So yesterday I got high and thought about a few things; mostly existence. I have been reading more things online about life and death…and I came across the unavoidably topic of “eternal oblivion”…which I’m not sure how I feel about it. I say this because if this concept is true, then I won’t feel it, I won’t sense it, and I won’t know about it. If this is so, then I think that there is some beauty in death; not that I encourage suicide or killing, but in the sense that there will be no pain, sadness, regret, and most importantly, suffering. I think that as beautiful as life could be (because let’s face it, not all of us have a beautiful life), it is full of suffering regardless. I think that maybe most of this suffering comes from the knowledge of dying despite everything we try to do to keep ourselves here longer. I don’t think I am afraid, I don’t sense myself going into the panic attacks or anxieties that I did last month. In any case, I did find the transcendence topics interesting as well. I know that through hundreds of years, scientists and philosophers have pulled their hair outs asking certain types of questions. I sense that the more we discover, the less we know. Didn’t Einstein say something along those lines? You’ll have to forgive my laziness at the moment, but that is not a quote that I will look up. Otherwise I will get distracted from my word flow. But, feel free to, in a friendly manner, correct me on that quote. Not that it’s very important.

In any case, today I was thinking that everything in life is a human made concept. We have come up with names for the laws of nature, animals, etc. I was also thinking about something interesting the other day…I called it the “cake dilemma”.  So basically it all comes down to this; the empiricists say that knowledge  and experience come from the senses. If we have never experienced cake, seen it, heard of it, tasted it, felt it, smelled it, then does cake exist? If others have experienced cake but we haven’t, does it mean that it exists because we haven’t experienced it? This is assuming that in the “Greater scheme of things,” someone experiences cake and we don’t know about the fact that cake exists or that others have experienced it. I compared this to the concept of death. Think about that.

I was reading a forum in which someone said that we go through “bouts of death” every night when we sleep. I found that interesting as well. I still find it a weird concept. They asked if we remembered anything through the billions of years before we were born. When I pondered on this, it didn’t sound so painful or scary. Being unaware of things is blissful, in a way, wouldn’t you say? Again, I still don’t consider myself an atheist. I am not sure that I agree with Stephen Hawkins regarding that “the Universe just is”. I have respect for him, but I think that at the end of the day, without deluding ourselves, what we believe in is what shapes our world and our mind. I was also fascinated by the concept of consciousness and how it does not particularly serve any purpose in our survival. Some say that “something else is pulling the strings”…and I lean more towards this concept. That it is yet another man made concept, I cannot refute this, but it is a concept of belief nevertheless. I was thinking that life is the biggest, most mysterious phenomena and that perhaps we will never find out the “why’s”. Some say that there is no “why”. I think that the question of “Why” is clearly unique to humans. I curse that frontal part of the brain. Sometimes I wish I was like a dog or a cat, they lack that part of the brain and seem to live very happy, relaxed lives. But I was born a human…the rarest thing. When I think about my own existence, I ponder why I was born…or rather, why my own consciouness was formed. They say we are just a body…but I see a humanity behind that body, I truly do. Whether good or evil, it’s there. I continue to develop my knowledge. I don’t like to dwell on existential questions too deeply because it will truly not do me any good. But I can say now that I am more functional and climbing back into having a baseline life as I did before my friend passed away. I prayed to her the other day…I prayed that she gives her best friend (who is also my friend) and I strenght and courage to deal with our daily struggles. It’s interesting because I haven’t prayed in years.

I guess what I have taken away from this, regardless of what exists and does not exist, is that like a Greek philosopher said, the man who fears death is a fool because truly, you won’t know you are dead. I find that interesting…death is not something that is experienced post mortum. So does that mean that death exists? If something cannot be experienced, does it exist? I did not experience my pre-birth, so was it not real? The world was here before I came, and the world will be here after I go…but the world itself will eventually go. Some say that the universe goes through cycles of rebirth; again, strenghtening my favorability of Eastern religions and spiritual views. I truly believe that they hold the answers to some of our questions…even if they are just man made concepts.

I also finished reading Viktor Fankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning” which was absolutely phenomenal and definitely, despite the inhumane circumstances the author and others found themselves in, makes me believe in a higher being. Everyone should read this book; it is extremely enlightening. It was filled with so much positivity despite the macabre environment the author describes. I should be annoyed at those who say that everything we do in life is a distraction to keep ourselves from thinking about death. This may be so, but I believe that anyone is capable of finding purpose and meaning in the things that they do, sort of like a life mission.

My journey continues.

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