Her death anniversary came and went. I shed a few tears, but did not weep. This year, it was a positive remembrance. I did not want it to consume me; enough grief has been caused by this.
Work has been consuming; so consuming. So much so, that I did not go to the gym today. I came home and I slept. My body has been giving my signals that it is time to take it easy. On Tuesday, I did not lay down until 10PM. I went all day, non stop…and my body was hating me for me. This is understood, and we will make many efforts to take it easy.
My relationship is heavenly…after many tumultuous months of hardship, the clouds have finally settled and things are much better. Nothing in life is perfect, and this relationship is far from perfect. No relationship will ever be perfect, but things are much better than before.

M continues to communicate updates on her relationship, but I honestly am so over it. This is what she is choosing; this is the type of relationship that she wants, it seems. Despite everything, things continue. I do not expect her to leave, and I do not expect her to learn anything until something truly bad happens. And that is not going to be fair for the people in her life. It is not going to be fair for her either, so at this time, pray nothing happens because the delicate equilibrium that we have fought so hard to create cannot be disturbed at this moment. As an answer about Grad School is being waited on, there cannot be any ripples. Life is going to happen regardless; pray the waves continue their serenity and calmness.

I have no choice but to wait until April comes to begin vacation season. Just one more month and a half and it will be worth the wait. Vacations have become such an important part of my life, that I will make it a point, every year, to do a vacation. Even if they are small get aways, for the time being, until the financial situation improves, that is a blessing. It will not do to compare the situation to anyone else, for that is a form of self harm. Speaking of finances, even though the debt war is over, for now, it has been so difficult to save money. The last two months have been unacceptable; moving forward, these things cannot happen again. They are  delaying the goals that were set in place to move forward financially and have the upper hand in certain situations, should school truly occur.

But until then. The ride continues. The inexplicable experience continues, and it does not show any signs of stopping. There are no words, I have no words to explain this existence. But for once, truly, I am happy. And it’s great. I have lived to see the day where I can truly say “I am happy.” And it feels so good.

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Today is February 3rd. Writing this is something that I have been wanting to do for a few days, but I just didn’t have the time. That’s exactly why; I do not have the time. And I not going to make excuses, but today, for the first time in a very long time, our body told us to slow down. Everything is so rushed; every day, there is much to be done. Even if I give myself one or two days of the week not to do anything, well, actually, no…that would be helpful. The problem is that I only had one day that I took to myself this week. It was on Wednesday. Sure, Monday I went out and shopped, but it wasn’t a day where I stayed in and did nothing. Mind wondering again, isn’t that distracting? Maybe I have ADD. Today I couldn’t sit still at this training. I felt the need to want to move around. I couldn’t just stay still. Is that normal?

I’m still waiting to hear from graduate school. I am kind of nervous that I will have trouble balancing everything. But many people do it, and they succeed. So why can’t we? I just have to slow down. Slowing down is the key.

Anyway, the point of this entry is to just talk about the immersion of life. I am so immersed, quite deeply, into life. Maybe that is why I feel a rush. I am very devoted to my job. I am very invested in this because I have decided to make that my career path. And it is good to finally figure out what is it that you want to do in your life. But the only worry is just the wearing down. The tear and wear of it all. So then what do I need? Do I need two days of the week to just do nothing? Maybe that is going to be the key. I have altered my routine so much in the last few months, maybe the change is new to me and my body is getting used to it? But still, I have to take care of myself. I don’t want to end up like her. I don’t want to talk about her. Her two year anniversary of having suddenly left leaves me dry and in a gloom. As if someone sucked the Summer out of me and left me in Winter. Poetic, I still got it.

I will have to let a few more weeks pass by to determine if this new change is effective. I know that I am going to be okay. And I have to be better at planning. Better at everything.

I’ve been medicating a lot. With something natural. It has really done wonders for my anxiety. Why should I deny this when it is true? I feel so much calmer. So much better. It’s work and the rough routine that are enemies right now. So that’s why I have to make sure that I get my two days, and then some time on Saturdays and Sundays.

So for now, I’m just a shadow. A shadow living a busy, meaningful, active life. But I am still a shadow because time just seems to be floating and slipping away faster than ever before. Why should things speed up when we have things to do? Shouldn’t it go slower? I remember my school days before college, counting down on classes to end. Trying not to fall asleep during boring class times. I have no idea how I made it. But why did time seem so slow back then? Why did time seem to take forever when I wanted that morning English class to end? Sometimes I actually didn’t want it to end. But other classes, those were awful. The ones that were utterly boring, of no interest to me, those are the ones that took forever to end. So maybe that is it after all…time flies when you are doing something you love, but it drags when you are doing something you hate. It’s magical, yet real. And if you don’t believe me, take a trip to the #DMV.

I’ve become less sensitive. Maybe this is something that is needed in this world, after all.
Last night, something awkward happen that I don’t want to mention. But it was a slight sign of the times…how far things have come along in this complicated journey. I have been looking for myself for a very long time, and I often question if this is who I really am, if I am not yet the final version of myself. What will I be like? But those are all pointless questions to ask, because we don’t see the future, nor to do we want to see the future.

Everything else is just the same way it is. There are no major changes or events to discuss. Some sudden and not desirable circumstances are occurring with M. But at the end of the day, M is an adult and will make the decision that M wants to make. This is not my problem, nor should it ever be. I just hope for the best. I cannot afford to lose someone else. It’s only been two years. That is still fresh. I don’t want to talk about that at all. I’ve talked about it plenty. No, don’t do it. Just don’t do it.

Music is so extremely important right now. It has become one of the most important elements of our life. It is a daily element. Today, I yearned to go outside, for a walk, in the woods, or the mountains. But it’s February. And I can’t do that. So really, I have to stay in the current situation that I am staying in right now because that could improve more and finally give me the life that I have secretly, but not secretly, and at times disguised, wanted. But that is beside the point.

Let whatever happen, happen. But this year I know that it is going to be a very positive year full of many achievements. I can sense it.

In one month it will be two years since she died. I don’t know why I still write about her. Many things have happened since. I started living; and fully. That was her gift to me; and I will serve her memory each and every day by living the best life that I can live.

There was a big break through with my relationship and ever since, things have been better. I love him so much; I am going to cherish every single second that I have with him. I am going to love him so much that it hurts. I have butterflies writing about it. He is my love. Despite everything, I stuck around and loved him…even when it seemed that I didn’t.

Happy to have the day off tomorrow. Started planning for summer trips. Really have to try to speed things up. Time is beyond precious…one of the very few concepts that slips away, always.

The middle of January has arrived and we find ourselves back into this time warp. Everything is moving at a fast speed, and nothing is slowing down. I finally decided to put in the effort and pick up where I left off on my old entries. The most difficult entries have followed suit; the weeks and months after the unexpected passing of her. We had no time. No time to prepare or plan; finding out was like taking an arrow to the back of the head. The pain slowly dissipates through your entire body, and claims your mind.

Yesterday was another emotionally draining day in my relationship. But there was a breakthrough, and I made him break down. For the first time in one and half years, he broke down in front of me and cried. Does that mean that my nonsense and difficulties finally cracked on him? Yes. But I think that he needed to hear what I had to say. Reading back about my fears regarding my inabilities to form a romantic relationship…it’s not because of not wanting to, or not believing that we couldn’t, or believing that it was impossible. No, the reason is that we are too fucked up and too trapped inside our minds to have the tools and communicate things. I am a fucking weirdo. And I am proud of who I am, even if it means being the most difficult person I know.
At this time, there is no way to tell what direction this relationship will take. But what I do know is that if certain things cannot be worked out, there will be no point in continuing anything.

My parents are gone and won’t return until the last week of the month. Thank god. They too, fucked up. Almost no interest in wanting to be a part of my relationship. It’s so easy for them to wash their hands and say that they tried but they didn’t really follow up or show any interest before then. Where was the interest before the fucking holidays came around? Where was the interest before they found out that family was visiting out of state? So fuck it, I decided that I am not going to care anymore. Reading my past entries reminded me that as far as 2 and a half years back, I decided not to give a fuck about people anymore, the troubles they bring, I simply don’t care. I am not interested in resolving anything. I am not interesting in trying to resolve the imperfections, because some people are going to remain stuck in their ways, forever.

The truth is that I love being a loner. I don’t care to do anything with anyone. The only thing I care to do is go be with nature. Nothing else interests me. If, for some random reason, wealth befalls upon me, I will gladly take it. That is my goal, because you cannot rely on anyone but yourself in this god forsaken, desolate planet. You can’t trust anyone and expect people, even your family, to fulfill you. Family is just another label. It’s just another made up human idea, like almost everything else in this world.

I decided that I am going to stay in my field. I love it. I fucking love it. I love hearing about the drama, the stories…I know that in the past this was not always the case. But because I hardly interact with anyone outside of work, this is perfect for me. And the fact that these problems do not follow me home is the greatest fucking thing. How about that?

Let’s see what else happens.

In two days I’ll be alone for two months. This will be good for me. And this will be good for my parents to go away by themselves. It will do them good; very good.
But now, I have to deal with this winter. It’s always a struggle, no matter how many times I have gone through it. This time, I have more activities to do. But the cold is always going to make it tough. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t make it through it; I’ll make it through. The spring will be worth the wait. I know that I couldn’t deal with the cold forever. Could I? It gets worse as you get older, they say. Who knows anything.

Here and there come feelings of meaninglessness and boredom. Dulness. But I fight those emotions by trying to stay busy. The hardest part is while slow at work, I loathe sitting there. I can feel myself succumbing to the dulness. So I stand, walk around, find whatever I can to do, even if it means just standing and looking outside of the window. That’s still something to do.
I think that I gave up on reading, especially books from the 1800’s, no matter how classic they are labeled. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s boring. Maybe I should find something that is interesting to me. That could be the problem.
Or maybe I have to learn to adapt and treat everything the way that it is supposed to be treated. Books are just like people, at times, you just have to get used to the style in which they are written, and you have to get used to being able to handle them as they are. That’s a good way to describe people as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I am just becoming more jaded as the years go by. Is my job to blame? I know that I do a good job at separating work from life; I leave all of the problems where each belong. The ones at home, and the ones at work. They never cross paths; they were never supposed to cross paths. They can never cross paths. At least nothing is intensive, so I think anyway.
Three months left of this cold. At least I have a vacation in the spring to look forward to; a new, unexplored territory. The cold merciless subzero winds will be far gone. But a part of me is only going to want more travel, more exploration. And that has taken priority over any other lusting of life. Forget sex, forget pot, forget material possessions. Travel and exploration are my new obsessions. And in time, I will have enough resources to fulfill these desires. But until now, there is hard work to be done, and much patience to be had. The road to fulfilling promises and seeing dreams become realities will be long and tough. But the purpose of planting everything is that, in due time, we will see it grow. At least that’s what they tell us. But I do believe that this is true. So let me plant my garden, and pray to the Universe that I am alive and well to see the flowers bloom. Yes. Either way, it is going to be okay.

The year is finally coming to a close. I don’t suppose that I have changed drastically this year. It was a year with very few significant changes, which is a blessing after all of the things that happened in 2016. I thank life and the Universe for granting me a quieter than usual year in 2017. It was definitely a slower year. I still had fun, but it was nothing compared to the ride of 2016.
The most notable change this year is that I became content with having a low key life. The more people that you bring into your inner circle, the more problems! I also accepted that I may be living here all of my life. Although that is not the goal at all, a part of me has accepted that this may very well happen. I always write such lengthy reflections, but alas, it will not happen this year. I have said plenty over the years, and I can finally say that, after everything that has happened in the past, things are finally better and I now lead a quiet life. I realize that this could change at any moment, so I do my absolute best to live in the moment, fully, and immerse myself in the daily activities and various stimuli that I enjoy. This is the only way to begin to live a more peaceful life.
For next year, some goals are to continue the small travels, and to continue to do the activities that I love doing. I really hope to get into graduate school. I want to continue to develop my friendships with my close friends because it is very difficult to find new people in the “outside” world, especially since I do not go out much. I also want to save up a lot of money. I have learned my lesson the hard way; but the positive outcome of this is that I will be better at managing things, and that, at last, I have finally payed off my debt. Graduate school may plunge me into more debt, but I have a plan, a good plan, to pay off some of the costs during the years in which I am in school so that when I graduate, I don’t have a lot to answer to. It has been very draining, and it took a lot of patience to get to this point.

I will not talk about politics or the ongoing events around the world. I have made it a priority not to indulge in the hysteria and madness that most of society participates in. Yes, it is important to know what is going on, but to a certain extent. Gone are the days of obsessing over the terrible, soul draining happenings in this country and abroad. It’s time to hope for a better future, and be aware that there are good people in the world who truly want to make a change in their own lives, and the lives of many. We need each other to make this world a better place, and to vanquish hate. There may always be an eternal struggle between love and hate, but despite all, I still believe that love will always win in the end.

I am thankful for all of the good things that happened to me this year. I am thankful for my close relationships. I hope that everything improves, where it needs to improve. Otherwise, 2017 was not as tumultuous as years past. My goal for 2018 is to make it a very memorable year, filled with beautiful memories and achievements. I am very centered and self aware of the things that need to happen, and I still have learned lessons that will help me going into the new year. I pray to life and to the Universe, so that they continue to protect me and my loved ones. I know that there are many blessings to come.

Another day of boredom. Well, it’s really another day of being unproductive. When I am bored at home, or other places, I can always find something to do. When I am work and have few tasks to do, it is difficult to find activities to do. However, it has been decided that it will be productive to write. Why write? Because it is a skill that I have always wanted to keep up with; something special that cannot go to waste.

The state of the world continues to decline; domestically and abroad. It won’t be wise to speculate on what is going to happen; nothing is certain at this time. Yet people go about their daily lives. Why should we stop? We are too comfortably numb to everything. We know what is happening, yet, it is kept in the back of our minds. Some choose to ignore it completely, while others know that it is there and that perhaps, if they carry on with life, it will dissipate.

Why is this country running itself to the ground? Why is this world burning itself out? The ego of men has become too great, that they are willing to destroy the world to achieve success. How can one be successful in a world with nobody in it?

I continue to struggle with the decision of going to graduate school. It seems, with everything that is happening, that it is simply not worth it in the long run. The investment that I am going to receive is not going to be justified, in fact, it will not even be an investment. At this stage of life, it sounds like an absolutely nuisance. Higher loans, higher interest rates, and a lack of an adequate salary increase is not going to inspire or motivate anyone to go back to school. For school is only necessary for people who want to perform certain types of duties; very specific jobs that require the expertise and knowledge of an area of study in order to be completed successfully. My job requires no degree, in all its reality. Anyone could be trained to perform the tasks that I perform, whether they possess a degree or not. The sad reality is that yes, perhaps I, like millions, was scammed into thinking that it was necessary to go to school in order to obtain a “successful” job. But what is a successful job if one is still struggling to pay for the bare necessities? I looked at my credit card account last night, and I was not happy with what I saw. There may have been a few (and just a few) luxury transactions, but they were not of an astronomical account. What truly added up, and quickly, were the essential purchases.
So the cost of living goes up, and the salaries remain the same. It is through this process that the middle class is going to disappear in this “great” country, and there will be nothing left but a struggling class and the wealthy.

The holiday seasons is approaching, and feelings of sadness, anxiety, and melancholy have begun to take over. Despite everything that is happening in the world, and in life, it’s also important to find sometime to water our minds with positive thoughts and imagery. Yes, this is a difficult task, but it is not impossible to achieve. It is very much like trying to write an entry when there isn’t much to say; or when one truly feels that they have written about every single thought and event that occurs in daily life. However, I made a promise to continue writing, no matter what. It cannot be given up. That would be doing a disservice to ourselves, the world, and anyone that could benefit or become inspired by the words found on these writings. It is simple for me to write once I begin, the struggle occurs in the beginning, when my mind is attempting to formulate the main idea of what the paragraphs are going to be about. However, most of these entries are in a narrative format, and the subjects change, with transition, as my thoughts change. Perhaps my brain has a “To do” list, which are the thoughts of the hour, of the moment, that must manifest themselves into words written on a screen.

I have been thinking about starting a blog, however, the process is completely unknown to me. I am also not sure if people would want to read what I write. I am certain that some people could benefit from these words. The question comes down to what type of subjects do I want to write about?

Lately, there is a sense of wanting to do something greater with my life. It’s not that I am completely unhappy, but there is a longing of needing to go above and beyond what is being done at this moment, to achieve something greater than the current work that I am performing. It is one of the most frustrating and soul clenching feelings one could experience, but the positive side of things is that it is an indication of acknowledging that one wants to do better and be better. The journey has to continue, for various reasons, of that I am certain. I am not sure of where it is going to take me. All I pray for is a solution to the uncertainty. It must come from within; I am fully aware. The only ingredient that is missing is a catalyst.

Today, tonight, is a day that I’ve been looking forward to, for four and half years. Tonight, November 21st, 2017, as of 6:15pm, Eastern Standard Time, the war is over. I am debt free from the iron claws of the Department of Education. The unbelievable sacrifices that have been made to achieve this personal goal tonight, are unheard of. I have done so many things since this financial conflict started to get by. Retailing, dull research projects, cleaning after people, taking care of the mentally ill, enduring the torturous stress of unbearable superiors, and enduring a thousand storms of personal depression. Tonight, the ghosts in the corridors of yesteryears have vanished. No more wasting of our income to satisfy the interest rates of a system that steals from the unsuspecting, the ignorant, the uneducated on financial matters. The College system and Department of Education of this country are nothing more than profit making thieves. They are liars, bandits, frauds, embarrassments, manipulators, gangsters, corrupted thieves.

There were many nights, many late nights, that my mind took advantage of me to create misery and grief. There were many nights that I wondered how I would make it through, moments when I proclaimed that the only way out of this aberration was to die. Tonight, I have proved the naysayers wrong. Tonight, I have proved the loser deep inside of me wrong. Tonight, I have proved myself wrong. There is nothing stronger than determination, hope, and an infinite quantum of patience. Gone are the days of wondering if I would be that elderly man, being haunted by debt callers, having my income deducted to pay for loans, worrying about being incarcerated or hunted like a wild animal.

Tonight is a victory for the many people that have woken up, and decided to reject the system which teaches society that in order to succeed in life, one must go to a traditional school and become indebted. Tonight is a victory that I dedicate to millions around the country and perhaps the globe, whom are still struggling to find a way to pay back monstrous loan amounts to the institutions that promised them a sanctuary but delivered them into the ninth circle of hell. I may not know your circumstances, I may not know your personal stories, but I can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All you have to do is believe and have patience. There is a way out of every situation, as long as you believe in your heart that you can find a way to get out. Never give up the fight. Never give up the struggle. Never give up on trying to find a way to tell the corrupt system that you will not falter, and that you will fight back with every single cell in your body to obtain this freedom.

Gone are the days where people believed that studying hard, obtaining good grades, and continuing education for 4 or 8 more years will bring you success. This system is crumbling, people are waking up. The debt ceiling will have no limit, as it will continue to pile up with the debts of millions that are unable to pay back. People are abandoning the old ideas of going to school to become indebted with degrees that will not lead to success. It is time to think outside of the box. It is time to put everything you know behind, and listen to the minds of those who know the truth and see it for what it is. The society that we are living in is a fraud. It is a lie; everything you have been told is deceit. The powers that be are keeping people below their means in order to succeed.

Today’s historic occurrence would not have been possible without the support of my family. It would not have been possible for me to continue moving forward without their unconditional love. Perhaps this may not be the case for many others, but the tools to help you are out there; believe me. Believe in yourself. Believe that there is a way out of this situation and utilize as many resources as possible. Dig deeper; do not follow traditional paths, for they will only lead you into the edge of the abyss.

I may not know what the future holds, and perhaps nobody does know what is going to happen. But the one thing that I know, which is clear, is that I have eradicated this debt by myself. This is one of my greatest personal achievements of all time, and I will remember this day for as long as I live. The inspiration and relief that I feel at this moment cannot be replaced or matched by anything else. There is no greater satisfaction than to know that I will no longer be exploited by those who are meant to help me. So wake up, find strength, even in the smallest of things, fight your fight, pave your future, and end your war.

Today I authorized the final payment on the student loans. And to celebrate the beginning of a new era, I slipped under the cover of darkness, to a private meeting. This is the type of meeting that I have been needing for years. I may even declare that it has been needed for more than a decade. All of my questions will be answered, and I will learn about myself in the process. The group of individuals in charge of this organization know that there are traps set by society to ensure that millions are enslaved to debt. The hope is that everything will be revealed.
When I recall the days of going to college, I was never sure on what to do. I considered leaving multiple times, and changed my plan of study constantly because nothing satisfied me. When I graduated, the age of uncertainty began. This was a continuation of the failure that society continues to propagate on its people. Nobody told me what to do next. All the advisors said was that people who graduated from high school, and went to college would be sure to find jobs. These basic statements did not serve as guidance. What schools need is people that are going to teach students other aspects of life. Mortgages, rent, loan repayment, job searching, allocation of assets, and many other essential pieces of life that are not taught to anyone during school.
Some may say that perhaps it is the parents that are supposed to be of assistance. This may be, but it is not always happening in all of these cases. My parents were of no use, not because they didn’t want to be, but perhaps because they never thought about teaching me the basic essentials of the post graduate life. And yet, perhaps, we were only victims of living in a completely different country from where we came from. For things are done differently here, and no job will fall from the skies that easily. Come to think of it, one of my first post graduate jobs came from the sky! The irony.
Given my past, and current situation, I do not think that going to graduate school is the answer. The evidence is clear; when people ask me what I am going to be doing with my graduate degree, I have no clear answer. I may say that it would be desirable to work in a hospital setting, or for a corporation to ensure that they are following through with their social responsibilities. However, it would send me back into debt, and I don’t speak of these occupations with high regard or with passion. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life listening to grief and being under paid?
For many years, we have always believed that we are meant for something greater. I am not falling for the trap that logotherapy explains in regards to individual humans having a feeling that they must be special. Quite the contrary! It’s not that I believe, it’s that I KNOW that I am meant for something much greater than what I am doing now. There are big things in life that are waiting for me. The pieces of the puzzle are falling into place, slowly, but time is of the essence. Things have to be done quickly. Imagine; going back to school for 3 years is going to cause all types of delays. But the most important delay, is that of finances. I have not fought this financial war for years, sacrificing independence, only to fall back into another conflict. It is something that cannot occur. There must be a way, there has to be a way to be successful without going back to graduate school. With the way that this country is being run (which is another topic for a different time), there are no guarantees. There are only guarantees for the rich. Going back to school during these perilous times is not opportune. When the government is actively waging a war against the middle and poor classes, putting oneself in debt would not be wise.
So for now, there are many other options that are waiting to be explored. These options are going to be discovered. Today, I did what I had to do; sold myself in order to be a part of something that is only going to be of extreme importance. This opportunity is not something that happens frequently, therefore, I plan to utilize it to the best of my ability and to take advantage of every single step of the way. There are no excuses; hard work will pay off.

For now, we await the final processing of this payment to be effective. None of this will be missed; these vampires will not be taking any more of my money in interests. Let this end once and for all.

On Monday, I will meet with a mentoring group that will advice me about life. I know that the prospect of going back to school was exciting, but part of me is still very unsure. Perhaps it is better to wait a year? It is a difficult choice to make, and it is unknown if the benefits will be worth the sacrifices. Nothing is known about this mentoring group, so I have no idea what I am walking into. The only thing that can be done about this, is to just hope for the best and believe in the idea that it is going to be helpful and perhaps even mind changing. Only time will tell. There are pressures to be felt because of the age we are in…nothing is going to come easy. I am willing to put in the work and effort if there are benefits and rewards to be obtained from this.

The overcast cloudy skies continue with little sunshine. And when there is sunshine, it disappears much too soon. There is nothing left to be done but to enjoy all of the moments that we have.

Will report back on this meeting sometime next week. Everything else is still the same.

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