More of the same nonsense. Had a cancelation today, and thus, I evaded traveling to the confines of the state near the border. It was good news to wake up to after yesterday’s horror and dread. I brought my tablet to work but can you believe I didn’t use it? I was under the impression that I would have finished all of my work early but I worked on documentation all the way until it was time to go to the next visit….which I scheduled last minute. I need an excuse to leave work early on Friday so I will make it seem like the visit took place then. This is not a habbit, but when the opportunity presents itself, I take it.

I cried on my way to work this morning while thinking about her. Certain songs and sounds make me think of her; how I wish she was alive to listen to them. We used to share music with each other…I’m not sure she ever listened to the songs that I sent her, but I certainly listened to the ones that I got from her; this I promise you. Every day I think of her, and whenever a new song is listened to, or released, I know that she would have loved to listen to it. I keep thinking that I would love to share it with her…but then I remember that I will never be able to. I miss her and I just hate that I never got to say goodbye. My mother spoke to a medium the other day who revealed that all she wanted was “to live happy at the beach.” When this was disclosed to me, I broke down in tears because her ashes are at the beach. Some may criticize and be skeptical, but I do believe in the unknown and the mysteries of life; all one must do is listen closely to the silence.

The ride back home was torturous, I felt short of breath and a strange feeling in my chest. My mouth continued (and continues to) sting where the wound from the surgery is located. I was informed that, after a phone call to the surgeon’s office, that I was at my “peak” and that it would be easier after today. I hope that this is true.

I called my therapist, hoping to be able to see her today, tomorrow, or Wednesday. I am not sure how successful I will be, as this is short notice to her…but I do not want to wait another week. I have a lot to say. I think it was a wise decision to not discontinue services with her; she will be useful. It has been a terrible year full of loss and suffering…then again suffering is the only constant in life. More thoughts of death attempt to invade my mind, and at times, they are successful, but then I remember that I should not care for death. Death is not the enemy.

I cannot bring myself to read “Meetings at the edge” although I know I should. Man must come face to face with all its fears. However, I have been slightly better and do not want to be triggered into sinking in the abyss of those dark thoughts.

I am annoyed that I still cannot do yoga….I hate surgery. I long for the moment I can eat solid food again. One does not know what one has until it is gone, so they say.