Today, tonight, is a day that I’ve been looking forward to, for four and half years. Tonight, November 21st, 2017, as of 6:15pm, Eastern Standard Time, the war is over. I am debt free from the iron claws of the Department of Education. The unbelievable sacrifices that have been made to achieve this personal goal tonight, are unheard of. I have done so many things since this financial conflict started to get by. Retailing, dull research projects, cleaning after people, taking care of the mentally ill, enduring the torturous stress of unbearable superiors, and enduring a thousand storms of personal depression. Tonight, the ghosts in the corridors of yesteryears have vanished. No more wasting of our income to satisfy the interest rates of a system that steals from the unsuspecting, the ignorant, the uneducated on financial matters. The College system and Department of Education of this country are nothing more than profit making thieves. They are liars, bandits, frauds, embarrassments, manipulators, gangsters, corrupted thieves.

There were many nights, many late nights, that my mind took advantage of me to create misery and grief. There were many nights that I wondered how I would make it through, moments when I proclaimed that the only way out of this aberration was to die. Tonight, I have proved the naysayers wrong. Tonight, I have proved the loser deep inside of me wrong. Tonight, I have proved myself wrong. There is nothing stronger than determination, hope, and an infinite quantum of patience. Gone are the days of wondering if I would be that elderly man, being haunted by debt callers, having my income deducted to pay for loans, worrying about being incarcerated or hunted like a wild animal.

Tonight is a victory for the many people that have woken up, and decided to reject the system which teaches society that in order to succeed in life, one must go to a traditional school and become indebted. Tonight is a victory that I dedicate to millions around the country and perhaps the globe, whom are still struggling to find a way to pay back monstrous loan amounts to the institutions that promised them a sanctuary but delivered them into the ninth circle of hell. I may not know your circumstances, I may not know your personal stories, but I can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All you have to do is believe and have patience. There is a way out of every situation, as long as you believe in your heart that you can find a way to get out. Never give up the fight. Never give up the struggle. Never give up on trying to find a way to tell the corrupt system that you will not falter, and that you will fight back with every single cell in your body to obtain this freedom.

Gone are the days where people believed that studying hard, obtaining good grades, and continuing education for 4 or 8 more years will bring you success. This system is crumbling, people are waking up. The debt ceiling will have no limit, as it will continue to pile up with the debts of millions that are unable to pay back. People are abandoning the old ideas of going to school to become indebted with degrees that will not lead to success. It is time to think outside of the box. It is time to put everything you know behind, and listen to the minds of those who know the truth and see it for what it is. The society that we are living in is a fraud. It is a lie; everything you have been told is deceit. The powers that be are keeping people below their means in order to succeed.

Today’s historic occurrence would not have been possible without the support of my family. It would not have been possible for me to continue moving forward without their unconditional love. Perhaps this may not be the case for many others, but the tools to help you are out there; believe me. Believe in yourself. Believe that there is a way out of this situation and utilize as many resources as possible. Dig deeper; do not follow traditional paths, for they will only lead you into the edge of the abyss.

I may not know what the future holds, and perhaps nobody does know what is going to happen. But the one thing that I know, which is clear, is that I have eradicated this debt by myself. This is one of my greatest personal achievements of all time, and I will remember this day for as long as I live. The inspiration and relief that I feel at this moment cannot be replaced or matched by anything else. There is no greater satisfaction than to know that I will no longer be exploited by those who are meant to help me. So wake up, find strength, even in the smallest of things, fight your fight, pave your future, and end your war.

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Today I authorized the final payment on the student loans. And to celebrate the beginning of a new era, I slipped under the cover of darkness, to a private meeting. This is the type of meeting that I have been needing for years. I may even declare that it has been needed for more than a decade. All of my questions will be answered, and I will learn about myself in the process. The group of individuals in charge of this organization know that there are traps set by society to ensure that millions are enslaved to debt. The hope is that everything will be revealed.
When I recall the days of going to college, I was never sure on what to do. I considered leaving multiple times, and changed my plan of study constantly because nothing satisfied me. When I graduated, the age of uncertainty began. This was a continuation of the failure that society continues to propagate on its people. Nobody told me what to do next. All the advisors said was that people who graduated from high school, and went to college would be sure to find jobs. These basic statements did not serve as guidance. What schools need is people that are going to teach students other aspects of life. Mortgages, rent, loan repayment, job searching, allocation of assets, and many other essential pieces of life that are not taught to anyone during school.
Some may say that perhaps it is the parents that are supposed to be of assistance. This may be, but it is not always happening in all of these cases. My parents were of no use, not because they didn’t want to be, but perhaps because they never thought about teaching me the basic essentials of the post graduate life. And yet, perhaps, we were only victims of living in a completely different country from where we came from. For things are done differently here, and no job will fall from the skies that easily. Come to think of it, one of my first post graduate jobs came from the sky! The irony.
Given my past, and current situation, I do not think that going to graduate school is the answer. The evidence is clear; when people ask me what I am going to be doing with my graduate degree, I have no clear answer. I may say that it would be desirable to work in a hospital setting, or for a corporation to ensure that they are following through with their social responsibilities. However, it would send me back into debt, and I don’t speak of these occupations with high regard or with passion. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life listening to grief and being under paid?
For many years, we have always believed that we are meant for something greater. I am not falling for the trap that logotherapy explains in regards to individual humans having a feeling that they must be special. Quite the contrary! It’s not that I believe, it’s that I KNOW that I am meant for something much greater than what I am doing now. There are big things in life that are waiting for me. The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place, slowly, but time is of the essence. Things have to be done quickly. Imagine; going back to school for 3 years is going to cause all types of delays. But the most important delay, is that of finances. I have not fought this financial war for years, sacrificing independence, only to fall back into another conflict. It is something that cannot occur. There must be a way, there has to be a way to be successful without going back to graduate school. With the way that this country is being run (which is another topic for a different time), there are no guarantees. There are only guarantees for the rich. Going back to school during these perilous times is not opportune. When the government is actively waging a war against the middle and poor classes, putting oneself in debt would not be wise.
So for now, there are many other options that are waiting to be explored. These options are going to be discovered. Today, I did what I had to do; sold myself in order to be a part of something that is only going to be of extreme importance. This opportunity is not something that happens frequently, therefore, I plan to utilize it to the best of my ability and to take advantage of every single step of the way. There are no excuses; hard work will pay off.

For now, we await the final processing of this payment to be effective. None of this will be missed; these vampires will not be taking any more of my money in interests. Let this end once and for all.

On Monday, I will meet with a mentoring group that will advice me about life. I know that the prospect of going back to school was exciting, but part of me is still very unsure. Perhaps it is better to wait a year? It is a difficult choice to make, and it is unknown if the benefits will be worth the sacrifices. Nothing is known about this mentoring group, so I have no idea what I am walking into. The only thing that can be done about this, is to just hope for the best and believe in the idea that it is going to be helpful and perhaps even mind changing. Only time will tell. There are pressures to be felt because of the age we are in…nothing is going to come easy. I am willing to put in the work and effort if there are benefits and rewards to be obtained from this.

The overcast cloudy skies continue with little sunshine. And when there is sunshine, it disappears much too soon. There is nothing left to be done but to enjoy all of the moments that we have.

Will report back on this meeting sometime next week. Everything else is still the same.

I’m going to Seattle in April of next year. I’m going back to school in the Fall of next year. One more payment and college loans will be finished. Planning to move in with my boyfriend next year, while planning a vacation with him to a favorite get away. I am happy. Happy. It’s amazing how much a difference a few days can make between the lines of wanting to die with depression, to feeling happy and wanting to live so fully that the air from my lungs escape me and leave me breathless.

I love life. I think I have always loved life, secretly, even during the darkest hours. This is a blessing, a rarity, a miracle that will not happen again, to my knowledge. Without asking questions, without asking “Why?”, I am going to feel blessed. Because I am blessed. I have come a long way since the dark, miserable winters from the early beginnings of the second decade of the 2000s’. Here I am. Here I stand, here I rise, here I go. And I’m doing just fine. Everything is going to be ok. Good things are going to happen. And if the journey ends, abruptly, as it has been known to do at times, I want to be able to have no regrets and say that at least I did what I wanted to do. Tell me, how about you?

One more payment left on my loans and that will be the end of it. However, now, I have been thinking about going back to school because that is the only way to make more money. There are so many factors that would play into this…and it wouldn’t be a good idea to become more stress with multiple transitions. Moving out, going back to school, projects, paper, homework, internships, working full time…and everything else in between outside of those two. It’s a lot to think about, and time is only dwindling down. No idea what is going to happen. Going to an open house on Monday night so I hope to get some answers.

The cold has arrived, but not as it usually does. It continues to  change week by week, and it adds to the nuisance of things. But, there is no reason to be negative or depressed about anything. I have a very good life, and it is only going to get better, god willing.

A breakthrough occurred in my relationship, and while the details will be left out, it is a very acceptable and positive breakthrough. Time will only tell if thing are going to remain the same, have to be optimistic.

Thinking about travels next year…and also about moving out. There is fear, there is anxiety and doubts, but there is no other way to confront the issue than to just simply jump in. Otherwise, we will never know. And these sort of things just have to be done until everything else falls into place.

Work has been horrendously slow, and supposedly it will pick up again soon. However, again, time will be the judge of that. Other than that, there is nothing else going on that is worthy of mentioning or reflecting about.

The journey continues, somehow.

I don’t want to be a part of this world anymore…this unfixable life that is out of control. The last week and a half has not been good for me. I have some anxiety and just feel so drained by everything; work, family, friends, relationship…unsure of how much I can handle. All I want to do is just take xanax and sleep. Is this a wave of lows?
Found out that parents are going away for 13 days. First thing I am going to do on Sunday is get high and binge watch porn. I can’t wait to just be alone for a while. It is going to be great. Not to say that it is torture when parents are home, but honestly I just want to be alone.
I got depressed tonight because I was looking over at finances, and while it is not a horrible outlook, the reality has finally set in that I don’t make enough money. And before anyone tells me that everyone, no matter how much they make, feels that way, let me just reiterate: I do not make enough money.
There has to be a solution, a way out of this. Part of me is glad that certain things have been settled and some priorities have been straightened out. Then there is another part that just is not sure about anything; a part that just feels very insecure and afraid of having to deal with judgement from people who may think that I am not where I “need” to be in life. Well, that would be up to me, and not anyone else to decide. Either way, the pressure is still there, even if no one says anything. Who is to say that they are not thinking about it?

My relationship is just draining me. Recently, a part of me has begun to ask if I have certain Autistic attributes…and that may be so, but there is really no way to find out. Just not sure what the evaluation process would be like, and not sure how much it would cost. But why suffer through all of this bullshit just to die in the end? Nothing makes sense. Although, during times like these, the fear of death goes away.

 

Today is the Friday the 13th. My friend and I attempted to go on a quick walk on a trail but ended up in a concrete trail by a small stream instead. It wasn’t until it got dark that we realized that we were in the wrong place. Well, we decided to turn around and were startled by the cries of a pack of coyotes nearby. It was horrifying. All of this while being high. Well, I am glad that survived that ordeal. We will have to perhaps try again during the day because we forgot how quickly it gets dark now. By 7 pm there was no sun. It was very depressing and a sure sign that Winter is on its way.

But in any case, I wanted to rant a bit. We are doing an “Escape room” staff appreciation day at me job. Basically, you pay someone money to put you in a situation in which you have to find clues with your team and escape the room (or rooms? multiple rooms? Fuck) that you are trapped in. The first team to escape all rooms wins, apparently. So anyway, why would someone want to do that? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of. Why are people so competitive? What exactly are you winning? A sponsorship? No? Oh, okay. I thought that you were, since you are making such a big deal out of winning something. There are people that take everything so seriously, bowling, mini golf…and throwing money away in the process. That’s the only thing you are doing; throwing money away to tell people “Look at me I won I’m the best!” but the best at what? Are you getting a sponsorship? No? Oh, okay. I thought you were. I’ll tell you, growing up with guys and having them as friends sucked. Straight guys. The worst. Why? Well because they always wanted to do the dumbest shit. They are no different than the people who want to do things and win. They wanna have a birthday party at the laser tag, so they tell their parents. And now the parents are like: “Oh shit. We gotta talk to someone to reserve space and tell them that we are going to have a birthday party there. Oh shit, we actually have to talk to someone on the phone for that? And then we have to send out invitations? And coordinate with parents to have their kids at the house, or car pool, or just meet them there? And then we have to buy food? A pizza? And then we have to all drive back to the house for a cake? And then we have to have the kids sleep over and go to the pool next day?” Fuck that shit. Why go through all of this trouble just to celebrate a second someone’s birth? Like fuck, it’s like an entire 2 days, almost 3, to celebrate a second of your time.

Girls just have a slumber party and talk about boys and other shit and get it over with. They just chill. They don’t have to go the laser tag, or bowling alley, and have an after party and a sleep over and THEN a fucking pool day just to celebrate a birthday. I mean, have you ever seen another girl at a boy’s birthday party? No? I haven’t either, unless they are the fucking hot cousin that all the guys lust for and try to make friends with. Shit.

I feel dejected and empty inside. I don’t think my life is ideal. It feels like it’s all wrong and I am so dissatisfied with everything. My job doesn’t seem right; doesn’t pay enough and it’s tiring to deal with the problems of others, as well as managers. My relationship doesn’t seem right; he doesn’t like all of the things that I like and it feels like he makes no effort to compromise. My family life is wrong; I don’t have a relationship with my brother and it’s damaged with my parents because they have shown no interest in my relationship which has hurt it. My friend life is wrong; feeling lonelier as the weeks go by and I barely talk or see anyone. My home life is wrong; I have to move out because it is intolerable and awkward to live with my parents.

I don’t know what to do anymore. Have to take a break from smoking weed because that isn’t helping. And it’s hard with all of these things going on because it makes me want to take xanax, and this past week I took it twice. It has been a long time since that happened…can’t remember the last time xanax was taken. Everything just seems like a low key nightmare right now. Not sure if it’s because the focus is on all of the negative things, probably. After all of these years. Why can’t my brain stop doing this to me? And the racing inner thoughts and monologues…the worst part. I had to come here tonight to write about everything because there is no other outlet for this to be let out in. Been thinking about going back to therapy but money is always an issue…well, not entirely an issue but it’s still hard when saving up is the main goal. And to be honest, it will be predictable…all therapists care about is client retention because that’s more money for them.

There is no need to hear “it’s all up to you to change all of this,” because I don’t want to hear it. This is something that I already know. It’s difficult right now, especially with the financial situation. Next year, maybe after summer, I have to really try to look for something pays more. It is going to be hard work…but life is just going by so fast. Everything is so surreal, and it is really hard not to ask existential questions. We’re all just a ghost in a shell. Nothing makes sense anymore and it doesn’t seem like it ever did. Today, I uttered out loud; I hate everything. I feel depressed.

This damn war. This damned situation that was forced upon us and came against our will. It should have been over many months ago, but countless delays kept pushing it back. And now it will have to wait another month and a half. There is no way of going around this but to end it as soon as possible and recover financially before finally leaving this house once and for all. And when I do, I am going to distance myself from it for a long time. To prove that I can, and that I should have done it a very long time ago.

And now the holidays are ruined because there are guests coming and I cannot hide or act different around the one that I love. I will not. So there will be another new year’s eve that will not be spent with my family; and it’s so. This situation has been brought on by their own actions and they have made their bed. Time to lay in it, and it’s clear that one day, when it will be too late, they will be regretting it terribly. I have a sense of dread…a sense that now I have to succeed, more than ever, to prove myself. I have been considering the unthinkable; try a job at the department of children and families. The very job that killed her and brought on the most disturbing crisis I have ever had in my entire life. But the true details of what brought on her death, that I cannot speculate on because I will never know. She never told me. Am I to truly believe that this was the real reason for her passing? That the stress became unfathomable and unmanageable? The real answers will never be known; for there were only clues left behind. But still, that is the only way to make more money with the degree that I have. I am close to 30, and I have to start to think about being serious about career. I love what I do, but it cannot be done forever because it is not a bountiful source of income, even if I move in with my significant other.

I just don’t know what decisions to make. I don’t want to end like her, don’t like to talk about it.

Things are at a stand still. The momentum has dissipated and now, we are left with a month and a half of waiting before we are finally debt free. Yes, it seems that this is all that I talk about. I am also sick of the same topic, over and over.
The natural disasters continue to happen around the world, and many are saying that it is the end of times. Yet, when these things happen, every year, people say that it is the end of the world. But we are here still. Not going to indulge in the hype of everything.
My parents said I should pray; well to that I say: “Someone should pray for me!” No, no, that is not a fair statement to make. My life is good; free of the many worries that others face. I love my job, and am content with life at home. The only aspect that is amiss is of course, money and traveling. But perhaps that can be resolved in the future.

There have been some thoughts of dullness and dread here and there, as the same weekly routine takes place…and it is best to be honest and confess that I am growing extremely weary of it. I come home, at times, close to midnight, after seeing my partner, and deposit myself in a chair, and guzzle down cottage cheese. The routine is supposed to serve as some sort of distraction or consistent consolation price while I wait for the months to roll by and finish off this debt. And after that…to recover financially and then begin the process of moving out. But, although that is so close, it feels very far away. It feels that it just keeps on getting pushed back, and back, and back. It can be described as someone trying to climb out of a cave, and miscalculating how close they are to the light, even though they are able to see that light in the distance.

It is now officially Fall. Although the temperature has not started to drastically drop, it is officially the end of Summer. And with that, my heart is heavy with sadness. It was a lackluster Summer, nothing comparable to the glorious days of last year’s. And maybe this is just how life wanted it to be this time around; but it is still disappointing. A deep sense of nostalgia comes over me, as the awareness of this notion makes me long for those days, once more. But they are long gone, and there is no option but to move forward. Maybe, perhaps, there can be a way to redeem the situation, and to make better memories. It is ironic that the last vacation of the Summer was ruined by rain; a perfect and symbolic event that describes this year’s season. God knows what awaits us now. ¬†And to think that the year, once again, is almost over. Soon we will all be gone, back into the nothingness of the Universe from whence we came. But anyway, there are more plans to be put into motion and dreams to be dreamt before all of this happens. The inexplicable experience continues, and so it shall, until it ends.

I think that I’m just tired, overall, of the same things on a different day. And I am beginning to tire of certain people as well. Things have been lonely lately, and maybe that is a good break that is badly needed. Or is it? We complain about people all the time, and long for companionship, but then we complain about people and how intolerable they are. So which is it?

Let life carry out its natural course, and let whatever is meant to happen, happen. But let it happen quickly and painlessly! That is all that I ask.