To whoever gives a fuck:

Pray for me; my neuroticism is killing me inside. I feel like my life is not goin anywhere; let’s all be real, I could sit here and plan everything out, but things may not go the way that they are planned because this is a fact of life. I hate that I am so negative and focusing on all of these horrible things, I truly do. I do not do this for fun, or because it is pleasurable, but because I think that there is  a part of me that is truly broken and there is nothing that I can do to fix this. I have been this way ever since I came of age.

I am thinking that maybe my boyfriend is not the right one for me because of the way he dressed and because of the way he was brought up. But then I texted my friend a list of things that were positive about him and when I sat back, I could see that this list of positive things was long compared to the short text of two things that I sent him prior. It is a dumb and petty reason for breaking up with someone…but at the same time, I can’t help it that it bothers me. I have tried so hard to be open minded and tolerant of this, but at the end of the day, it is a fact that I can’t ignore. Why? It is a very superficial reason to leave a relationship. He has been very understanding and tolerant of me. He could have easily broken up with me a while ago because I am also never going to be like me, but I can see that he has faught for this. He has stuck around and not run away like the others. He tries to bring out the best in me by making sure that I am not being negative or sucking the fun out of things. He is not like any other guy that I have met before. All of the others have ran away. Today, when I asked him why he has not run away like the others, he told me that he believes that people can change for the better. I asked him if he could see if I was changing for the better, and he said that he did. He said that he knows I am a good person and do want to change.
My heart is telling me to stay with him, but my mind is telling me to break up with him. I know that if I broke up with him, I would miss him so much. I would deeply miss his presence and having someone who understands me be there for me. I would really miss his funny jokes and funny moments. I would miss his cute kisses and cuddles. I would miss someone whipping me into shape and putting energy into making me a better person. I would feel lost without him. I have finally realized that I do not miss sleeping around anymore. He has made me realize that such life only leads to deceit and doom. I have learned so much about myself by being with him. Emotionally, he is what I want in a relationship; he is loyal, honest, and kind. I really don’t think that he wants to be mean to me like his mother says. At the same time, his exterior is not something that I want. The way he dresses, his interests, the way he conducts himself at times. I personally find it ironic and interesting, because in my last short term relationship, the person was completely what I wanted on the outside, but inside, he wasn’t as romantic and nurturing as I would have liked him to be. There is a quote that says we will get what we want, but not in the form that we are expecting it. I firmly believe that this is one of those examples. He is something that I want, emotionally, in a form that I was not expecting it. It does not make him a bad person for being the way that he is; I never thought that. We are humans and we are going to be flawed forever. I do not hold anything against him, nor do I recent him for not having the same interests that I have. To do so would be insane and unfair. He could have easily left me a while ago for someone more like him, but he didn’t; and he hasn’t. Someone who puts the effort and time that he has put into a relationship, to me, is someone who is worth my time. And above all, he is very patient with me. He is more understanding and patient with me than any other guy that I have met before. My mind knows what needs to be done, but my heart is crying crimson tears because it does not want to do what the mind wants. Part of me is hopeful that maybe, over time, things will change. I know that he will not change as a person, but maybe certain things will change as we “rub off” on each other. He has even said so himself. I don’t want to say that I hate the situation I am in, but it is very difficult. He has been good to me and he is very wise about a lot of things. He can call me out on anything and not be mean about it. We are both sensitive people who understand each other. I just don’t know what I am going to do. This has been bothering me for some time now. When I  see him and we spend time together, all of these feelings and doubts go away. But when we are apart, they return to haunt me. Today, those feelings did not go away when I was with him. I can say that I know my heart would be broken if we parted ways. His would be too. I would miss the essence of him. His presence in my life…it would be a true loss. Do I want to do this for the superficial reasons that bother me? My father told me that I have to feel “somewhat comfortable” in being with him. Sometimes, I do not feel this way. I hate myself for it. I know that I can’t blame myself for feeling this way, after all, my feelings are valid too, are they not? But I hate that I am feeling this way about someone who has, overall, been very good and kind to me, considering the nuisance that my neuroticism and I have put him through. It’s not about wanting to please others, it’s about taking everything into consideration and then making a decision. My mind made its decision, but my heart is not wavering. A sense of deep sadness comes over me…part of me feels like I have to take care of him, and yet, I know that he would be ok on his own. He is a tough cookie, as he says. I believe him. And even though I have gone through my own fair share of trauma, as we all do, am I a tough cookie? Can I say that about myself?
It’s hurtful when he says things such as sometimes thinking that I am not 100% happy with him because of how different he is from me. It breaks my heart into a billion pieces when I have to hear him say things like that…but the truth is that he is right. Then again, are we ever 100% happy with someone? Nobody is perfect, no two people are exactly alike. With me, I am trying my best to see the positive sign of things and not let the very few negatives ruin anything. Sometimes I feel like a monster when I am texting my friend about this situation, right in front of him. I am not out to hurt anyone. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I know that we cannot go through life with this false expectation. This is my first real, mature relationship, and prior, I just didn’t think about being with someone. Sure, I was still lonely at the end of the day, and I met many guys whom I had no connections with, even if their traits were desirable. How is it that I made a connection with someone whom I am not so much alike? How is it that he made a connection with someone like me, who is not so much like him? He told me, not along ago, that he fell for who I am on the inside. That goes on to show me that he also may be struggling with how I am externally, those same petty reasons that I have talked about. Yet, he hasn’t run away. He is not the type to waste time, and he is direct about things. I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone quite like him again. Is that what is holding my heart back? Fear? Not fear of being single…maybe fear of losing the essence of him. Maybe it’s fear or never finding someone quite like him. Could it be that perhaps my last relationship was fine, but my negativity turned it to dust? Could it be that he made up a lie that he was never going to be affectionate or supportive, in a nurturing and romantic way, to cover up the fact that he did not see a future with me? Was he the one that got away? No. I don’t think he was; but he did come very close to someone who I would 100% be happy with, well, at least 95%. At the end of the day, my feelings for him fizzled out, and I got over the break up quickly.
But this relationship has been very different for me. We have had some hurdles along the way, but he has always remained very optimistic about things. I feel that maybe I am beginning to change for the better, and that having him as a mirror to see myself in has been a complete blessing to me. But even still, the topic of being too different and “am I the right guy for you?” have been ocurring often. I no longer know what to do. And I no longer know, in retrospect, what to do with myself, nor my life. I feel like I have become a more neurotic person ever since my friend died. I hate that this has been the main theme of this year. And while I am not going to speak about it anymore, it did, and still does, play a central role in the development of my thoughts and actions, but mainly thoughts. I guess I just don’t know what to do with my life…I get so wrapped up in my own thoughts, a fact that he has mentioned to me, that I feel like I truly am lost at sea. I have no desire to meet new people, what is there to tell them about? What triumphs have we achieved? I pretend that everything is ok on the outside, but truly, on the inside, I am falling apart. I have no idea why my mind works the way it does, and I have no idea why I think the way I do, or have these abnormal thoughts about things. I am not sure why my mind runs, and I have no idea when it began to run like this. I wish it would shut the fuck up. No matter how much yoga I do, no matter how much xanax or klonopin I take, no matter how many books I read, and no matter how many hours I spend with nature or sleeping, the mind resumes to its overspeeding functioning. Do you blame me for wishing I was dead? I don’t. I am fucking mess.

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