I escaped to the beach over the weekend. It is the only place where my worries and problems can drift into the ocean and the breeze. Starting work on Monday was depressing. I did not want to get up, and I still don’t want to get up when I wake up every morning. This life is dull, this job is dull, this place is dull, and this routine is dull.

My counselor suggested that my depression and anxiety comes from my parents and my upbringing. Parents mean well, but they are human and the execution of their methods is thus imperfect.

A wave of depression has come over me, and I had a manic episode yesterday. I recorded it so that my closest friend could see what happens to me during this time. It is so sad to see. It’s hard to think that we were all once an innocent child, full of wonder and cheer. And now, as adults, we are depressed and suicidal because we now know what the system is all about. It pains me to see photos of myself when I was a child. I often think of what would happen to all of those when I’m dead. I shan’t have any kids myself, and when the last of our family dies, what will happen to all of those photos? The end of an era.

Thoughts about death are now a daily ocurrence. I have given up on all else.

I spoke with a friend yesterday who does real estate in Florida. She gave me a couple of ideas on where to go and what to look for. I am going to start the process, but I know that it is not going to be easy. I know that it is going to take a while…but if I do not make an attempt to change the environment I am in, I am not going to have the motivation to be happy.

Yoga has been helping tremendously. I will continue to do it. One of the very few things in life that make me happy, aside from music and the beach. All else is complication after complication. I found out yesterday that my brother is visiting this weekend, and this is fine, but what is not fine is that he is bringing his ingrate girlfriend. I am depressed because now I have been trying to find someone to go to the beach with me on Saturday, but everyone is busy or working. The very little friends that I have anyway…and this makes me feel more depressed. I am also feeling depressed about Trump. Why is this happening? And who could have predicted that this was going to happen? I wish the ocean would take me in already. I am tired of life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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