“Another dark day!” Were among the words of the last sentences in the end of the chapter of the book I am reading. And indeed, today was another dark day. My existential crisis continues. I have begun to question, at this time, why I am alive. I feel that my life is truly pointless; I feel no sense of purpose whatsoever. I am completely lost and I have no idea how to draw up plans or create blueprints that are going to guide me in a clear direction. Nevermind that I “need” to be going in a certain direction; this is all nonsense. People are free to do as they please, and nobody “needs” to take a certain “path” of life unless they truly feel that they must.
No matter what sort of problems I am presented with by the people I service, it does not affect my level of empathy in the least. Those are still not my own problems, and I should be glad not to make them a part of my life by dwelling on them. It’s not that I am evil, it’s simply that I cannot afford for these problems to affect me. I have begun to tune out their long speeches about their wicked family history. Although, not all of them can be classified as wicked. I think that I have been fortunate enough, however, not to have been bombarded with more than seven cases at a time. And indeed, the time of my stay in this place is coming to an end in the following six months. But this is if plans materialize. I seem to not know what to do with my life, but I do know that it is imperative to find something that is more productive and challenging.
As for my depression, it will return…or perhaps it never left. It must simply retire into the deep recesses of my mind and return when there are triggers in the environment that awaken it.
I have given up on attemping to pursue a family vacation; but I have decided to take matters into my own hands and I will convince a companion that these day trips are essential. As for continuing to reach out and maintain relations with old friends; it is something that I must do. However, I am sensing that the interest is not mutual and lacking on their end. I have to come up with a plan to address this.

The fact that it is becoming darker at an early hour is also a contributing factor to this struggle. I should like to say that even though I was not truly in love with this past summer season, I do miss the extended period of light. I must also say that the holiday period is a most difficult and nonsensical season. I absolutely abhor the holidays because they lack significance; their existence center around materialism. I also despise this period because every one travels except for me. I don’t wish to be reminded of the worthless and uneventful life that I lead. In fact, I should like to forget that I am alive. At the end of the day, I wish I was never born. I would have rather not experienced this existence and escaped all of the darkness, agony, anger, delusion, and disappointments. Another dark day indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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