I don’t know whether to give into sin or not. Not that I could…that much. I know I can always find a way. I’m at some weird, sick point of my life where I consider that all is truly lost and that it doesn’t matter what happens. I want to engage in self destruction because not only do I consider it a form of art, but I consider it as the ultimate act of rebellion against a world and a system that is run and controlled by the rich. It is only rich that get away with everything- most of the time. Everyone expects something from humans, this worthless path of predictability. I understand the life of drug addicts…the sex addicts, those who purposely seek to become infected with disease. I understand the life of those who aspire to be nothing, and are everything. The happiest people are those who are truly free. Everywhere we look, there is something, a notion, that seeks to stop freedom. But that notion was purposely implemented to stop freedom from happening.

If I truly wanted to, I could smoke, have sex, and find a way to obtain drugs. Why don’t I? Is it because, deep inside, I know that my life will get better? Or is it the underlying conscience that was cemented during my upbringing telling not to? Or is it because I am afraid? Some days I feel like I have nothing to lose. I would gain freedom by committing these acts that I define as rebellious. People who live the insane, uncertain life are the ones who have fun. They give into sin to make themselves feel alive..because after all, living in sin is an adrenaline rush. And that’s because we know that when we act against the establishment, we are bringing the forbidden freedom to our lives. So why don’t I?
There is nothing more beautifully tragic than human misery. All these hopes and dreams that we aspire to achieve truly are so far from anything we could ever achieve, that we have romanticized and humanized every single aspect of our lives to bring solace to our pathetic existence. Maybe people won’t agree, but suicide is a work of art so misunderstood and stigmatized. The preliminary sketch in the canvas of self destruction are the acts that lead up to suicide. And by committing suicide, we enter the greatest and darkest unknown, setting ourselves free from the chains of this oppressive and fucked up world. Those of us who find comfort in darkness and self injurious behaviors are the only ones who understand this. How this plays into giving into sin, I have yet to find out. But this I know: every action that humans carry out can be traced back to that selfish, primeval sin. The desire to make ourselves look better in the eyes of others, the need to satisfy our insatiable thirst for pleasure, and to pursue the quest of endless satisfaction…it all stems to the roots of the collective unconscious’s thirst for lust.

I, for one, believe that this has lead humanity to corruptive ruin. There are no longer motives for the actions we commit; life is just one giant competition amongst players that never get to know each other, nor themselves. It was once said that “We buy things with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t know.” Nothing could be more transparent as that. And that’s why those who have detached themselves from this act on impulse. They have nothing to lose and all the freedom to gain, because making your own choices, as destructive as they are, is truly an act of freedom. The human psyche will never change because greed and lust shall not die until the end of times.

And maybe that is the last thing that there is left to do, for us who know the truth, to remove ourselves from this world. But not before fulfilling every single dark fantasy and extracting every last drop of pleasure from the earthly desires that reside in the fruit of sin. After all, death is imminent and unannounced.

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