I’m very perturbed at this moment by something that has been bothering me for quite sometime, but did not, for reasons unknown to me, impact me deeply until last night. I’m scared that I may not be able to form a romantic relationship with someone in the future. All I have been doing since my last breakup in March is having sex and flirting with men. Even though I have kept the number of sexual partners under a certain amount, I feel that this is the only type of relation that I can have. My negative experiences have shaped this; I have had very few positive relationships. It’s so much easier to bare your body than your soul, they say. I agree with this…but at the same time, I feel that this is such a sad concept. While there is nothing wrong with sex, for me, personally, sex is a very intimate thing. I can differentiate between someone I care about and someone I don’t care about. There are certain guys that I don’t care about, and thus, it’s easy for me to have sex with them. But when I become involved with someone and develop an actual friendship, if sex were to occur, I would want to make sure that we are still in communications afterwards. I have had too many instances where men stop engaging with me once I have given in…But this is not to say that I am innocent. I have had my fair share of disappearing acts. However, sex was not always something that occurred prior.

Regardless, for some reason, I feel as if someone turned the “romance” switch off inside my head. It also does not help that I read a very interesting article that describes the notion of “love” from a scientific point of view. It’s all about neurons and cells, you see. I believe that I have described this briefly in one of my previous entries, and this information is easily accessible to anyone on the net if you desire to read scientific journals on this matter. Ever since reading that article, I have put the pieces of the enigma (then again, if science can explain it, was it ever an enigma?) together and realized, that because love can be explained from a scientific point of view, there is no use in humanizing it. Of course, people will continue to humanize this because they need someone to latch onto…among many concepts. This is, as we all know, to make human existence tolerable and create a purpose. Some may ask: “Wouldn’t you still want to feel good sensations with a person?” This may be…but I can do that through sex. I don’t feel the desire to experience any other type of sensation apart from physical pleasure. Am I really jaded if I have discovered the truth for myself? There is so much effort in getting to know someone, and there are many risks associated with letting down one’s guards to become vulnerable to them. My problem is that I have always invested so much more of myself unto others than they have unto me…all to no avail. I have grown tired of the same process over the years. I should ask myself, however, if this is something that truly bothers me. After all, this is a truth that I have found to work for me…

I am completely at peace with being single…but not completely at peace with the thought of my inability to form romantic relationships, at this point of my life anyway. Besides, I am still young and unsure of the direction that my life is taking. Why would I want to hook somebody along this age of uncertainty? My only complaint is that I wish men would tell me that all they are looking to get from me is sex. Why be afraid of telling that to someone? It saves a lot of collective grief. Again, they have no problem in baring their private parts and bodies, yet fear baring their true intentions. What nuisance. No matter what sexual orientation, being in a relationship is complicated, but being single is just as complicated when dealing with a situation such as this one.

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