same time, I am very sad because I was not able to capture it and share it with the world. A memory may last sometime, but a photo can last until the end of time. Think about that.

I remain optimistic about my life. I truly feel that, for once, things are going very smoothly overall. I try not to complain about everything and make the absolute best of each and every day. Work is picking up so that is keeping me very busy, which is great. My only complaint that I have at this time, is that summer was not as we planned it out to be. I think that life was making it a more low key summer since last summer we went out of our way to make the absolute best of it. And today, I was thinking that all of this was triggered by the passing of my friend. Her death was meaningful, and it taught me that I have to enjoy my life to the fullest extent. Yes, many people may see life as meaningless, but I truly disagree with every single one of them. It is pure happiness, not delusion, to find meaning in every single corner of our lives. I am happier this way. So today, I concluded that, although her death was tragic and set off the worst existential crisis of all time, it gave me a new reason to live. It made me enjoy life and take all of my blessings to heart, and not for granted. This was the lesson that her passing taught me; this was the meaning that her death brought upon me.

Vacations are coming soon, and I should be very glad to finally take some time to relax and enjoy the ocean. I will not be planning on going back on vacation until March. I have to work and make sure that I accumulate enough vacation hours for a week off in March, and I should still have some left over in case I want to go somewhere else. But again, it all depends on finances. I was able to obtain free plane tickets through my credit card. That will save a lot of money.

Until later.

Today was just a really busy day full of the usual bullshit. And honestly the project coordinator is a stupid bitch. She has no idea how to do anything and is a complete flop; a waste of space and time. It’s hard to believe that people like that were the sperm cells that beat the others. Which just makes me think that everything is random…but I still like  to find meaning in things. I guess.

Nothing from my brother nor do I expect to hear from him for a long time. He is away at honeymoon and his phone broke. That’s fine; I honestly don’t really want to hear from him for a long time after experiencing the wedding of hell.

The weather is cold, and summer is coming to an end soon. Sad. A short and lukewarm summer. It was not as exciting as people were saying it was going to be and to be honest we were so busy with work and dealing with awful weekend weather that not much was done. There are a few final things in August, and I am going to Vermont on Saturday, with or without people!

In any case, I am going to resume reading some of my entries tonight, but I have to take my time with it because part of me really does not want them to end, although I know they will.

I want it to be Friday already…I am looking forward to Vermont.

Today the nazi president continued its assault on the most vulnerable of the country. I am disgusted but not surprised anymore; nothing surprises me anymore. This country is filled with scum. Nothing but scum full of hate. Pray for those lost souls, may they find peace one day.

I really wish I could have a country home. Away from people and in the quiet of the woods.

But until later.

I decided to go out last night after all…and I got home around 3:30 in the morning. After four drinks and 2 shots (or many 3) the night was made. I think I would have regretted it if I didn’t go. And on a random side note, on Thursday I saw license plates from the following states:

Hawaii, California, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Texas, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia, Oklahoma, New Jersey, Maine, Arizona, and Maryland…
Just wanted to include that for the record. I thought it was interesting to see all of those in just one day. I’m sure not many people can say that…or can they?

The wedding drama is over and I could not be any happier. I hope that it is over for good. The even is in one week and I know that it is going to be a very long day, but I hope that it just goes by really fast.

I am returning to the office July 24th (out for training and flying out on Friday) and will have two small vacations in August.

The move that I made against my student loans did pay off, so I made another, even bigger move to try to get this done as soon as I can. I know that everything is finally starting to fall in place. I cannot be home any longer…I have to be out as soon as possible. I do worry, at times, about finding a decent place. And my mind starts to think about the things that could “go wrong”, like having problematic people around where I live or the noise level, etc. All of those things. But I know that I can’t really worry about it.

But anyway, everything else seems to be fine at the moment. I am glad that things are slowly starting to just get settled now. Here is hoping that they continue to be that way for a long time. Finally emerging out of a very long and draining storm. I have not had any time to continue reading my previous journal entries. I think that maybe I will try to make some time to do it tomorrow in the evening before starting another week. A week of routine.
Was not able to go the gym a lot this week, only about two times. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Yes, I think I will briefly go tomorrow to say that I went 3 times. And I also have to remember to meet my quota so that my insurance can pay for it every other 6 months.

Spending continues to be an issue, I just have no idea how money can add up so much in such short time. That’s another one of my worries for when I move out. I will practically have to spend nothing except for the bare necessities and then see if I have anything left over. That’s how it is though, isn’t it? So I might as well enjoy these last few months of “financial freedom” while I still can, because I know that when I do leave, things are going to be much harder.

Until later.

Worst summer ever. Have only been to the beach once. And I can’t go during the week because of being a slave to capitalism. So I can’t do the things that I truly want to do. The weather on the weekends is also complete shit. Not happy about any of this right now and in an extremely bad mood.

Work was draining, people are so needy and I regret to inform them that I cannot save their lives. Sorry. I can only do so much to help, but at the end of the day, like I have said many times, this is their problem after all. We can’t save the world. Too much burden. Too many problems, too much suffering. No system is perfect to sustain life perfectly. There will always be problems and suffering and nothing can be done to stop it in the long run. Maybe prevention, sure, but nothing can truly be done to prevent people from going into misery. Poor souls.

So easy to let emotions get the best of me, but when I think about the fact that I have one life to live, spending it doing things that I don’t want to do only to “attempt to survive” is complete bullshit. So of course I am going to be angry. Who wouldn’t? I haven’t even been able to go to Vermont. This time last year, I’d already gone on two trips and the beach several times. This year, I have only gone once. Shitty summer. It’s not even that hot and there has been so much rain and clouds. I am so sick of living in new england. To hell with this fucking place. I realize that I am being extremely negative right now, but I don’t care. I need to let it out before it turns into something else. I’m sick of being bored on the fucking weekends too. This can’t be an enjoyable life. It’s fucking bullshit. Fuck this.

I feel like a piece of shit. I think I’m just finding reasons to get myself sad…like focusing on the things I wish my bf had that he doesn’t. More of like the things I wish he did is more like it. I love him and care about him a great deal…he is the only guy who has ever stuck around. But here I am just thinking bad things, and wishing that he was somehow more like me when I know that it is never going to happen. So I either have to be okay with it or move on. These are real thoughts that are going through my head. Our relationship goes up and down. I know that no relationship, no matter how similar a person is to you, is easy. There will always be more ups and downs, but I wish that we had more ups rather than downs. I am doing my best to make things work and to make situations better; I am learning, being patient, trying to do my best to avoid situations. I think that I just don’t know how to be in a relationship. There are things I have done which are not appropriate….some I knew weren’t and some I know were. It’s a learning process. I am not sure why I miss hooking up so much if it never spiritually fulfilled me at the end of the day. The thrill of random sex was wild and exciting. A true rush. But I knew that these people never cared about me and my well being. My safety. My mind and heart. At the rate I was going, I am sure I would have gotten hurt. At times, I would embrace these men and pretend, just for a few seconds, that they were my boyfriend. I think I am fucked up beyond repair. It’s not to say that I have no self esteem or think negatively, but I just think that I am too weird, too strange for the world. But isn’t everyone this way?

He has said that maybe I should find someone more like me. Well, I was with someone who was more like me. He still had things that I didn’t like about him, and the reason it ended was because I was too negative. But even if I wasn’t, it would not have worked. He had different life plans and nothing was certain for me.

I just feel like…after meeting guys and going through a lot of drama, I finally find someone that takes me for ME, and here I am looking for the things that I don’t like about him or our relationship to make me unhappy. I hate myself for doing this. I’m a mental masochist and I just want it to stop. I really do.

Didn’t celebrate fourth of july because I don’t care about the country or the government. Are we supposed to celebrate a bunch of old white men with slaves who wanted to be “free” from the rule of others to do whatever they wanted? This country was built on the corpses of Natives and the hard labour of slaves. And now it’s ruled by corporation petty billionaires who only care about making more money at the expense of the middle and poor classes. So, no, fuck this country I am not celebrating anything. Anyone who isn’t awake yet is a total sheet. If they can’t see the reality of things for how it is, that will be their problem.

In other news, today turned out to be a good day after all. It wasn’t as dreadful as I thought it would be, which I guess is a nice surprise because I like to be proved wrong. Not that I should think negatively anyway, but it is always nice when the opposite of what we thought would happen ends up being the case.

Hope that the weather is good on Saturday because I need to go to the beach and relax. I continue to build more lean muscle each week that goes by, so that is making me feel good about myself. Tomorrow should be an easy day as well, this week turned out to be pretty great after all. I am not complaining. And the weekend looks promising so I am very excited. The only thing that I am dreading right now is just having enough money to pay off school. That day needs to hurry up and it needs to come fast because I cannot keep on waiting. I am so close to my goal so naturally, I am getting very impatient. I think that the gift to myself will either be a new laptop or a bottle of champagne. Whichever I am in the mood for! But probably the champagne to be honest. I am so tired of spending money on things that I do not need, which is the fallacy of many across the country. Buying things that they know they won’t be needing at all…for what? I’m not sure.

More later.

I smoked some weed and I feel fine. I went to see the waterfalls and was gone an hour and a half from work. What a privilege to be honest. This certainly doesn’t happen to anyone…I need to count my blessings. It’s essential.

After that, I went to have ice cream with my friend and then I went to the gym. The rain was coming down hard at one point…I was sitting in the chairs waiting for it to get better. There was a guy who was jacked and decided to take his shirt off and run to his car. Ugh. Amazing. I definitely feel that I miss being able to sleep with whoever I want. I have to remember that such life brings nothing but drama, deceit, and potentially doom. At the rate that I was going, something bad could have happened to me. That I know. But he came to rescue me at the right time. It’s amazing and funny how life works. But still. I think that the reason I binge watch porn sometimes is because I am living my whore life through the porn. I just don’t want to be always watching it. It’s gone down to twice a week now, which is not bad at all. I have to watch it. I really do. I don’t want anything to become a bad habit. It’s controlled now and I’m very glad.

Anyway. Another weekend of rain. But next weekend will be good, so I have to decide if I want to go to the beach or Vermont. Time will tell.

I’m glad another week is finally over. I finished all of my work and have nothing really outstanding. Fridays are usually my days to get everything done that I have during the week.

I really hope that my patience of paying off school pays off soon. I have been very patient…maybe for too long. But there is nothing more important to me than to pay off this debt and never have to worry about it again.

More later. I thought that tomorrow would be the last day of the month, but it is today. Tomorrow is July…and that is another month that has gone and brings us closer to Winter…the end of the year…and the eventual end. It’s bothersome. It really is. So I guess just cherish every single second. Although I will always believe, no matter what anyone tells me, that there has GOT to be something behind all of this existence and Universe. Beyond comprehension, but I believe that there is really something more than meets the eye.  I could complain about how boring my life is or count the blessings and accept them for who they are. I have a relatively very easy life, and for that I am forever grateful.

I really long for more in life. Truly. Trying to stay away from social media and talking a lot to other people. It just seems to me, seems that everyone is having much more fun. What happened to working full time? Do people just not have responsibilities? It’s interesting. Well maybe I am looking at the wrong people then, who aren’t there yet. Poor J was telling me the other day that he has not had a day off in more than two weeks. Deplorable. I should write to him to make sure he is okay.

June was boring. Nothing but rain and thunder. Few nice days here and there…but it was so hot, yes very hot. I should stop complaining though. It could be much worse. Much much worse.

Auntie was not going to the wedding because of marital problems (not my business), but I found out that yes, she will be going after all. It was stressing me out having to tell my boyfriend that it would only be my parents after all. That would have been so sad, nobody but your parents and your brother going to your wedding from your family. Well, stress averted. In less than a month all of this will finally be over. Yes.

Just wishing and longing for the day of moving out. Just need to make sure that everything is in order. I have come so far and have paved the way for this…it should have happened sooner, but I will take what I can get at this point.
Work continues to keep me busy, and the people continue to provide me with life experiences and new ways of seeing my life. Those poor souls, how they suffer. We live in an extremely unjust world. It’s very sickening; that’s why I don’t believe in a religious god. Although it’s very interesting that most of these people still believe in god and mention that their faith is what keeps them going. I am always amazed at this. But just because I don’t believe in something it does not mean that it is not real to someone else. I always make sure to respect others as long as no harm is being done by what they believe in. But that’s another story.

B has been needy ever since he broke up with his boyfriend, and sometimes he can just get too much…so I do my best to avoid him and not reply to his messages right away. But it’s interesting to note that he has been talking to me a lot more than usual now that he is single. Still, I just don’t want to see him right now. I did tell him that Friday I would be able to see him, but I honestly have to think about it. He can be very exhausting, and he has a tendency to flash his fortunes (new car, no school debt, moving away) to me. I am not sure if it is just to me, but still, it gets draining. And speaking of draining, I feel a headache coming.

I have a long day tomorrow…have to start the day at 8 o’clock and probably won’t be able to get back home until 5:30 in the evening. I don’t think I am going to the gym tomorrow, which is sad to me because I am trying to stay away from my house as much as I can. I love my parents but it just feels very awkward living here. Although today I was seriously wondering to myself how I am going to be able to live out on my own with all the bills that I am going to be paying. Well, people manage don’t they? Why can’t I? I am sure something will work out…I hope so. And being in a relationship is good too because in the end, one can have financial advantages once you are living with that person. No? It’s always interesting to think about. I just have to play it good and just make sure not to create any more tension. I can’t take it anymore. I am willing to sacrifice much for my mental health and stability.

I can’t write anymore I think I have to take my eyes off of the computer screen right now.

More later.