I don’t understand life anymore. This is what I told my friend today. I am regressing back to the state of mind that I was in a month and a half ago. This is not good.

I went to Newport yesterday; but I am very annoyed because my friend wanted to leae 4 hours after. Needless to say, I will not be doing these sort of trips with him any more. I would love to live by the beach; I think it would be the only way that I could be truly happy…and die happy. I am the sea. I come from the sea. I want to go back into the sea.

Another young person died today; it is a cruel year. “You are not supposed to die in your 20s,” they say…but nothing makes sense anymore. Did it ever? I keep thinking to something my co-worker said, “Even if there was a God, would it make sense?”

I just feel so disoriented…so disappointed with myself. I think I have had a good life, but I don’t feel like I am successful…at all. I am not sure I am going to make my financial goal by the time January comes. Part of me doesn’t care about anything anymore.

My friend wants to go see our departed friend at the beach, where she is resting, on her birthday. I hope by then I am better, if I am even alive.

I had a dream a couple of days ago that my friend was a karaoke singer and she was singing on stage at a bar. She looked so lovely under the lights. When I told her this, to my shock, and hers, she revealed that she has been taking singing lessons and does, indeed, sing karaoke. What are the odds that I should dream of her, of all people, doing that particular activity. Another mystery of the unexplained.