He lied about having a record. I searched his name on the registry and he has an eviction from May…under the name of his ex. I googled it and did some investigations and it is his ex because I found his mother’s obituary. I know that looking into someone’s past is just that…looking into the past, and that we should focus on who they are now. But I dislike the lies. Sure, we all have our secrets and moments that we are not proud of…and we cannot force people to open up about things that may embarrass them…but he told me to my face that he has no records. It’s not a criminal record, but a record nevertheless. And he said he has been single for a long, long time, and I do believe that part. But the proof stands in the record that I saw on the state database…it was his ex that was also facing eviction with him.

Relationships are very complicated. The person takes with them their baggage of the past. We all have baggage. I don’t care what people say or think; we all have something in our past that we are not proud of. I don’t expect perfection; that is just an illusion. I am not proud of what I have done with my life. If I only knew that studying psychology would get me nowhere, I would have done something different. But at the end of the day, I am not sure that it would have matter because of my strong disadvantage over math and science; the careers that pay the most. But still, at the end of the day, perhaps it is a huge expectation to want people to be truly transparent about their past. I still feel that I have nothing to hide with him, I have been as open as I could be. Yes, there are dark secrets he will never know, but those are not the type of secrets that could affect socieconomic status. Why do I worry so much about that? I feel lost…that I have made a mess of my life, feeling stuck and without hope in a desolate state. The future is unheard of, and they say that the key to a happy life is to accept that we are not in control. Maybe we are in control of the smaller things, but the bigger things are out of reach. This morning, I woke up not caring if I died or not…but yesterday, it was quite the different story. How quickly my thoughts change…it all depends on my mood. But my expecations have hit the ceiling, and while that is not a bad thing, it is just not realistic. My brain says “Sure there is a successful man out there for you,” but I know that he does not live here. I have talked to perhaps two of them. Having been here for all these years, it is safe to say that after all the men I have met and all the awkward dates and hook ups I have gone through, there is no hope for finding someone ideal here. Yes, life is not ideal, but at the same time, one has their expectations. Is that not true? All that I wanted was someone with an interest in culture, and financial success…not wealthy (would not be opposed to this), but financial success worthy enough of independence. I am not there myself. Those type of men do not live here; they are mostly losers with no real interests who have no ambition and have given up at achieving independence. At least I still have my ambitions and aspirations…and nobody can take those away from me.

Perhaps things are moving faster than I think they are…but at the same time, a slowness seems to dominate the air. Could it be my impatience? It could be. This year has not been easy, yet it seems like it went by fast. Although there has been mention of it going at a decent pace, noticeably better than years past. Going into next year, there is only one goal that is within sight. But the rest, it all remains a deep mystery. I continue to live in the age of uncertainty, and while things have somewhat stabilized, I find myself wanting bigger and better things for myself, things are not within reach in this place. I have found total happiness in the trips and connections with nature that I have made this year. This happiness was unlike anything experienced before, and there was a true sense of connection with the forests, the ocean, the mountains, the road, and with my true friends. So is this what life wants from me? It is perplexing, as Winter draws nearer and nearer, where will the source of happiness come from? Life really is too short, and those moments of feeling connected to nature are far too precious to pass by. For it is in those moments that I have felt more alive than ever before. It is in those moments where I have felt truly at home. And as rich as they are, the constant reminder of financial independence continues to loom over me. I ask: would it be easier to sleep with the stars than to continue this tragically beautiful lunacy?

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