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I am back from my small trip to Cape Cod. I have to admit to myself that I seem to have this obsession to always want to be doing things. I don’t like that this urge overpowers me at times, and I do not feel that I am in control. This might just be another byproduct of my friend passing away. But enough about that…not sure why this topic always comes up.

The trip was really nice, it rained yesterday, on our last day, but it was still a fun time. There is beauty in making the best out of every situation. This is something that not everyone is going to be good at doing; it takes a lot of energy and discipline to achieve this. I guess that it brings me a lot of happiness because it is good to figure this out while one is young, rather than learn it the hard way during the later years of life.

Hopefully next week I can make a trip to the beach, and then, the following week, it will be my last vacation of the year. Don’t really want to think about what is going to happen after that. As it gets closer to the end of the year, it will also be closer to paying off school and then facing the reality of finding a place to move into. But this is going to be tackled when the time comes. No use of worrying about it at this point.

Going to stop here before the ramblings take over me.

I guess nobody has been reading these anymore in the past few weeks; but that is not the intent of these anyway. Who knows if they ever DID read them in the past.

It’s another week night and another day of wondering what direction my life is taking. I think that my relationship has taken a turn for the interesting “worse” if that’s even the right word I am using. He is a very good boyfriend, but I think that as a person, he does have a lot of things that he needs to work on. We all do, but I suspect that maybe he has some type of personality disorder. Then again, aren’t we all sick with weirdness? But in all seriousness, his type of personality is very different from mine. Is that something that I can deal with in the long run? I have learned a lot about myself, about life, and about relationships during the duration of this romance. Is it time to let go and find someone that is more suitable?
The most frustrating part is that basically, the last 6 or 8 years have been spent trying to connect with decent men, and nothing has been long term and successful. Yes, maybe it did not help that sex apps and websites were being used to meet these people, but it is sad to believe that not a single man has stuck around long enough for it to be called a genuine friendship. Forget relationships, not even a friendship has resulted from this. And then, the last year and a half was spent trying to also find someone interesting. Yes, I was looking in the wrong place, but even the men that were very similar to me in terms of hobbies, interests, and personality did not work out. Is that only because they wanted to have sex? Is it only because, after seeing that I wanted something deeper, it was not what they wanted? And yet, the person that I connected with instantly is very different from me. He does not see life 100% the same way as I do, and maybe nobody ever should see life 100% of the same way that someone else does. But still, it would be a lot easier if that percentage was that of a healthy amount.

I used to be very jaded, and maybe I still am on certain things. It’s easier to live in La La land and pretend that everything is going very well. And maybe things are going much better than they used to, but that perfection and idealism that everyone strives for is never going to come. Maybe going on vacation with him is going to be the last frontier; the last test to see if things will truly last. Some say that a year is a good trial period for any relationship. After the year goes by, the people involved start to ask themselves if this is something that they would be wanting to do for the long term. As of now, it kills me to say that there is a slight chance that this is not the relationship for me. It makes me angry to think about all of the men that I have met, all of the fiascos, drama, unpleasant moments, and nonsense that has been dealt with….and finally, along comes somebody that seems to understand and pick up on the qualities that I have identified as repelling many others in the past. So why is he still here? Why, after many times of saying otherwise, is he still staying? Maybe he suffers from what we all suffer from; thinking that this could be it, not wanting to be lonely…thinking that maybe there is nobody else out there for them. I admit that finding somebody with a good head on their shoulders is extremely difficult. Yes. Some say that it is the state that we are living in, but reports have revealed that others feel the same way out of state. So what else is there to seek? It is amazing to me that many men would act shocked at the revelation that I have a full time job and a car. But isn’t that a given? Isn’t that something that every sane, level person that has a vision for their life want? So many lost souls in this sea of darkness, and so much drug use taking place. It is very sad.

Anyway. There is a staff picnic tomorrow that is going to help me get my mind off of things. Today, a conference that got out early, so it was a nice break from the office. All I have is Friday and then the weekend. And the following week, I have to get through two days and then vacation.

But speaking of vacation, M has revealed some family tragedies and that it might disrupt the time that was planned. Prayers and thoughts to the family going through a difficult time. And when I say prayers, I do not mean religious prayers, but hopes of good will and fortune for a favorable outcome.

I saw SE yesterday; they say that there are about 3 weeks left before the end. But the caretakers think otherwise; much more time left. Still, it was a difficult visit. Not as difficult as initially predicted, but tough enough. It was hard to see a hospital bed in the room, and it was sad not to get a reaction after a “Hello” or the calling of a name. So this is how it all ends; devoid of reality, in a blissful sleep, awaiting the end. What else is there to do? I try my best not to think about these things, because they could trigger some thoughts that relate to the existential crisis of last year. That is not a good place to be in, and I do not want to go back to that place again. I worry immensely for future losses.

And today, there was some light depression in my head. A sense of not knowing what to do with my life. A sense of not knowing what to do and where to move to if my relationship ends. Make no mistake; I will be devastated if it does end, but life is much better if one seeks the meaning behind everything, as long as it is not causing madness.

I am a human, and like the rest of the world, I have no idea what I am doing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I accidentally typed 8/7/117 and well, it might as well be the year 2117 because I feel like we are in a time warp. It has already been a week of August and today flew by. Just sad to think about. Does time not go at the same speed every day?

On Saturday, I made new projections on the budget and everything will be done late October. So much for having this debt war taken care of by March of this year. Many delays and inconveniences along the way, but after finishing the projects, there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. At least that is what we tell ourselves.

Mostly tired. Tired of the daily routine, endless tasks to be done, and bulk of useless information that has to be remembered for work. My relationship and work take a lot of my time. It’s just too much. I barely have time for myself anymore. This past weekend, I played video games for the first time in a long while. I stayed in Friday night and will continue to do so in order to save money. Except for upcoming vacations, there is nothing truly exciting going on. Although I try my absolute best to make the best of each and every single day. I was finally able to lay down around 9:30 tonight after running non stop all day. Adult life is awful, why do children wish they would grow up? To do what they want? Well, you can’t just do whatever you want when you are an adult, unless you are rich. And that is a fairytale for the 1%.

What I want is a vacation for myself, alone, in the mountains. Maybe that is something that I will do next year. Go far away into the northeast kingdom of Vermont for a few days and just forget about the entire world. That sounds like a dream.

Today was another cool day of rain, and summer continued to dwindle down. Sad. At this time, I’m just going along with the flow of things and not really caring for the bigger picture. Only the small things are to be controlled, but the bigger picture, that’s just up to the Universe.

SE is not doing well. They say it’s just a matter of time now…weeks maybe. I have not been able to visit because of being so busy. But a part of me does not want to see the inevitable. I want to have happy memories, not the memory of being in the final stage. I promised VK that I will try to make arrangements to visit next Monday. I am leaving Tuesday night for Cape Cod and Monday would be my only free night. I will not go to the gym next week, there just won’t be time or days to do so.

Life goes on, somehow, despite everything.

Tomorrow marks a week since I went to Vermont. It was a truly magnificent experience; I haven’t been since June of last year. The way of life up there is much more different than it is here. Everything is slower…people seem to be nicer, happier, and relaxed. Of course, that is not the way that things are in this dump. People are miserable, pathetic, and disgusting. Sad. But I won’t let that ruin me. Going to Vermont is like going to a whole other world. I wish that it was eternal summer…I would pack everything and move up there. Yes, I would be willing to leave my life behind and start new. The only problem is that I could not survive the Winters there. I already struggle with our mild Winters. And speaking of seasons, summer is coming to an end soon and I am already feeling dreadful about it. It was not long enough and it was gone much too soon…like everything in life. I am not going to get into that.

I continue to read my diary entries from yesteryears and I am so amazed at the transformations that I have gone through. Even though I am not finished yet (and I will be very sad when I do, these are just amazing and put a lot into perspective), I can see how far I have come. I can see how much my mind has changed. Today, I can say that for once, maybe since I was a child, I am very happy with my life. There are things that have not yet been achieved (moving out of state, living alone, paying off debt, etc.), but we are close to being debt free, and that will transition us into moving out in the coming months. Change is possible, and for me, things did get better. I realize that this is not the case for a lot of people. I remember asking: “How do you know that it gets better? You don’t know.”  And yes, we might not actually know that it gets better. Maybe that saying is for people whose lives DID get better, so they are allowed to tell others “It gets better,” but what they are really trying to say is, “It got better for me, so there is a possibility that it might get better for you.” I am one of the few lucky ones whose life really did get better. I count my blessings each and every single day. I am thankful for all of the positive changes and the stability that life has brought to me in the last year or so. Finally, finally, I can look back to these older diary entries and feel a sense of security, feel a sense of relief, that all of that pain, torture, and depression is so far away, that I am not able to see it in the rearview mirror. It’s like the giant mountain that slowly disappears out of view, so you shift your eyes and look forward, because there is nowhere else to look but ahead. I really am happy that this is how my life is turning out so far. Yes- there will be times of struggle and hardship; that is inevitable. But in the great scheme of life, there is nothing that I can complain about. Thank you life for all of the abundance. I am overjoyed. Positive changes are very possible, and for me, yes, it got better.

I am glad the week is over. It was busy and a little stressful at times, but we managed. I am also thankful that there is no more tension in my relationship. I had to cut J out completely because after stating that boundaries had to be respected, the message did not truly resonate, and so, I was left with no choice. This was the only choice; it was the right decision. This is something that I should have done a very long time ago. My naive spirit got the best of me, and I confess that I did not think that this would be a problem. Had there been hindsight, none of this would have happened. Just know that there was no harm intended on my part; no malicious or ill will plans. This was truly an honest mistake; which was accepted as being on our part, and it will provide a great and significant opportunity for self growth. It is better to learn about this now than to learn it later on in life. Yes, that is what life is all about, for some, learning lessons. But these lessons can only be learned through mistakes. The only downside is that my partner had to suffer and felt hurt by these mistakes. The positive side of this story is that this will never happen again, and that it is finally behind us both. Everything truly does happen for a reason, and if life dictated that J had to leave forever, then I accept what life has to teach me. It is important to always be open to change. It is important to embrace our errors, mistakes, mishaps, and to learn from them. It is pointless to beat ourselves up and focus on the feelings of dread that they might cause. What we need to do, and what we should have done a long time ago, is to take these mistakes and only focus on the positive, and on what each of these had to teach us. That way, they would not be committed again.

Not much going on this weekend. I am still struggling with the fact that my partner is not as active as I am. Everything else has finally fallen into place, and I truly feel that all of our hurdles are finally behind us. But at the end of the day, this is something that I cannot simply ignore. It bothers me, and I am trying to come around so that it does not bother me. Something can fix this, right? I do believe that there are solutions to these type of things. I am trying to find out how to exactly handle this situation…and the hope is that it can somehow be resolved. The best thing is to avoid conflict. However, at the end of the day, a part of me feels disappointed. Reading through these past entries, through the years, there is a common theme (among many), and that is to find something to have a connection with. The greatest irony of all, is that I have met men in the past that had very similar interests to mine, but there was never a true connection there. Perhaps with only two, but I drove them away. And still, the circumstances of life back then would not have allowed the relationship to work out. And now that I made an instant connection to someone, which has resulted into my first adult relationship, there are “problems” because he practically does not like to do anything. Only time will tell what is going to happen. I know that I would be devastated if things came to an end, but as my wise friend said to me recently, “Opposites attract, but do they stay together?”

It’s August. Today I enjoyed the scenery of the back country while going out to my visit, which was fruitless anyway because the client was not there. Although I did obtain some updates.
The more I am out in nature, the more I yearn and long to live in it. I wish I could own a house in the country; I would be the happiest person in the entire world. Will I ever be able to own a house?

The crickets are finally singing; took them long enough. It was a cold summer, and beach trips were minimal…which is sad, but I will try my best to make up for it during August and maybe the first few weeks of September. I hope.

Work is going well, but there are times when I want to strangle the project coordinator. That position is not needed and they ought to let this person go. They are useless and do not do their job; poisonous type of person. I just have to play along and pretend that I am on good terms with it all; a paycheck is easy there and to be honest, I do love the job. Maybe I will explore something similar in the future with the state, but something that pays more, obviously.

And speaking of finances, I was able to make another move against the wall of debt that will soon be shattered. Just a few more months and this will all be over once and for all. I cannot wait to eradicate it after all of these years…and to think that there are people who spend a lifetime paying these loans back. Well, not me. I have made this a priority sometime ago, not to reach the age of 30 and be with debt. Once that is over with, I am going to have to learn how to do severe budgeting because I will be looking to live out on my own. That is going to be an interesting transition, and I truly hope that it will be easy, because I cannot afford any type of instability in my life right now.

Relationship wise…it’s going. He says things like he can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me, but I refrain from saying things like that back because, in my mind, I am not sure of what the outcome of things is going to be. But then again, does anyone ever truly know what is going to happen? Nobody does.

I am very upset because today, as soon as I get on the expressway, I missed an incredible opportunity to take picture and/or video of this amazing lighting that cut across the sky. I don’t think that I will be able to get over that moment. Yes, I am very happy that I was able to witness it, but at the same time, I am very sad because I was not able to capture it and share it with the world. A memory may last sometime, but a photo can last until the end of time. Think about that.

I remain optimistic about my life. I truly feel that, for once, things are going very smoothly overall. I try not to complain about everything and make the absolute best of each and every day. Work is picking up so that is keeping me very busy, which is great. My only complaint that I have at this time, is that summer was not as we planned it out to be. I think that life was making it a more low key summer since last summer we went out of our way to make the absolute best of it. And today, I was thinking that all of this was triggered by the passing of my friend. Her death was meaningful, and it taught me that I have to enjoy my life to the fullest extent. Yes, many people may see life as meaningless, but I truly disagree with every single one of them. It is pure happiness, not delusion, to find meaning in every single corner of our lives. I am happier this way. So today, I concluded that, although her death was tragic and set off the worst existential crisis of all time, it gave me a new reason to live. It made me enjoy life and take all of my blessings to heart, and not for granted. This was the lesson that her passing taught me; this was the meaning that her death brought upon me.

Vacations are coming soon, and I should be very glad to finally take some time to relax and enjoy the ocean. I will not be planning on going back on vacation until March. I have to work and make sure that I accumulate enough vacation hours for a week off in March, and I should still have some left over in case I want to go somewhere else. But again, it all depends on finances. I was able to obtain free plane tickets through my credit card. That will save a lot of money.

Until later.

Today was just a really busy day full of the usual bullshit. And honestly the project coordinator is a stupid bitch. She has no idea how to do anything and is a complete flop; a waste of space and time. It’s hard to believe that people like that were the sperm cells that beat the others. Which just makes me think that everything is random…but I still like  to find meaning in things. I guess.

Nothing from my brother nor do I expect to hear from him for a long time. He is away at honeymoon and his phone broke. That’s fine; I honestly don’t really want to hear from him for a long time after experiencing the wedding of hell.

The weather is cold, and summer is coming to an end soon. Sad. A short and lukewarm summer. It was not as exciting as people were saying it was going to be and to be honest we were so busy with work and dealing with awful weekend weather that not much was done. There are a few final things in August, and I am going to Vermont on Saturday, with or without people!

In any case, I am going to resume reading some of my entries tonight, but I have to take my time with it because part of me really does not want them to end, although I know they will.

I want it to be Friday already…I am looking forward to Vermont.

Today the nazi president continued its assault on the most vulnerable of the country. I am disgusted but not surprised anymore; nothing surprises me anymore. This country is filled with scum. Nothing but scum full of hate. Pray for those lost souls, may they find peace one day.

I really wish I could have a country home. Away from people and in the quiet of the woods.

But until later.

I am back after experiencing the horrors of the midwest. A desolate land this state of Wisconsin is. You could not pay my entire plane ticket and stay to go back, you simply can’t. No force on heaven or hell could get me back to that god forsaken land of flat misery.

The wedding was a disaster. The bride, ugly, of course. The guests were mostly simple ignorant white trash people from the midwest; no sense of fashion or style. The deplorables; whom I am sure voted for the tyrant in the white house. The food was cheap mexican and our table barely touched it. We managed to sneak in some chicken tenders and french fries. There was only one table of family for my brother, and the rest were the bride of hell’s family and friends. This was the most deplorable experience I have ever had in a while. Lots of judgmental stares from people to my boyfriend and I. Sick.
And the bride’s brother was a complete nazi, blonde hair and blue eyes included. What a sick, sad, psychopathic man. Never again in my life will I have contact with him. Never again in my life will I go to the midwest, unless it is Chicago of course. I regret to tell my brother that (god forbid) if he has any children and moves there, you can tell them that they have no uncle!

My mother was treated with the utmost disrespect by the bridezilla (which by the way, had a terrible case of acne in her back. Disgusting), and some of her family members as well. We predict that we will lose my brother to the basket of deplorables from the midwest. Maybe this is some cruel karma that is happening, but maybe it is just misfortune. Either way, I have no plans to be a part of their life. Nothing can make me be a part of their nasty marriage. None! This all may sound judgmental, but they have not been angels to us either. I am disgusted that this ugly cow face has my last name. It is a disgrace, and my brother has brought irreparable shame to the family name forever. In my life did I think that I would be going to Wisconsin to celebrate this rotten marriage. Well, some may say that I am not allowed to be judgmental because of my sexuality, but let’s all be clear on one thing: being gay is natural, it is not a choice. Marrying an ugly deplorable racist from the midwest who does not know what Chanel is and has a nose in the shape of a potato IS most definitely a choice.

We were told by one of my brother’s close friends (who was there from the beginning of their relationship up to now) that she has a questionable past of hate and racism. I was shocked to hear this. Well, no matter. You get what you pay for, as they say! Karma will one day come, sooner or later, in the form that life decides.

As for my relationship and I, a lot was suffered during this entire ordeal. We are so happy that this is all over, but it has left long lasting effects on us. We are trying our best to move past all of this. Last week was the most draining week of my entire life, and I am so happy it is over. But an omen; a feeling of despair lingers in the air. I have a very dark and bad feeling about this. The dark clouds gather once more. I am not sure what is going to happen, but I am willing to complete cut off contact with my brother. This will not teach him a lesson, because he is going to choose her and her family over us. But, at the end of the day, life will have its say and will find a way to rectify the wrong. To purify the tainted. But time will only tell if this is going to occur. Until then, all we can do is continue to plant seeds of success and take advantage of any situation that may present itself to us. This is a very painful journey, a journey of incredible injustice. There is no god in the sky to correct the wrong, but there is the energy of the Universe that will cycle itself through the evil and wrong. A cycle that could take many years to complete itself, but will occur nevertheless.

Still, I find myself in a nightmare that I don’t think there is waking up from. I only pray for the best outcome that could possibly happen. I think that at this point, I am going to completely isolate myself from my brother and that sick beast he just married. If there was ever a time when I understood how marriages can ruin families, this is the time indeed. I will say that both sides are at fault, but at the end of the day, it is still all a great injustice. A sick injustice that I only pray can see itself to a resolution that is favorable. Still, I am not optimistic. I fear that things may only get worse from this point on. I pray that I am wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I decided to go out last night after all…and I got home around 3:30 in the morning. After four drinks and 2 shots (or many 3) the night was made. I think I would have regretted it if I didn’t go. And on a random side note, on Thursday I saw license plates from the following states:

Hawaii, California, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Texas, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia, Oklahoma, New Jersey, Maine, Arizona, and Maryland…
Just wanted to include that for the record. I thought it was interesting to see all of those in just one day. I’m sure not many people can say that…or can they?

The wedding drama is over and I could not be any happier. I hope that it is over for good. The even is in one week and I know that it is going to be a very long day, but I hope that it just goes by really fast.

I am returning to the office July 24th (out for training and flying out on Friday) and will have two small vacations in August.

The move that I made against my student loans did pay off, so I made another, even bigger move to try to get this done as soon as I can. I know that everything is finally starting to fall in place. I cannot be home any longer…I have to be out as soon as possible. I do worry, at times, about finding a decent place. And my mind starts to think about the things that could “go wrong”, like having problematic people around where I live or the noise level, etc. All of those things. But I know that I can’t really worry about it.

But anyway, everything else seems to be fine at the moment. I am glad that things are slowly starting to just get settled now. Here is hoping that they continue to be that way for a long time. Finally emerging out of a very long and draining storm. I have not had any time to continue reading my previous journal entries. I think that maybe I will try to make some time to do it tomorrow in the evening before starting another week. A week of routine.
Was not able to go the gym a lot this week, only about two times. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Yes, I think I will briefly go tomorrow to say that I went 3 times. And I also have to remember to meet my quota so that my insurance can pay for it every other 6 months.

Spending continues to be an issue, I just have no idea how money can add up so much in such short time. That’s another one of my worries for when I move out. I will practically have to spend nothing except for the bare necessities and then see if I have anything left over. That’s how it is though, isn’t it? So I might as well enjoy these last few months of “financial freedom” while I still can, because I know that when I do leave, things are going to be much harder.

Until later.

What can I even say about today? How can I even try to put into words the torrent of fuckery that ensued on this humid summer day?

I found out that my boyfriend would not be allowed to sit with me for dinner during the reception at my brother’s wedding. And what for? We were told in the beginning by him that it would not be a problem, and that we would be sitting together the entire time. I wrote a thoughtful and honest message to him stating my grievances, but reminding him that I loved him and supported what made him happy no matter what. And can you believe that he responded saying he “understood” my concerns but that it was tradition not to have dates at the wedding party table? So I asked people who were married if this was the case, and they said that it was not! This is all another work of art perpetrated by his fiancé. Yes. R confirmed this for me after I told her what was happening. She knows little of the situation itself but was quick to give me that conclusion. And my boyfriend agreed too. Tomorrow I speak with E and will tell her…will not be surprised if she agrees and says the same thing! But leave it to the jesus freaks to be judgmental. She does not want a gay couple to be seen in photos of her special day. Well fuck her special day, and fuck that wedding. I spent an ungodly sum in traveling expenses when it could have been used to moving out. But it all went down the train to appease their selfishness. She can expect zero contact from me after this entire travesty is over with. To think that I was certain she had extended an olive branch by sending thank you cards for wedding gift and liking some of my photographs. I am such an imbecile for planning to extend it back and make peace with her. Well this was the last straw for me. I recognize that I am at guilt for not making an effort to get to know her and giving her a very cold shoulder, but one would think that since she is such a “sweet” catholic girl, that she would be the better person. Well let me laugh at anyone who thinks that. Fake. All fake it seems. Sad. The entire day was spent in conversation with my brother and my boyfriend about this subject and I nearly had a panic attack. I had no choice and went outside to walk and breathe fresh air. The conversation is still going on as I write this!

On top of that, I was ready to strangle my client today for her deplorable behavior. It is not my fault they are experiencing poverty. Do not dare to come at me and tell me how easy it is to get a paycheck when all I am doing is trying to help. Some poor people can be very bitter. None of this is my fault! I did not choose to have kids and be with a loser! I went to school, took out loans on my name, and traversed through hell to obtain my degree, which by the way, is not making me rich. So what is her grievance about? I will continue to be nothing but direct with her because I have to present myself as a person that plays no games. And I don’t!
It has been so busy that I barely had time for anything. I actually worked nearly 8 hours today; the thought of that! I could have had a heart attack from all the nonsense that happened. But the gym and eating helped. Much. I cannot smoke because it is affecting intimacy and I don’t want none of that. I do feel bad for lying about it, but at least it is not a major lie or infidelity. I would never in my life resort to that. Disloyalty! Never. But the stress is also partly to blame for this. I just can’t focus and have no energy to perform. I rather sleep.

I cannot wait for this week to be over…I cannot wait for next week to also be over. Once the wedding is done, I can focus on the real issues at hand. Tomorrow I find out how the sudden move I made yesterday results in. I just feel suspended in the air, floating by and not having any clear idea of what is going to happen. I had the urge to rage today, to scream and scream to let out all of the anger, but it just did not come out. It was channeled in a different way. Maybe this is just for the best as of now.

 

Today I ordered the first massive offensive against the debt that needs to be destroyed. It was a final minute decision, but once I saw the situation at its present form, I decided that there is no turning back at this point. This has been delayed since March; a monstrous delay in my opinion. So in a few days I will find out how much the total is applied to the actual amount due and I will base immediate decisions after that. There is no turning back from this.

The beach retreat to Cape Cod had to be moved to the middle to the end of the week, third week of August. Then another retreat to the coast of New Jersey the last week of August going into September. This will be a good time to rethink things and re-organize.
Next week I fly out to the midwest for the wedding, and I shall be glad when this is all over. It has been draining and stressful. The event has been plagued by guest cancelations but I say that this is the consequence of having an event in such short notice (less than 8 months) and having it in the middle of nowhere. I spent a fortune on travel expenses only to be there for a day! But at the same time, I know that both sides of this are being selfish. But I am happy at the end of the day for my brother, that is what he wants.

The world continues to spiral out of control, so I have decided to surround myself in a cloud of marijuana until further notice, but of course, this has to be done in moderation. I do not want things to be very obvious.

Work continues to be work, and nothing else. Drama here and there, but as long as I stay away from it, I will be unscathed.
This week is very busy with extra curricular non work related events; birthday event on Thursday at the theater and a birthday party at the lounge on Friday night. Well. These things don’t happen often so of course we are obliged to attend. And it will be a good distraction anyway.

Herr Doctor has contacted me for help with computer software. But it is I who will have to look up tutorials before I help. He has offered to pay me, to which I said “What nonsense!” but there was no convincing him otherwise. I have been thinking of how much I will miss him when he eventually departs…he is of age. It will break my heart. He has been a soul that I have been connected with for a very long time. A unique soul that understands me…and those are rare to find in this god forsake country, this god forsaken world.

Is there ever any salvation from it all?