November it’s here. It’s difficult for me to imagine that the year is almost over. It’s almost difficult to imagine, that soon, a year will have passed since her passing. When I think about all of the things that I have done this year, all of my trips, activities, and work related activities, it makes sense that the year has gone by quicky. At the same time, it does not feel this way. Perhaps, sometime during the summer, I lost myself in a world of fantasy, and ignored the fact that my mental health was taking a terrible toll. Maybe this was a brief period of tranquility, which mystifies me. I know that thoughts must be changed to those of happiness.

Yoga rates for last month were terrible. I have to do a better job this month and try my best to do a lot more…October was busy. There is nothing more that I look forward to than to do yoga on the beach, every day, once I go away on vacation to the island. I did yoga yesterday, for the first time in 4 days, and it felt wonderful. It was very refreshing to feel that peace, that inner happiness, and tranquility that comes with the exercise.

Frustrations continue to overcome me regarding finances…and maybe the process of paying off the loans will be delayed for a month or two. There are tough, pressing questions that I have to ask myself regarding what to do with the significant amount of money that will be saved. Should it all be gone in one swing to get rid of the student debt, forever? Should I save it and continue to pay loans, as if nothing was happening, until they are paid off when I am in my late 30s (if I even get to that age)? The initial plan now is to pay them off and work at this new job for a year…save up as much as possible and see where things go with my new relationship. I am not going to be stuck living in the future anymore, I am only going to focus on the present moment and enjoy things as they are. My mistake was to wish for things to come by quickly, while forgetting to live in the present moment. Perhaps this is something that many people struggle with…always wishing for a better tomorrow instead of making the best out of today. It is such an important, yet overlooked aspect of life. Enjoy what we have today so that we may enjoy what we have tomorrow…if we still have it.

There are two final trips to be made before the year ends. After this, I will take some time to rest and re-think the present situation…but not too much. Thinking about things too much brings despair.

Predictions are in regarding winter; sheer cold but not too much snow. I prefer the snow over the cold, but perhaps this is for the best. I wonder if this will be my last winter in this place. I have stopped wondering about those things…each year that I have stated wanting to leave this place, I end up being stuck here. So no more energies left to ponder about that, but to focus on current plans and to make sure that goals are met.

Work has been keeping me busy, despite a low case count. This is the busiest I have been in a very long time…how interesting. In any case, a part of me will not miss being a social worker. I am tangled up in my own life to be tangled up in the deeper struggles of others. It can be draining…and this is something that I do not need at the moment. I need all the energies I can muster to continue to navigate life and address the challenges that will come my way…and challenges will come. But I am a strong person, and I hope that through these writings, someone will benefit. Even if it is just one person, then I have made a significant difference. This is the way that I like to think about things. No more time for negativity, it has drained me and deeply affected those around me. I no longer want to harm those people. I no longer want to harm myself. I no longer want to live the life of depression and anxiety. It was dark, bleak, and gray. But now, it’s time to see colors. Yes, difficult days will come, but it is up to my thoughts to decide how to react to those difficult days. It is also important to remember that things could always be so much worse, and that there are many across the globe who would love to trade places with me, even for a couple of hours. I am very fortunate for what I have, and thankful to the Universe for providing me with what I have today. Some may say that my existence was random, and even if they are correct, it still does not take away the fact that I am thankful for everything that I have in this life…for my family and friends that care about me and want me to be well. Yes, the Universe has blessed me. Even if tomorrow is time to return to the Earth, it does not take away the fact that I am lucky to have what I have.