I was reading a book on Tibetan Buddhism today that the Dalai Lama wrote. It was talking about death and how there are three things we have to remember: death is certain, we don’t know when, and how are we going to deal with it. It was basically a horrible moment for me to read all of that chapter because it made me feel helpless and powerless. I have been forced to think about this after my friend died. It’s horrible; because prior to this, I didn’t think about dying the way that I do now. The chapter talked about having delusional thoughts about this long life that stretches into the future…yet, nobody can guarantee that. I could die tomorrow. I could die tonight. This long future that I keep leaving things for, could not exist. This entire life event has fucked my head up more than I thought. I feel more anxious, more depressed, more mentally subdued and numb. I know that this is not what my friend would want; she would want me to continue to live my life and be happy. But how can I? How can I, realistically, live this “happy” life knowing the impending demise that is to come? I can’t imagine being dead. I know that we are afraid of what we don’t know, but from a scientific point of view, consciousness dies as well. So is being dead like being asleep? I remember thinking about this when I was young…probably around 9 or 10 years of age. I remember saying that death was a lot like falling asleep. So how could a 9 or 10 year old say something like? I know that I am beyond my years, but it’s amazing to think about the fact that ever since I was young, I preoccupied myself with death.

I really hate that this is the type of life that I have to live now; ridden with thoughts of anxiety and asking myself, every morning, if it will be my last day alive. I can’t live like this; but I cannot ignore the giant shadow that is death. I know that it will come, but I don’t know when it will come. Some may say that this is a good thing, because it has finally made me realize that any day could be my last. The delusion of immortality or that I will have a long life into old age is over. Right now, my thoughts are gravitating towards a “fuck off” attitude. What should anything in life matter anymore? What are my problems, or anyone’s problems, compared to next to the immensity of death? Nothing could be more intense as the notion and thought of death. I hate who I have become in the last few weeks. I hate that my friend died. I hate that she died as a byproduct of trying to transform her life into something better by proving how brave, strong, and determined she was. It makes me sick. So now what? Why should I care about anything? Why should I care about the system? Or the problems I face? Or what society says I should do (to be honest, I stopped giving a fuck about society years ago)? I honestly don’t know how to live life anymore, and I honestly don’t know who I am or how to be anymore. All I am is a walking piece of anxiety and disillusionment. I wish I was never born. This life is too fucked up to live.