Last night I went to a concert and it was an amazing, vibrant experience. I made sure to submerge myself as much as possible in this extraordinay experience of the senses. A good time was had by all and it was a wonderful night for music, laughter, and friends.

Trumpcare was killed yesterday and the night was full of celebration. No further thoughts on this; a major victory for the people.

I am in the last straw of my relationship; I don’t want to be the one that runs away, but if he does not put effort to do more things that I like to do rather than me doing everything he suggests, I am going to walk away. I really hope he can pull it together because my brother’s wedding is in July and he has been invited. He has been making small progress in being educated about diversity so I am happy.

Finally started again at my old job and it was as if I never left. Was welcomed back with open arms and once again, the tomfoolery of being involved in other people’s lives begins.

Nothing went according to plan. This morning I found out that I was ratted on. I logged on into my timesheet and saw that the times were edited. Caught and exposed. No matter. I decided then and there that I would quit Monday…and then I pondered about the awkwardness that would result if I went into the building that day and ran into the boss. Not good; an akward situation. That is why she supposedly had a meeting in the same place I was going to be in on Monday…I was going to be warned. I consulted with a co-worker before making a decision, and was told that the warning was going to come down hard on me. Not if I can help it. The decision was made to enter the building today, drop off work property, and collect my personal belongings. So I did. The only fact I was not counting on was that the alarm went off and I did not have the code. My body flew into fight or flight. I sent a savage resignation latter, copied her boss, and a staff from HR. I collected my few personal belongings and ran out the back door, galloping down the frozen steel stairway, and jumped into the waiting car downstairs. Like a scene from a movie. My mouth and lips were as dry as the desert. And with that, this short, insignificant period of my life ended.
Karma is going to assault the cunt that ratted on me; I still recognize that this was also my fault, but still, I had her back. Too bad she did not have mine. Her current sufferings are only preludes of what is to come.

Next week, I will find out what the fallout from today will be. I have two contacts that are going to let me know…but this is only for curiosity. Nothing is going to affect me. Nothing in that building was taken. So to the firemen hoping for some action and mystery; sorry to disappoint. My conscience is clean.

Although we now have been screwed out of half a paycheck, it will not be significant enough for any major set backs. We are still on track to end this debt war by the end of June. Three more months of struggles and it will all be worth it. I much rather have had it end in March, but at this hour of dejection, I’ll take any tiny ray of light that I can foresee in the future.

Good riddance.

What happened today? I’ll tell you what happened today. Next week is my last week at my current job. I haven’t told them anything, only two co-workers know. I plan on writing a candid letter next Friday, and sending it to my boss and a human resource staff. That will partly expose them for the crooks that they are; I won’t go too much into details because I don’t want to become involved in a possible legal situation, but my honesty should be enough to set off a bomb after I leave. But anyway, today, I could not stand being there anymore, and I refused to become an unofficial salesman and attempt to have people tell me what their electronic address is, so that was not going to happen. I lied and said that I would be in a different building doing just that; asking poor people to give me their e-mails to boost the numbers of this tyranical health center up so that the higher ups can take all the credit. Isn’t that how America works anyway? But today, it did not work out that way.
What I wasn’t counting on is that one of my co-workers decided to pay a visit to the place I was supposed to be in and asked my other co-worker where I was. Bless her; she covered for me and said she didn’t know where I was…but nevertheless, the jig was up. This was half hour later after I left. What I found curious right now is that she didn’t text me or call me; she has my personal number. So why didn’t she? Why didn’t she contact me? Did she feel the need to wash her hands and let her boss, our boss, know that this was something that she should handle? Is this something that her brain could not take on because she has other problems going on in her life? Well I’ll tell you something; nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to go back to school. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to take this stressful job. Nobody put a fucking fun on her head and force her to date the man she is always bitching about. Fun tidbit about this latter fact; she once told me that sometimes our minds tell us to stay in relationships even though we know that they are not good for us. So what is she doing? She is staying in one that is not good for her, but she spends all day posting stupid shit posts on instagram about infidelity, relationships, school, and other topics that are not worthy of mentioning here.
All suspicion aside, if she told my boss that I was nowhere to be found, there is something to be said that the boss just so happens to have a meeting in the same office I am going to be working in, which wouldn’t be my home office. If I were her, I would be smart not to rat me out, because since I am going out either way, I will go out dropping several truth bombs and granades as I make my exit. Does she want to get thrown under a bus? She does not. But since she probably isn’t smart, she may have already lit my fuse. Only Monday will tell.
Either way, I am happy. Happy because no matter what happens, this next week is going to be my last week in that hell. It was an honest mistake on my part in going there. Nothing could have warned me of the bullshit that I have endured since I started December. If this was foretold, I would have never left my previous job. I gave up a lot of freedom to come to where I currently am, thinking that it would provide an opportunity for growth and development. Instead, I have stumbled upon idiots who call themselves supervisors and hold Doctorate degrees that should have never been handed out and revoked immediately. I would like to know why someone with a PhD makes spelling errors often and does not know how to be professional while treating their subordinates with respect. Well, soon enough, that is going to backfire on them. My candid letter, although not a kick below the belt, is going to make an impact. At least I would like to think so, because at this point, all human resource jobs should be eliminated. Nothing ever gets done. In any case, I will have the last word. Because what I think of these people and this self indulging agency cannot truly be put into words, so instead, I am going to make sure that a magnifying glass is placed on them.

So yeah, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It will be a year tomorrow since she left this world. It’s weird to think about…what have I exactly done in that year? Life seems like a blur when it’s thought about…so many things have happened, but that phone call seems as if it happened just last month. But alas, it will be a year tomorrow. The plan is to have a normal day; go about work routines, get home, and get ready for Valentine’s day dinner with my boyfriend. Of course I am going to be thinking of her tomorrow, more than ever. I’m not sure that there has been a day that I did not think about her since she left this world. There may have been a few days here and there where she was completely off my mind…and when I think about the question of “What have you learned since? How have things changed since that day?”, the answer that comes to mind is that, although the existential crisis continued all through most of the year, life was lived to the fullest. Went on road trips, took another vacation, experimented sexually like never before, did not take any day for granted, and inhaled every single experience that I was able to create. That is her parting gift to me; that life is to be enjoyed with its fullest potential. Yes, fragments of the crisis still linger, but I have come out of this stage of my life stronger and with a deeper appreciation for experiences. The need for material possessions has vastly diminished. More emphasis has been placed on food, traveling, nature, peace, yoga, family, and friends.

It is a certainty that a range of emotions are going to be flowing through me tomorrow, but this is only normal. My anxiety over Valentine day’s dinner does not help the ocasion. In the end, everything is going to be ok. Tomorrow, frankly speaking, will just be another day. Thank you for making me learn that the lesson from your passing was to enjoy life to its fullest. Rest in peace, and let me be at peace.

Things are taking a turn down the “What is happening?” lane. Last week was one of the worst weeks I have had in a while…and the weekends? It’s very painful to recall the events. My boyfriend and I nearly broke up…and I felt so much pain and hurt…emotions that I hadn’t felt since my friend passed away last Valentine’s day. Fortunately, we were able to resolve our isues. Still, it was stressful and not pleasant.

Snow has finally begun to fall as it should during winter…although, we still have been having a “dry” season for a lack of better word. No matter how much I may detest the cold, I will never cease to enjoy the wintry sceneries after snow falls. Last night, after getting home, I stood outside for quite some time admiring the peace, stillness, and calm. Small snowflakes began to fall, and I deeply admired the white landscape in the cold, dark night. Moments such as these are precious and at times, rare. The hustle and bustle of life continues, but one must make sure to find oneself immersed in these moments of complete calm and stillness. That is one of the very few escapes that we have left from the turmoil of the world.

There is a rule that I have always put in place for myself: Never go back to previous jobs. Yet, here I find myself going for a meeting next Friday to plead my case and hope that they take me back. The situation at my current job has become unbearable. Hostile supervisors, unhappy co-workers, unrealistic expectations, broken operation systems, and maniacal agency leaders. This is not a place where I am going to be happy. Sure, I was not 100% happy at my previous job (are we ever?), but in contrast, it was a much better fit for me. The life and work balance was an aspect that I took for granted. I am going to do everything possible to make sure that they take me back. Wondering down the road of any other possibility is certainly not an option, and will not be considered.

This weekend is going to be my escape from the hell that is endured during the work week. But soon, it will be different…and so I pray. I continue to learn about life and people as I get older.

I did not go to my friend’s memorial. I suspect that my friend is highly annoyed with my decision not to go…but I stand by this decision and it was the best course of action. I did not want to relive any memories after having had a difficult week; and that is my right. I have not heard from her for an entire week. Some are saying that this is not a true friend. I concur; and so do my dreams. Last night, a dream took place in which a heated telephone call between us took place. It seemed very real…perhaps a projection of the future? Nevertheless, I will wait for contact.

Eagerly awaiting the end of the month; will be back to steady financial gains and no significant debts to be paid. After that, it should be a smooth journey into Spring, Summer, and to achieve my goals of eradicating debt completely from my name. The future looks exciting, but as always, uncertain.

JUST FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE. AND FUCK THIS SOCIETY AND SYSTEM TOO. FUCK YOU.

I am writing today because I want to document how happy I am and feel. The purpose of writing is not to always document the times of sadness, despair, and torments. It is also vital to documents the moments when we feel happy; for some of us, there are not many.
But tonight, the vibes are different. I am immersing myself in emotions and all sorts of stimuli to enhance my living experience. It is a wonderful, present moment that defines infinity at its purest form. What a beautiful and rare event. It is so important to count the blessings every single day. Yes, the routines might be in place for quite sometime, but in those moments, the task is to stay focused on the good things. The task if to stay focused on the possibilities of the future while loving the seconds of the present. This is a beautiful way to live. I have been to the bottom of the abyss; and as they say, the only way to go is upwards and outwards. I am very proud of the accomplishments that I have carried out for myself in such short time…some people take years to achieve their goals…perhaps even a lifetime. But my goals are being met, slowly, but surely in a rapid manner.

So a moment of happiness and cheer for all of the good things to come in the future. It does get better; they were not lying after all. It does get better for a lot of us…and in a world where injustices and cruelty take place, this is a comforting fact. Not everyone can be saved, and not all of us will make it to the end. But to those of us that do, it is an important piece of evidence that the Universe works in strange ways. This cannot be explained.

I have been in a slightly better mood. This past week, our boss decided to act like a complete bitch. What ensured was constant complaining from other staff…non stop. It was horrible; they would not shut up about it. All I did was to listen. If a bomb were to drop regarding this, I know that I would not only have a clear conscience, but know that I did not partake in the festivities of bad mouthing her.

The weekend was fun; spent it with my boyfriend and we had a great time together. Now, another work week begins tomorrow. I confessed to him that I did not like my job…I was not going to lie to him when he asked me if I did. However, the main focus right now is money. There will always be better opportunities in the future.

Confidence grows that there is a chance that life can get better. There will always be struggles and obstacles, but it is up to us to figure out a way to make it through those obstacles and to become better people. Thanks to my boyfriend, I am a more positive person. There are times when depression returns, and some days are difficult, but everyone has days like that. It is OK. As long as there are friends and family as a support system, things can improve greatly.

More to follow…not much else is new because the routine that is being lived week by week brings nothing new to write about. This could very well be a blessing for quite sometime.

More and more bullshit. Trying to modify my loan payments so I can save up faster and pay them off quicker.

S showed me an invitation to our dead friend’s memorial early in February. I can’t believe it’s already been a year since her passing…It feels like a time warp. Sad.

Work continues to be dull…the project is going to be picking up in the next month so they are scheduling more nonsense meetings…and I should like to say that my patience is running short. I shamelessly left early today.

The sun will not come out again until next Thursday, so say the outlets, but why believe them at this point? Like the news outlets, most of their predictions are lies.

Death continues to torment me….no, let it be clarified, the thought of death continues to torment me. I cried last night, but they were bittersweet tears for the beautiful moments that I spend with my family and friends…moments that are not eternal. But the best point of action is to avoid another existential crisis. This cannot be afforded at this time…nor at any time in the future.

Continuing to struggle with a tug of war to obtain insurance information, the staff are so unbelievably incompetent that it would bring me great satisfaction to fire them all, one by one. But that responsability belongs to the CEO. What a CEO indeed.

Have been thinking about grad school, but nothing truly awakes my passion. I know that I should have gone to fashion school, that is the only passion that I know could be turned into a paycheck. At the same time, part of me does not care that it is a completely materialistic way of life. It makes me happy, and if it is not hurting anyone, why should it be wrong? But I think that it is too late at this point. I have no financial means to do it…and this is not an excuse to not follow through, but merely stating of facts which explain why it is not possible. Looks like I am on my way to wasting life. But I won’t be the first, nor the last.

More bullshit to follow, surely. Trying to stay humored through it all.

Started to buy lottery tickets. It’s amusing to me that in the show I am currently watching, the character always has the same predicaments in each season: delusional, with broken dreams and jaded hopes about her future…fighting against the impossible and the odds. This is how my life is going at the moment.

I began to write an entry at work this morning, but realized that since my device is not immune from the prying eyes of administrators, I deleted it. It was a fine piece…filled with petty complaints and questions of purpose and meaning. The typical bullshit I write about.

I’m starting to wonder if relationships are for me. So much easier being a whore, but the energy that it takes out of you is a truly negative experience. Still. What am I doing right now? The truth is, that I don’t know what I am doing with my life. The prospect of being wealthy is dead, so now, like every other slave and victim of capitalism, must focus on money and not the quality of the job. They say to find something you love and turn it into a paycheck, but it makes me laugh, because the majority of the world simply cannot afford to do this.

The weather was nice today. In the 50s. What a delightful surprise. Yet, today I feel drained. Maybe I will go to bed early today. What am I writing about today, anway?

A voice in my head keeps telling me to “just try” to be positive and be vigilant of changes. But does it take more energy to be positive than negative? Consider the reality of life, and maybe this is why I can’t be optimistic. Wish that I had the answers to everything. Don’t you?