I’m really tired of this world. I’m tired of this life, these people, and being caught up in the tangle of their lives. I don’t care about the problems they are facing. I only, truly, care about my close friends and family…but even still, being a part of their lives means that I have to listen to their problems. The thing is…I am also a problem, but this is mostly because my mind runs like a derailed train; it never stops. The more I think about events, situations, and become more entangled in the drama of dealing with other humans, the deeper the desire is to just sell off everything that I have, save up enough to pay my loans, and disappear into the mountains. At this time, this seems very appealing to me. I was reading an article about a man who quit his job and dedicated his life to hiking the country. While I love the outdoors, this is something that I would not be able to do for the simple fact that I could not stand to sleep outdoors and deal with the dangers of nature. Still, this idea is much more appealing than dealing with people any longer. I absolutely hate it. When my clients talk to me about their problems, my brain blocks them out. Today, when I went to visit a friend that I had not seen since the Spring, my brain blocked him out and began to think of other things because I found the topic of his conversation utterly boring. Yes, this is unkind and against my manners, but I cannot pretend anymore.
I had another incident today where I was supposed to see a friend. This friend decided to get high before seeing me, and I told him, when we first met, that this is something that I was not ok with because I feel awkward when people are high around me. Say what they say, it hinders their mental state and they are not who they are when they are sober. I am not bothered by the smoking, I am bothered by the fact that he would have been high and I would have been sober. This is something that I just simply cannot and will not put myself through. In the end, this friend attempted to turn the sword against me when in reality, they made the conscious decision to smoke and made the conscious decision of telling me. Of course, the plans were cancelled. Some may say that this was an over reaction on my end, however, kindly take a moment to remember that this is something that I told him from the beginning, would not sit well with me. Did this friend forget? How can they attempt to turn it around to blame me when it was they who chose to make a conscious decision that lead the turn of these meaningless yet irksome events? It was unnecessary, of course. This, among many other incidents, has made me truly realize that I do not care any longer for human relations. I am tired of the constant complexities and dramas of other humans. I have much to deal with regarding my own troubles, insecurities, and demons.

I truly wish I could make a decision in regards to what I am going to do with my life. However, this much I know: the more time that passes by, the less interested I am in meeting new people and attempting to form meaningful relationships. I have also noticed a decrease in contact with my close friends. I know that I am anti-social, and that every now and then, on an entry, I’ll describe this period of my life as “the age of loneliness,” but truth is simply that I cannot bear to continue to burden myself with the drama of forming human relations. We may be a contact species that rely on other relations and face to face interactions to maintain our mental health, but I dare say that attempting to form and maintain these relationships with others has done me more mental harm than being alone. Much can be said about such statement. Some may disagree with me, but you cannot disagree with my personal experiences and what I truly feel. I have learned much from people, and I am sure that many will also say that there are many lessons to learn from others. However, I feel that there is nothing monumental that is to be learned from others. Humans are, by nature, disappointing creatures. Yes, I myself am also disappointing. I have been asked out on several dates the past couple of months, and I have rejected them all.
I am afraid that I am not capable of forming romantic relationships or feeling romantic sensations towards other people. This may be because of my attitudes towards other persons, especially other men. It is also a mixture of my negative relationships with men. I have had very few positive, healthy relationships with other men through the years. I feel that my soul has come to a point (even though I am 26) of surrender. But I ask myself: what could a boyfriend even provide for me? I am far too difficult to deal with, in any case. I prefer to have sex with whoever I want, whenever the opportunity presents itself, and be on my way home. Yes, it is much easier to bare your body than your soul. Perhaps this comes with justification; I have given a valid reason as to why this is now my current behavior towards other men. Never mind “meaningful friendships”. I feel that men want to keep others around for sex. I don’t believe I have ever had another male friend whom did not want sex. These so called “friendships” are just a convenience for them, and for myself as well. I cannot lie regarding that fact. Either way, I don’t see myself being in a romantic relationship at this point of my life. And I truly wonder if this is something that will ever happen to me. I used to want it badly when I was younger…however, as the years have gone by, and the negative experiences have occurred, this is something that I no longer want.

I also have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I have seriously considered saving up enough money to pay off my student loans, all in one clear swoop, and embarking on a journey of self discovery across the country. However, I am not sure how this would be done. My other option is to get a higher paying job and to move away to another state. I have doubts as to moving into a city…given the fact that I have explained just how much of a misanthrope I am. However, I know that I would not want to stay in this place. It kills me to think of the fact that I would stay the current course and continue to be a robot of the consumerist, capitalist society that I am living in. I could avoid spending money on anything except for the essentials…but at the same time, I would still be contributing to the machine of slavery. I feel happiness reading, writing, and listening to music. These are aspects of the human spirit that are becoming extinct; as the consumerist way of life (I refuse to call it “culture,” as the word “culture” should be reserved to describe a construct  that is truly enriching and beneficial to society’s health) is transforming them into commercial venues. Nobody can tell me that most modern day music is meaningful in any way. Nobody can tell me or even attempt to argue that the modern day genre of urban music is meaningful; there is absolutely nothing meaningful in talking about how much money, cars, and houses you have. It is an absolute aberration to the human spirit and a glorification of how much of a slave you truly are to the machine.
Novels are not written in the same manner that they were written many years ago; I have absolutely no idea what authors write about anymore because I prefer to read the classics. Society has become to tainted that this poison has slowly contaminated aspects of life that were once glorious and enriching.
This is why, if I take the route that the machine wants me to take, I would not be truly happy. I do not want to be a contributing member of all of this self destructive orgy of raping the world and destroying the imagination that was built by the great minds of the past. Some will argue that this imagination is a part of the human delusion to make sense out of a life and existence that is mostly explained by biology. Perhaps they might be right, but this imagination, and they should agree with this too, is the only way to escape the fact that death is going to greet us all, and until then, this may be the only tolerable method in dealing with our selfish, chaotic existence.
This may be shocking to some, but a new imagination has been created over the past couple of years; technology. As convenient as technology may be, it is isolating us and destroying our minds. The music, literature, and art of the past united many and stimulated growth. However, these technological advances have made us into stale, cold creatures, devoid of human contact and devoid of colorful imagination. I prefer that the world end before this becomes worse; as we all know that it will. Technology is advancing at an exponential pace, and our relationship with it has taken over our relationships with each other. This obsession has isolated us. You might be thinking that perhaps this contradicts what I have begun to say in this piece; that I loathe dealing with the endless complications and complexities that come with dealing with other humans. However, I am merely describing yet another reason that I do not want to participate or be a part of this consumerist society. My true happiness would consist of escaping into a world of nature; only a place that is devoid of all of the notions that make modern society what it is. This is the last escape that exists in the world; this is the final place where everything comes to die. It destroys my soul that the consumerist machine is also destroying nature. The world is bleeding and I feel helpless in my desire to save it from its inevitable death; because we should all face the fact that we are going to be the destroyers of this planet. Humans spend an awful lot of time pondering how all of the problems in the world have become to manifest, and we have failed to realize that we are to blame for everything and anything.

I have been wanting to detach myself from this absolute chaos for many years now…and I believe that the time has come to make a decision regarding what I am going to do regarding this question. What I do know, is that the more people I meet, the more I continue to fall in love with nature, solitude, writing, reading, and music. I have discovered this truth about myself, for myself. And I am so glad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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