A lot on my mind today; I just wish I had all the answers that I want from life, but I am never going to find out certain things. I will die without knowing. I think that bothers me more than dying itself.

I really need a career change. Something. Maybe I will attempt to design for my aunt. Maybe I will look up what it takes to become a yoga instructor. This nonsense that I am doing…baby sitting these people for a living has gotten hold. Nevermind that I can fake my hours, I need something that keeps me enriched. This is no longer that something.

Have still not heard from E. since I got back from Vermont Sunday, but I don’t want to hear back. I realize that I can’t stand him…maybe it took this trip to finally admit it to myself. He has been good to me, but I think that this trip truly proved that maybe we are not meant to be friends in the long run. Then again, I am barely speaking with people.

I will probably only work 4 hours. It’s very delightful and I love it, but it does not compensate me enough. If I do look for another job, I will have to stay here another year. I keep pushing things back over and over. I am running out of time. I could be dead tomorrow.

I am tired of thinking about death; but I think that as long as I am alive, it will be inevitable. I am trying to find something to comfort me…but I am not sure that there is anything. My therapist told me that I am rescilient. Maybe so.

I have to get back to reading the Ciano diaries. I find that most of the entries are political nonsense, gossip, and events. However, there are some that are very interesting and offer an interesting insight into the relationship between Italy and Germany during that era. I strongly encourage those who are interested in the subject to read these diaries. It was not all blossoms and butterflies between the two powers…well, I should think of Italy as a “sub power” compared to the Reich. I really think that they got dragged into this nonsense against their will, but what else could they have done? Like many situations in life, we have to take it and run with it. I don’t believe anyone truly knows what they are doing…maybe unless they are successful. Why can’t I be? Oh yes, because I lack the resources. Financially resources that is. But then I hear about those who go from rags to riches. What is the secret? Fate? Coincidence? Self determination? The right conditions?

Today I also spoke with a friend, briefly, about life. I am not convinced that it was all an accident. It’s all too weird for me. Life is weird. Death is weird. Everything is weird.

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