So basically, this is where I am at in life:

I, do not care anymore. I really don’t. I don’t care for this world, I don’t care for this society, I don’t care for this system, and I don’t care about the future of the world. We have all worked so hard and some of us were failed by the system that we have in place. The world has become too much; there are far too many people and not enough resources, let alone jobs, to sustain us all. So what happens? We become depressed. I have said these last 2 years that I could feel myself changing. I could feel myself changing internally and mentally; my thoughts were evolving. I have to admit that I have become a heartless and non-caring person. I still care, to some extent, but I am so jaded and tired of so many things that I really just come across as someone who is non caring. I have said many things over the past few years; so many words written and spoken. Sadly, I feel that this is the way that my mind is evolving. I have truly tried to change things for the better. Do people honestly think that I enjoy being the type of person that I am…no, let me rephrase that: Do people honestly think that I enjoy having these thoughts of negativity because the world has become such a hostile environment? And who are they kidding? This world was a hostile environment from day 1. People have tried to delude and hide themselves from the reality of things because the reality is that everything is too much to bear. They hide behind false emotions, false images of themselves, and buy things that they can’t afford in order to feel better for a couple days. This is a vicious cycle that is not going to end. Our human existence is so pathetic and TRULY meaningless, that we have created countless fairy tales to help us cope with its misery. I’d say that the Buddhists and Existentialists have the “correct” (I’d prefer to use the word “accurate”, instead) view of life. I don’t TRULY believe that anyone has ever had the “correct” view of life, nor will they. It’s part of this existence that we have created for ourselves. “Life is what you make of it,” they say, but they cannot ignore certain factors such as the fact that violence is on the rise, racism, sexism, and homophobia are alive and well, and the economy is not good enough to support all of us. I will never be a communist, but I truly don’t believe that this is the best system either.

All I am going to do right now is just focus on this job that I have, save enough money, and do a lot of research about where I want to go to next. But I will say this: I am done with snow, and I am done with the cold. I cannot bare another year of this any longer. I am going to go insane. I am proud of myself for actually being pro-active and trying to change my life situation. There are so many people that feel the same way, yet they do nothing but complain, complain, complain. Well, I worked hard to get this new opportunity. I can’t say I have worked hard, but I have managed to make slight advances. I am not where I want to be, but I am so thankful that I am not where I once was.

All I care about is that I tried, at least. I really did try to make it and be somebody in this world, then again, who ever said that you HAD to be somebody? If it wasn’t for these disgraceful student loans, I would be happy to convert to Buddhism and live in the mountains, away from this irreparable cesspool of society that we (yes, WE, because we keep blaming everyone except ourselves, but this is ALL our fault) have created.

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