My birthday is on Friday. I don’t want to think about it; I cried hard last year. Birthdays are no longer fun when we get older…this is really happening. Trying to close my eyes and pretend otherwise does not help. Massive anxiety last night…took an entire pill to calm it. The debate was a sick spectacle, did not make it past the half hour mark. My mind cannot take it.

B is unhappy with his boyfriend. It is very evident his mind is made up about it, but, like all of us, he is scared to be alone. Isn’t it amazing? The nonsense and disappointments that we put up with in order to not be alone. And the attention we used to get when we were single means nothing when we go to sleep at night. We are willing to lower our standards at the cost of not being lonely. I too, miss being single and having the freedom to whoever I want whenever the opportunity presents itself. We cannot know if someone is “The one” for us from a short term experience. Either way, I do not believe in the concept of “the one”. Monogamy is a social construct, like much else in life. Just because we have took ourselves out of the wildnerness does not mean that the wilderness has been taken out from us. Look at the world we have created; in an attempt to combat the nonsense of existence, we have created culture, which in itself makes no sense either because it is an illusion. We all lose.

What I care about the most right now is paying off my debt and having many opportunities to connect with nature. Society and its nonsense have no appeal to me whatsoever.