It’s not the date of the devil, it won’t be for another while. But I am up, a little high and just wanting to say something here. I feel like I don’t write as much as I should…life has just gotten in the way of things…well, doing things that I would rather be doing than what I normally do. But that’s adulthood, supposedly. I know that there has got to be more to it than this…but there might not be. That’s why I rely on happiness and positive thinking, as well as an immeasurable and never-ending amount of patience. I just don’t know how some people do it. This entire change of life has hit me hard, and I didn’t realize it until this year. And we are officially on the half way point of the year…how did that happen? So sudden…like everything else in life.

I have tried my best to adjust to the new changes; for they are good changes. The only negative change in the last few months is having lost a friend, but I am working on gaining new people in my life. Isn’t that how it works? Some people come and go, like passengers, and you never see them or hear from them again…at least that’s how it used to happen. Now, we have social media, and unless the block button is clicked or tapped, people will remain there. Luckily, there will soon be a feature to mute people. That’s the perfect solution to the modern problem just described above. And truthfully, it should have happened long ago, but technology just grew so fast.

Adult life is very difficult; there are so many things to do. It is a constant flow of activities, responsibilities, and overall, my least favorite part: commitments. There are so many commitments these days, that I rather have a very small group of friends. I work with people daily, and I have come to love the idea of not dealing with many people if I don’t have to. That’s part of the reason that I prefer to stay in and just do what I want to do, alone. And a great aspect of this is that I love it and am more than content. That was certainly an enlightening moment for me. There is no greater importance in the Universe of the self than being centered. It is, after all, your own world. As they say, “You are the center of your own Universe.” So I retire into my own place and recharge, otherwise, I could not survive daily life and the numerous obstacles in it.

Later.

Advertisements

I should stop watching porn so much, but when the weekly stress is too much to handle…the exhaustion, the constant on the go and demands of my job. How could I not? It’s all of my fantasies at the touch of a few buttons. It’s pathetic, but relief at the same time. Part of me thinks that the compromise of being in a relationship is too much for my sex life. The sexacapdes are long gone…was I so used to that lifestyle that it dented a hole into my head? Sex with just one person is just boring…or it appears to be boring. I need to cut back, so I will. I have done it before, and I can do it again. I have to find another way to deal with angst. Food has been a major source of relief…but the other day I woke up and I was bloated. I put more into my body than it could handle, so it rebelled against me and decided that I was going to gain two pounds and be bloated for the entire day. Well fuck you then. And fuck me too for doing that…but mostly, fuck you body.
You can’t punish me for the demands of the mind. Have you met the mind? Body, mind, mind, body. Good. You two should not be strangers to one another…we have been in this war for a long time, the three of us. Yes, me, did you two think that you were alone in this?
The up and down of my job is getting to me. Needy people, constant paperwork, and when things don’t go according to plan, it throws everything off. Yeah, everything, including the mood for the day. I couldn’t bring myself to do a work out today…I have no energy. Did not sleep well last night, thanks to weed, which I am just over with at the moment. I say I am, then I go back to it. And it’s mostly because it’s free right now.
I don’t mean to say that my life is bad, it is not bad. There is a lot of good, and peace. Took years to get to this point. And now, the every day dealings of adulthood are tearing at the mind, the body, and soul. But the world doesn’t care, because it keeps orbiting around the sun. So much bullshit going through my mind right now, irrelevant stupid existential scientific bullshit. Well to hell with that. I’m going to sleep to the oblivion and start a new day tomorrow. If that’s what the Universe wants.

I am not religious, but today I went to a monastery for a work related mindfulness retreat and became very emotional. I found myself alone, in the chapel, as I went to retrieve my car keys during lunch break, so I bowed my head in the altar and said a little prayer. I prayed, to whatever is out there, if anything, the Universe, for peace on earth, and for peace and happiness to the people in my life. I said thank you for all of the good things in my life. I emphasized the importance of gratitude that I feel, because this was not always the case.
Another moment that made an impression of me is when I went to the small grotto where a status of the virgin Mary was praying, hands clasped, looking up at the sky. This reminded me of my Catholic roots, which for years, were a source of comfort for me, before I came to terms with my sexuality…which turned the comforts to torments.

I am not sure exactly what I believe in, but I do know that I believe in energies, and I believe that there are many things in this world that we are unable to see. The fact that this place was able to almost move me to tears, without any effort, is something to take notice of. Everything was peaceful and the troubles of the world outside the vicinity did not matter.

The meditation retreat was not as powerful, but it did serve a beautiful purpose, a reminder that we have to take care of ourselves, no matter what we do. But more so, us, the care takers, must take care of ourselves, for not everyone knows how to care for the care taker, and we are always caring for others. I am so happy that today was a great day, because the present moment is the only moment that matters, it is the only moment to ever matter. It is the biggest, single most important gift that we have in our lives. I feel sorry for the people that are not able to enjoy this philosophy. One can only teach so much, educate so much…
I am thankful for my life, for the people in my life, for my career, and for the people that I work with. My mission in this world is to help others, and to be a source of comfort to the souls who need it the most. No matter how much time I have in this world, I know that I am living a life that is right for me, a life that serves a lot of purpose and has a lot of meaning in it. And sometimes, that is more than enough to be happy.

I look forward to having more of these rich life experiences with the people I love, and also during times of solitude. It is very important to be alone at times.
Thank you life, I am happy that I stuck around, because things were not always like this. It really did get better for me…and for that, I am eternally thankful. The world would be a much better place if everyone practiced compassion and gratitude…and to the ones who already do, thank you.

I’ve been back from the tropics and settled, once more, into the routine. What happened during vacation can stay there and not be talked about.
Today I met with everyone that I was supposed to meet with. The person that makes the stronger impression of me is a mom who is very quiet and unsure of herself. I can tell that she is living in her own world and doesn’t really open up. Yet for some reason she is opening up to me. I think I could grow to actually like her because she reminds me of a part of me from long ago. I am still somewhat awkward and quiet at times. I love what I do and wouldn’t want to trade it for any other job.

Yesterday I went to school to plan the classes that I will be taking during the next three years. It is going to be a long three years, but in the meantime, I have to enjoy my time here as much as possible. If everything goes as it is said, I will not live near the woods again. So for the next three years, I am going to admire and better my relationship with the woods, the trees, the mountains…nature.

I never realized just how truly beautiful the trees are around here. Ever since I came back from Seattle, I am drawn to the different shades of green that make up the scenery as I drive on the roads.

More later, as usual.

Seattle was something from another world. The people there are happy, relaxed, and alternative. Nobody cares for the superficial possessions or fame. There may be some few that do, but they are a small minority. The vibes from the place were so strong but peaceful…nothing but good vibes. I did not feel any type of hostility here. Visiting my friend was fun; her and her fiancé were very welcoming, attentive, and such amazing people with immense hospitality.
There is so much to do, and so many new places to go to that there is just not enough time to see everything in only three days. After finally making the trip out West, a long term dream for me, opened my eyes to the fact that I know for a fact that I do not belong on this side of the country. I am more convinced, more now than ever that it is inevitable that, after I finish school, I will make all efforts to move out there. I will cross that bridge when I get there. For now, it is time to focus on work, and eventually make sure that school is successful. For now, it’s time to play and to be on vacation, to live it up as much as possible before the challenges and struggles begin once more.
The Evergreen state left me with a different perspective on life. I am going to  continue to practice those lessons that were learned. Once I landed here, I felt immediate hostility and negative vibrations. I knew that life here is difficult, but I had no idea that it was as difficult as it truly is. Once you see it from the outside, you know for a fact that you have to change your environment if it is poisonous to your self worth and development.
There is nothing for success here. I am happy that I finally took matters into my own hands and began to make a list of places that I want to visit and follow through in doing so. Nobody, and nothing was going to do it for me.
I have returned with more determination to put plans in place and finally escape this trap; for this place is plagued with bad energies.

I’ve gone back to smoking and have begun to take back control of my thoughts. It is not an easy process, but I know that I can do it. I cannot let my mind take over and ruin the good moments of the present.

Work is just…becoming very unbearable. I can feel time slowing down. I can feel the energy start to consume me. I have to take very good care of the situation and remember that I am responsible or setting boundaries that are going to be helpful in dealing with this situation.

This week, although short, was difficult. Next week, the situation is going to become more stressful with work and outside of work. I don’t think that I should be going to the gym next week because it is only going to add to the depletion of energy that is going to occur during the day and then during the evening routine. Next week, the focus of exercise will focus on Yoga, even if many think or say that Yoga is not a true cardiac exercise. Either way, something will work out.

Avicii died on Friday. Suddenly, the world got darker. So young; so unfair…and there is nothing that one can do but to accept that this is how things are. This is how life is. The Universe keeps on going, ignoring our grief and the absence of god. May his memory live long. Thank you for everything.

Work is getting tiresome…and I am trying my best to try and get rid of people, but efforts have been fruitless so far. There is no choice but to keep on trying to push cases out. I cannot imagine how things are going to be when school starts. I am doing everything possible to prepare for the journey, but there is so much that can be done. We are never in control; it is only an illusion. Life can change very fast, but if certain steps are taken to at least add precaution to the road ahead, that can bring comfort along the way.

I spent the weekend with my bf and some of it was pleasant, and some of it was not so pleasant. I continue to try to make sense of things without thinking about it too much. Need to learn what battles to pick, and which ones are not even worth it. I think I should have listened to my father when he told me to end things before it was too late…I guess it is never too late…but it does make it difficult when someone is in love. I have observed improvement in certain areas, but I still need to stay vigilant and more aware.

Don’t want to talk about thing anymore, right now. Going to the West Coast on Friday, finally. I took matters into my own hands because I cannot let time continue to just pass me by without doing the things that I want to do.

The eternal Winter continues with freezing rain and a coat of snow this morning. I am indifferent to it; refuse to let the weather affect my happiness. Furthermore, I refuse to let people, their complications, and lives affect my happiness. I am going to be happy regardless of what happens.

New co-worker only lasted a week; quit on Friday because of not being able to make the job work and having a child with mental health needs. Poor woman; cried and fretted about her fate until the end. This is another reason why I am never going to have children; there is a risk that something might happen…or that they might be born with something, and I could just not deal with it…It would break me completely but I would have to give that child away. I could not even raise a “normal” child, let alone a child with specific needs because of whatever condition…in her own words, “My life is hell.”
The only worry I have about this is when I get older, who is going to take care of me? Something that is far away, but eventually will happen.

N is being pathetic and petty; I canceled a hike on Saturday because I had a lot to do and it would not have been possible to fit in an hour or two of going outside to walk. I canceled it a day in advance. I don’t appreciate the passive aggressive tactics of people. It is very immature…and as the months have gone by, I have grown to be a more direct person. I feel myself changing, and the old, timid, shy person who used to hate conflict is slowly dying. It is a scary feeling, when you feel yourself changing, and there will be (maybe not all the time) an urge to resist that change. But change is the only constant of life, so it is important to welcome it, as long as it is practical change that is going to influence life itself for the better. It is also important to continue to monitor yourself, and see what part of the changes are good, useful, and what parts of it are bad, unhealthy. Even though I change on a yearly basis, I keep the good qualities that I have gained over the years.
But in any case, I am going to wait for N to contact me, because the ball is currently not on my side of the court. So that’s that.

I have come to embrace that the less people in my life, the better. Less complications, drama, and grief. I am very glad that my boyfriend feels the same way. I think it is a very big advantage that he does not have other gay friends, or a lot of friends…well, come to think of it, he does not spend time with anyone except for me…or his co-workers time to time, but that is none of my business. I still have to keep an eye out on him and on this relationship…I made a promise to myself to be cautious and vigilant.

The countdown to vacation season is getting closer to ending, and I could not be more glad. I have waited, patiently, for many months, for it to finally arrive. I have found it to be very healthy to only focus on my life and ignore others.

The situation at home is less tense, but still awkward. I do believe that it will remain awkward because my spirit is ready to leave, it has been ready for quite sometime. That is why it is vital that things work out in my relationship. Once I leave here, I will not want to come back. I do believe in my heart that strides and progress has been made, and there is always an opportunity for things to continue to improve. Only a couple of months, supposedly, and the big change will occur. This, in addition to going back to school, is going to make for some interesting life content. There will be bad with the good, as is everything in life. I have decided to not complain about it and just deal with it and get it done.

I went to a school visit today that unraveled much drama afterwards. And to make matters worse, it made my agency look bad. I will not be responsible for the actions of other people, I will not be responsible for the lack of direction from persons who have these so called “advanced degrees” but in all reality, have no idea what they are doing.
Whatever is going to happen is going to happen, it will be another drama that will, in due time, blow over as everything else in this life.

Some thoughts here and there about finances related to school…but the biggest worry is time management and stress. So it is going to be vital that every single step is taken to accommodate the situation.

Tomorrow, I return to the place that was once the site of a major, historic chapter of our lives. It has been a couple of years since I came to this place, and it will not have any effect on me whatsoever. Besides, the occasion is different.
I am glad that the week is going to finally be over tomorrow…well, the work week. Even with a snow day, it seemed that there was a lot to do. Next week, it will be another short week. I will take Friday to do errands and get some things out of the way.

For now, the most important task is to fully enjoy the weekend and to continue to stay off of social media. That is going to be a goal that will be kept until the Spring time, when vacation and warm weather season starts, in late April.

I’ve been reading past entries. I’ve been reading past entries to see if things have improved, no, not to see if things have improved. I know things have improved. I’ve been reading past entries to see how things were back then, and how they are now. Even though these entries weren’t so long ago. That is just a testament to how far I have come in such a short period of time. This has been the shortest recovery period from a mental illness in all of my life. It makes me feel happy and confident that I can rebound in the future; because more things will happen. More people will go, more events will happen, suddenly, without notice. Am I really that stronger? Is it much better this time around?

The past month or so I concluded that a stage of my relationship was abusive; toxic. The way things are now compared to how they were back then is the true definition of contrast. Things are not perfect, nor will they ever be, but they are better than they were before. A lot of people stay in bad relationships because they want to see if there is any chance of improvement, of hope. Sometimes it works out, but there at times that the situation becomes worse.
And speaking of worse, I often wonder if my writing style has deteriorated over the years. The best entries were written during moments of depression and anxiety. That’s a conundrum. Now that the situation has improved, and that my mental health has gotten to a stable level, the entries are not as exquisite. I deeply resent that. Is there a way for me to get back to what I had? But what should I write about? I have written about many things, many feelings, and various events. The events that are currently occurring are nothing in comparison to the drama of the past. Are my best days behind me? Have I fallen prisoner to the cult of domesticity and routine? Are my social adventures truly over? A part of me wishes that more experiences were had, but at the same time, a part of me wonders if what I went through during the end of high school and my college years was enough. Would I have been able to handle more? I have been tired for a very long time. But maybe I could have learned more things. I do the best that I can to live my life without regrets, but at times, I wonder if more experiences would have been better.
At least, now that I am going back to school, there could be new experiences in the horizon. Although, this time, the mentality is different…at least this is something that one would think.
It will be important to go with an open mind, and welcome changes. The only problem that has to be resolved is the financial part. Maybe I can get that under control. Isn’t that the second most important part besides grades?

I had a dream about her the other night. I wonder what it was about, or what she was trying to say to me. I forgot what the contents of the dream were, and maybe that is the reason why I should start documenting my dreams. I’m not sure that dreams mean something…but they could mean everything. There have been times where I have dreamt the future. Specific scenarios that were not just a figment of my imagination. Perhaps she will come back into my dreams again, sometime soon, to deliver another message. This time, I will be sure to document it. I want to write something sentimental, but I am still trying to fully move on and not let it get to me on a moment of weakness.

I wish I could continue to type more, but at this time, there is nothing else to say other than there is a feeling of resident because I feel as though all I do is work. Well, that is the reality of the current situation. All I do IS work and barely have any time to do anything recreational. There are summer vacations scheduled. I hope that it will be enough to sustain me. I am trying to do everything that I can to live it up before school starts…it is going to hit me. I have been out of school for six years now. It will be another transition that will have to be made. A part of me prays that it is the right decision, because god knows that, no matter what anyone tells me, we have no idea what we are doing with our lives. We never did, and I suspect that we never will.

Her death anniversary came and went. I shed a few tears, but did not weep. This year, it was a positive remembrance. I did not want it to consume me; enough grief has been caused by this.
Work has been consuming; so consuming. So much so, that I did not go to the gym today. I came home and I slept. My body has been giving my signals that it is time to take it easy. On Tuesday, I did not lay down until 10PM. I went all day, non stop…and my body was hating me for me. This is understood, and we will make many efforts to take it easy.
My relationship is heavenly…after many tumultuous months of hardship, the clouds have finally settled and things are much better. Nothing in life is perfect, and this relationship is far from perfect. No relationship will ever be perfect, but things are much better than before.

M continues to communicate updates on her relationship, but I honestly am so over it. This is what she is choosing; this is the type of relationship that she wants, it seems. Despite everything, things continue. I do not expect her to leave, and I do not expect her to learn anything until something truly bad happens. And that is not going to be fair for the people in her life. It is not going to be fair for her either, so at this time, pray nothing happens because the delicate equilibrium that we have fought so hard to create cannot be disturbed at this moment. As an answer about Grad School is being waited on, there cannot be any ripples. Life is going to happen regardless; pray the waves continue their serenity and calmness.

I have no choice but to wait until April comes to begin vacation season. Just one more month and a half and it will be worth the wait. Vacations have become such an important part of my life, that I will make it a point, every year, to do a vacation. Even if they are small get aways, for the time being, until the financial situation improves, that is a blessing. It will not do to compare the situation to anyone else, for that is a form of self harm. Speaking of finances, even though the debt war is over, for now, it has been so difficult to save money. The last two months have been unacceptable; moving forward, these things cannot happen again. They are  delaying the goals that were set in place to move forward financially and have the upper hand in certain situations, should school truly occur.

But until then. The ride continues. The inexplicable experience continues, and it does not show any signs of stopping. There are no words, I have no words to explain this existence. But for once, truly, I am happy. And it’s great. I have lived to see the day where I can truly say “I am happy.” And it feels so good.

Advertisements