I’m truly trying my best to focus on the good stuff. like my new job, great family and friends. my anxiety comes sometimes, but i really can’t be a pill popper forever. yoga does help, but i feel like its only in the moment. i wish i could go back to the gym to exercise but tbh 30$ a month is annoying and the only time i would be able to go is during evening after work and that won’t work b.c 1) too tired and 2) too many damn people at that hour.

I’m going day by day, not trying to think about things. just doing the things that i need to do at work. during downtime i read my book, and when I’m home i do chores and other stuff on my iPad or mac.

my relationship with my bf was tumultuous this last week and we almost broke up twice. i really truly care about him, i love that he is kind, funny, honest, loyal, and treats me right. idk if he is the one for me…but it has only been 2 months (not even two months yet) and its just way too early to know anything. I’m just trying to focus on having a good time with him. I’m not sure. i feel like…no feelings inside. no happiness no sadness nothing. maybe i am broken. maybe i do have that rare disease where people just can’t feel anything.

maybe i am meant to be alone and not in a relationship. never mind that we are different in some aspects, that can be worked around. i think my mistake in the beginning was placing too much importance in that. as we go along, the disagreements are very few.

i just don’t know anymore. I’m doing what i am ‘supposed to be doing’ with life but it has not gotten me far. yes i will be done paying off school early next year and i will have more freedom, but i am still stuck here at home. its not like thats a horrible thing, but it is time that i got my own space. i really just want to move away to florida. but i know miami is just too much money i could never afford that. I’m left lost because idk anyone that i would room with. so its like I’m stuck in this limbo. right now I’m just trying to focus on the short term goals which is start my new job and pay off school, but after that, i am going to feel so fucking lost. some say ‘oh you will figure it out.’ but the truth is that i really just don’t know what to do with my life or with myself…and i don’t want to be that person that reaches 40 and lives with their parents. the worst nightmare of all. i love my parents, but it really is time for me to leave. the only miracle that can save me, and i say miracle because only a miracle could make it happen, is my aunt’s project which will start again next october. otherwise, a lame life is all i will ever know.