I go through these stages of self awareness, depending on what is happening with my life…but lately, I feel as if these stages are abundant. Since I started smoking weed again, I have begun to, yet again, awaken more.

This is not to say that I was not awoke before…on the contrary, with every period of smoking; whether it’s a couple of weeks or a month or two, I discover new ideas and new ways to see and perceive the world.. Unfortunately, this time, the thoughts of enlightenment are pessimistic. However, there is some solace in this. Let me explain: basically, all we are is just a bunch of cells. We are a composition of millions of cells that perceive the stimuli around us 24/7. There are many that say that science can’t explain love, but it can. Basically, our brain trains us, through the rewards system, to release chemicals whenever we see that one person that we like. When we experience a break up, our brain has to backtrack to the stage it was in prior to meeting that person…until the next lover comes along.

I have truly come to believe that people are inherently selfish; and rightly so. The world that we have created for ourselves is hostile and downright incongruous. We are always asking ourselves “Why?” We fail to realize that we have created this for ourselves. Those of us who are awake, or in the process of waking up, begin to realize that the majority of the world is engulfed into this world of delusion and lives. We have humanized absolutely everything because we cannot cope nor accept the cruel reality that is life and its absurdity. The realists and the existentialists have it right…I must give credit where credit is due.
I have also come to realize that drug addiction is not something to judge; we, as humans, rely on contact, emotions, social support, and relations in order to thrive. We have to develop positive relationships with people in order for us to function properly. I am by no means championing drug addiction; but I truly understand and even sympathize with those who suffer from this. Humans have become so intolerable towards one another that at times, we turn to substances that makes us feel good for support and comfort. How sad is that? We have become obsessed with looks, money, and consumption. We are always worried about the newest and shiniest product instead of supporting one another. I am not stating that everyone must get along; I am merely stating that if we were not as isolated, the world would be a more tolerable place. Technology is supposed to connect us instantly to others around us; yet, it has isolated us so much from one another that we have become extremely intolerable. Take gay hook up apps for example; the sewers of the earth are more inhabitable than these. These apps serve the purpose of fulfilling sexual satisfaction in a matter of minutes or hours. It makes it easier to connect; yet, they only perpetuate the stereotypes and superficiality of the human mind. We literally scroll through pictures of people, as if shopping for our next product. We forget that these are people with feelings, emotions, ambitions, pains, sufferings, and life stories…so one would like to think! This fascinates me. Yet, all we focus on are the looks and outside properties. We are so keen on obtaining that instant gratification that we forget to connect as beings. Many people do not want to settle until they reach their 30s; this is why I have given up in trying to make a genuine connection with someone. There is nobody my age, I have found, at least around these parts, that thinks like me. I have only met one person who did…and they turned out to be an asshole (I honestly don’t like to use curse words in my writing, but there are no other words that can properly describe this person). Though, I am jaded myself, I still put in my heart and soul in getting to know someone. I reveal so much of myself to others…my tenderness, that I sometimes forget that they don’t care, for the most part. All they are after is the sexual gratification. This is part of my problem; I cannot find someone that will mentally stimulate me and satisfy my needs at the same time. I do not just settle for anyone. Yes, I do the ocasional cheap hook up, but to me, that gets boring over time. I am looking for someone to stimulate me mentally to the point where I grow as a person. I am much more turned on by intellectual conversations rather than sex. This is why I truly believe that I am not of this world. I feel like I was born in the wrong generation. Am I alone? Am I the only one who feels this way? This is why I have also felt like a loner and outsider for most of my life; I grew up around adults and did not have many friends while I was growing up, and thus, my mind set growing up was perhaps a little different than most of those who grew up around other children.
However, in any case, my point is that we are living in the age of loneliness and isolation. Technology offers many advantages and solutions to connecting with one another, but some of us are forgetting that it is destroying face to face contact. You put so much of yourself into text, that when you meet someone, you feel as if you have known them for quite sometime. The more we disclose of ourselves, the closer we feel to that person. When the face to face connection is not successful or not as exciting as the text conversation, that other person may not want to continue contact. This leaves us feeling lost, confused, and lonely. But this is truly the reason as to why we feel even more lonely; technology makes it easier for us to tell our life stories to others that when we meet them in person there isn’t that much else to disclose. The excitement is gone…and this is something that truly makes a difference in the process of meeting others.
And thus, when we fail to form these positive relationships, and loneliness takes over, we turn to the innate for positivity. This is why there are so many people who use drugs in our modern world. Yes, drugs have been a part of human culture for ages, but more so in 2015. I am amazed at the number of gay men who are using drugs. Rejection from society is a factor, but when your entire existence is based on sex, you deny yourself the chance to meet someone. And that leads to mass loneliness and feelings of desperation. It’s all subconscious obviously, nobody is going to admit that to us. Drugs are like an escape from that entire culture, and even if you don’t take part in it, you still feel alienated because you can’t find someone else who is not taking part in that.
However, I am amazed at the number of people in general that take drugs. This is because we have created a culture of instant gratification and done away with the magic involved in the process that is meeting and getting to know others. And so, we find comfort and escape in the world of drugs. The only positive relationship that some have are with drugs. Drugs affect the way that we think and view the world; some drugs even affect brain structure. When someone uses drugs for an extended period of time, they become uninterested in human interaction; and rightly so. With the way humans are, there is nothing else left to discover. There is no stimulation that a human can offer compared to the power of drugs…but I truly believe that those of us who are awakened have something unique to offer. The true challenge is to find others who are.
I have hope that there are many like me wondering this planet, looking for that someone who is awakened and not truly ruined by the delusional and superficial culture that we have created for ourselves. Consumerism is driving us to the edge of absolute ruin. Although I try my best not to take part in this system, I still find myself going along with the rest. I do believe that it is inevitable to escape it.
I have lost a lot of interest in other people because I truly feel that I am not like the majority .Yes, there are others who seek what I seek. but they are difficult to find. Everyone has their own story, their own struggle, their own hell that they are traversing through; I am not one to judge. However, I will never understand why so many choose to destroy themselves by engaging in the system that we have created. Perhaps this is an escape mechanism…they feel that perhaps they cannot fight the system and thus believe that the only way to minimize pain is to become submerged in it.
I can relate to this in a certain way. Even though I am looking for someone who will mentally stimulate and challenge me, I have come to the conclusion that most gay men are not this way, and that nobody is going to want to settle until they are in their 30’s. Even still, they find themselves in a state of confusion because they cannot find what they seek. There are times that I truly believe that death (not from a suicidal perspective) would be the solution to the problems we are facing today. The world is completely irreparable. It is in such a destitute, desolate, and incongruous state; there is no going back. We will continue to descend into absolute madness and chaos. This is an irreversible process; and the reason that I do not want to bring any children into this hostile jungle. We will never be satisfied and we will never be truly happy. We will always want more, no matter how much we have. This is one of the many fallacies of the human mind; and it will ultimately lead to our destruction. It’s not a question of “Perhaps we will be better off this way,” but “We are better off this way.”
The Universe will not be able to grasp this madness much longer, either. It’s time to go home. I am thinking of simpler times.

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