Just feels like I’m not real. Nothing in this life or experience is real. I want to run away from everything forever. I don’t want to deal with the daily bullshit of life anymore. No matter how “perfect” my life may seem like, there will always be bullshit to deal with. I don’t want to be negative, I don’t want to dwell on the bad things, what good will it do? It won’t do good. I can’t focus on it anymore. But I can’t hide from something that is bothering me. I have to let it out because it will eat me inside if I don’t.

Do I obsess a lot about doing activities all the time? I wasn’t always like this, but when my friend died last year, I realized how I wasn’t really living my life. So I planned more and more things to keep myself busy, have new experiences, and get to know the world across the borders of the place I live in. I was never like this, although I did wish I could do more with my life. I don’t want to live in regret at the end of the day, wishing that I had done more with my life. Sure money can be a barrier at times, but there are ways around it right? I’m over society. I want to research why things are so difficult now. Underneath all the superficial shit we see every single day, there are a lot of problems going on that people hide and don’t broadcast. If you think I’m lying, get a job as a social worker or case manager and you will see what I mean. On the surface, things seem fine, but there is always a story. No matter how rich or poor. No matter how much someone smiles or frowns. Everything on the surface is a lie. I’m just tired of the way things are…tired of the way the world is run by the rich, powerful people that only care about themselves.

That’s why I wanted to isolate myself from everything. And everyone. But isolating myself from people didn’t work too well. I needed interactions to be healthy. That’s why a part of me doesn’t want to move to the mountains in Vermont if I was single. I know that at the end of the day I would need contact with other people. I just wish things were different. My friend told me that they were probably moving to Florida and I just lost it inside. I became depressed and sad that I am stuck in this shit. Yes I really am stuck. I haven’t finished paying for school. I don’t live on my own yet, and I have to finish the year at my job because I really want to leave (whenever that will be) with a good impression and besides, I need the references. But I have a boyfriend now and that is another reason I can’t just pick up and go. Would it be really shallow of me to end the relationship because I am not happy here? One thing that I have learned is that happiness is not a pursuit that lies in another place; it lies within. I could move across the world and still experience the same demons that I experience here. That’s because the demons live inside of me. But really…would it be not prudent to end a relationship because I want to move somewhere else? What if I don’t end up liking the type of men that live there? I honestly don’t really trust people anymore. The only reason that I trust my current boyfriend now, I guess it’s because a part of me, deep inside, really believes him when he said that he wasn’t like other guys. Still, it’s hard to be with him sometimes because he does not share the same spirit of adventure that I do. And believe me, I don’t want to engage in anything crazy either. I don’t want to rock climb or sky dive, but I want to have pleasant trips here and there. I love him so much. It would devastate me if I lost him…but how much is enough? I guess couples don’t do everything together. Do they? What is the point of a relationship? This is something that we made up. Like everything in this world that is made up…life is made up. I really do know that he is different than many guys I have met through the years. Looking back through my entries the last 7 years, one of the common themes in those entries is the desire to have a boyfriend. And now that we have one, he is not ideal for me. I admit it. He isn’t. But is anything ever perfect? Is anything ever ideal? My dad told me we will always seek for that perfection that does not exist. I am sure that to him, I am also not perfect. I am sure that there are things about me that he wishes I had but I don’t. Isn’t that human nature? Never to be satisfied with anything? Is that why the rich people only want more money even after they have it all? But this doesn’t mean that I have to be ungrateful. I don’t want to be ungrateful. I want to be grateful of things that I have. And I really should practice gratitude more often. I admit of being guilty of not doing so. It just gets so hard sometimes…seeing everyone move on to bigger and better things. Well, not everyone, but a lot of people. This is another reason why I keep to myself at times, and do not have a large group of friends. It’s because I know that as humans, we can’t help but to compare our lives to those of others. So the less people I know, the less probability of that happening. That’s another reason why I deleted Facebook and have never looked back since. Still, it’s hard for things like this not to seep through on instagram, which, I don’t have a lot of friends on that one either.

I still want to run away from everything forever. I don’t think that I was meant for this world. I try so hard not to think about my life or my existence because I know that the end result will be insanity and panic attacks. So I just try to keep my mind off of it by doing other stuff instead. But my mind has this fucking tendency to wonder and it’s really fucking annoying as fuck. It has gotten a bit better over time, but still, I suffer from this. And I just can’t help it. My mind is really its own thing, a separate thing from my wishes and desires. I don’t want my mind to run me, but I also have to pay attention to my needs too.

I am not going out tonight at all, once more. I don’t want to spend money that I am supposed to be setting aside to finish paying school and moving out. It’s whatever. This is the life that I was dealt. I am not asking for pity. I am not writing this to express ingratitude. I am writing this because this is one of my few outlets and god knows I would go crazy without writing. I am glad that I am getting back to doing so. I love typing so much and it just feels very therapeutic to get everyone out while listening to the sounds of the keyboard at the same time. There is something very calming about this. Technology…it owns us now. I suppose people of the past did well with hand writing, but this is so much faster and it does not tire out my hands. Anyway, I am just going off on a random rant. See? My mind wondering again even when I type. Absurd.

I just feel myself going into depression. Like I feel depressed right now. And it’s just dissatisfaction with life. It’s so hard for me to be like…so hard for me to be grateful. But why? What has to happen for me to change that? Always focusing on what I don’t have and on what could be better. But I’m just impatient. And today I was talking to my other friend and told her “I don’t know about life,” and she just said “I’m just floating,” and I just realized that I am too. Most of us are floating by because things already are as difficult as they are. I know that sitting in darkness in my room isn’t the best of things…and I probably should have gone to the gym today, but like. I didn’t. I want to change my life but I just don’t know how. And I see people going for what they want and I’m just sitting here doing what I THINK is the best thing for me, but I can’t help to compare at the end of the day. I fucking hate it. I don’t want to do that anymore…but it feels like an automatic action at this fucking point. I just want to sleep. I slept a lot last night and was disappointed when I woke up, because I didn’t want to wake up. I wanted to keep sleeping and sleeping. And I didn’t even want to go to fucking work today. Thank god that my only visit canceled for the day because I just wasn’t in the fucking mood for that shit. Life listened to my prayers today. Whatever.

Until later.

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