I decided to go out last night after all…and I got home around 3:30 in the morning. After four drinks and 2 shots (or many 3) the night was made. I think I would have regretted it if I didn’t go. And on a random side note, on Thursday I saw license plates from the following states:

Hawaii, California, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Vermont, Texas, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, Virginia, West Virginia, Oklahoma, New Jersey, Maine, Arizona, and Maryland…
Just wanted to include that for the record. I thought it was interesting to see all of those in just one day. I’m sure not many people can say that…or can they?

The wedding drama is over and I could not be any happier. I hope that it is over for good. The even is in one week and I know that it is going to be a very long day, but I hope that it just goes by really fast.

I am returning to the office July 24th (out for training and flying out on Friday) and will have two small vacations in August.

The move that I made against my student loans did pay off, so I made another, even bigger move to try to get this done as soon as I can. I know that everything is finally starting to fall in place. I cannot be home any longer…I have to be out as soon as possible. I do worry, at times, about finding a decent place. And my mind starts to think about the things that could “go wrong”, like having problematic people around where I live or the noise level, etc. All of those things. But I know that I can’t really worry about it.

But anyway, everything else seems to be fine at the moment. I am glad that things are slowly starting to just get settled now. Here is hoping that they continue to be that way for a long time. Finally emerging out of a very long and draining storm. I have not had any time to continue reading my previous journal entries. I think that maybe I will try to make some time to do it tomorrow in the evening before starting another week. A week of routine.
Was not able to go the gym a lot this week, only about two times. Maybe I can go tomorrow. Yes, I think I will briefly go tomorrow to say that I went 3 times. And I also have to remember to meet my quota so that my insurance can pay for it every other 6 months.

Spending continues to be an issue, I just have no idea how money can add up so much in such short time. That’s another one of my worries for when I move out. I will practically have to spend nothing except for the bare necessities and then see if I have anything left over. That’s how it is though, isn’t it? So I might as well enjoy these last few months of “financial freedom” while I still can, because I know that when I do leave, things are going to be much harder.

Until later.

What can I even say about today? How can I even try to put into words the torrent of fuckery that ensued on this humid summer day?

I found out that my boyfriend would not be allowed to sit with me for dinner during the reception at my brother’s wedding. And what for? We were told in the beginning by him that it would not be a problem, and that we would be sitting together the entire time. I wrote a thoughtful and honest message to him stating my grievances, but reminding him that I loved him and supported what made him happy no matter what. And can you believe that he responded saying he “understood” my concerns but that it was tradition not to have dates at the wedding party table? So I asked people who were married if this was the case, and they said that it was not! This is all another work of art perpetrated by his fiancé. Yes. R confirmed this for me after I told her what was happening. She knows little of the situation itself but was quick to give me that conclusion. And my boyfriend agreed too. Tomorrow I speak with E and will tell her…will not be surprised if she agrees and says the same thing! But leave it to the jesus freaks to be judgmental. She does not want a gay couple to be seen in photos of her special day. Well fuck her special day, and fuck that wedding. I spent an ungodly sum in traveling expenses when it could have been used to moving out. But it all went down the train to appease their selfishness. She can expect zero contact from me after this entire travesty is over with. To think that I was certain she had extended an olive branch by sending thank you cards for wedding gift and liking some of my photographs. I am such an imbecile for planning to extend it back and make peace with her. Well this was the last straw for me. I recognize that I am at guilt for not making an effort to get to know her and giving her a very cold shoulder, but one would think that since she is such a “sweet” catholic girl, that she would be the better person. Well let me laugh at anyone who thinks that. Fake. All fake it seems. Sad. The entire day was spent in conversation with my brother and my boyfriend about this subject and I nearly had a panic attack. I had no choice and went outside to walk and breathe fresh air. The conversation is still going on as I write this!

On top of that, I was ready to strangle my client today for her deplorable behavior. It is not my fault they are experiencing poverty. Do not dare to come at me and tell me how easy it is to get a paycheck when all I am doing is trying to help. Some poor people can be very bitter. None of this is my fault! I did not choose to have kids and be with a loser! I went to school, took out loans on my name, and traversed through hell to obtain my degree, which by the way, is not making me rich. So what is her grievance about? I will continue to be nothing but direct with her because I have to present myself as a person that plays no games. And I don’t!
It has been so busy that I barely had time for anything. I actually worked nearly 8 hours today; the thought of that! I could have had a heart attack from all the nonsense that happened. But the gym and eating helped. Much. I cannot smoke because it is affecting intimacy and I don’t want none of that. I do feel bad for lying about it, but at least it is not a major lie or infidelity. I would never in my life resort to that. Disloyalty! Never. But the stress is also partly to blame for this. I just can’t focus and have no energy to perform. I rather sleep.

I cannot wait for this week to be over…I cannot wait for next week to also be over. Once the wedding is done, I can focus on the real issues at hand. Tomorrow I find out how the sudden move I made yesterday results in. I just feel suspended in the air, floating by and not having any clear idea of what is going to happen. I had the urge to rage today, to scream and scream to let out all of the anger, but it just did not come out. It was channeled in a different way. Maybe this is just for the best as of now.

 

Today I ordered the first massive offensive against the debt that needs to be destroyed. It was a final minute decision, but once I saw the situation at its present form, I decided that there is no turning back at this point. This has been delayed since March; a monstrous delay in my opinion. So in a few days I will find out how much the total is applied to the actual amount due and I will base immediate decisions after that. There is no turning back from this.

The beach retreat to Cape Cod had to be moved to the middle to the end of the week, third week of August. Then another retreat to the coast of New Jersey the last week of August going into September. This will be a good time to rethink things and re-organize.
Next week I fly out to the midwest for the wedding, and I shall be glad when this is all over. It has been draining and stressful. The event has been plagued by guest cancelations but I say that this is the consequence of having an event in such short notice (less than 8 months) and having it in the middle of nowhere. I spent a fortune on travel expenses only to be there for a day! But at the same time, I know that both sides of this are being selfish. But I am happy at the end of the day for my brother, that is what he wants.

The world continues to spiral out of control, so I have decided to surround myself in a cloud of marijuana until further notice, but of course, this has to be done in moderation. I do not want things to be very obvious.

Work continues to be work, and nothing else. Drama here and there, but as long as I stay away from it, I will be unscathed.
This week is very busy with extra curricular non work related events; birthday event on Thursday at the theater and a birthday party at the lounge on Friday night. Well. These things don’t happen often so of course we are obliged to attend. And it will be a good distraction anyway.

Herr Doctor has contacted me for help with computer software. But it is I who will have to look up tutorials before I help. He has offered to pay me, to which I said “What nonsense!” but there was no convincing him otherwise. I have been thinking of how much I will miss him when he eventually departs…he is of age. It will break my heart. He has been a soul that I have been connected with for a very long time. A unique soul that understands me…and those are rare to find in this god forsake country, this god forsaken world.

Is there ever any salvation from it all?

Worst summer ever. Have only been to the beach once. And I can’t go during the week because of being a slave to capitalism. So I can’t do the things that I truly want to do. The weather on the weekends is also complete shit. Not happy about any of this right now and in an extremely bad mood.

Work was draining, people are so needy and I regret to inform them that I cannot save their lives. Sorry. I can only do so much to help, but at the end of the day, like I have said many times, this is their problem after all. We can’t save the world. Too much burden. Too many problems, too much suffering. No system is perfect to sustain life perfectly. There will always be problems and suffering and nothing can be done to stop it in the long run. Maybe prevention, sure, but nothing can truly be done to prevent people from going into misery. Poor souls.

So easy to let emotions get the best of me, but when I think about the fact that I have one life to live, spending it doing things that I don’t want to do only to “attempt to survive” is complete bullshit. So of course I am going to be angry. Who wouldn’t? I haven’t even been able to go to Vermont. This time last year, I’d already gone on two trips and the beach several times. This year, I have only gone once. Shitty summer. It’s not even that hot and there has been so much rain and clouds. I am so sick of living in new england. To hell with this fucking place. I realize that I am being extremely negative right now, but I don’t care. I need to let it out before it turns into something else. I’m sick of being bored on the fucking weekends too. This can’t be an enjoyable life. It’s fucking bullshit. Fuck this.

I feel like a piece of shit. I think I’m just finding reasons to get myself sad…like focusing on the things I wish my bf had that he doesn’t. More of like the things I wish he did is more like it. I love him and care about him a great deal…he is the only guy who has ever stuck around. But here I am just thinking bad things, and wishing that he was somehow more like me when I know that it is never going to happen. So I either have to be okay with it or move on. These are real thoughts that are going through my head. Our relationship goes up and down. I know that no relationship, no matter how similar a person is to you, is easy. There will always be more ups and downs, but I wish that we had more ups rather than downs. I am doing my best to make things work and to make situations better; I am learning, being patient, trying to do my best to avoid situations. I think that I just don’t know how to be in a relationship. There are things I have done which are not appropriate….some I knew weren’t and some I know were. It’s a learning process. I am not sure why I miss hooking up so much if it never spiritually fulfilled me at the end of the day. The thrill of random sex was wild and exciting. A true rush. But I knew that these people never cared about me and my well being. My safety. My mind and heart. At the rate I was going, I am sure I would have gotten hurt. At times, I would embrace these men and pretend, just for a few seconds, that they were my boyfriend. I think I am fucked up beyond repair. It’s not to say that I have no self esteem or think negatively, but I just think that I am too weird, too strange for the world. But isn’t everyone this way?

He has said that maybe I should find someone more like me. Well, I was with someone who was more like me. He still had things that I didn’t like about him, and the reason it ended was because I was too negative. But even if I wasn’t, it would not have worked. He had different life plans and nothing was certain for me.

I just feel like…after meeting guys and going through a lot of drama, I finally find someone that takes me for ME, and here I am looking for the things that I don’t like about him or our relationship to make me unhappy. I hate myself for doing this. I’m a mental masochist and I just want it to stop. I really do.

Didn’t celebrate fourth of july because I don’t care about the country or the government. Are we supposed to celebrate a bunch of old white men with slaves who wanted to be “free” from the rule of others to do whatever they wanted? This country was built on the corpses of Natives and the hard labour of slaves. And now it’s ruled by corporation petty billionaires who only care about making more money at the expense of the middle and poor classes. So, no, fuck this country I am not celebrating anything. Anyone who isn’t awake yet is a total sheet. If they can’t see the reality of things for how it is, that will be their problem.

In other news, today turned out to be a good day after all. It wasn’t as dreadful as I thought it would be, which I guess is a nice surprise because I like to be proved wrong. Not that I should think negatively anyway, but it is always nice when the opposite of what we thought would happen ends up being the case.

Hope that the weather is good on Saturday because I need to go to the beach and relax. I continue to build more lean muscle each week that goes by, so that is making me feel good about myself. Tomorrow should be an easy day as well, this week turned out to be pretty great after all. I am not complaining. And the weekend looks promising so I am very excited. The only thing that I am dreading right now is just having enough money to pay off school. That day needs to hurry up and it needs to come fast because I cannot keep on waiting. I am so close to my goal so naturally, I am getting very impatient. I think that the gift to myself will either be a new laptop or a bottle of champagne. Whichever I am in the mood for! But probably the champagne to be honest. I am so tired of spending money on things that I do not need, which is the fallacy of many across the country. Buying things that they know they won’t be needing at all…for what? I’m not sure.

More later.

I smoked some weed and I feel fine. I went to see the waterfalls and was gone an hour and a half from work. What a privilege to be honest. This certainly doesn’t happen to anyone…I need to count my blessings. It’s essential.

After that, I went to have ice cream with my friend and then I went to the gym. The rain was coming down hard at one point…I was sitting in the chairs waiting for it to get better. There was a guy who was jacked and decided to take his shirt off and run to his car. Ugh. Amazing. I definitely feel that I miss being able to sleep with whoever I want. I have to remember that such life brings nothing but drama, deceit, and potentially doom. At the rate that I was going, something bad could have happened to me. That I know. But he came to rescue me at the right time. It’s amazing and funny how life works. But still. I think that the reason I binge watch porn sometimes is because I am living my whore life through the porn. I just don’t want to be always watching it. It’s gone down to twice a week now, which is not bad at all. I have to watch it. I really do. I don’t want anything to become a bad habit. It’s controlled now and I’m very glad.

Anyway. Another weekend of rain. But next weekend will be good, so I have to decide if I want to go to the beach or Vermont. Time will tell.

I’m glad another week is finally over. I finished all of my work and have nothing really outstanding. Fridays are usually my days to get everything done that I have during the week.

I really hope that my patience of paying off school pays off soon. I have been very patient…maybe for too long. But there is nothing more important to me than to pay off this debt and never have to worry about it again.

More later. I thought that tomorrow would be the last day of the month, but it is today. Tomorrow is July…and that is another month that has gone and brings us closer to Winter…the end of the year…and the eventual end. It’s bothersome. It really is. So I guess just cherish every single second. Although I will always believe, no matter what anyone tells me, that there has GOT to be something behind all of this existence and Universe. Beyond comprehension, but I believe that there is really something more than meets the eye.  I could complain about how boring my life is or count the blessings and accept them for who they are. I have a relatively very easy life, and for that I am forever grateful.

Staying away from everything lately. The news is pathetic and depressing. This country is fucked. Fucked in the head. Full of people fucked in the head with no compassion and full of ignorance. Disgusting.

Long day today. Not sure what’s going on during weekend, more bad weather as usual. Not sure about the holiday. I try to stay away because there are crowds everywhere and I hate people.

Saw two rabbits today in the front lawn and a nest is made but it is empty right now. Maybe the mother is getting ready to have the babies. Very precious. That’s it today. I’m tired.

I really long for more in life. Truly. Trying to stay away from social media and talking a lot to other people. It just seems to me, seems that everyone is having much more fun. What happened to working full time? Do people just not have responsibilities? It’s interesting. Well maybe I am looking at the wrong people then, who aren’t there yet. Poor J was telling me the other day that he has not had a day off in more than two weeks. Deplorable. I should write to him to make sure he is okay.

June was boring. Nothing but rain and thunder. Few nice days here and there…but it was so hot, yes very hot. I should stop complaining though. It could be much worse. Much much worse.

Auntie was not going to the wedding because of marital problems (not my business), but I found out that yes, she will be going after all. It was stressing me out having to tell my boyfriend that it would only be my parents after all. That would have been so sad, nobody but your parents and your brother going to your wedding from your family. Well, stress averted. In less than a month all of this will finally be over. Yes.

Just wishing and longing for the day of moving out. Just need to make sure that everything is in order. I have come so far and have paved the way for this…it should have happened sooner, but I will take what I can get at this point.
Work continues to keep me busy, and the people continue to provide me with life experiences and new ways of seeing my life. Those poor souls, how they suffer. We live in an extremely unjust world. It’s very sickening; that’s why I don’t believe in a religious god. Although it’s very interesting that most of these people still believe in god and mention that their faith is what keeps them going. I am always amazed at this. But just because I don’t believe in something it does not mean that it is not real to someone else. I always make sure to respect others as long as no harm is being done by what they believe in. But that’s another story.

B has been needy ever since he broke up with his boyfriend, and sometimes he can just get too much…so I do my best to avoid him and not reply to his messages right away. But it’s interesting to note that he has been talking to me a lot more than usual now that he is single. Still, I just don’t want to see him right now. I did tell him that Friday I would be able to see him, but I honestly have to think about it. He can be very exhausting, and he has a tendency to flash his fortunes (new car, no school debt, moving away) to me. I am not sure if it is just to me, but still, it gets draining. And speaking of draining, I feel a headache coming.

I have a long day tomorrow…have to start the day at 8 o’clock and probably won’t be able to get back home until 5:30 in the evening. I don’t think I am going to the gym tomorrow, which is sad to me because I am trying to stay away from my house as much as I can. I love my parents but it just feels very awkward living here. Although today I was seriously wondering to myself how I am going to be able to live out on my own with all the bills that I am going to be paying. Well, people manage don’t they? Why can’t I? I am sure something will work out…I hope so. And being in a relationship is good too because in the end, one can have financial advantages once you are living with that person. No? It’s always interesting to think about. I just have to play it good and just make sure not to create any more tension. I can’t take it anymore. I am willing to sacrifice much for my mental health and stability.

I can’t write anymore I think I have to take my eyes off of the computer screen right now.

More later.

Just feels like I’m not real. Nothing in this life or experience is real. I want to run away from everything forever. I don’t want to deal with the daily bullshit of life anymore. No matter how “perfect” my life may seem like, there will always be bullshit to deal with. I don’t want to be negative, I don’t want to dwell on the bad things, what good will it do? It won’t do good. I can’t focus on it anymore. But I can’t hide from something that is bothering me. I have to let it out because it will eat me inside if I don’t.

Do I obsess a lot about doing activities all the time? I wasn’t always like this, but when my friend died last year, I realized how I wasn’t really living my life. So I planned more and more things to keep myself busy, have new experiences, and get to know the world across the borders of the place I live in. I was never like this, although I did wish I could do more with my life. I don’t want to live in regret at the end of the day, wishing that I had done more with my life. Sure money can be a barrier at times, but there are ways around it right? I’m over society. I want to research why things are so difficult now. Underneath all the superficial shit we see every single day, there are a lot of problems going on that people hide and don’t broadcast. If you think I’m lying, get a job as a social worker or case manager and you will see what I mean. On the surface, things seem fine, but there is always a story. No matter how rich or poor. No matter how much someone smiles or frowns. Everything on the surface is a lie. I’m just tired of the way things are…tired of the way the world is run by the rich, powerful people that only care about themselves.

That’s why I wanted to isolate myself from everything. And everyone. But isolating myself from people didn’t work too well. I needed interactions to be healthy. That’s why a part of me doesn’t want to move to the mountains in Vermont if I was single. I know that at the end of the day I would need contact with other people. I just wish things were different. My friend told me that they were probably moving to Florida and I just lost it inside. I became depressed and sad that I am stuck in this shit. Yes I really am stuck. I haven’t finished paying for school. I don’t live on my own yet, and I have to finish the year at my job because I really want to leave (whenever that will be) with a good impression and besides, I need the references. But I have a boyfriend now and that is another reason I can’t just pick up and go. Would it be really shallow of me to end the relationship because I am not happy here? One thing that I have learned is that happiness is not a pursuit that lies in another place; it lies within. I could move across the world and still experience the same demons that I experience here. That’s because the demons live inside of me. But really…would it be not prudent to end a relationship because I want to move somewhere else? What if I don’t end up liking the type of men that live there? I honestly don’t really trust people anymore. The only reason that I trust my current boyfriend now, I guess it’s because a part of me, deep inside, really believes him when he said that he wasn’t like other guys. Still, it’s hard to be with him sometimes because he does not share the same spirit of adventure that I do. And believe me, I don’t want to engage in anything crazy either. I don’t want to rock climb or sky dive, but I want to have pleasant trips here and there. I love him so much. It would devastate me if I lost him…but how much is enough? I guess couples don’t do everything together. Do they? What is the point of a relationship? This is something that we made up. Like everything in this world that is made up…life is made up. I really do know that he is different than many guys I have met through the years. Looking back through my entries the last 7 years, one of the common themes in those entries is the desire to have a boyfriend. And now that we have one, he is not ideal for me. I admit it. He isn’t. But is anything ever perfect? Is anything ever ideal? My dad told me we will always seek for that perfection that does not exist. I am sure that to him, I am also not perfect. I am sure that there are things about me that he wishes I had but I don’t. Isn’t that human nature? Never to be satisfied with anything? Is that why the rich people only want more money even after they have it all? But this doesn’t mean that I have to be ungrateful. I don’t want to be ungrateful. I want to be grateful of things that I have. And I really should practice gratitude more often. I admit of being guilty of not doing so. It just gets so hard sometimes…seeing everyone move on to bigger and better things. Well, not everyone, but a lot of people. This is another reason why I keep to myself at times, and do not have a large group of friends. It’s because I know that as humans, we can’t help but to compare our lives to those of others. So the less people I know, the less probability of that happening. That’s another reason why I deleted Facebook and have never looked back since. Still, it’s hard for things like this not to seep through on instagram, which, I don’t have a lot of friends on that one either.

I still want to run away from everything forever. I don’t think that I was meant for this world. I try so hard not to think about my life or my existence because I know that the end result will be insanity and panic attacks. So I just try to keep my mind off of it by doing other stuff instead. But my mind has this fucking tendency to wonder and it’s really fucking annoying as fuck. It has gotten a bit better over time, but still, I suffer from this. And I just can’t help it. My mind is really its own thing, a separate thing from my wishes and desires. I don’t want my mind to run me, but I also have to pay attention to my needs too.

I am not going out tonight at all, once more. I don’t want to spend money that I am supposed to be setting aside to finish paying school and moving out. It’s whatever. This is the life that I was dealt. I am not asking for pity. I am not writing this to express ingratitude. I am writing this because this is one of my few outlets and god knows I would go crazy without writing. I am glad that I am getting back to doing so. I love typing so much and it just feels very therapeutic to get everyone out while listening to the sounds of the keyboard at the same time. There is something very calming about this. Technology…it owns us now. I suppose people of the past did well with hand writing, but this is so much faster and it does not tire out my hands. Anyway, I am just going off on a random rant. See? My mind wondering again even when I type. Absurd.

I just feel myself going into depression. Like I feel depressed right now. And it’s just dissatisfaction with life. It’s so hard for me to be like…so hard for me to be grateful. But why? What has to happen for me to change that? Always focusing on what I don’t have and on what could be better. But I’m just impatient. And today I was talking to my other friend and told her “I don’t know about life,” and she just said “I’m just floating,” and I just realized that I am too. Most of us are floating by because things already are as difficult as they are. I know that sitting in darkness in my room isn’t the best of things…and I probably should have gone to the gym today, but like. I didn’t. I want to change my life but I just don’t know how. And I see people going for what they want and I’m just sitting here doing what I THINK is the best thing for me, but I can’t help to compare at the end of the day. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to do that anymore…but it feels like an automatic action at this fucking point. I just want to sleep. I slept a lot last night and was disappointed when I woke up, because I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to keep sleeping and sleeping. And I didn’t even want to go to fucking work today. Thank god that my only visit canceled for the day because I just wasn’t in the fucking mood for that shit. Life listened to my prayers today. Whatever.

Until later.