Extremely depressed today. I left work at 1 in the afternoon. No bosses were in, and I was not going to sit at a desk with my head down with nothing to do. I already conducted my business in the morning but documented it for the afternoon so they would not suspect.

Feelings of hopelessness overcome me. I am looking for validation in the wrong places. But at the same time, I feel useless and that I have failed at life. My situation is not good for my self esteem. I hate telling people about it. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so why go on? Why put myself through the torture? I never asked to be born- I wish I wasn’t. I continue to isolate myself and not talk to anyone. I don’t want to say anything to anyone anymore. And the new people that I started talking to have not truly reached out, so I am so over being lead on or talked to just to be left with a silent conversation. I am over modern day life. I am over life in general. I truly wish that there was something positive- something to look forward to. But there is nothing to look forward to. My friend dying brought down a curse…a rain of dark energy over me. I am in disbelief over what is happening to me. I wouldn’t say it’s a tragedy, but it is something that is bringing me emotional distress.

Work is dull. I am so over listening to other people’s problems. I am sick and tired of holding their hands while they solve their lives. And it doesn’t pay well. It is pathetic. Nobody can survive in the modern day middle class wages that they pay us. I need to find something else to do with my life. But how? How can I when I feel so lost and depressed?

The Democratic convention began last night with a divided mess. I watched, speaker after speaker, address the issues of what is wrong with this nation. They were all correct and spoke with true intentions and eloquently. If the American people cannot see this, and willfully choose to vote for a fourth reich, then I will not feel pity; the people choose their faith. They selected it with Hitler, and they will select it if Trump wins.

An invitation was sent to me by the Democratic party of the state to attend a strategic meeting tomorrow evening in the capital. I have never been to a political event, and I feel anxious in attending, but it would be a good way for me to perhaps connect and network with others.

I feel that I am running out of friends; but this is because I am choosing to not deal with their nonsense. What would be the point? I am thinking that once I move out of state, if I am able to, to cut loose many ropes that would only tie me down to the memory of this horrible place.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements