Work was busy today. I did not expect to stay as long as I did. But then again, I was waiting for a guy to get home from work…until he announced he would be late. I decided to leave because I live an hour away from the work site I was in today.

I wept silently when I got home. I began to read Stephen Levine’s (rest in peace) “Meetings at the edge”, a book about interviewing the grieving and dying. I cried more as I read it. One of the quotes that I came across made me feel comforting: “Death is not the enemy, fear is.” This is the type of book that I will not be able to read in one sitting, even if I wanted to. I am going to, at the recommendation of my therapist and my own discretion, read it in bits and put it down for the day after a couple of pages.

A stern conversation over the phone with my father…although it was more of a lecture. He spoke uninterrupted for a couple of minutes about my state of depression, and how I have no true reasons to be depressed. He then went on to compare my life with the hardships of others, and firmly suggested that I believe in God and turn to prayer. I don’t think that religion is evil, but because it is commanded my man, it is bound to turn dangerous at times (as it has through history), and this is simply because man itself is flawed. But I suppose that he is right, I have no true reasons to be depressed. I have a steady life, and a plan for it within the next year. My depression comes from these thoughts about dying, but of course, this is not something that I can tell him. He is going to tell me the same thing that everyone has told me; to get over it and move on with my life. There is nothing I can do about it.

During these moments, I long for the prescence of a God. I long for comfort and for peace. My mind kept telling me, as I silently wept in the shower, to become my own savior, “If no God can comfort you or save you, become your own saviour by controlling your thoughts.” I think that my mind is a type of God; a form of reason within me. My emotions towards death turned from fear into sadness. This is why I continued to weep, I wept for this ordained law that the Universe has crafted for us all. I wept for the losses that are to come, and for the losses that have already occurred. I still hold firm to the belief that the Universe could not have exploded out of nothing. It’s beyond my-  our, imagining. Our understanding. Let it be.

I am just a body. You are just a body. We are just bodies. This is not easy. It is not easy to exist. I am depressed because I am alive, because I exist. Some, especially some who are dead, might think ill of me upon hearing this confession…but existing is to suffer. It does not have to be this way. I read a lovely quote, somewhere I cannot remember at the present moment, the other day that said “Life is pleasant, death is peaceful, but the transition is worrisome”. Not exactly those words, but close to the notion conveyed.

I still think God is the Universe, mother Earth, the laws of physics, the energies around and within us. Still, there are many experiences that people have had through the years that cannot be explained. I have experienced strange things, with other people present who also experienced them, that I cannot explain. Perhaps this is the unknown, briefly showing itself to us.

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