I’m really so fucking tired of everything. Everything is so lame. I’m really tired of this dumb routine, which is somewhat missed when it is interrupted. The only aspects that I like about my job is that I get to hear interesting stories and that I can always bullshit my hours, but other than that, there is no room for advancement. I feel like I have failed at life now that I am almost 30 and truly feel as if I have not accomplished anything. My life is almost over and I haven’t done shit other than to hoe around, smoke some weed, work a few jobs, get some experience, graduated college, and become involved in fucked up social situations. I am very disappointed with everything. I wish that someone would have told me that this was going to be life after college. I certainly would have re-evaluated some of the decisions that I made, and I would have probably picked another major. But it’s so fucking useless to dwell in the past; what’s done is done and it will never be able to be rectified again. I’m truly bored with everyone and everything; I feel that nothing sparks my interest anymore. I’m not sure if this is a product of me stopping my medication, but I am really sick of popping fucking pills every day because life has become too miserable to deal with. I had no idea that this year was going to be this; nothing memorable, just a horrible nightmare of a memory from my friend dying. I remember that last day in Miami, before I left for the airport. I was in the balcony overlooking the bay, watching a pelican dive into the water for fish. I remember feeling the hot sun on my skin, feeling the breeze pushing the clouds by, and looking at the blue sky in the background. I remember staring intently at the scene, telling myself that it was such a miracle and priviledge to be alive and to be experiencing this scene, at that very moment. Something about this scene, I would later learn, was omnious. The pelican’s aerial dance while diving for fish in the water and the backdrop of the scene were a fucked up metaphor of the tragedy I would soon traverse. It’s as if that scene was the closing episode of the age of bliss in my life, which was, at the time, unknown to me. This scene played out, as I self talked about the wonders of being alive and my fortunate situation, while a chapter of my life died with it. This was the last moment of peaceful bliss that I would experience before the wall of immortality was shattered before my own eyes two months after. It was tragically beautiful, like most things and life itself.

But now, I’m indifferent about my life. If I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t fucking care. I’m done with this world and all the bullshit in between that one has to deal with day to day. If it’s not at home, it’s at work, and if it’s not at work or home, it’s with friends, and if it’s not with friends, work, or home, it’s with other people. I’m tired of it. I can put it in no other way except for, “I am tired of earth. These people. I am tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.” Yes, my life is also a tangle, but I try my best to keep away from bullshit and negativity. It somehow always finds a way to seep in; I cannot avoid it. And now, I feel like I just want to go far away into a buddhist monastery and just give up everything. Some days I wish I was a drug addict; I envy those people. Some say that they have sad, wasteful lives…but at least they are fucking free from all the bullshit. They have become aware of the idiotic bullshit of life and chosen to numb themselves to all of the it. I have achieved to escape my environment in my deep meditations and have reached a state of “just being”, but that’s the closest I will ever get to escaping. I keep thinking of how I am stuck here until I die; and that I really wish I was never born. To never have been born would have meant that I would not have to experience death. But since death, according to some, is not something to be experienced, my existence would have seemed an illusion. I was thinking of how sad it would be to not be able to say goodbye to myself. Even though I feel like a complete failure, I do care for my inner human being, the inner “me” who lives in my brain. How sad it is to lose this to death; but it is so, it cannot be otherwise. The Universe Itself has ordained this fate for all living things…but why, I cannot say.

I don’t think that I will ever be happy or find happiness. I am not sure how I got to this point. Some may tell me that I am better off than many people; and it may be so, but it doesn’t matter in the end, because in the end, my “status” of being better off than some is completely taken over by my feelings of failure and under-achievement. If I die at the dentist’s chair tomorrow while getting my wisdom teeth out, I pray to the Universe that it happens while I am not aware of it. I truly feel that I have tried my best, given the ¬†circumstances of my life, to be the best human being I can possibly have been. I have tried my best with myself, my friends, and my family. I could have done a lot better, but I feel that I did the best I could within my abilities.

So dear me, I am sorry that we did not succeed in our personal conquests of attaining wealth. I am sorry that we have subjected ourselves to the endless poison that is produced by other gay men. I am sorry that I have put us through pain, misery, disillusionment, anger, sadness, defeat, and disappointment. It brings me solace to know that this has all been done with the best intentions; and that the outcome for most of these situations could not have been predicted. I am sorry that we have failed at being independent and of being capable of living life on our own, without having to deal with economic support from family. Here is to a life that was supposed to be different; to a life, which I have tried, to keep under control and to lead with a sense of stability, calmness, and consistency. I am sorry that I have failed…and for this, I am ready to move on to the next plain of existence within the dimensions of the Universe, if there is such a thing. But if there isn’t, the conundrum of not experiencing eternal bliss will have to do.

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