I told myself I would write something regarding the death of a someone I held very close to my heart, but I haven’t had the time or the desire. To be honest, I feel that it would not help me to write about it. I wanted to write her a letter, even though she would never read it. In my mind, I secretly hoped that she would be able to listen to it, wherever she may be. In reality, she will never hear it or read it. The fact that she died as a result of the stress related to her job makes me sick. She was doing what we are all told; hustly, grind, and sweat to make a better future for yourself. But what for? So that you can stress yourself into a heart attack? What’s the point? Ever since she went away, so sudden at the prime age of 25, life has been bleak and meaningless. Interestingly enough, before she passed, I began to develop a feeling that life is meaningless and that there is no point in doing anything. Now, more than ever, I truly believe that there is no point to life. Some say that the point is to make money, some say the point is to help others, some say the point is to leave a legacy…but for me, there is no point in anything. What does it matter if we are all going to die in the end? We will eventually be forgotten. Generations will pass and those we are survived by, will also pass. Eventually, the world and the universe will cease to exist. So I ask: what is the point of anything?

I have come to the conclusion that I will most likely never be happy. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy; there are times when I have been asked by friends and family “Do you even want to be happy?” The answer is that yes, I want to be happy. However, in the type of world we are living in, I do not believe that I will be able to achieve happiness. People will never stop comparing theselves each other; the endless rat race. I have  taken myself out of this race a while ago. Still, the madness seeps in. I don’t understand why there are people who can get away with so much and are still alive…not that I wish death upon anyone. But the fact of the matter is that my friend was a good person. She was hard working and so brave. She never stopped sacrificing time and effort to make a better life for herself; and where did that lead her to? Death. I will never understand. I am still in denial; I think about her every day. I talk to her, remember her, and wish she could listen to the things that I have to say. I know that she never will. I know that I will never see her again. Every day, I am tormented with the thought that it could be my last day alive. A good majority of people will say that this is the reason that I have to be happy, but the simple fact is that I am not happy. I am not happy because I am not where I want to be in life; I feel that time is running out. I know that our current situation is not our final destination, but I am still so frustrated with how behind I feel compared to others my age. See? The endless comparison. Do you really think that I want to spend the rest of my life continually comparing myself to others? No. But the reality is that it is something that I cannot help, and I am sure that other people can relate to this. It’s not a question of jealousy, but a question of “When will it be my turn?” I know that there are people who are more successful that I, but I also know that there are people who are nowhere near where I am. I still don’t think that I am in a significant position in my life. I feel like a loser, a lame pathetic loser. My current situation hurts my already low self esteem. They say that I have the power to change my life, but let’s be fucking real, that “power” is very limited when society has constructed itself into the system that it currently presents itself to be. This is part of the reason why I have eliminated all social media; I do not want to know anything about anyone and I do not want anyone to know anything about me. I have kept my close friends and that is it. But now that this horrible event has happened, it really has damaged the little hope that I had of life ever getting better. It has made me realize that any day could be my last day; that all the battles and sacrifices that I have put myself through the last couple of years could all vanish in one day. So what is the point? What is the point of anything? Keep fighting for what? Even if I became highly successful, that success will not last forever. I hope that you undertstand what I am going through at the moment. It pains me deeply to think this way; but her death has really traumatized me and this trauma is going to last for a very long time. I used to live my life ignorant of my mortality, but now, there is no way that I can avoid it. My anxiety has increased; I find myself popping pills every week. The first thought that comes to my mind when I wake up is: “Will today be it for me?” I can’t live this kind of life anymore. I don’t want to live this kind of life; I rather be dead. I know that if I died, all of my troubles would be over forever. The eternal peace would erase all of that.

 

I’m more lost, angry, and sad than ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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