I have no idea how I am going to get through my life right now. Beside all my personal health suspicions going on, I feel like I am running out of friends. The frequency in which people are texting me is beginning to decrease; and unfortunately for myself, I am not the type of person that is constantly writing to others first. However, at the same time, I really feel that I have done that a lot in the past, even this past year. I can recognize that the frequency in which I have done it has also decrease; so it is true what they say: friendship is a two way street.
But nevertheless, it would still be nice if people wrote to me more often. I don’t have a lot of friends to begin with, but it certainly would be pleasant if they reached out to me more and were able to spend more time with me. Has life truly gotten to the point where people have “too much” going on to socialize with others?
On the other hand, I feel that I am responsible for this. All I ever do is bitch, moan, complain, and go off on existential, pessimistic, philosophical rants about my views on life and people. Maybe people are tired of this. A close friend of mine offered the typical “It’s not you” assurance, but I truly believe that it is I who is the problem. I have driven away some people the past few years; but out of those, there have been interpersonal conflicts that ended our friendship. But what do people truly talk about these days? If you meet someone, it won’t be long before they start telling you their problems. Try it! I’ve had strangers open up to me in the past; mere classmates who have disclosed their personal struggles to me when I never even asked them. True, nobody likes problems, but we need someone to tell our problems to. This is one of the many purposes that friends (and family) have. But in all honesty, I really feel like I am alone. Maybe it’s this place I am living in…or the state of the world and human thought. I don’t even want to begin to talk about the amount of men that I have met off of repugnant apps that suddenly and inexplicably stop talking to me. I’m over it; I am not going to attempt to try and understand something that is not understandable.

I don’t truly know what people expect anymore. Do they truly expect someone who is happy all the time? If this is the case, I have heard many times, that someone who is “happy” all the time is either: delusional, faking it, annoying, ignorant and/or privileged.
But the thing is that nobody is ever truly, “100% happy” (for lack of better word or phrase).

At the same time, I myself have said that humans are toxic and that I am better off alone than to become involved in the struggles and tangled lives of others. Still; we are contact species and no matter how many times I tell myself that “I am better off alone,” I’m really not. Despite all the drama that human relationships (no matter the level of seriousness) can bring, I rather have that drama than feel alone and miserable.

I have no idea what I am going to do, especially when winter comes. The darkness and cold weather are going to contribute to these feelings of sadness.  If they should find something life threatening during these next few check ups, I will find solace in the fact that I will finally be able to escape living in the modern day, virulent society we have created and the dreaded human condition.

Advertisements