Today was pointless. I was depressed and didn’t feel like meeting a client at the end of the day so I told her I had an emergency.

Thoughts of death continue to haunt me, but quietly. Last night, my friend was talking to me about life and asking questions about purpose, existence, suffering, and the meaning of it all. This is the rarest thing to ever occur; life. I advised her not to think about it, as thinking about this drives people insane. I think she took the advise well, but I could sense that she was distraught. No matter what we do with our lives, we will always have these thoughts haunt us now and then. I remember talking to someone once who told me that he had traveled the world, taken every psychedellic drug, and “stood before shamans in battle,” and that life still made no sense. I don’t think it will ever make sense, so I propose that we all just find meaning in our own activities and stop thinking about all the possibilities. If we think about it, our heads might just explode. I am a witness to this; I had massive anxiety and even panic attacks for thinking too much. I have never had panic attacks like the ones I had when all of this was happening to me. What good did thinking about everything bring me? Not a single stroke of positivity. So why continue to question it? I cannot be bothered by it.

I admit that I am at a point where I am beginning to become burn out from my line of work. Can I make it all the way to January? I have no choice at this point. I am behind on finances and I am very upset; these summer trips and random expenses have taken a toll. I am only (and slightly) comforted by the fact that winter is coming and that expenses should decrease significantly…and that perhaps by the time I find a new job and housing in the south I will have made up for the lost amount. But still, I am hard on myself and feel that all I ever do is just pay bills. I need to cut down; and a whole lot.

Not going out tonight; my friend announced he is still down with a fever and does not wish to get anyone else sick. So in I stay, trying to distract myself with activities so that I am not thinking about anything. Thoughts can be the worst of enemies. But I am sad that I am not going out tonight, I was looking forward to it…no matter how lazy I feel, I will always enjoy going out instead. I even decided to get a haircut yesterday so that I could look better when I went out…but I guess life had other plans for me tonight.

We suspect, at work, that our direct boss is tiring of the nonsense and burning out fast. Indeed, his tone today during our weekly meeting was not enthusiastic or lively. I guess that there are some events that are going on that are making him stress out. He hates working for his boss, our former boss. And I do not blame him, who would want to work for her? I am afraid that he might leave soon and that we will be either stuck with our old boss or that someone else will be hired that is not of the same nature as he is. The last thing that I need at the present moment is a boss who is strict and wants to keep a tight leash over us. I loathe sitting in the office with nothing to do…and I simply don’t think that I (or anyone else for that matter) to get away with the things that we do now. Time will only tell. But I really hope that he does not leave, because if he does, I will be distraught. It makes no sense for me to get a new job now if I am planning to leave next year. I have no idea how long it will take for me to find something out of state. I suspect that it could take up to half a year…things will be more difficult because I am applying outside of where I live. I am putting my faith in the Universe and the mantle of luck that has covered me my whole life. I read online that it is not enough to just simply believe and wish for things; one must act on these wishes and they will become realities. I have to make these realities occur for me because I simply cannot stay in this desolate place…even if it’s where my parents live.

Not many messages on Grindr lately, in fact, almost none at all. I am starting to think that maybe I am not as attractive as I thought I was, but I know that this is not true. Maybe it’s just a time period where things are slow…or maybe it’s because I do not have a shirtless photo on. What a pity. Although, I should like to say that my sexual urges have not been getting in the way of things lately. I have noticed that they have decreased. I ought to get tested soon…but part of me wants to wait. It’s not that I don’t want to know the truth, it’s that I have recently gone and I feel that it would be a nuisance for me to go again so soon. I will most likely wait until late August to get checked out. I am not afraid of being given a diagnosis, but I would be extremely annoyed because I know that it would add more expenses to my life. Isn’t that preposterous? I am more upset about the financial aspect of being diagnosed with HIV than my own actual health. It’s amazing what this society has done to us, to think that the dollar is more valuable than my actual life or health is a testament to how low we have sunk as a species…and to think that we came from the wilderness. Well, I should say that we are still wild in our actions and thoughts. All one must do is simply look at the current global state of affairs and one will see that we are still savages, modernized savages. As my friend stated last night, “No wonder so many people choose to leave this world,” who could blame them? Not I.

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