Today was very tiring. I was extremely busy at work and didn’t get to have lunch until around 2 in the afternoon. I am so tired of eating soups, puddings, and gelatine. I think tomorrow I should be well; I had fish today. The pain has subsided majorly; only the doctor will be able to tell me for certain tomorrow.

Other than being busy, I got my routine HIV test and it came out fine. I was not nervous. I have psyched myself out in the even of a positive result.

Today I have been bothered by thoughts of death. It hasn’t happened in some time, but they returned. My counselor called again and stated she was out for the week but would be back next week and she should be glad to see me during our original scheduled time.  I’m going back to having anxiety and thoughts about dying. No matter what happens, it’s going to happen. I hate myself for it. I’m not sure why I hate myself…it’s not really my fault (unless I kill myself, which I shan’t), but I am angry at my body for one day giving up on me. I read a line on an article online that said all our brains are just 30 watt cluster of meat asking “Who am I?” Why are they always so depressing? So negative? Carl Sagan said it’s best to accept the Universe for what and how it is rather than delude ourselves otherwise, no matter how comforting. But no matter; I still believe that there are mysteries that remain unexplained. I’m not so sure why science is so close minded of the unknown. They say man made tools cannot measure the divine.

 

I don’t know. I don’t care. I miss my friend. I heard that her family is doing better; they went to the beach where she rests and celebrated her. This makes me happy; I was worried about them, especially her brother. I’m not sure why it happened to her at such young age.

I have no idea why the me inside of my brain exists. How could I have? Why did I have to? I could have just not been born. Perhaps that would have been better than all of this; no suffering. I give up on these thoughts and questions. It’s infuriating.

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