sorry this is so long. i apologize. I’m so over everything. i know i should be thankful for having a job and housing and food and etc. but i feel SOOO under accomplished for my age. like i feel like i made the wrong choices in life and studied the wrong thing and now I’m paying for it like a death sentence. i had no fucking clue what to study at university and the only reason i did psych is b.c i thought i wanted to be a therapist but nobody fucking told me that you have to go to grad school and probably something beyond that shit to get it which i have no motivation or money or time for. and now its too late. and I’m just sitting here like…looking at these younger people in their 20s with engineering degrees and other shit move into their own apartments. and i ask myself WHY us like WTF did we do???? like yes we got high in class and used refund check money to shop for stupid shit but there was no manual for life. like nobody fucking told us anything. and now its like: oh you expect me to be independent but when i needed guidance and direction you told me: oh its ok to drop this class u can make it up next time and just make sure you have good grades” ummm no. that wasn’t enough. it was never enough. we got duped. and i just feel so depressed. like yeah i may be taking trips here and there but they’re not like real vacation trips. i want to go to europe. caribbean. greece. california. and you need money for that shit. and i just feel like that will never be me. and who the fuck knows now if I’m even going to have a job by december. and so what if i pay my loans? ill have zero dollars in my account and have to start saving up again to have enough to move out. and even still its impossible to live alone unless its in a fucking box. so what the fuck am i even doing with my life? i feel so pointless and under accomplished that i don’t really see the point in going on. like nobody can help me nothing people say or do is going to make this go away. and I’m stuck here in this awful earth of psycho fucking bitches until I’m dead. like is this a joke???? i can’t feel better no matter what. my clients can’t have phones, skip meals to pay rent, or get evicted and don’t do anything and the ghetto is all they will ever know but they’re not like killing themselves. so idk why with “all” that i have i still feel like dying? i don’t understand anymore. I’m sorry I’m a fucking mess rn. rambling like an idiot. and i know what you mean about wanting to buy things again and feel good but that only lasts a little. it goes away after. and i just feel like such shit. i feel like i already failed life.