Hi,

I always feel like my problems are the same, no matter where I am with my life. But my patience has run out. I don’t want to be here anymore. I came here to get an education and I am now done with that. My life is passing me by, and I am a social failure.  I am a social failure because I’m 24, I live at home, I have a useless degree, I have almost no friends to hang out with, I stay in every single night of the week, and I am always by myself. I can’t form meaningful relationships because nobody wants to pursue anything with someone who still lives at home and isn’t financially stable. But that’s beside the point; I know that the majority of gay men are jaded and all they want is sex, especially in this state. There is nobody decent here. Whenever I “meet” a decent guy (or what I perceive as a decent guy), he is always on the other side of the country. All I’ve been used for is sex, sex, and more sex. I have never had a real relationship. The longest time I dated someone in person was for a month and a half. I thought it was real, it seemed real, but I know at the end it was just another juvenile fling. I have never truly felt love. I have never felt that love from another man…never woken up to someone staring at me and telling me that they can look into my eyes and see my soul. Or to have someone hold me in their arms and feel like I am the world to them. I’m after the impossible; the unattainable. I don’t believe it’s possible to find love anymore. I don’t believe in it. It’s something that it’s talked about all the time, but in my world, it doesn’t exist. All I truly want in life is love. I don’t care if I am living under a bridge; love is all I have ever wanted.
I feel trapped. I have nowhere to go, and I don’t ever picture myself living on my own.  I can’t continue to attempt to cope with these feelings anymore. I’ve tried medications, therapies, self help books, exercise, and writing. No matter what I do, the depression always comes back; always. It now has control of me. It has control of me because I can’t continue to deny this reality. I’ve denied everything for the past 6 months, and it’s only gotten me so far. I am now at the point where I can’t do it anymore. I want a real life; this isn’t my life, it’s a fake life that I am not even living. I feel like a zombie. The sun is shinning brightly now, and the trees are lush green, but all I see is black and gray. I have no idea what to do anymore. Everyone is moving on with their life, and I’m still stuck here. Still stuck in the same situation that I have been stuck in since I graduated college. I’m tired of fighting; I’ve been thinking about dying a lot recently. Eventually, I think I am going to become a huge burden for everyone to the point where nobody will want to speak to me, and I will run out of friends. I don’t want to make it seem like I am fantasizing about things that will never happen, but I’m scared of my mind; I’m scared of myself. I’m out of control, and I can’t control my thoughts and emotions anymore. I’m ready to explode. I can’t handle life in this state anymore. I feel like I’ve been dead for years and now I’m beginning to finally notice it. My head is a terrible place to be…and I feel more alone than I have ever felt in all of my life, and I have been a loner ever since I can remember. I’m not sure how long I can go on before something in my head pops and I do something that can’t be undone. I’m trapped in this place, and inside of myself, and the worst part of it is that I feel that nothing and nobody can help me, because at the end of the day, everyone has their own problems and are in their own race to find happiness. I just feel like a huge burden to the world, and I’m so scared to push people away. I feel like nothing can save me at this point…I keep trying to see a light at the end of the tunnel, or a hand above me, trying to reach out to me, but the help won’t come, and it will not. It’s becoming harder and harder to be numb to it all. This is why I have isolated myself from a lot of people, I don’t want to hear about great their lives are, or how they are finding real jobs, getting engaged, marrying, buying houses, traveling the world, and moving away. I don’t want to hear any of that, because while I don’t believe that others shouldn’t be happy if I am not, I do believe that I deserve just as much happiness as everyone else in this world. I don’t know what being happy is like. I’ve been depressed since 2008 that any memory of happiness prior to that point in my life has been completely deleted from my memory; that’s how strong and prevalent these feelings are. This is all I have ever known for the past eight years of my life, and I truly think that I would be better off not existing than to continue with this torture. I’m too insightful for my own good. I want what I can’t have. I know my strength is running out.

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