Today, on this last day of July, I found out, through hearsay, that my brother plans to marry his girlfriend and buy a house. Meanwhile, I am 26, living with my parents, and smoking pot. What can I learn from this? While I firmly believe that people should live their lives based on their own expectations, not those of others, I can’t help but to feel a sense of failure within me. Yes, there are many my age, older, and younger, who are in more difficult predicaments. However, that does not take away my right to feel that I am not where I want to be. It is not that I am not thankful for what I have, it’s just that I want so much more for myself. I was so close to achieving those dreams of success with the project my aunt was working out. We had it…we literally had it in the bag, we could have been making our way to the elite top. But it all vanished within a day, literally. Two years of hard work gone in a matter of hours. This is also a metaphor for life…we take years to build our lives, and it could be gone within seconds. What makes me the angriest about all of this, is that I feel that I can never carry out my revenge, through success, against all of those that doubted me…against all of those who bullied me and against all of those who told me that I would never even get a job. It was supposed to be the sweetest, most iconic victories of all. But the Universe had other plans for me.

As I look back at what 2016 has been, I don’t see anything but disappointment. A lot of misfortunes have occurred. I always hope that the next year will be better than the last…but this year began with an omen. It has been noted in one of my previous entries. Because of this year, I am no longer hopeful about anything. I am no longer hopeful about life, and I am no longer hopeful about myself or being alive. When it can all end in an instant, there is nothing for me to be hopeful about. Why should I be? I made it this far, but I see no reason as to why I have. Nothing makes sense to me, and quite frankly, I do not want to make sense of things anymore.

I know that I have to make a big move next year. I have no idea what move it would be, or if I could even make it. I know that if I attempt to live on my own, I will struggle a great deal. It is very obvious with the way that life is going. Everything is becoming more and more costly. The system can no longer support every one. I secretly hope to die in my sleep, of that, I am still hopeful about. It is the only way to escape all of this…and I hate to sound this way. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with myself, or my life. Why did life pick me? I told my therapist I wish I was never born.