Another day that goes by in which I ask myself: “Why?” A potential employer called me but when they told me that the pay is less than what I currently make, I turned her down. Part of me is very thankful that she did not waste my time, nor hers, and told me from the start that this was a factor. Still, it made me depressed. This social services field does not pay unless you work for the state. I hate telling people that I am a social worker because I get the same comment(s) everytime: “What a noble job, it must be hard.” There is nothing noble about a job that keeps you from being independent. I don’t care if I am making a difference in someone’s life at my job, which I find it comical when I hear that this is priceless and more gratifying than the pay. I am only doing this for the money (not the pay) and the experience. The moment that I find something better, I will never look back.

This brings me to the feelings of desperation that I have been feeling lately. There is nothing abundant here in this state. The only who are wealthy are the lawyers, and doctors and business executives. That is all. Nobody else is going to make it in this state. I have feelings of anger, sadness, and desperation. And the fact that I have to wait until next year to see if this family project is going to be successful just kills me. I do not want to wait another year. I do not have time. I could be dead tomorrow. I truly do wish that I was never born…that would have been easier.