Nothing exciting. My brother confessed to me he was having suicidal thoughts but continues to take medication and see a therapist. Things did not get better when he went missing for almost an entire day yesterday…parents had a fit. If they only knew what he told me…Normally I would not worry, but after he told me that it did not help the cause. When he finally turned up, he told me he was thankful that I offered an hear for him and that I was trying to make our relationship work, but that he would continue to talk to his therapist and girlfriend. So, in other words, “Thanks, but no thanks.” It’s how it is.

Rejection emails continue to arrive. The Universe must be really wanting to communicate with me, “Get out of this place, stop searching here.” Comical at this point.

Rough weekend; more arguments with my boyfriend. He continued to psyche me out by asking me “Do you really want to, are you really into me, etc. etc”. But he apologized for this; a moment of anger and frustration from my inability to stay aroused. He asked if I had touched myself earlier on, and I said no. A little white lie. He was worried that I was not aroused by him, but that is not the case. All in all, it blew over and the issue was resolved. Going with the flow and not worrying. But it is difficult to find men that care and show intimacy and are nurturing.

J wants me to visit Boston, in accordance to my wishes when I last saw her in Newport. This will probably happen late October. Have not decided if it will be a day trip or weekend stay. The air of Fall has settled in and the nights grow cold. The last few crickets of Autumn have begun their song…a clear sign that summer has finally ended. My heart is heavy with sorrow, yearning for the long summer days in Rhode Island and Cape Cod; what a marvelous season I had. It was wonderful while it lasted.

Thoughts of death and dying continue…but what else can I do? A fit of anxiety overtook me yesterday. Sometimes I question if the medicine is even helping me…only took half of the lowest dose yesterday and my brain turned into a mush.

I just want to be wealthy; forget fame.

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