A very interesting day. I took advantage that I was the only staff member of the program in the regional office to have a field day. But first, I have to mention that I broke down, briefly, again, on my way to work this morning thinking of her. She clings to my heart.

My clients can be such nuisances at times. I called to inform that I was running late because of massive traffic clogs only to be asked if I read a text message canceling the visit. Text message! My work phone does not send or receive text messages. In any case, this client sounded sick and I was told that a fever was to blame. I’ll call Friday to set up something for next week. I was going to have breakfast at Starbucks where the meeting would take place, but I decided to go to another, closer location since I didn’t have to drive all the way to the next town over. I ate outside, by myself, in the company of the sun.

Later on, I met someone who took me to a school building that is supposedly haunted. I do believe in the energies of the Universe, so I expressed some interest in wanting to go at night…that would be quite the experience. But I am not sure this can be done since this place is nearly an hour away from where I live.

I was naughty today and had two sexual encounters; but I no longer blame myself for enjoying the fruit of the earth. I do hope though, that this new guy I met today can turn into something more interesting other than sex.

49 birds flew over the skies today to commemorate the victims of the massacre over the week. This is a clear sign of the divine; and while I am not religious, I am spiritual and do believe that there is a higher being that we are incapable of comprehending. Coincidentally, the man I met today also believes the same as I do, so naturally it was a nice surprise. Quite refreshing to find that on a sex app.

My deep meditation today took a turn to the bizarre when I felt this energy come into the center of my body and pulsate outwards. I should not invite spirits to guide me into the light anymore; I am not sure what I am dealing with when I invoke such things. But in any case, I had to stop the meditation because it became intense. My visions this time were different, I was sitting in the dunes of a beach, dunes that nestled me while I looked out into the calm water with small waves at the shore. There was an insland in the far distance. I saw both deceased persons walking on the shore, but they vanished into nothingness. I hope they find peace.

But I’m annoyed at the magnifying glass that is being put over the victims. There is no way to escape this; no matter where I turn to. Conversation, social media, news, even on a sex app I was greeted with a message showing a mosaic like photo of the victims with the words “REMEMBER” on top. Do we want to remember? Yes. We want to remember, cherish, and treasure the angels that ascended to the other dimension. We do not want to forget this act of hate and violence. But what we do not want to do is magnify the grief by exploiting our emotions on social media. Yes, it is healthy to feel and to let your body feel the grief, anger, despair, suffering, and any other type of emotion that arises from this. But the problem lies in exploiting it on social media. We need to have respect for the victims and their families. I stumbled across a post on social media by an individual that consisted of an enlarged photo of one of the victims, with the description of “This person was so and so years old and worked on so and so. I am sobbing, I am crying, my heart is heavy, I am destroyed, etc, etc, etc.” This is waving a magnifying glass over the grief for everyone to see. Some of us are trying our best to comprehend what happened, comprehend the loss, and to move past it while remembering that hate can never win, and by remembering that the victims have not died in vain. I was talking with a friend who explained to me that all she wants to do is bury her head in the ground because she cannot continue to bare the pain. We do not wish to be constantly bombarded by reminders, photos, or details of the events. We are aware of what happened. We cannot forget what happened. But we do not want to continue to be triggered by the people who are taking this grief and zooming in on it for the rest of us to see. Have respect for the families of the victims. Let the victims rest. Remember them as they were when they were alive, and remember them now and what they stand for. Just because they have passed does not mean that we only have to remember them in living. Remember them in passing as well, what they stand for, and what the purpose of this event is. I have shed tears and felt sadness for my fallen brothers and sisters, but I cannot possibly continue to dwell on the pain and the suffering of continuing to seek information and details of the events. I cannot bare (and I have not) to look at their photos. I refuse to do that to myself. I do not wish to continue to feed the grief. I don’t understand why this is not the case with others. There are people that continue to feed the grief, suffering, and pain. I am not demanding that people deny their emotions; people must simply feel their emotions. They have to let them run through their bodies and channel them in a healthy way; but stop using social media to do so. Sit with your friends, your family, have face to face contact. Write a poem, a song, type or handwrite; it is of no matter. But there is a problem when these emotions run rampant and are made even more dramatic through social media. Please, enough. We do not need to be reminded. We know. And we shall not forget. We cannot forget; we have to make a meaning out of this event and change the way that society is. It is normal to have many feelings about this, but to continue to make the situation more tragic than it already is does not help the healing process. In this tragic world, we must remember not to become tragic ourselves.

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